ssmith27 Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Help - I am so confused. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 15months. When we first met we had both come out of long term relationships and not looking for anything serious - but that is what ended up happening. i moved into his place after dating for one year. He is an amazing man - kind and generous and I know he truly adores and loves me. The problem is with his past relationship. He told me he only dated her a year or so and they lived together - things went sour and they broke up. She was from a different country and he said that what happened in the end was that she was pressuring him to get married so she could stay in the country - but he didnt want to and that is how it ended. So I met him about 6 months after the last time they saw each other. So they supposedly went out from 2007-2009 He told me some major lies in the beginning - where he lived and who he lived with. Turns out he moved back home to love in his dad's house after his last relationship ended and was too embarassed to tell me. about 3 months into it I found out from one his friends and he never told me himself. I always had some insecurities about his ex but the worst thing happened about a month ago. I did the big no-no and did a little bit of snooping and saw a pic of him and his ex dressed up in what looked like a court house - a wedding photo I assumed. I also found old pics of them from 2003 - when he only said they were together for 1-2 years - it was obvious they had been together for almost 6 years! I never told him I knew - but it gnawed me up inside - that he was lying to me daily. I had asked him before I moved in and he denied ever being engaged or married. We got into a major fight last week and I got the picture out to show him and demanded an answer! He got very mad at me and said it wasnt my business and i didnt need to know anything. The next day I begged him to tell me where the pic was from - he refused to respond and instead told me it was over and that "snooping" was his deal-breaker. I told him I couldnt believe was mad AT ME when he had been lying to me all along. I said since he refused to tell me I would ask his parents - I thought that would finally get him to talk but no - so I talked to his Mom. That is when she told me that he had been married (twice) before. Once when he was 18 to get a greencard for his girlfriend - which never actually worked out and they got divorced before the card was issued and THEN a second time to his ex - once again so she could get a greencard. They were together on/off for six years and divorced one year after she got the greencard because they were fighting too much. His Mom said that she told him many times to tell me the truth but he was scared cuz he thought i would get too angry with him. When I confronted him after and said I knew everything he said he felt "relieved"... I am am still so upset because he never told me - threatened to break up with me after he was caught red-handed and I never got a sincere apology for the lies and hurt he caused. I cant trust him anymore and I am also upset because I am with a man who has been married twice before and I never knew. I am sure if he told me before we moved in together I would have been more understanding and been happy he was honest - but now I gave up my apt and life and moved in with him and I feel stuck - So I give him a second chance?? Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 "wasnt my business and i didnt need to know anything" Do you see the red flag here that I do? How many other things will happen in a future with this man if there are things as important facts like being married twice before and lying about it? How many other things that "aren't your business and that you don't need to know" ? So the truth is relative to when/if he wants to share it? So intimacy is obviously relative to when/if he wants to share that too! Are you ready for lonliness, because I can see it coming. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I cant trust him anymore That's all you needed to say, dump him. Without trust there can be only a very unhappy relationship Link to post Share on other sites
goingstrong Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) A relationship based on lies does not have a promising start. He is an amazing man - kind and generous and I know he truly adores and loves me is not enough to justify staying with this guy. Forget therapy,discussing your feelings, setting boundaries, and the other pyschobabble BS as your time invested into this creep is not worth it. There are other men that are just as wonderful and honest. View this as your rebound from your other LTR and be grateful that you only spent 15 months instead of 15 years on this liar. Edited October 28, 2010 by goingstrong Link to post Share on other sites
iheartboobs Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 This is tough, because I can tell you care for your man, but what kind of relationship can you have with a person you can't trust? That's a question only you can answer. Personally, lying is as much of a deal-breaker as cheating for me... both break trust. I can put up with a lot, but I can't build any kind of relationship without a solid foundation of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Meatballsmom Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 It isn't any of your business that the man you are getting involved with has been married before? And this brought up anger from him Run now before you invest even more Link to post Share on other sites
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