priscilla Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 My boyfriend and I had been together about a year. We talked about a future together, but he had said that he was still "on the fence" about moving it to the next level. Prior to our relationship he was dating a girl in another state and had an intimate relationship with her. He only saw her a few times because of the distance. This lasted about 7-8 months. During out time together, he continued to exchange email with her, and speak on the phone for converstations that lasted up to 2 hours a couple of times a month. I have also found cards in which she writes about their "special connection". He had also commented that when he does go out of state, he would like to see her for lunch without my being there. I know for a fact that she was still after him despite our relationship. I have asked him to stop this relationship multiple times because it bothered me so much, but he absolutely refused, saying that she is just a friend. I have since broken off the relationship because he refuses to stop talking to her and because the whole thing bothers me so much. Am I being paranoid since she lives in another state or was he never really committed to me in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Originally posted by priscilla Am I being paranoid since she lives in another state or was he never really committed to me in the first place? No you are not. Him having female friends = fine. Him having female friends whom he has a past with = on the fence of not-so-fine. Him having female friends whom he has a past with and yet he won't make you feel better about it and insists on secrecy = NOT fine. Regardless of whether or not he's cheating, their relationship is inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
A Thought Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I concur with Dyermaker! "Him having female friends = fine. Him having female friends whom he has a past with and yet he won't make you feel better about it and insists on secrecy = NOT fine." Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 At least it was only a year invested. You made the right call. His disregard for your feelings at this stage is one of those types of things that spouses look back on and think "I wish I had paid attention to those signs back then!" Link to post Share on other sites
dlb311 Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years then we were planning on moving in together it was to soon we are young (me22 he24) so we broke up for four months. And then he came back realizing that its just not greener on the other side.. Things have been great wonderful in love holding hands kissing, talking, calls wants to see me often... about a month into us being back together he brought over his new digital camera and was showing my pics. there was one of some girl I had never seen before So I asked who is this he said Gloria(changing the name) I was like and he said she is just my friend I ran into her one night at a bar and we became friends again. I was like did you date her he said for like a week but we mutual decided that we wanted to just be friends. well I was upset because why bring the damn camera then I thought honest mistake forget about it. So I moved on he conforted me and said I was the only one and I had nothing to worry about and she knew he and I got back and they are just friends he even wanted me to meet her. A month later we went to a bar with friends well she was there he kissed me and said I am going to say hi to a friend and I couldn't see where he was going in the crowd so my friend went to see.. it was her...but he talked to her for like 3 minutes and then came back but I was like wait he said he would want me to meet her what up with this so I said something I said why didn't you take me to meet her he said you where with your friends. I was pissed but whatever I wanted to have a good time. Then I mentioned it later a couple days and he said he just thought I would be uncomfortable no he would be uncomfortable.... but I let it goo... then he moved into his new house and he got a card from a girl... said she couldn't stop thinking about him and she coudn't wait to get to know him better and she was excited for march... So I collected myself and asked him he said some girl he met a couple months back and she called him and asked for his new address and begged because she had something to send him he said he was totally caught off guard and she is sypho... So he comforted me again and said he was not going to see her and she lived in New York.. that is across the whole country so I waited. nothing.. then I met his partner from work this weekend. She was cute but whatever I wasn't jealous or anything but she would not talk to me she was very distant to me... and she texted him later because she didn't stay the whole night...and said she got home okay and he said okay see you monday at work and she wrote back ya right because he changes his shirft a lot so he doesn't work with her as often.. He said promise... I thought that was weird... so in the morning I asked if he has something with her he said why would I ask that I said just the text you send her last night he said no honey don't be silly.... but then he worked with her yesterday and I called him at 9:30 a.m. and he didn't return my call till 8:50 11 hours later... and today he isn't working with her and he has called 3 times already should I think he is cheating and if so what should I do I am trying to trust him really but its weird things just aren't adding up.... Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Since we are only getting your perspective on this, it is entirely possible that you do not trust him, for whatever reason, and that you are looking for things to be suspicious about. If I wanted to, I could be suspicious about a lot of the things my boyfriend does when he's 450 miles away from me (which is most of the time), but I trust him, so I'm not. On the other hand, if it looks like dog crap, and it smells like dog crap...etc...it must be dog crap. If you think he's cheating on you, dump him. You can't be in a relationship where you're on pins and needles all the time worrying about whether or not he's cheating on you. And if this becomes a problem in other relationships - or has been - see someone about it, but for now, he sounds like a jerk (just because he treats you "nicely" doesn't mean he isn't a jerk), and you probably deserve better. You at least deserve someone you can trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author priscilla Posted March 17, 2004 Author Share Posted March 17, 2004 Hi Mintjulep. I am not sure exactly who your responding too, but I believe it was dlb311. My guy had actually slept with "the friend" a few times before we got together. Even though she lives 2 states away, they have maintained regular communication via phone calls, email, and cards. When confronted, he admitted that she flirted with him on the phone and have also found flirtacious cards. This felt like a realtionship to me. I also know for a fact through mutual friends that she has had her eye on him since they met and already had a plan on how to get him to marry her. She is one of those girls who latch on to a guy and won't let go, regardless of the situation. I couldn't deal with it anymore especially after the last card she sent, that is why I asked him to end it. dlb311- I wouldn't worry about these girls at this point as he probably hasn't slept with them or carried on any long term relationship. It sounds like he learned his lesson the first time you guys broke up. I would give him the benefit of the doubt right now, but keep your eyes open and see if the communication continues without your meeting any of these girls. You have to have trust in a relationship otherwise it just won't work. --Priscilla Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 sorry priscilla, i was confused since dlb311 posted as though this was her own thread. I thought that you were giving us more background information. Which means that I have to respectfully disagree with your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Priscilla, You absolutely did the right thing. Your boyfriend invested more time with the other girl, and you were a fill in since she was out of state. I was in a somewhat similar situation, and I left that relationship without looking back or thinking twice about it. I love hindsight, it's always 20/20. In about a week or two, you will be over this whole thing. DB(whatever lol), I think you have every reason to think this guy is fooling around. He's stringing you along for the ride. No one from work should be texting him, unless it's work related, or it's one of the guys or something. The vibe of dislike that this woman he works with gave you speaks volumes...go with it. It's a load of sh*t that some girl practically forced him to give her his address so that she could send him a card. You've got enough evidence to get RID of him. Even if he hasn't slept with any of these other women, he's certainly putting forth some effort to keep them interested. GET O-U-T! Link to post Share on other sites
Author priscilla Posted March 17, 2004 Author Share Posted March 17, 2004 mintjulep- I think I am trying to give dlb311 bf the benefit of the doubt at this point, but, that may be why I stayed in my relationship too long. I had problems with my bf's friend since the beginning of our relationship and that is when I should of really taken care of the situation, but many friends told me I was being paranoid since she lived in another state. I should of put my post up back then and gotten some differing input. But, I think friends and family really want you to be happy so they try and remain positive about things instead of maybe telling you about their hesitations. Of course after it was over, I was told that I should have trusted my instincts and ended it sooner and maybe that is what dlb needs to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Priscilla, You are right on the money. When I gloss over all of my relationships, that's the #1 thing that needs to be in force...RELY on your instincts, PERIOD. Someone posted something that I read that said it will hurt to stay in a relationship, and it will hurt to end the relationship...that is SOOOO true. If you stay in a relationship that is not good, you have to keep on putting up with that. It's masochism (or sadistic, I'm confused which is which), but that's true. We have these innate instincts for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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