Age differences

[Silly_Girl]

I briefly dated a guy aged 30 when I was 16. Granted he was a young 30, spent a lot of years studying and still lived with mum and dad...

 

Other than him my max age difference (both older and younger than me) is 7 yrs.

 

I have had attention from several older men (including a couple of bosses) and it's just not my bag. From afar I've had the odd crush on a much older guy but would never have acted on it.

 

There must be pros and cons to dating someone who's older by maybe a whole generation or more. I just wondered what they might be? Seems there's more than a few OW here with experience.

 

And I'm REALLY not judging btw, it's totally alien to me so I have no preconceived notions. Thanks for any input.

[GreenEyedLady]

My H is 14 years older than me, in age.

 

However, he acts like he's 18 so that makes me older than him...:-)

 

Seriously, age isn't a factor. When you're with someone you love and have fun with, it's all good.

 

GEL

[Eeyore79]

I briefly dated a guy aged 30 when I was 16.

 

An adult man aged 30 dating a 16yo child is just sick, and is even sicker if he is having sex with her. He must have had some major malfunction

[sc58]

My MM is 18 years older than me. He doesn't look it, nor act like it. When we're together, I don't notice the age difference at all. But I often worry about what my parents or friends would think if they knew...

 

I haven't told anyone about him because of his marital status, but if he was single, I think I would be hesitant to tell anyways because I would be concerned about people's reactions to his age. I'm still relatively young (in my early twenties), and I know a lot of people would have negative things to say. Sometimes I don't know why I'm doing this when I know it would be difficult even if he was single because of his age, but on top of that, he's MARRIED. With kids.

 

I have never thought about dating someone this much older before and my ex of 5 years was the same age as me. But now that I've been with my MM, I can't really imagine dating someone my age anymore. Although I dont think I would date someone THIS much older again.

[Kismetly]

My exH is 16 years older than me and it didn't matter when I was 24 and he was 40. It didn't even really matter when I was 30 and he was 46 ... but then I grew up.

 

I was totally enamoured of my xH. I was blind to our ages, the fact that I became a full-time stepmother at 24 to 2 boys who were closer to my age than he was ... none of it mattered. But by the time I hit about 33 my career was taking off, I was ambitious and motivated and he was winding down. He was thinking about getting ready for retirement.

 

I knew the end had come when for the second year in a row I wanted to take our annual vacation to an adventure spot and he wanted to go fishing and golfing in New Zealand - and I could see it wasn't going to get any better. Our interests were just different and the age difference magnified those interests. When he was younger he was happy to go trekking and visit remote places with hard travel, but as he got older, he just wanted to do old men things. He started playing bowls .... and couldnt' understand why I didn't want to join him.

 

Age differences are tricky. I wouldn't trade that marriage for anything - but it was certainly our ages that contributed to the gap in our interests, outlook and goals. Without similar goals and aspirations, it's hard to maintain a committed relationship.

 

About a year after our marriage ended, I dated a man who was 7 years younger than me. It was like going from an loyal old labradour to a cheeky young puppy. Likewise though - we were just at different stages of life.

 

Now I'm seeing a man who's my age - but it's complicated ...... dodgy and complicated.

 

Yeah - age differences are very tricky.... but then lots of things in relationships are tricky.

[Circular]

xMW was about a decade younger than I. Honestly, unless she mentioned something that was specific to a certain time frame, like a kids TV show I wouldn't have, nor would others, thought we were very much different in age at all. It's even strange when I'm here typing about it because it was a thought that so rarely ever crossed my mind or hers its almost if I kind of believe we're the exact same age. Sure, we occasionally would joke about it but it was meaningless. I think when you really are in love with someone age becomes quite meaningless, I never thought about it before, during or since really - I don't think she did either.

 

There is one thing though... there's a big difference in 10 years between 16 and 26, 26 and 36, and 36 and 46.... as you get farther up the age curve the age difference holds less meaning... there are plenty of 50 year olds that look and act like they're 65 and likewise plenty of 50 year olds that act 'and sorta look' like they are in their 30's...

[bubbleskeeps023]

wel, mine has a 30yrs AGE GAP... age doesn't really matter... as long as you both understand each other and you're happy being together... maturity never comes with age... i also prefer guys older than me.. i see boys with my age so childish... it seems boys do mature slowly.. lol...

[maravilla]

This thread caught my eye because MM is nearly 20 years older than I am. I agree with circular's post- I usually don't notice the age difference and don't thin age matters when it comes to love. I do think men mature generally more slowly than women and it seems there's always a little boy part in a man that he wants to have recognized and accepted. I prefer dating older men, although usually they're less than 10 years older and MM is the biggest age gap I've had. Still, in his 50's, he looks and acts younger than many of the 30-somethings I've dated. If anything he is immature! LOL

[Silly_Girl]

An adult man aged 30 dating a 16yo child is just sick, and is even sicker if he is having sex with her. He must have had some major malfunction

 

No sex!!!! And most of my workfriends (I was very much living as an adult, working full-time etc) were his age. It was a couple of dates only when we first starting working together, v casual. What I'm getting is that was the most extreme in age difference I've ever stretched to, and even now (I bumped in to him on Monday, oddly) he seems no older than me and didn't back then, so it definitely wasn't about being attracted to someone older, for me.

[Silly_Girl]

Yeah - age differences are very tricky.... but then lots of things in relationships are tricky.

 

Very good point!

[Silly_Girl]

Really appreciate the responses, it's interesting. I know I find there's a couple of women at work a good 15 years older than me who I feel I gel with far more than I do the thirty-somethings who are my generation; I suppose there's no difference if you have rapport, chemistry etc with someone you probably don't consider their DOB, yet oddly I still can't imagine ever being with someone much older/younger than myself.

[MorningCoffee]

Really appreciate the responses, it's interesting. I know I find there's a couple of women at work a good 15 years older than me who I feel I gel with far more than I do the thirty-somethings who are my generation; I suppose there's no difference if you have rapport, chemistry etc with someone you probably don't consider their DOB, yet oddly I still can't imagine ever being with someone much older/younger than myself.

 

My ex-AP/MW said she felt the same as bolded until she found that she had fallen in love with me (26 year age gap). And of course from my point of view, I would not have thought it even possible, either, had she not done so.

 

But then, it was an EMA, and secret, so we did not face negotiating real life, families' reactions, etc. If we had ever had to actually function as a couple, the challenges would have been many.

 

As to love, though, I do not think age gaps matter much. Just that the age difference tends to mean individuals are apart in ways that relate more to their phase in life, and thus less likeihood of relationships developing than among peer age groups.

[skylarblue]

I’ve only dated guys 20yrs+ older since h.s. MM is 27yrs older than me. I am not physically attracted to guys my age and it seems that the older I get the wider I prefer the age gap to be. At 18yo I liked guys in their early 40s. At 29yo I like guys in their late 50s. And he totally has to look his age. The age gap never has been an issue in any of my Rs. And I don’t think my Rs would have been as successful if I was with someone my age and I would have to struggle to find things in common. I don’t find that in an older guy. For me, I think the age difference actually helps and makes us more compatible. The only con I have with dating a guy that old is children (something I never really thought about until pointed out). I really want to get married and have kids some day. A 58yr guy isn’t typically looking to start having kids (again). Also, there are higher risks involved in having a child at that age. It could be a major problem for me.

[Woman In Blue]

Ugh. Any 30 year old "man" that needs to date a 16 year old CHILD is obviously not socially or emotionally sound. I think our first clue is that he was still living with his mommy and daddy - at age 30. And I think most older guys looking for much younger women are just pervs, plain and simple. And for the most part, the only people I see saying "age is just a number" are those who chase women much younger themselves or women dating men much older than themselves.

 

I'm on a dating site and constantly get hit on by 20-somethings. I just turned 50. I find that completely nauseating. We all know what these little pervs want, and it AINT stimulating conversation and a bond with a woman because we both have something in 'common.' The ONLY thing I have in common with a 20-something is that I a son the same age.

[Silly_Girl]

Ugh. Any 30 year old "man" that needs to date a 16 year old CHILD is obviously not socially or emotionally sound. I think our first clue is that he was still living with his mommy and daddy - at age 30. And I think most older guys looking for much younger women are just pervs, plain and simple.

 

Ha ha!!! For a start he thought I was 21 or so, and I thought he was about 25. And I have known men like you describe, and he really isn't or wasn't like that at all. None of us (my workfriends and I) ever thought of him like that, and we all worked/hung out together for several years; he's settled with a woman about 5 years younger, and kids. He just didn't grow up fast because he didn't need to.

[OWoman]

An adult man aged 30 dating a 16yo child is just sick, and is even sicker if he is having sex with her. He must have had some major malfunction

 

Nowadays people seem very freaked out about this, but when I was growing up it was the norm - or at least, pretty common. Some girls in high school did date other guys in high school but they were definitely the minority - most of us wouldn't have looked at anything adolescent - that juvenile sense of "humour", that constant need to be the centre of attention, those awkward misfitting bodies.... (shudder!!) As a 15 year old, the youngest guys I'd consider for an R were postgraduate students (around 24/25) but I'd prefer guys who'd already started working as their lives seemed fuller and more interesting. And, for guys just starting out on their careers, I guess high school girls were about all they could hope to impress so it was pretty common. Looking back, a classmate of 15 dating a 35 year old was something none of us blinked at - but today he'd probably be locked up and she'd probably be deemed "at risk".

 

And yes, of course we had sex with them. We were teenagers, ffs - no one was going to tell our hormones what we could and couldn't do! (Interestingly enough, the only girls I recall falling pregnant at high school were those who dated high school guys. Obviously between them they didn't have the common sense / life experience to know how to be careful. Those of us with older BFs never had those kind of problems... )

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hmmm... I see wide age gaps like this... especially in women dating MM and think Daddy Issues?

 

My most recent xGF was cheating on me with a guy 16 years older. She always described him as youthful looking... but everyone else thinks he looks like worn leather. When I first met the guy I thought he was 10yrs older than he actually is. I would assume this delusional view is shared by many of the posters in this thread as well.

[OWoman]

There must be pros and cons to dating someone who's older by maybe a whole generation or more. I just wondered what they might be? Seems there's more than a few OW here with experience.

 

I have quite a narrow age range for potential lovers / partners. I want a minimum of ten years older, and I'd probably draw the maximum at about 20 years older these days, though I have had bigger age gaps when I was younger. (I suppose the difference is that now an age gap of more than 20 years would push them into the retirement zone - or at least, newly retired, facing some kind of major life-shift, and I'm not up for being someone's social worker to help them adjust to their new life circumstances! Perhaps if they were already safely over the threshold and well settled into retirement I might be interested...)

 

For me, it's always been about finding common ground, someone I can respect in some way who will bring things to the R that I can learn from. If I'm not going to get anything out of the R, why bother? So it's been important for me to find people who've been where I have yet to go, who're further ahead in their careers than I am, who have faced the challenges that still await me and have lived to tell the tale. (TBH, it's really weird for me having stepkids younger than my own, being the one to tell my H that what they're going through is normal for that age )

[UntoldStory]

This may be a huge generalization but I'll throw it out there - seems like the older AP is likely to be the married one? And I agree, there do seem to be huge age gaps in these A relationships. I can see that if the primary reason for the A is that the MM/MW isn't getting enough sex from her "aging" spouse. But I don't understand it in the case of EAs...

 

Anyway, my AP is?/was? (we're in such a no man's land right now, not sure) 11 yrs younger than me. Even that age diff freaks me out a bit but it doesn't seem to phase him. I tell myself I'm not old enough to biologically be his mother so that makes it OK!

[OWoman]

This may be a huge generalization but I'll throw it out there - seems like the older AP is likely to be the married one? And I agree, there do seem to be huge age gaps in these A relationships. I can see that if the primary reason for the A is that the MM/MW isn't getting enough sex from her "aging" spouse. But I don't understand it in the case of EAs...

 

Not all of the older guys I had Rs with were M... Some were D (and when I was much younger, some were S). I have a friend who exclusively dates younger guys - mostly MMs - because she feels that after the trauma of her three Ds (yes... ) she'd rather have a lover who was still youthfully optimistic instead of someone as cynical and embittered about the whole scene as she claims to be. I guess people look for others who complement them - if you feel old and tired, you're likely to want a younger partner to invigorate you; while if you feel fresh and new, someone with a bit of life experience to contribute is welcome.

 

And I don't think age has anything to do with quantity of sexual activity - though the Coolidge Factor may well have!

[aeh]

I have always been attracted to older guys. Only dated a couple that were my age and they really couldn't hold my interest. I would say that I have always liked guys in their mid-40s and usually with gray hair. I like fit, athletic guys. An interesting thing though is that I tend to have a lot of girlfriends who are older than me, too...maybe because we have always lived in "more established" areas where the demographics tend to be older than me. I wonder though if as I approach my mid-40s if the "age that I am attracted to" will rise also. I assume it will. It's funny. I was just at the gym last night and talking to a very handsome guy, probably mid-40's. I was telling my H about our conversation (about kids) and he asked if I found the guy attractive. I laughed and said, "He doesn't have gray hair so he doesn't make the cut!" Haha. We always laugh because there is a guy who is a father at our children's school (who actually is an older former actor) and he without a doubt colors his hair. It is so obvious and everyone snickers behind his back. However, if he would just go gray he would look sooo much better.

 

 

 

I’ve only dated guys 20yrs+ older since h.s. MM is 27yrs older than me. I am not physically attracted to guys my age and it seems that the older I get the wider I prefer the age gap to be. At 18yo I liked guys in their early 40s. At 29yo I like guys in their late 50s. And he totally has to look his age. The age gap never has been an issue in any of my Rs. And I don’t think my Rs would have been as successful if I was with someone my age and I would have to struggle to find things in common. I don’t find that in an older guy. For me, I think the age difference actually helps and makes us more compatible. The only con I have with dating a guy that old is children (something I never really thought about until pointed out). I really want to get married and have kids some day. A 58yr guy isn’t typically looking to start having kids (again). Also, there are higher risks involved in having a child at that age. It could be a major problem for me.

 

Skylar, do you have any gf's who are older as well? Or are they all your age? I ask because I wonder, for me, if it is just circumstantial that my gf's tend to be older bc of where I live or is it because that is just who I relate to in general, whether it is man or woman.

[greengoddess]

This makes me so sad for you that you were dating a 30 year old at age 16. Where were your parents when this was going on?

[OWoman]

This makes me so sad for you that you were dating a 30 year old at age 16. Where were your parents when this was going on?

 

 

What do parents have to do with who you date? Unless you live in a society that still arranges marriages, perhaps...

[greengoddess]

What do parents have to do with who you date? Unless you live in a society that still arranges marriages, perhaps...

 

a lot when you are 16 years old, a minor, dating an adult.

[OWoman]

a lot when you are 16 years old, a minor, dating an adult.

 

I can't speak for your country, but in my country 16 is the age of consent, and the law even recognises the right of children younger to seek contraception or abortion without their parents' permission or knowledge.

 

My parents certainly never had a clue who I was involved with, as did none of the parents of any of my friends about their Rs. The same as our parents' sex lives were none of our business, ours were none of theirs. The only BFs my parents ever met were already my Hs when they were introduced.