Trying to do the right thing sucks

[TroubledThomas]

I have been married for close to 16 years and have two great kids and a very caring wife as well. Over the past few years our sex life has dropped off to just trying to have sex every 4 months or so, but even then it’s a challenge and I end up feeling rejected and just give up trying. Not saying that this was the right response but it was how I would respond.

Sexually I found it easier to just take care of myself than to deal with our issues in the bedroom and since she never brought it up I assumed she didn’t care either way. ( I recognizes that I too didn’t bring up the subject with her, so I’m not trying to put the blame on her solely )

 

 

This past year I started flirting online and chatting with women, these chats progressed and I found one woman that I grew fond of ( she too was married ) and we decided to meet in person. At the first meeting there was an “instant” connection and attraction for both of us. Our second meeting was at a local hotel. The sex was good but I do remember telling myself during the actual sex “this isn’t worth losing my family over”. So I told myself that I would not do it again and just pretend it never happened.

After just a week or so the urge to see this woman returned, all the feeling of regret I had were over taken with the excitement and the idea of being desired in bed. Our meetings continued for the next few months, not all were sexual some were simple lunch meetings. We stayed in touch via emails every day and as our friendship grew the sex was even better. We acted out every fantasy we could think of and then thought up some new ones.

 

 

Even though we told ourselves how happy we made each other at the same time we made ourselves so unhappy knowing we had to keep our feelings for each other secrets. Often we played the “what if game”, what if we had met each other before we married, what if we were married to each other, etc.. This didn’t help matters.

 

 

A few times she broke it off with me just because of the unhappiness of not being able to be together but we always came back to each other. We’d try to tell ourselves it was just for the sex but it had grown past that.

After 8 months the pain of it all was overwhelming for me, I had lost interest in everything else in my life. The only thing that ever made me feel happiness was the thought of our next meeting. All the time between these meetings just made me depressed. I isolated myself from my wife, my family and my hobbies.

 

 

I wanted things to be right. Either things to be right at home or to be with the other woman, I couldn’t go on with things the way they were. It was out of guilt ( I somehow turned that off long ago, it was just the desire to be truly happy ) She too was having similar feelings since she tried multiple times to call things off between us but only to find us back together. I snapped and couldn’t take it anymore, I went and seeked out help with a professional. I told her everything, how I felt alone, trapped and now heartbroken.

 

 

Her suggestion was for me to bring my wife in to counseling, tell her about the affair and then try to fix things right. I didn’t like this idea one bit but I knew if I told then I would have to deal with it once and for all. The idea of hurting my wife didn’t make me happy at all, but at the same time I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

 

I cut off contact with the other woman ( 3 weeks now ) and am still dealing with the fall out at home. The heartache is easing but is still there and my mind wanders to think of my lost love at times. I answer questions when asked but it’s not easy. Right now things really suck, I’m still sad but now I don’t have my escape that I had grown so accustom to having.

I really hope I’ve done the right thing; it would have been so easy to just keep my mouth shut. Well maybe not easy but still I wonder if I should have. I know if I did I would be right back where I was, in the other woman’s arms when we could sneak away.

 

 

The hope that with this out in the open, me and my wife can work to fix things and will have a better marriage in the end. At the same time I hope I didn't give up something wonderful with the other woman as well. Anyone else have such an experience? Did it have a happy ending?

[jthorne]

Depends. How much effort are you willing to spend in reconcilling your marriage? It sounds like right now, you are more sorry that you had to give up your side sex than you are that you hurt your wife by being unfaithful to her.

 

Your W can't fix things by herself, so what are you willing to contribute?

 

The title of your thread is pretty telling to me, btw.

Edited October 28, 2010 by jthorne

[jennie-jennie]

Her suggestion was for me to bring my wife in to counseling, tell her about the affair and then try to fix things right. I didn’t like this idea one bit but I knew if I told then I would have to deal with it once and for all. The idea of hurting my wife didn’t make me happy at all, but at the same time I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

I'm surprised that your counselor had a suggestion for you what to do. Her job should be to help you figure out which path you want to choose, not to tell you which path to choose. It sounds to me like you need to go find yourself a different counselor.

 

Your thread title is interesting: "Trying to do the right thing sucks". Married men are often torn between the desire to do the right thing and the new-found connection to their emotional self. It is classic to feel you have to choose one or the other. The key is to join these two parts of yourself within: the dutiful/rational and the emotional part of you. This takes work, probably a couple of years at a good counselor's.