No love in his heart

[calithin83]

Ok this might be long....but Im just going to write everything and anything about what im going through.

 

I've been with my bf since I was 17-I'm now 20, soon 21. We have been through thick and thin, we had a wonderful relationship in the beginning, it was just to wonderful to be true. I loved him alot and he loved me alot, our conversations were long and fun and we always told eachother how much we missed eachother and loved eachother..but after a year things changed and it hasnt been the same since. Last year was the worse year between us, we were going through lots of downs and lots of fighting, he wasnt giiving me enough, for example I felt like I was giving and giving and not recieving much oin return, its like as though he had lost interest in me and he didnt care as much. THis would piss me off alot and therefore id yell, cry and get so annoyed. Then he ended up breaking up with me which really hurt....but what hurt the most was the fact that when i tried to reach him he would just SHUT ME OUT like i wasnt special or anything. He blocked me from AIM, ignored my calls, and text messages and when I tried to see him once he didnt give me the chance to say anything....I was Broken!!! but after a week I decided to quit and stop calling him or anythingand just ignore him.

 

Well I ignored him for like 4 weeks, and I was still feeling down but I was a lil better then the first 2 weeks....I think I was almost getting back at my feet even though I still had the hope to get back with him because I couldnt understand how things can end when we really did care about eachtoher at one point.

 

FInally after a month 1/2 he contacted me and well we began talking again, i was a lil different though..like somewhat cold not the sweet girl i used to be...i was just playing it cool though cos i was afraid to open up again and for him to see that i still loved him alot even though all the **** he did.....so i was cool and would only hold his haND if he held mines, and would only talk if he called me. ... finally after 2-3months things were cool again and we had goten back together so I went back to my old patterns and became the sweet and caring girl...a lil too much!!...i did his bed, gave him massages, did him favors, call him too much (which i know is bad) and basically just too accessible!! (my Bad)! anyways....now its March we got back on like at the end of Sept. so its been a few months we have been back...

 

But now im facing problems again..i really am not happy in this relationship and I just want to let go because I see how much it affects me in everything I do. He no longer sais "I love you" he actually told me that he didnt know if he loved me.....and that just really SUCKS!!! Because here I am being the best I can be and loving him unconditionally and I get this..a boy who doesnt know if he loves me...also its me who chases him...for example, I feel like I have to initiate converstations, dates, etc....also when we fight, he just walks away and for us to patch it back up it usally is me....I dont want to point fingers at him..because one thing ive learned is that its no longer his fault!...instead its my Fault...I gave too many chances and he sees that no matter what wrong thing he does, say or whatever that Im still here....I even asked him that if he thinks im always going to love him and he said YES!...so hes so sure that my love for him is forever and thats uncool because its like he has a 100% hold of me!....I really really dont know what to do...Well i know I have to move on but for some reason I just cant seem to do it...

 

Plus i see him in school this semester (my fault) and we share a class....so everytime I see him all my feeling for him re-surface! Hoepfully on fall2004 I will transfer and I will be going to a far away school -2hrs away- and maybe then I can forget him....

I really love him, hes my first love, and I honestly dont see myself with somoene else feeling so comftorable and just so in love.....

 

IM scared, and im ashamed at myself for doing this...i cant talk to anyone about this because It hink no one can really understand or they will just tell me to "move on"...well its easier said then done...I wish I can just make myself...and not go back....but I always tend to go back, and everytime I do go back I just feel worse and worse about myself.....I just want to be strong and firm and maybe that way I one day will find someone who loves me unconditionally and respects me!......sometimes I think that the reason my bf stopped loving me is because IM not a challenge, Im a dumb lil cry baby, and Im too dependable...i gotta stop this..I want to change my personality.....I wish there is some place I can go that can just dramatically change me to a whole different person...Im tired of living this lie, im tired of being with soemone just because i love them, im tired of putting him first before my needs.....

 

I just want to let go, i want to get to that moment when I realize I no longer thnk of him, nor miss him, nor worry about him being with another chick, I want to get to that moment where he reaizes that he really has lost me and that no matter what he says or does he cant have me back...and i wish for a moment he would love me and appreicate me and just see how im feeling..but he doesnt...im not his girl who he would move the stars and the moon for..im just not the girl that drives him crazy

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi Calithin,

 

As I was reading your post, my heart aches for you. What you are going through is definitely hard, but at least you realize that you want to change (and a positive change to say the least).

 

First thing first. Since you realize that you're being treated poorly and he is stomping on your self esteem, you need to adopt a way to love and respect yourself. I would start off by setting goals in your life and focusing on achieving them. That gives you some freedom not to dwell on him so much.

 

Once you start to attain your goals, you will start to feel accomplished and your self esteem will start rising. Then you will realize that all your time isn't consumed by him and you start respecting yourself and feel self love, because you can succeed in your own life without him.

 

You have an enourmous kind and gentle heart from what I read. Some people will take advantage of love and generosity towards them. But in the end, they're the ones who lose out. Don't ever allow someone to take that away from you, it's part of your character. Some man one day will appreciate all you have to offer and return the same.

 

You are on the right path. You've already recognized that he is abusing your relationship. He doesn't respect you and that's a good enough reason not to participate in a love-less "bond". I won't even call this a relationship because it takes two people to create one. And he definitely hasn't provided his effort.

[UCFKevin]

You shouldn't want to change yourself, dammit, you have done nothing wrong. It's him who needs to change.

[faux]

This is your first love. Oddly enough, so much as first love is intoxicating and wonderful to remember years ahead, it is perhaps one of the most painful moments in each of our lives. So much to learn and so much to wonder about; So many questions unanswered, perhaps for the rest of our time.

 

It is true that most would tell you to move on. This, however, is something you will learn on your own despite any number of people telling you. It seems as though you are taking too much pain from this, but I understand as I was in a situation where I feel I can relate. Long ago and years past, it was quite difficult.

 

Dealing with relationships never got much easier, but I am alive, and well, and without my first love. Where is she now? I've no idea and it doesn't matter. I still remember saying how I could not survive without her by my side, yet I am here now.

 

You will meet many people so long as your heart beats and you will love them in different ways. You will most probably never love anyone the same, but this person who is causing you such stress and confusion at the moment will eventually fade into your past for the most part.

 

I have nothing to say to your dilemma but that time is on your side, and in time you will choose a path and go where it takes you. I have the fullest confidence that you will make a decision of some sort. That decision will lead you to a new area of life.

 

There are many paths in life, perhaps an infinite combination, and I do not believe that choosing right from left equates to right or wrong. The day will come when you will take your first steps in a new direction. You will begin the journey on your own — not by what others say to you. Decisions such as this will always be your own.

 

Please do not worry about your current situation as it is only going to cause you more turmoil. Simply continue living, and do what you feel you will do. You sound as though you are highly driven by your emotions and no amount of protest from others will change your mind when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

This can be a great strength and a crippling weakness. I really do believe that you must simply figure this part of your life out for yourself.

 

As for my actual opinion I believe you should begin to walk away from this man. You'll do what you will, however, and I don't mind it.

[calithin83]

Wow thank you guys so much for taking the time on readin what I wrote, and for the wonderful advice!!!

 

I will try to slowly back away from this guy I love so much.. I will try to just keep busy with school, gym, and stuff like that..and try not to hang out with him too much...its going to be tough because I love being with him but lately being with him I still feel stressed out..like today Im like two people, im happy yet mad..its weird..i guess im mad cos i see that he cant say he loves me..and i feel mad that im there with him and like it isnt worth it, yet im happy to have him close to me, holding me and just being there..its odd..but i have to heal myself...

 

I will try to keep busy and maybe see him less and less....its going to be weird and hard to say "no i cant go out today"..but i will atleast try !

 

thank you so much though for ure advice!