Wife no longer in love with me

[kvd]

I have been married for 10 years and just recently had a bomb dropped on me. I found a phone bill that had a number frequently called. We had a discussion about it and bang my wife is not happy. ( wife has been diagnosed with Major deppression)

 

6 months ago my wife came to me and said I have a friend from when she was 15 that is doing it tough because his wife cheated on him and he left. He told my wife he was having trouble with his daughter. He had moved over the to the other side of the country. ( my wife has not seen him since he was 15). I her a tect at 11pm on her phone and because she is in the shower I look at it ( first and last time ever) the text said I love you so much babe. I am shatterred we ave an argument and she leaves for the night. She returns the next morning so the kids 6 & 9 don't know. I say to her it's me or him. She chooses me. Everthing is fine for about 3 weeks until I accidently over here her on a phone she has gone and borrowed from her friend. I listen with out her knowledge for 35 minutes. She talks about how I tried to have sex with her and about everthing that was so personal it was unbelievable. I ask her to leave for a week. 3 days later i ring her for something about the kids and she doesn't answer she is again on the phone to him. She later confesses via text. After the week apart she comes home and tells me it was over 6 months ago. She had told him but he hoped it would work out for her.

We are currently about to seperate with 50% shared custody. I love her with all my heart and would take her back in a heart beat. She won't go to marriage counselling as it is her problem not mine. Has she stopped contact with him I don't know but she has told me that she has feelings but he is not coming here and I am not going their. What to do?

[imagine]

Expose your wife to all relevant friends and family.

 

Find out who OM is that you may chat to his wife. Separate the lovers before working on your marriage. Do nuclear exposure. She is living in a fantasy world. Dent it.

[seibert253]

If your W is not currently still involved with the OM, which I believe she is, then she's still deep in the A fog.

 

The one tried and true method for ending an A, and de-fogging a WS is EXPOSURE.

Don't tell or threaton her with exposure, just do it. Tell both of your families, friends, coworkers, anyone who will listen.

Most important, expose to the OM's W. She has a right to know what her WH is up to, and if you want your W back, she will prove to be a valuable allie.

Yeah your WW is gonna be pissed, so what? She chose this path, she needs to live with the consequences.

[KikiW]

Expose your wife to all relevant friends and family.

 

Find out who OM is that you may chat to his wife. Separate the lovers before working on your marriage. Do nuclear exposure. She is living in a fantasy world. Dent it.

 

While I agree that your wife might deserve every bit of this advice, I would strongly caution against doing so in a way that your children find out.

 

I have been reading where children of wayward spouses are affected long into adulthood. At this point, I can see no benefit to opening up that kind of information to children. Children have no place knowing about their parents' sex lives - we don't have sex with them in the room, we don't talk about our personal sexual proclivities, so what possible reason is there for them to know?

 

Even if she was the most evil woman on the planet and you got a divorce tomorrow with physical custody of the kids, she is still their mother and you will still have to deal with her as their mother. Tread lightly when it comes to your kids.

[imagine]

I would like to respond to Kikiw here:

 

 

She cheated on the kids too. The kids need to hear that her behaviour is incorrect. Divorces confuse the moral issue in a child's life.

 

The child has to understand that the parent has made a relationship error without knocking the parent. They understand that something is wrong and some may even feel guilted. Don't leave them out of the loop and tell them the details in an age appropriate way.

[You Go Girl]

I would like to respond to Kikiw here:

 

 

She cheated on the kids too. The kids need to hear that her behaviour is incorrect. Divorces confuse the moral issue in a child's life.

 

The child has to understand that the parent has made a relationship error without knocking the parent. They understand that something is wrong and some may even feel guilted. Don't leave them out of the loop and tell them the details in an age appropriate way.

 

I disagree.

The children do need to know that mom and dad are having a rough time getting along. If a divorce is in the works, the children need to know that they did nothing wrong and they are not responsible in anyway for the divorce.

One parent should not pass judgment on another parent in front of their children. If the children are old enough to pass judgment themselves, they will do so without any help from the other parent.

In the best scenario, even if the child passes judgment on the WS, the BS should then remind the child that their other parent loves them, that marriages are not created nor destroyed by one parent alone.

The divorce judgment is not for the WS to pass onto the children, EVER.

Doing so opens up a can of worms too. The WS no doubt has a thing or two to also complain about. What a mess that would start.

 

Chastising the other parent is always out of line except when it is neglect/abuse directly of the children.

[blizzard]

I would like to respond to Kikiw here:

 

 

She cheated on the kids too. The kids need to hear that her behaviour is incorrect. Divorces confuse the moral issue in a child's life.

 

The child has to understand that the parent has made a relationship error without knocking the parent. They understand that something is wrong and some may even feel guilted. Don't leave them out of the loop and tell them the details in an age appropriate way.

 

It's a grown up situation...telling the kids is absolutely ridiculous...there is no age appropriate way for them to wrap their heads around it.

 

I agree with yougogirl completely.

[blizzard]

Expose your wife to all relevant friends and family.

 

Find out who OM is that you may chat to his wife. Separate the lovers before working on your marriage. Do nuclear exposure. She is living in a fantasy world. Dent it.

 

You should think about this one too...

 

Exposing her to all friends and family will only push her farther away...and she will resent you.

[2.50 a gallon]

Expose! She already resents you. It shows that you are not a doormat, and have the nads to fight back. Also, quite often an affair can not stand the light of day. And yes, even if they have not physically met, this is an affair.

 

Do not move out of the house. Some courts will see this as abandonment on your part.

 

The children stay with you

 

Began to document everything.

 

Cover your a$$ and get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder that you can carry unknown by her in your pocket to record all conversations between the two of you.

 

One of the wandering wives favorite tricks is to call the police and say you have abused her, the police will then remove you from your home, and into the pokey. And when get our of jail, you find that she has gotten a temporary restraining order to keep you out of the house.

 

A VAR recording helped my buddy in that she was the one who went to jail for filing a false police report.

[health]

Kids have to go through the healing process just like adults. I don't know how specific you have to get with them - they cannot be in denial either, they have to know a divorce is happening. They are tougher than you think.

 

 

The better the parent heals the better the kid does.

 

Your wife is gonna naturally go through the consequences of this.

 

Be good to yourself and come out healthy and successful!

[denise_xo]

I would like to respond to Kikiw here:

 

 

She cheated on the kids too. The kids need to hear that her behaviour is incorrect. Divorces confuse the moral issue in a child's life.

 

The child has to understand that the parent has made a relationship error without knocking the parent. They understand that something is wrong and some may even feel guilted. Don't leave them out of the loop and tell them the details in an age appropriate way.

 

As a child of parents who divorced due to my father's infidelity, the LAST THING I felt comfortable being bombarded with was details about his sex life with other women. It really didn't help me dealing with their divorce one single bit. It's a night mare being a pawn in your parent's divorce issues. My advice to the OP is protect the kids as much as possible and place that priority above getting back at your wife.

 

Good luck.

[habs53]

Kids have to go through the healing process just like adults. I don't know how specific you have to get with them - they cannot be in denial either, they have to know a divorce is happening. They are tougher than you think.

 

 

The better the parent heals the better the kid does.

 

Your wife is gonna naturally go through the consequences of this.

 

Be good to yourself and come out healthy and successful!

 

Although kids may be tough, they are not as tough as adults figure. When a parent ruins there family, there is a huge chance this child will resent that parent. It happened in my home.

[health]

Although kids may be tough, they are not as tough as adults figure. When a parent ruins there family, there is a huge chance this child will resent that parent. It happened in my home.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. The Parent who cheats will be made out to be the enemy. In a sense that's fine. Those are the natural consequences.

Wish you the best, and that you find an incredible woman.

[blizzard]

Expose! She already resents you. It shows that you are not a doormat, and have the nads to fight back. Also, quite often an affair can not stand the light of day. And yes, even if they have not physically met, this is an affair.

 

Do not move out of the house. Some courts will see this as abandonment on your part.

 

The children stay with you

 

Began to document everything.

 

Cover your a$$ and get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder that you can carry unknown by her in your pocket to record all conversations between the two of you.

 

One of the wandering wives favorite tricks is to call the police and say you have abused her, the police will then remove you from your home, and into the pokey. And when get our of jail, you find that she has gotten a temporary restraining order to keep you out of the house.

 

A VAR recording helped my buddy in that she was the one who went to jail for filing a false police report.

 

If you want to save your marriage, keep it your business. Or you will push her farther away...she will resent you even more if you decide to shout it from the rooftops. If you don't want to save your marriage, still keep it your business. You have children. Innocent children. They do not understand. Don't slander their mother. They pay the price for this in the long run. "The kids mom that slept around" Why put them through this. Isn't divorce enough?

Yes revenge feels nice I understand. You want everyone to know your wife is the bad guy. But your kids love your wife...as much as they love you. It's an awful situation your in. A grown up one. If you decide to divorce, keep the reasons neutral when explaining it to them. And please help them understand that you both love them dearly.

My parents divorced when I was 8yrs old. I am now nearly 40 and have just now discovered the real reason behind their divorce. My parents did not make an issue of the infidelty by exposing it or hurting us. It happened. It was what it was. But the focus was placed on our well-being.

[kvd]

An update

- tuesday she wanted to fly and meet him. I was not happy but anyway during the conversation I stumble accross the other mans wifes name

- I call her and her husband was violent and abusive. his children still incounselling.

-confronted her that if this road is taken I will fight for 100% custody.

His ex will happily testify and provide what ever possible to help me including medical records

-my wife actually listened and did not defend him as per normal

[imagine]

Sorry all, I hit my cap.

 

I tried to indicate that exposure IS a love buster. Spouse will get very angry and possibly announce that the revelation is the last straw. This is why exposure is done in one shot. The reason for the advertising is to save your marriage. When her fog is gone she may even thank you.

 

Those that read the part of revealing and affair to children and feel this is dragging them in - this is not so. The kids need know that mom has a boyfriend and that dad is fighting to save the marriage. As Blizzard pointed out, one does not discuss sexual details to children.

 

Kvd yours will not be the last case when WW listens to someone else other than you. Don't take offense but you too are closely involved to be a trustworthy source.

[denise_xo]

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