Age differences

[jthorne]

Wow, I've learned a lot about people from this thread.

 

The fact that an OW has a MM old enough to be her father gives me pause.

[greengoddess]

I can't speak for your country, but in my country 16 is the age of consent, and the law even recognises the right of children younger to seek contraception or abortion without their parents' permission or knowledge.

 

My parents certainly never had a clue who I was involved with, as did none of the parents of any of my friends about their Rs. The same as our parents' sex lives were none of our business, ours were none of theirs. The only BFs my parents ever met were already my Hs when they were introduced.

That's sad. it sounds like you had free run and very little parental involvement. I know my childrens friends. I discuss with my daughter and with her friends their relationship bumps and bruises etc. I knw who her and all her friends are dating. I'm awake when they come in at midnight etc etc etc. Teens need an adult involved in their life and not the kind that wants to get into their pants.

[jthorne]

That's sad. it sounds like you had free run and very little parental involvement. I know my childrens friends. I discuss with my daughter and with her friends their relationship bumps and bruises etc. I knw who her and all her friends are dating. I'm awake when they come in at midnight etc etc etc. Teens need an adult involved in their life and not the kind that wants to get into their pants.

I was trying to edit, but you said what I wanted to say but better.

 

My parents knew who I was dating and who my friends were when I was living in their house. That's just the way it was, and it kept me out of a lot of trouble (while I was in their house, anyway).

 

(Oh yeah... to answer the OP, xMM was 15 years older. My H is 5 years younger, but acts 5 years older than me.)

[OWoman]

That's sad. it sounds like you had free run and very little parental involvement.

 

OTC - I had very controlling parents (well, one...) who were very strict and did not allow any kind of unsupervised socialisation. As a result I learned to work around that and claim freedoms where they were denied. But the end result was the same - very little parental involvement because I made damn sure they had no clue what I was up to, ever.

 

I know my childrens friends. I discuss with my daughter and with her friends their relationship bumps and bruises etc. I knw who her and all her friends are dating. I'm awake when they come in at midnight etc etc etc. Teens need an adult involved in their life and not the kind that wants to get into their pants.

 

I'm a very different kind of parent to my parents, and my relationship with my kids is very different to my own childhood relationship with my parents. My children choose to include me in their lives in ways I would never have wanted to include my parents, but then so much else is different too. I have a very open R with my kids and would certainly discuss with them any concerns I had regarding their friends or lovers, but I would never (have) prevent(ed) them from having a R with someone older once I was assured that they were participating with informed consent in an empowered and engaged way. They're both adults now, so the point is moot, but I've always respected their right to make informed choices over their own lives as far as their capacity at the time allowed.

[Silly_Girl]

This makes me so sad for you that you were dating a 30 year old at age 16. Where were your parents when this was going on?

 

This really made me laugh!!! Because there was nothing sinister and of course they didn't know about every date I had, I'd left full-time education, was paying for my board, working one full-time job and one part-time and had a life away from my parents. I moved out of home at 18 so who I was dating at nearly 17 didn't figure over the Sunday roast. I wasn't sleeping around, which was my mum's main concern. After that guy I was with someone for several months who was 3 months younger than me. The 30 yr old and I had a couple of dates but I thought he was a bit silly, a bit too teenage for me, goofy sense of humour, we never made it to date 3, and it was only when he and my friend (9 yrs older than me) started going out that I realised how old he was.

[Silly_Girl]

Goodness, we'd definitely not have been chums at school, GG and JT!! I was NOWHERE NEAR as wayward as a lot of girls my age, and my friends were from a single-sex grammar. They were the ones whose parents were bank managers and lawyers and doctors. Those parents thought they knew what their kids were up to. I definitely had a mild rebellion phase, which I thoroughly enjoyed!! It surprises me to hear when some women say they never had that. Most women I know, in all walks of life, had a phase of sneaking off and being where they shouldn't.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm on a dating site and constantly get hit on by 20-somethings. I just turned 50. I find that completely nauseating. We all know what these little pervs want, and it AINT stimulating conversation and a bond with a woman because we both have something in 'common.' The ONLY thing I have in common with a 20-something is that I a son the same age.

 

When I was 18 I saw a newly-divorce woman who was 33. Luckily, we were on the same page, perv-wise.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't know why I am so surprised about the responses on this thread, but I am.

 

Why the picking apart of certain posts?

 

The question was about age gaps, not parents knowing where their teenagers are every second of the day.

 

It really just shows the underlying approach of the non-op's. They will pick at whatever they can.

 

Age is just a number. And if a wide age gap R didn't work out for you, well, there's plenty of same age or a couple year R's that don't work out either.

 

I certainly don't think 14 years is a big deal and we are married. His youngest is one year younger than my youngest child. We (me and H) enjoy spending time together and working out at the gym.

 

Incompatibility has less to do with age than it does with how one views life and whether or not they hold similar values.

 

GEL

[lilbunny]

I've had a few age gap relationships, some worked well, some didn't work at all. I don't think that should come as much of a surprise to anyone. Regardless of age some Rs work out others don't.

 

MM is 18 years older than me. It was far more of an issue to him than it ever was to me.

 

I don't have 'daddy issues' or any other such nonsense. I have a perfectly normal and healthy R with my parents. I just happened to have an awful lot in common with someone who happened to be older than me. It isn't really a big deal.

[ladydesigner]

My XAP was 14 years younger than I am. I think maybe he had Mommy issues:laugh:

[Confused4Now]

My XAP was 14 years younger than I am. I think maybe he had Mommy issues:laugh:

OMG that's funny.....funny as I have been with woman who were 12 years older than me. Right now lately I've been hanging out with a female that's 25 years younger than me. We seem to enjoy each others company so far. Right now just friends.....but who knows right?

[jthorne]

Goodness, we'd definitely not have been chums at school, GG and JT!! I was NOWHERE NEAR as wayward as a lot of girls my age, and my friends were from a single-sex grammar. They were the ones whose parents were bank managers and lawyers and doctors. Those parents thought they knew what their kids were up to. I definitely had a mild rebellion phase, which I thoroughly enjoyed!! It surprises me to hear when some women say they never had that. Most women I know, in all walks of life, had a phase of sneaking off and being where they shouldn't.

I wasn't referring to you specifically in my post. The OW who has a MM old enough to be her father (30 year age difference), yes, that worries me a great deal considering the other things that have been posted previously.

 

In general reference to the parental issues, the teenage years are the years when kids solidify and test/rebel against their values. If there are no parents there to pass down those values, they get them from the kids they hang with. Depending upon the circumstance, that could be a bad thing. JMO. The term, absentee parenting has become very popular nowadays.

[TinaniT]

We have an age gap. We are very happy.

 

As long as he's younger than my parents. (And their actual age, not what age he could have possibly had kids)

 

Most my friends are 35-50. I don't think it's too big a surprise I met a man from that same demographic.

 

In spirit, he is certainly no older than me. Just tryin' to keep up with him most the time!

[UntoldStory]

It's surprising that no one has mentioned yet the fact that with an R with an age gap, there is potentially a problem with a huge difference in sheer number of years of life experience.

 

I personally think this is partially what's going on with my xMM. When I had only been married 5 years, I doubt I would have been so ready to throw in the towel on my M. I wasn't ready until we had been married 11 years. Meeting xMM was the catalyst, but I was ready.

 

I think he's just not ready, partially because he hasn't experienced yet enough frustrating cycles of trying to improve a marriage that can't get any better than it is: hard conversations, minor improvements for a month or two, and then back to unsatisfactory again.

[OWoman]

The term, absentee parenting has become very popular nowadays.

 

I can see that absentee parenting can be a problem, but "presentee" parenting of a toxic variety can be even more problematic IMO.

 

Back on topic...

 

It's surprising that no one has mentioned yet the fact that with an R with an age gap, there is potentially a problem with a huge difference in sheer number of years of life experience.

 

This is a valid point if the life experiences of both follow similar patterns. However, some people spend longer "playing the field" (or holed up alone with their Playstation ) and get married late in life... or have kids in their sunset years, or whatever, so it's equally possible to pack a greater variety / more intense life experiences into a shorter (younger) life for someone who's lived life on ffwd than for someone else who's had their life on "pause" for decades (like, staying in a humdrum so-so M with low grade depression).

[noelle303]

And I think most older guys looking for much younger women are just pervs, plain and simple. And for the most part, the only people I see saying "age is just a number" are those who chase women much younger themselves or women dating men much older than themselves.

 

Actually, men are biologically deemed to be attracted to women of childbearing age. Nothing ''pervy'' or ''sick'' about this.

Much older guys to teenage girls is a bit uneasy thought.

 

 

exMM is 10 years older but looks younger. When I was in my teens I wouldn't go past 20-somethings, mostly because those older than that would have nothing in common with me and with what I wanted at the time.

 

 

Also... it has nothing to do with ''bad'' or ''absentee'' parents. Teenagers are just very good at hiding things when they need to, I was one of them for example.

And as OWoman said, too much parental involvement can be even more detrimental.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

The MM I have been involved with is 22 years older than me. The big age gap made no difference to my feelings towards him.

 

I felt a connection with him unlike I ever have with anyone before.

 

In my case, I probably do have Daddy issues though - so MM was like a father figure and best friend all in one for me.

 

And perhaps the MM took advantage of my naivety - I act really young for my age and am not streetwise, having led a very sheltered life for all of my childhood/teenage years.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think the age gap is a problem unless the partners make it one. If the older partner tries to "parent" the younger, that would be a problem. If the younger partner is only looking to the older partner to finance their lifestyle, that would be a problem.

 

The risk that one takes is that a huge age gap could be a signal of MLC, not true love, but conquest and having one's ego stroked at pulling a younger partner.

 

My grandfather was 25 years older than my grandma for their affair. I think he used her and she was too naive (for reasons I'm not disclosing at this moment to not turn the conversation too much) to know any better.

 

I don't think huge age gaps is a surprise when it comes to affairs. They usually produce a May-December match.

[Dexter Morgan]

I briefly dated a guy aged 30 when I was 16. Granted he was a young 30, spent a lot of years studying and still lived with mum and dad....

 

30 years old, living with his parents, and dating someone who is 16.

 

got one word.......statutory

[Silly_Girl]

30 years old, living with his parents, and dating someone who is 16.

 

got one word.......statutory

 

As in sex? Rape? 16 is the age of consent here. Plus there needs to be more than a drink after work or going to a party together for the CPS to want to run with that one

 

You have no clue Dexter, but thanks so much for your valuable input!

[loverofloveandstuff]

As in sex? Rape? 16 is the age of consent here. Plus there needs to be more than a drink after work or going to a party together for the CPS to want to run with that one

 

You have no clue Dexter, but thanks so much for your valuable input!

 

Yeah, what is with this. When I was 16 and 17 I was dating guys who were 30. People would often refer to me as 'jailbait.' The age of consent is 16, please. Get with the program.

[Dexter Morgan]

As in sex? Rape? 16 is the age of consent here. Plus there needs to be more than a drink after work or going to a party together for the CPS to want to run with that one

 

You have no clue Dexter, but thanks so much for your valuable input!

 

if 16 is the age of consent where you are, then I'd say the lawmakers there have no problem with old men putting it to their 16 year old daughters:o

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah, what is with this. When I was 16 and 17 I was dating guys who were 30. People would often refer to me as 'jailbait.' The age of consent is 16, please. Get with the program.

 

well hells bells, why don't we just make the age 14 when a man can seduce a youngster....why don't we make it 12 while we are at it.

 

cuz at 16, you are far from an adult.

[OWoman]

if 16 is the age of consent where you are, then I'd say the lawmakers there have no problem with old men putting it to their 16 year old daughters:o

 

It's pretty universal for 16 to be the age of consent.

 

cuz at 16, you are far from an adult.

 

Speak for yourself - at 16, I was certainly capable of knowing whether I wanted sex or not, and who with; and certainly capable of saying yes or no. Perhaps in some parts of the world (or, some parts of the US? I don't know where else the age of consent isn't 16...) kids are brought up to mature later, but certainly IME 16 year olds all over the world are mature enough to say yes or no to sex - and in many cases have been sexually active well before then.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Speak for yourself - at 16, I was certainly capable of knowing whether I wanted sex or not, and who with; and certainly capable of saying yes or no. .

 

I didn't say you were capable of making stupid decisions at 16. I said at 16 you are far from an adult.