New here with major issues

[natural2b]

I completely see your point. But I have to take her word for it that he is not invoked with anyone else. I in the past I did not trust when I should have. Now don’t know if I should or not but I am trusting her word. I feel I owe her that from the past. I might end up being a smuck and a fool but then if I don't trust her I could be an ass.

 

Well the other day we had it out. No yelling as to we have never had a screaming match. We always talk calmly. But she was pissed. And I asked about counseling. She said she did not think it could be fixed and quote. "I don't care about saving this I don't care." Well that kind of put in my mind that is was finished. I got angry instead of Feeling sorry for my self and grew some balls I told her that I was through with hope and I am done. That I was not going to put myself through this any longer. She wins!! Then I brought up the fact I was scared how this is going to affect the twins (4). They are both daddies’ girls. They are my heart and soul.

 

Well after the talk she hugged me. I did not respond for about 30 sec or so. Then we held each other for about 5 min. then we went inside and we were light hearted and joked around for a bit. I told her I Knew what that hug was. That it felt like a good bye hug. She laughed and said not it was a friend. She said I was hurting and she thought I needed a hug. Don’t know I know her face was buried in my neck. Then I sat back on the couch and she laid down her head in my lap. I was kind of like what are you doing. And we joked some more and then I went to bed.

 

Then last night day was normal we where watching TV and then she said she was tired so we went outside for smoke more joking and kidding. Then she had to take her medicine and I said ok. We went inside and I said goodnight. She grunted like I was supposed to wait. She came up to get her stuff and we joked some more then she put her stuff down and said I am to sleeping up here. I said ok. She then laid down with me and I held her for about 1-2 hrs we wrestled and laughed and then she dosed off she woke up later and went to the couch.

( first time we have had any physical contact in over 2 months) Well this morning she had to go to Montgomery for a job just a one day trip. She was leaving at 6:30 around 6:10 I went outside to see her off she got aggressive and was angry she said that she tries to be nice and then I smoother her. Well I went inside and I was hurt. But then I got angry and stayed angry until she got home. One of my things that pushed me to the breaking point was walking on egg shells. I told her tonight that I was pissed about this morning and I was not going to be scolded for just wanting to se her off. I did not smoother her I did not even o near her. I was just there to say goodbye. Well she said she thought about it and she did not get much sleep and was grumpy.

 

She actually said she was sorry which was kind of a shock I can count on one hand how many times I have heard those words from her.

 

I am not looking for false up here I am going to stay strong and keep to my decision if something changes and we reconcile it will come naturally I am not going to force it. I have done that in the past and if this is going to work it must be completely new foundation and all I am not going to remodel my relationship.

 

So I do know she still cares but weather it will work out time will tell for both of us. I am not sure how much I can take. I am still making changes to me. With the things she had issues with but not for her for me.

Edited November 18, 2010 by natural2b

[natural2b]

Today she came home for lunch a wanted to have sex. or meaningless sex i mean It took me a few minutes but i agreed it was inceredable. when she reurned to work. I IM'd her and asked if she was ok. she said with what i said with what happened. she said yes as ong as i understand it was not make up sex and it was just sex. I told her that it would take more than sex to fix uor issues. and that is how i am viewing it as not putting hope into it like i hae done in the past.

[natural2b]

Then last night she came by my work when she left she kissed me goodbye said it sucked and wanted another and another and so on. sounds promising right. well i have learned not to put to much hope into what happens . when i got home we went out ide and talked she said she was forcing her self to feel something. i asked if it worked she said not really. i explained that it is not just going to happen over night that t has to be built again. i dunno whats is going to happen but until i know some thing different i have to try and protect myself. i feel like a yoyo thanks for listening

[Light1279]

Wow sounds like some major(but not really major) things have happened. Well I think you should do as you say not see more than it is. Don't look for hope in something that is happening in the moment. I mean maybe she is trying in her own way she is trying. Becasue after all your are her husband regardless of it all. You are the person who knows her best, and just maybe she sees it and feels it. But yet she probaly does not want top let her guard down eithier for fear of things not really changing. Keep working at it, eventually it (relationship)will let you both know where it is going and if it is going to work or your are just going to be friends. But like you say keep rebuilding. Because it is going to be very hard on both ends, but just do your best... Good Luck!

[Don Ho]

Bro, Bro, Bro. No offense, but do you know how and when to keep your mouth shut and not be such a pussy? Geez, she has sex with you and then you have to "intellectualize" the whole thing, ask her if she was ok with it and then you tell her it will take more than sex? Bro, have you bumped your head?

 

I think for most women they become emotionally involved when the continue having sex with someone. It's how they're built. That's why most women have difficulty just being FWBs. If I were you, I would keep my mouth shut and have as much "meaningless" sex with her as she wanted. I would make out with her when ever and where ever she wanted. STOP questioning her, her feelings and her motives. Ever heard the saying "go with the flow"?

 

I'm just sitting here reading what you wrote and how you acted and I keep shaking my head. I've suggested to you what to do from the beginning. She has been moving towards getting re-involved with you (now including sex) even though she SAYS she still wants a divorce and it's over. Remember: it's not so much what a woman SAYS it's what she DOES. Now, next time she wants to seduce you, rock her world like never before .... get it on like Donkey Kong! Keep your mouth shut and enjoy it!!

[natural2b]

still going with the flow. she has started getting things to gether for the psper work i do get to keep my kids and she is going to pay chil support. not what i want but time has come for me to just accept it and move forward. I am not pushing the issue. I am just goig along ith it if she feels this is hat she needs then i will do it. she ays she needs to see me from afar not. to see i have changed she says she just can't believe in me with out it. and that is what she feels is the only way we could resolve this

so we have to divorce scare the chiildren and then she might want to work it out slowly WTF i dunno.. but i gt my girlsand that is all that matters right now All i cn do is keepon my course and hope she comes around before it is to late for me which the more this goes on the more i gt to that point

[Don_da_Ho]

Not much you can do except continuing to go along. If you put up a fuss or a fight, that will likely push her further away. In fact, they often will start a fight with you to gain distance. Don't get sucked into that one. You never mentioned, any more romantic or sexual advances from her?

[Mimolicious]

Did I miss the memo about paragraphs being in violation of LS's rules?

Geez...

 

Bro, man up. No woman wants a punk for a H and someone that can't follow through. Change doesn't take place overnight either. Rome wasn't built in one day.

[natural2b]

i agree i know it will not happen over night. even for me yes we have been having sex 2 to 3 times a weeks still night before not last night. we have an appointment today at one with a MC. so agreed to go i laid it out on the table and told her i would not ask again but the invitation is there if she wants to go. She did say she is not dragging this out past jan she has wanted long enough to divorce. so i am just taking one day at a time.

[Don_da_Ho]

Nice how you just now mention that you're having sex with her 2-3 times a week. Continue with that program. Do not say anything or offer any resistance when she mentions divorce. Look at what she's DOING (having sex with you) not what she's saying (filing for divorce).

 

I just don't get why you don't man up and go with the program. She is doing everything I said she might do and you keep sniveling. Bro, she may go forward with the divorce. If you act like a whiny little puss she will do it for sure.

[IfiKnewThen]

Nice how you just now mention that you're having sex with her 2-3 times a week. Continue with that program.

 

 

LOL

[natural2b]

I am just letting her do her thing. I am just working and doing things around the house that need to be done. If we talk about things than we talk about things. I keep it light. no sense and repeating the same conversation over and over. I try to talk about things that don't relate to us. when we go outside or a smoke. which she does join me about 90% of the time. i don't ask i just say i am gong outside to smoke. well thanks for the advice

i am rereading your first posts.

[natural2b]

well went to the MC today and she did agree to continue to go so one day at a time.

[Don_da_Ho]

As uncomfortable as it may be for you and as much as you want a positive answer from her, you're just going to have to ride it out. Better to have no answer then have her tell you to go away and file for divorce. Keep doing what you're doing, that's your only chance.

[IfiKnewThen]

so you went to the MC with you? and said she would go again?

[natural2b]

we both went and she agreed to go make another appointment so we are going together, not seperate

[IfiKnewThen]

honestly. thats the first bit of good news i have heard in a long time. i am so glad on this end for you. i really hope and pray it all works out and soemthing can be saved..and you can be happy with each other again. step by step. and keep up the love making.

 

finally something even a little remotely hopeful! praise God

[Don_da_Ho]

To me her behavior shows your situation with her is moving forward in a positive way. She may tell you she wants a divorce and it's over, yet she's having sex with you. She's angry with you and your past behavior. So she is going to vent and say things to get back at you for being such a slouch. I think you need to concentrate on looking at her positive behavior towards you, not what she says. And again, man up. BEHAVE better. Do your work around the house, be supportive and take care of business. That also means keeping your mouth shut and not wearing your emotions on your sleeve. I'm not being a prick, but you have to stop acting like a pussy otherwise you're going to lose her for sure.

[natural2b]

will do another ting that i got out of the MC meeting as that she feels trapped in the fact that everytime she would try to make firends that she wold have to give them up to save us. i had ben very controlling and not allowing her to be herself. so it is very important that she is able to be herself and enjoy having friends. I have to learn tht just ecause she has friends it does not mean they are my friends we are two seperate people. he also told me i do suffer from paronoia. whichs explains why i wold freak out and be insecure. and always think the worse. so i have more work to do with my self. my marrage is worth it. and i am comitted 100% to d this

[Don_da_Ho]

I get it. You're insecure and controlling. And you're lazy. That always encourages women to be attracted to you. Sounds like you should be going to counseling on your own to fix yourself.

[natural2b]

i agree the MC is heping us as a married couple but also and individuals. i have alot to work on. the Laziness i have got under control. but i definatly need to keep working on the rest of my issues. so i can be the man she deserves. and i deserve to be for myself

[natural2b]

update last night we decided that we cold not financially afford to live seperatll at this time. so we are going to live under the same roof she imformed me she took money out of her IRA for the divorce so it is coming no changing that. she also said her only concern with us staying to gether under the same roof is how is she supposed to find herself with me around. but she said that is not an option right now. my response was that if she doesthings and i am not involved then that is just the way it is and she will see first hand weather i am truly changing by not tring to control her and what she does. so i have have my work cut out for me but. the is a process of the new me. either good for her or for someone else in my live who ever that may be. i know who i want in my life i just have to work hard and see if that is an option at the moment it is not. I also asked her what she was looking to get out of marriage counseling. she responded she wanted to know where we went wrong.

[Don_da_Ho]

Hmmm. Stay tuned, right? That's probably good for you that she can't move out, that could work to your advantage. But she is going to TEST you to see how you react when she says she's going out or has a date. You better learn to deal with it NOW so that if/when she says it, you won't react. DO NOT fall for her tests!!

 

In regard to her wanting to find herself, her freedom and being independent, you better also learn (only in this circumstance) to think of her as a sister or a room mate. If they said they were going out, you would simply say "have a good time" and not "where are you going" or "with whom"? So don't react like that to your wife.

 

If she wants to have sex with you, keep your mouth shut and have fun. You may find if you SHOW her you have loosened up, you're stepping up around the house and you're getting along, that she may warm up to you more. You're going to have to be patient and control your emotions.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi

 

i am up on all of your posts in regard to your marriage. i am so happy and praise God you are both in MC and still intimate.

 

with the economy the way it is, its not completely unusual to stay under the same roof.

 

she wants to find herself. i get that.

 

i am glad you are positive no matter what. i dont want to burst any bubbles or put a negative spin on anything..because there doesnt have to be.

 

i believe she wants to find herself.

 

there could be the possibility that she has a muse though for someone else. dont let this kill you if that is a possibility or NOT. but if she goes out and about to find what she wants to do..she may try to test the waters elsewhere.

 

this is a very delicate situation. i think some marriages are seriously worth saving. it may be that yours is. most are or can be if 2 people have the same core values and dont run too far and fight for what was supposed to be for better or worse or richer or poorer in sickness and in health till death do us part. infidelity is not in the mix...but forgiveness..and patience and love...well...love is a powerful force. anyway, my feeling is (and so many can disagree) that if you show her what a prize and rock solid man you are...if there is a he /muse he will lose and not win her over. yes this issnt for everyone. of course there shouldnt be another man period! but if you love her..and she is lost and thinks everything else is peachy out there...you by being strong and forgiving could possibly win her back and close these doors that she wants to burst out of. so i say, be strong. dont be a doormat...but while she is still wanting divorce and you absolutely love her...be forgiving and loving and she will want to come home to you. i do wory about you sleeping with her incase God forbid she strays elsewhere. so if she is going to be making love to you. please letr her know you should have an agreement for her not to get physcialy with anyone or tell you. you are in for the fight of your life. but i think love and patience can win out if it doesnt wear you out first. amybe even see if you can get spiritaul counceling together too. 1st one step at a time with MC. but i am a firm believer now that all marriages need God. a healthy look towards him to win the battle against temptation whatever it may be. good luck God bless

[Don_da_Ho]

Good advice from IfiKnew. She may go out with other men. She may even start dating a certain man. Remember, the BETTER man wins. You have to keep in mind that very often an Ex returns to her spouse even when those events happen. You're really going to have to be strong and be a rock should that happen. If you become jealous, demanding or controlling she will LOSE attraction for you and that's not what you want. IF she gets involved with someone, I would be careful about bringing up the issue of sex with another man. Cross that bridge if/when that happens. All this said, DON'T panic. None of this may happen. It might, so it's best to get yourself mentally prepared so that you can deal with it effectively. Remember, you might lose a battle, but you could still win the war. Get it?