Mine may be over as well folks

[Guitarjeff]

She refused to even acknowledge my existence as her boyfriend on her facebook, so it looks like there is not much of a future in this relationship. i am broken hearted, I wrote this after we talked, I can't stop the tears.

 

SoundClick artist: Jeff Stewart - page with MP3 music downloads

 

Jeff

[skydiveaddict]

She refused to even acknowledge my existence as her boyfriend on her facebook, so it looks like there is not much of a future in this relationship. i am broken hearted, I wrote this after we talked, I can't stop the tears.

 

SoundClick artist: Jeff Stewart - page with MP3 music downloads

 

Jeff

 

 

I am sorry for you bro (nice tune though) I thought things were going better for you

[TMichaels]

She refused to even acknowledge my existence as her boyfriend on her facebook... I wrote this after we talked...

 

What were her reasons?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[aisle_seat]

Wow Jeff...I'm sorry. After your last post it did seem as though things were turning around. I don't know what else you could have done. LDR's are so difficult in the best of circumstances but she apparently just wasn't able to make the commitment that's necessary. Take care.

[LisaLee]

Did you ask her about it? My SO and I are still listed as single on FB as well. FB is just not that big of a deal to us.

[Guitarjeff]

Well, I'll post the emails, they are long, but I would like your opinions. I don't feel I am being unreasonable. Folks, I will send her here to read this thread, since it may mean the end of our relationship. Alright, starting out with my first email.

 

Hi honey. Thinking about last night and how close we are, how we said we can talk about anything and we have always said we can come to each other with anything. I feel this email will allow me to lay out my thoughts in clarity and we won't have to cover all this and use up our talking time when we are on skype. Responding to me in an email will allow you to clarify your thoughts for me as well.

 

I have had a question on my mind for months, and if I were to react to the way I feel, without talking to you first and telling you my feelings, you would ask me the first thing why I didn't ask you first and why I carried this around and let it bother me.

 

So here is my question: I would like to know why you have no mention, nor pictures of me on your facebook? I noticed that you put a couple pictures of Jim and Pat up the first thing after they left, yet I have visted twice, we have at least a few pictures from the party of me playing (the one on my Skype for instance), yet not a single mention or picture, nor any representation on your site of the man you love and can't see your life without. I would think that just a couple pictures of your man, with like a caption saying "Number one boyfriend", such as how you put on Jim's picture about being a god father to Sam. There are absolutely dozens of pictures on your site, I just feel hurt that there is not a single one of me nor a single mention that you have a boyfriend and who he is.

 

babe, I have many pictures of you on my main site, my sounclick, I am not ashamed of you and what we share in any way. I write songs and poems devoted to you and let the world hear them unashamedly. Sometimes, recently, I have felt foolish knowing that I am writing songs and poems to you with pictures on my site while I get zero representation on your site. My recent feelings have been making me feel like I should not write anymore songs our poems, that I should take down the pictures of you on my soundlick, but as I said, if I did that without coming to you first in an honest way, the first thing you would say is that I should not have reacted without simply being honest about what's on my mind and coming to you first so that you could explain it to me,, and so that is exactly what I am doing right now.

 

I just have a hard time making myself believe that you haven't thought about picturesof me on your facebook when pictures are such a big part of your life, so I feel that you have probably made a real decision to not have any mention or picturesof the man you love there, and I simply want to know why.

 

When I saw that you had put up only a couple pictures of Jim, I even felt that this may have been on purpose because the more pictures you would have had of him, the more obvious you knew it wuld be to me how I had not a single mention of myself. Same with the pictures from the party we had. I felt there were several good photos of people that night, including you, the kids, me, yet had you put any pictures at all of that night on there, then again it would have highlighted to me how you had none of me, the main focus of that very night. Really, Iam just wondering about the answers to these questions. I just don't feel right inside about revealing such devotion to you to the world while feeling inside that you may be ashamed of me or what we share enough to not even mention me on your site.

 

Again, honey, not wanting an argument or anything here, just feeling that i needed to be honest and come to you with what's on my mind, and not reacting nor changing what I do until I ask you about it first.

 

You can imagine all the thoughts I have had inside wondering about this. First I think, well, is she embarrassed of me in some way, is it that she has several of Steve's family on there as friends and she doesn't want them seeing me? Is there someone else that comes to her site that she doesn't want knowing about me? You can see that if you were to come to my soundclick and see that I had removed all your pictures from my site how you would be wondering the reason, and I would hope that it would hurt your heart that I had done it and I hope that you would come to me and ask why like i am doing now.

 

I don't want to, nor am I trying to force you to put pictures and mention me as your boyfriend on facebook, that's not my intention. My intention is to understand what's going on either way, and to make myself stop feeling like a fool devoting myself, my music, to you in a public place while I am feeling there is a reason why you won't do the same for me. I would love to see an album on your facebook devoted to the man you love, but that obviously shouldn't happen unless that's what you want as well. So please don't mistake this for me trying to force you to do anything, it's just me trying to understand why things are what they are so that I can better make my own self feel good about my feelings and devotion to you. I don't want to feel like I have been feeling because of this, and I simply want to resolve it for my own self, and I don't need or require you to do anything different, it's me that will find what I need to change for myself, I can adjust my own actions and devotions, public displays, offerings from my heart and soul, and you don't have to change a thing on your side. I just needed to ask these questions.

 

I'll stop rambling on now, and you can take your time to reply and I won't mention this when we talk on skype, because i want you to be able to reply in a thoughtful manner with time to think about how you want to explain things to me.

 

Love you, and I love our closeness and how we can come to each other with things like this. I should not have held this in as long as I have, and it feels good to ask and be honest with you.

 

I love you honey, I want 6to tell the world I love you and I would say it in front of anyone in this world, I LOVE YOU!!!

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And her response

 

I don't really need time to think about my answer, it's quite simple really,

a lot of 'my friends' on facebook are Sam's (HER 17 year old son that likes me and I have met several of his close friends and even partied with them) friends and I don't want to draw

any attention to what's happening in my personal life that may make Sam feel uncomfortable or embarrassed of his mum in any way, I'm sorry if this upsets or offends you but that's how I feel, it's not personal to you it would be the same if I were dating Robert DeNiro or Brad Pitt, sorry babe but that may not be the answer you

want but it's the truth. I know you have a lot of photo's of me on your site and I do feel a bit embarrassed to see so much of me, and of course I understand the comparisons you are making, I wouldn't

be hurt or upset if you take them down. And I'll also understand if you don't feel much like writing stuff for me. Whatever you feel must come from within your heart. You and I are different in the way we show our affections, I've already told you I'm not comfortable touching or holding in public and that goes for public displays in all areas I guess, The only people from Steve's (HER EX, still going through divorce) family on facebook are young kids and no there isn't any body else who comes on my site that I'm trying to conceal you from, I'm guessing you are implying

a man?

I'm glad you told me what's on your mind because there is no point keeping stuff back from each other, you may not always get the answer you want or that you like but if I have an answer You will hear it.

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Now my response back

 

Saw where you tried to call. you can call now if you would like. I appreciate your responce, and no, I am not implying anything about a man at all, could have meant anything. N ot sure I understand how a simple picture of me on your face book could possibly hurt Sam in any way, I have met several of his friends and there is nothing that should be embarrassing about our relationship. anyway, I appreciate your response and thereas no need to discuss it further, just needed to understand for my own self

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Now a response from me again after I got home and could type on the computer

 

Honey, I'm the one that needs time to ponder your answer. So, that pictuure of me playing guitar in your livingroom, the one I have on skype, if just that single picture were there, with a caption from you saying "This is Jeff, my boyfriend, great guitar player, wonderful man", just that single picture, would make Sam feel embarrassed, and not having that single picture on your site is worth you not having me write any more songs or poems for you? My goodness, you can't possibly put much value on my songs and poems if you would rather not have them than to put a single picture of me playing guitar and saying this is my boyfriend Jeff. I had no idea the gulf between us was this massive, Marie. I'm sorry, but I don't believe for a second that if we asked Sam, showed him that simple picture with your caption saying This is my botfriend Jeff, wonderful guitar player and a sweet man, that he would say. "yes Mom, it would embarrass me and hurt me if you put that single picture of Jeff on your facebook, yet I have sat and talked with his friends, his friends like me, Sam likes me, it is beyond the pale to me how that this single picture would hurt him in any way or embarrass him. And you would rather me not write or express my love to you any more in poetry or song rather than to put that single picture of me on your facebook? Honey, that makes me feel worse than I could have ever imagined, and I have some serious soul searching to do. I love you very much, but to say that this simple photo and an acknowledgment that I am your boyfriend would be such a horrible thing for Sam is just mind blowing to me.

 

I can accept you have to do what you have to do, so I am not angry at you, it's just that I had no idea that my songs and poetry meant so little to you that this single photo on your site would be enough for you to discard my expressions of love through poetry and song is beyong heart breaking for me. It's like realizing that there is an ocean between us when I thought it was a simple stream. I am devastated and shocked, not at you, but at how I could misconstrue the value you place on the things I do to express myself, I am just shaking inside that I could be so off base that I thought you should have no problem with a single photo of me saying this is my boyfriend on your site.

 

Again, not mad at you at all, you are the person you are and you have your own way of judging what is valuable to you and what's embarrassing to your son who is almost a grown man now with friends that like me. To be told that your son would be embarrassed and hurt by a single photo of your boyfriend after you have been single for nearly a year and a half, is just something I cant phathom. I know you feel this way because I know you would never throw something off on Sam unfairly by saying it's him that would react this way while only trying to keep the truth from me, so you obviously feel like he would be hurt by this single photo, but since you believe this, how about we go to Sam and simply show him the picture of me playing in the living room and with the caption, this is my boyfriend Jeff, great guitar player, wonderful man and we could say to him that you would like to post this but we wanted to make sure it wouldn't embarrass him or anything before we did that. I would hedge my bet that he would say "Mom, how would a single photo of Jeff as your boyfriend on your facebook hurt or embarrass me?"

 

I appreciate that you told me why, whether I can understand it or not, I guess it's not my place to understand it anyway, it just stuns me that this simple photo would cause you such trouble were it on your site. So any way, I'm not mad at all and we don't need to even talk about it anymore, I love you and it's just me that needs to accept that there is a much wider gulf between us that I need to take in to account for the future and I just had no idea that a simple photo like that would have such an impact on you and your son.

 

I'm home now of course, no way I could type all that on the phone, haha. I know Dan is over, so just give me a ring when you go to bed. Love you and miss you. xxxx

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her next response in a reply so that this lead post isn't too long.

[Guitarjeff]

her next response

 

I think maybe we shouldn't speak to each other tonight, you are obviously very upset about the answer I gave and I am surprised at how hurt you are, maybe we don't understand each other as much as I thought we did. I'm sorry that you feel so devastated, I think you ask me a question but perhaps the question you ask is actually a way of asking deeper questions without verbalising the 'real question' it seems to me that your questions are always far deeper than what appears on the surface, I sometimes feel you are 'testing' me and my commitment and I guess I keep coming up short, I'm sorry I disappoint you but you tell me to always tell you the truth, I don't always know why I feel a certain way, I don't always look beyond my feelings of the moment, I just try to do what I think is best - first and foremost for Sam and then I'll try to think of others, sometimes it doesn't go beyond Sam, that's where my thoughts and concerns stay, you may say that Sam is almost a grown man, well yes he may be in lots of ways but he is still my little boy and I am still his mum and there are certain things that are 'difficult and yes embarrassing' for a parent and their child to come to terms with or acknowledge, you may think that 14 months is plenty of time for us to come to terms with what has happened but I can assure you it is a slow process and life doesn't just move on at a set pace because a certain amount of time has passed and it's now deemed acceptable to have 'moved on' to a new relationship.

You have your way of dealing with things and I have mine, I'm sorry what I have said has hurt you, it wasn't meant to hurt you, maybe it's my imagination but whenever we seem to be getting on so well and being very close with each other you find fault in the way I am, or something I say or don't say, or do or don't do, is that my imagination Jeff or are you looking to create a reaction/problem/issue, it seems there is a bit of a pattern to these 'deep questions' you ask me periodically. You obviously spend a lot of time pondering all areas of our relationship and that in turn poses many questions for you, I don't have all the answers, I had been feeling very close to you the past few days and particularly today but it's amazing how suddenly the mood changes and it all gets so tangled and unsettling.

I know you must be exhausted, not only from lack of sleep but you've had an intense day with Jami, I hope she is feeling better and I hope the doctor can get to the bottom of whatever the problem is.

Try to get an early night and we both need to take some time perhaps to think about what you've written and how this has made you feel.

I'm sorry I have upset so, it wasn't meant to hurt you.

love x

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Now my response

 

That's fine Marie, So the one single photo of me playing guitar in your livingroom, that your son said he wished he could have been there for, on your facebook, saying this is my boyfriend Jeff, great guitar player, wonderful person, you are sure this would cause Sam embarrassment and pain, and we can't even let him decide that by asking him if it would be alright.

 

Not upset at you, just stunned that our relationship doesn't appear to be worth you putting a single photo of me on you facebook, a SINGLE PHOTO, that's mind boggling, and I notice you don't even attempt to explain it further to me. Again, to say that Sam would be upset by this when his own friends have met me, partied with me, like me, I just can't imagine it. I am glad you were feeling so close to me, but I wish you felt close enough to me to put a SINGLE PHOTO of me on your facebook saying. "This is my boyfriend Jeff, great guitar player, and a wonderful person" Sam has watched us spend days together, please explain to me again why exactly this would hurt him and why we can't ask him if it would?

 

Good night, sorry that I am not worth a SINGLE PHOTO on your facebook, but again, glad you were feeling close to me, I guess we simply have a different view of what close is, wish we would have known we were so far apart on that.

I remember you telling me that your family, your Mom and Dan told you should make Sam understand that you had every right and reason to be in a relationship with me, Marie, and you agreed, yet a single photo of me playing guitar on your site saying this is my boyfriend Jeff is too much to ask and that you believe this would embarrass Sam. marie, I guess we don't know each other very well, then. I can see why you don't want to talk to me tonight, I too would have a hard time defending your position on this in a discussion.

 

Anyway, just call when you are ready to talk.

 

Love

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Another email from me right after

 

Funny isn't it, I told you once that I would have been glad just to take your pain and put it on myself, and maybe that's just what has happened. I would do ANYTHING for you, live in any conditions, write you a thousand songs, wait for you ten years, yet you would refuse to put a single photo of me playing guitar in your livingroom saying this is my boyfriend. I just can't understand how you could have brought me to your home to spend nights with you, on two occasions with your son in the home, the second time months after the first, plenty of time to think about what you were doing, yet you are telling me he was not over your breakup enough at that very time to handle a single photo of me on your facebook saying I am your boyfriend. Please help me understand this.

 

I was there for you when you were hurting, yet you will abandon me tonight when I am hurting, yes, we have a different opinion about what closeness is.

 

I love you Marie, I'm hurting, wish I had someone to be there for me tonight.

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her short response

 

i'm not abandoning you, i just think this is getting out of hand, it's not really about a photo is it

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Now my response

 

Hi. Of course it's not about a photo, it's about you showing me that you are devoted and proud of what we share as I do for you, in public, with no shame. You see, I find the explanation of Sam being hurt by a single photo of me on your facebook, where in a folder there would probably be almost ZERO chance of friends close to him seeing it, and the closest friends of his already know me and have sat with me and talked with me. I feel your explanation is almost an insult to my intelligence. Sam is a well-adjusted, smart, understanding young man. It is beyond comprehension that you could say to me that this single, harmless photo of me playing at your house, (where he wished he could have been that night) would somehow be seen by friends (how close to him? since his closest ones already know me) would cause him mental anguish and embarrassment.

 

Marie, I have always been honest with you, and I am going to be now, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU and you deserve honesty from me, but I have to say, I am stunned that you would offer this to me as a rational explanation of why you feel you cannot have a single photo of me playing the guitar, an innocent photo of an enjoyable night I spent with your family, and expect me to believe that you simply cannot put this innocent photo of the man you claim you cannot see your life without on your web site saying "This is my boyfriend, Jeff, great guy, and a great guitar player" It makes me want to burst in to tears, it really does. I came there to be with you, I have loved your family, your son, been polite and open with all of them, I put on a show to the best of my abilities with poor circumstances that didn't even come close to showing what I can really do, and I have waited for you to put one simple photo of the man you love on your site, and I am told that simple photo would HURT YOUR SON!!! I would never want to hurt Sam, and so you don't have to worry, I don't expect you to put that simple photo of me on your site that was made while I enjoyed an evening with your family. So if we were just friends, not in love, then you would put a photo of me there? Can you tell me what age Sam would need to be to handle this terrible photo, 20, 23, 25, 30?

 

I'm sorry for asking, forget I even mentioned it, because I wouldn't want to Hurt Sam with that photo. I am just glad you told me the truth about why it can't be on there, why you cant say I am your boyfriend once on your site. yes, I'm glad you were honest with me. You are not dating Brad Pitt, nor any other actor to prove to me that you wouldn't put a simple photo of them on your site, you are dating me.

 

Lets forget about it and you call when you want to talk to me, but don't worry about me, I can handle my pain hust fine.

 

I love you Marie

Jeff

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Her next email to me

 

you tell me to be honest with you and then when i give you an honest answer it all ends up like this, wow, such a shame what a complete turn around today has become, you don't like my honesty Jeff, am I better off just not answering you. You have made such a huge issue out of your initial question, you have made me feel like a 'terrible ' person because there is no photo of you on my facebook and I won't advertise us on a social networking site, what a way to end the day

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I enjoyed a great night with your family, I played music, I am proud to write songs for you and poems for you. You can twist this until you are blue in the face, I WILL NEVER understand how you can tell me that a simple picture of me playing guitar at your home saying "this is my boyfriend, Jeff, great guitar player, wonderful person" would HURT YOUR SON. I'm sorry, you know in your heart it wouldn't hurt him a bit and I know it too. So yeah, I appreciate the honesty, thanks.

 

So now the single photo is me ASKING YOU TO AVERTISE US? ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? You can't be serious. I wouldn't ever ask you to advertise us, I just wanted to know where I STAND WITH YOU, AND NOW I DO!!! Jim must be proud to have a place on your facebook after his visit, your friends seem to have a place there, and that's great for them. I simply wished that maybe you could find room for A SINGLE photo of me playing guitar ad one simple ackowledgement that I am your boyfriend, but far be it from me to ask you to ADVERTIsE US, I would never think such a thing. in fact, I am ASHAMED OF MYSELF for asking this terrible photo and to be called your boyfriend on your facebook after 9 months of us being together, how dare I.

 

Again lets forget I asked, really, I don't want to be on your site, Marie. I love you, but I would NEVER want to cause Sam the kind of pain this would cause him. Please, just forget I asked.

 

Lovexxxxxxxxxx

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Another from me

 

I'm not sure why you seem to want to accuse me of being jealous. You said you thought I meant another man when I asked could it be that you didn't want some person to see me on your facebook, yet then you turn around and tell me I WAS RIGHT BY SAYING SAM WOULD BE HURT BY SEEING ME ON YOUR FACE BOOK, WHAT THE HELL??? Was I right about what I said, YES I WAS, YOU WERE worried about someone seeing me as your boyfriend on facebook SAM. Yet, you again hint that I was saying you were messing with another man. I knew that wasn't the case, or he would be asking why he wasn't on your facebook either.

 

Really, I am not a jealous person, I had not even the slightest thought that there was another guy you were romantically involved with seeing me on facebook as a reason you don't want me on there. I said it because I could come up with no real reasons myself for what you would be embarrassed about us and what we share. I thought possibly you didn't want maybe Steve or one of his family, maybe someone in your own family, I didn't know, but not once did i think you might be involvede with another man on your facebook, or he isn't writing and expressing enough love to you to make it on there with your friends either. So, I was right, you were worried about a "certain person seeing my picture there as your boyfriend", and it was Sam, but i guess I will get used to being accused of that, eventually.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Her response, notice how the reasons start to change when she can't defend saying her son is the reason.

 

this is no good babe, reading through all these emails I just find myself asking questions about where this is all going, too many things being written and said which will cause resentment and uneasiness between us, as I read each one of your emails my heart sinks a little further, how did it come to this, within a few hours I've gone from feeling close to you and missing you to wondering what the significance of all this means to us both, I know how hurt and upset you feel and of course that distresses me deeply for you don't deserve to feel any pain or hurt caused by me, you have always taken away my heartache and eased my mind but now it seems that I am bringing pain into your life. I know you are very deep and emotional and of course that's what makes you the special person that you are and I guess it keeps coming back to the same issue that has been between us for a while, we are at different levels or stages of love and commitment with each other and this keeps causing us problems, which of course is bound to happen, it's not about fault or blame its just the bare facts and this is obviously very painful and difficult for you because you are ready and able to offer me yourself utterly and completely and sadly I'm not, no matter how much I want to or love you I am not at the same stage as you are and I can see this is an underlying problem between us, it's not about me thinking or wanting someone else that's the furthest thing from my mind, it's honestly and truthfully just about me and my personal feelings, thoughts and wanting to be truly strong and healed within myself and ironically like you said so long ago, it's about building a strong foundation, I don't really feel I have accomplished that yet. Are you able to understand this? When I think of how much you love me and care for me I realise how hard it must be for you not to be getting the same amount back, this isn't fair to you, it's selfish of me, I hadn't really thought about it so deeply before now but I can see the pain it's causing you and that makes me feel terrible.

It's so difficult because I needed you to come into my life at my most heartbreaking time and you did and no-one could have reached me the way you have but in another way it seems too soon for me to be able to have this intense love because of what I just said above - I don't always feel strong enough emotionally, physically or mentally, I don't feel enough time has passed for me to be truly healed or able to say " I'm ready to give 100% to you" something holds me back, whether its fear, or lack of belief in myself or what, I just don't know, I look around and see Adrian for instance, he rushed into marrying Ariya and I know he wishes he had just slowed down a bit and taken his time, because he admits he wasn't and still isn't truly healed from the hurt and loss of his marriage. I know we are all different but when I see my own family going through turmoil and confusion it makes me hesitant and wanting to be cautious, I don't doubt you in any way, I have never doubted your love or integrity, I have never known anyone like you before and infact there isn't anyone like you anyway.

I'm just trying to be honest with you and myself, I don't know where this leaves us all I know is that I don't want to cause you such upset and pain, it's just not fair on you, I'm sorry babe that I'm not giving you exactly what you deserve or give me I guess it takes us all different amounts of time to truly come to terms with the devastation caused by the breakdown of marriage, broken trust, infidelity and the feelings of failure.

Please don't be angry with me I feel bad enough anyway.

I know you have more pressing worries at the moment with Jami's health and I can understand how frantic and concerned you must be feeling, nothing is more important than our children's well being, let me know how she is and we can talk soon. This email has taken me 2 hours to write! sorry if it doesn't make complete sense I am tired.

love xxxxx

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Continued in next response

[Kasan]

Can I ask why you are doing this via email?

 

What is wrong with having a phone conversations with her about all of this?

 

And why is so much importance being placed on Facebook?

[Guitarjeff]

Continued

 

I agree, we have been through too much together to be angry with each other like this, and I guess it's just so hard for me to exist in this unequal relationship. I just felt that I wanted you to acknowledge my mere existence as your boyfriend, which you cannot do on facebook. I understand that and accept that. Maybe there is someone out in this world that you will feel you can share that with as a couple, someone you actually will want to share that with, but I realize that isn't me

 

The reason I brought this up in the first place was that we had seen Jess and her "guy/gal" proudly displaying their love for each other on their facebook, and we had been so close i thought you too would be proud to let others know I was your boyfriend, as i am proud to let others know about you. When I go to the long distance relationship forums to read, I see all those lovers sharing pictures together, telling the world how they love each other on facebook, I guess I felt we had been through enough and had enough closeness to share the same, but I guess you simply don't feel like that about me, but it was the closeness we had shared recently that that I gues fooled me in to thinking something was there that wasn't. Not your fault, it's mine.

 

I have my music to get me through the pain, so don't worry about me, I am still glad that I was able to help you get through yours, and now I have accepted that pain in to me, and I am happy to do it for you, I would give my life to save yours. As long as I can express myself musically, then I have an outlet. Did a song just tonight, and took other ones down off soundclick. I meant all the things I have ever said to you, and I have really loved being in your life since we met. I wish things were different between us. Anyway, I'm sleepy, and I better get to bed. It's so ironic, that if we were only friends, I could be on your facebook, but not ever as your love. yes, that is truly ironic. I will send you another email sometime tomorrow and talk more.

 

Have a great day and tell everyone I said hi and that I miss them.

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Then I posted about my birthday gift she sent that is on the way.

 

[FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]Your gift[/sIZE][/FONT] didn't arrive, but I don't expect to keep it marie, I suspect it's a camera, but that's just a guess, and all i did for your birthday was write a dumb poem that cost nothing, and I would feel so bad keeping something expensive like that, you have already spent so much money on me and your heart has been so kind to me. I now feel like I have given nothing back to you all this time, and I'm so sorry. I just cant stop the tears, I know you know how that feels, I'm so lost, such despair. I hope so much I have been good for your life.

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Her response

 

please don't say such things like this, for a start the poem was the best gift I have ever received, nothing will ever equal that, secondly your gift will arrive soon and it is for you too keep regardless. I had ordered another small gift yesterday and that is also for you to keep. You have given me more than anyone in this life has even given me. Why does your email sound so final? Have I hurt you that much? I love you I just can't give you the same intensity as you are able to give me at this time. I can't imagine my life without you, infact, you promised we would always be in each others lives, I'm never going to willingly leave yours, please don't cry baby, I'm the same as I was yesterday,

love xxxxxxx

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Marie, how can I be happy in a relationship where my love won't acknowledge that I even exist as her boyfriend on her facebook? That's not asking for you to give me the same level of intensity, that's just asking and expecting something that should be obvious when two people are in a relationship and love each other. If you cannot bring yourself to do such a basic thing as acknowledge I am your boyfriend, what am I to think? How can I exist in a situation like that? How can I write songs for you in that situation, yet how couldn't I write songs for my forever love? I'm so confused, so tired.

 

I love you more than anything, more than anything in this world, my feelings are not at all clouded nor unclear. But I have to write songs for my love, yet my love can't even have a simple picture on her facebook saying this is my boyfriend after the many months and the many deep things we have shared. that's not asking for the same level, nor marriage, nor sacrifice, that's just asking for love on a small scale, just a small acknowledgment of commitment. How could I truly share my love anymore with someone who can't bring herself to do such a small thing for me in return? I would do anything for you, sacrifice anything, as long as even a small bit of love is returned to me, how could I ever feel you respect me when you cannot do such a thing to acknowledge our relationship as being a relationship?

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Her response

go to sleep Jeff, it was obviously not enough for you that I introduced you to all my family, that I brought you into my home, I'm sorry.

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We share privately, yet you won't acknowledge I even exist as your boyfriend, if says to me that you are ashamed of me somehow, if it looks like a duck, quackes like a duck, swims like a duck, it's a duck. So you are saying that it only appears that you are ashamed to say I am your boyfriend on facebook, but it's really not that way. Marie, I asked to for something simple, not to marry me tomorrow, so simply ackowledge with one measley picture that I am special to you on Facebook, just as I gladly acknowledge you on my site. I am NOT WRONG for asking this, but by all means, shall we ask Dan what he things, marcel? Show them the picture of me playing, explain that i would only like that on your site and a simple mention that I am your boyfriend, and you really think they will say that I am being unreasonable? We have both spent time together, I came to your home, I played music for you and your family, I put myself in an uncomfortable situation wit your husband coming to the place I was staying twice a day, I have written you a dozen songs, I have poured my heart out in poetry, I have share dmemories of our lives together. I am NOT BEING unreasonable to ask for one lousy picture of me on your facebook and an ackowledgement that we are a couple. I'm not asking you to write a book of love, I am asking for one sentence and one picture, and that's too much to ask of you. really? is it really, Marie? So you'll never willingly leave my life, well, only if i ask for one lousy picture on your facebook, is that what you really mean?

 

I am NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, but I'll post our situation to several LDR boards and lets see what they say, let's see how they all say that I am being unreasonable. is that alright?

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her response

ok Jeff you carry on with this, but when you do post it make sure they know at what starting point we were both at and yes I'll ask Dan and Marce and my mum what they all think, what a pity our 'special' relationship has come to this and when we get the feedback and it's what you expected I hope it makes you feel better that you were 'right' all along. The more you push me Jeff the further I go

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Another from her

and finally lest not forget the minor detail of me informing my husband as well as all of my family about you, of inviting them to my house to see you perform, ahh but that's not enough for you because there is no ****ing photo on facebook, yes I'm sorry you had to endure being in my home when Steve came here twice daily during your last visit, I realise how awful and uncomfortable that was for you, don't think that hasn't made me think twice about your next visit, it's just never enough for you Jeff, things don't happen quickly enough for you - that's not your fault that's mine but unfortunately I can only do so much at a time, I cannot change everything over-night, (yes I know it's been 14 months!) I try to do my best not to cause confrontation or bad feeling but here we are again, failed miserably.

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And the final one from me this morning.

 

Time to stand up for your love, you either put A DAMN SIMPLE PHOTO of me on your facebook saying I am your boyfriend, OR HAVE THE INTELLECTUAL HONESTY to tell me why you wont. You still will not give me a rational reason why, and whatever it is, IT IS A HUGE REASON, Marie. You appear to be willing to END OUR LOVE rather than put a single photo of me on your facebook saying I love you. COME OFF THE BULL ****, TELL ME WHY!!!!! I WANT THE ^TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are an intellectual coward if you will not give me a reason, that's the way it is. You can spin it, you can dodge it, you can run from it, but there is a HUGE REASON, one VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU for not having me on facebook, it's not Sam, and you insulted my intelligence for even suggesting it. You MUST BE wanting to keep me off there REALLY REALLY BAD, bad enough to end everything we have shared, the closeness, the memories, the depth, and then you have the gall to tell me you love me like no other in your life that you have ever loved, to tell me that you cpould never share with anyone what we've shared, (jeez, just a normal love wouldn't even get am email from you if your soul mate can't even get a single mention of your facebook).

 

You can insult me by sitting here saying to me that you won't put a simple photo of me on your facebook just ackowledging I am your boyfriend, and then incredibly say to me that it's me asking for too much? It's never enough for me? ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME? I AM ASKING FOR TOO MUCH when I ask for a single, lousy photo of me on your facebook acknowledging that I exist as your boyfriend? YOU KNOW THIS IS BULL ****, MARIE, FOR THE FIRST TIME since I have known you, you are being an intellectual coward.

 

THERE IS A HUGE reason you won't do this, and you also REFUSE TO TELL ME THE REASON, two TOTAL INSULTS to the man you say you love. No, at some point you have to stand up and show that you respect me even a small amount by telling me this huge reason that I can't be represented by ONE ****ING PHOTO on your facebook ACKNOWLEDGING my very existence, and then I will be a big enough person to accept that and we can pick up the pieces and start over with the knowledge that your love for me just isn't strong enough to do such an awesome committment as putting that picture up.

 

Marie, do you really think that we can move on with this by me saying "hey, no problem, I understand (When I would be lying) and we can just keep saying I love you? Don't you know that each time you would say I love you to me that I would be thinking (but not enough to put a simple damn photo of me on her facebook)? Do you honestly think we should go forward with such a farce as that? please explain to me how we do that, and how our love would still be meaningful and pleasing to us both. So i am supposed to carry forward, and we both accept there will be no more songs and poetry from me to you, I wouldn't be able to bear listening to Mickey with you anymore, it would hurt too much because I would know there is a HUGE gulf between us and that whatever we shared would not be enough for you to even ackowledge that I am your boyfriend with one lousy photo. Is this what you really want, Marie?

 

I love you, but if asking you to put a single photo of me on your facebook is pushing you away, then Marie, you were already walking away to begin with, I don't need to do any pushing. If you don't respect me enough to tell me what's going on, then your feelings (or lack thereof) are MORE THAN OBVIOUS!!!

 

There is a reason you won't have me on your facebook BIG ENOUGH for you to throw our love away, be big enough to tell me that reason, or stand up for our love and put the picture up. Everything we have shared doesn't mean enough to you to put the picture up or be honest with me and tell me the real reason why you refuse. Spin it anyway you want it, try and try to convince yourself that I am being unreasonable when you know in your heart that is not true.

 

Now, you hint at the next phoney reason, that your foundation is not healthy enough yet? WHO THE HELL is asking you to marry them? I'm not, I simply asked for a single damn photo of me and for you to simply acnkowledge that we are currently in a relationship. It's LAUGHABLE for you to suggest that is somehow unreasonable. LAUGHABLE!!!

 

I love you, I am not ashamed to say it, to sing it, to write it, to anyone anywhere. I am not asking the same of you, I am asking for one measley photo and an ackowledgment that we are CURRENTLY in a relationship together, not marriage, not for you to profess you undying love in a book, just that CURRENTLY, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND and THIS IS HIM!!!! If that is too much for you after all we have shared, after all we have gone through, then you don't love me and you should never say those words to me.

 

Marie, if you ever feel that you love me enough to say that you are currently in a relationship with me on your facebook (gee, what a momentus thing I am asking of you) then please let me know, for I love you, and I need you. If you don't love me that much, then you never loved me to begin with.

 

I love you very much, I wsh you could say the same. Let me know if you ever do, and I hope it's before one of us ends up in another relationship, for our exclusivity will be lost, and I know that you could not be my soulmate without our exclusivity.

 

I LOVE YOU MARIE, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Now, I want to add that during the first four months of our relationship, this woman professed her ABSOLUTE undying love for me, her utter devotion in some of the most deep emails I have ever read. Anyway, Give your responses please, good or bad, and I will post them to her.

 

Thanks

[nittanylion]

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP IT. As Don Ho said "stop being a pu ssy". The more you bother the more you will push away for good. Apparently, the answer is on your conversation. I dont like to say this, she does not want you as a BF. I think she might have someone else. JMO!

 

 

What you need to do is NC NC NC NC. Move on with your life and keep yourself busy.

Edited October 29, 2010 by nittanylion

[Andy_K]

You sound like a complete and total woman. You're projecting your insecurities onto her actions and getting very upset as a result.

 

Who gives a damn about facebook? If you spend plenty of time with her, and she treats you well enough when you're together and stays in touch when you're not, stop worrying so much.

 

However, this series of emails will probably have turned her off massively and pushed her away like you wouldn't believe. Especially the angry tone in the last one. Expect a dumping soon unless you're extremely lucky.

[Guitarjeff]

It's I that am doing the dumping, she doesn't stay in contact even close to what she used to, so yeah, she's the one that pulled back constantly, no problems until she started doing that. She refuses to even ackowledge that we are in a relationship on her facebook, that's not love or anything else I know of that's part of a healthy relationship.

[quankanne]

jeff, this sounds like a lot of self-induced drama over a woman you love who isn't legally available to you.

 

from her: "I don't want to draw any attention to what's happening in my personal life that may make Sam feel uncomfortable or embarrassed of his mum in any way" then a mention of some guy Steve, who I assume is her husband and father of her child to whom she is still married?!!

 

I totally respect and understand your excitement and joy about publicly proclaiming her as your girlfriend ... but Jeff, if this girl is not yet legally divorced from her husband, and feels it's more proper to keep quiet about y'alls relationship in the time being, you really need to respect this decision. Because plastering your photo all over a social networking site and telling the world you are her boyfriend while she's still married could very easily bite her in the butt.

 

if this is honestly the case, that she's still legally another man's wife, please get a grip on your feelings and stop harassing her about this. By insisting that she can't possibly love you as much as you do her when she refuses to give in to your demand that she profess her love via FB only gives her the opportunity to reconsider y'alls relationship AND whether or not you actually respect her needs ...

[tinktronik]

jeff, this sounds like a lot of self-induced drama over a woman you love who isn't legally available to you.

 

from her: "I don't want to draw any attention to what's happening in my personal life that may make Sam feel uncomfortable or embarrassed of his mum in any way" then a mention of some guy Steve, who I assume is her husband and father of her child to whom she is still married?!!

 

I totally respect and understand your excitement and joy about publicly proclaiming her as your girlfriend ... but Jeff, if this girl is not yet legally divorced from her husband, and feels it's more proper to keep quiet about y'alls relationship in the time being, you really need to respect this decision. Because plastering your photo all over a social networking site and telling the world you are her boyfriend while she's still married could very easily bite her in the butt.

 

if this is honestly the case, that she's still legally another man's wife, please get a grip on your feelings and stop harassing her about this. By insisting that she can't possibly love you as much as you do her when she refuses to give in to your demand that she profess her love via FB only gives her the opportunity to reconsider y'alls relationship AND whether or not you actually respect her needs ...

 

I absolutely agree. This is spot on advice.

[Art_Critic]

Jeff.. you need to keep this in perspective..

You have only seen each other in person 3 times and it seems like she is leading a relationship that is not on the same interest level as you are.

 

You are WAY more invested in this than she is and that isn't good...

You seem to be grasping at any straw that shows you she loves you.. Well if her telling you isn't enough then you will just destroy everything in your path trying to get that validation you need.

 

You guys are 5000 miles away, that alone requires a certain type of personality in order for it to work and honestly it sounds to me that you haven't realized that you need more than a LDR can provide.

 

I think all the things you are doing for her with regards to the music is cool and she does seem like she wants to be with you but you must also consider your needs..

 

Right now her needs are being met by the life she is living right now.. her son and work life as well as husband if I read that right.. ( I noticed in her email that she mentioned him by her husband rather than by her soon to be ex husband )

 

She doesn't have the need to validation from you because she gets it elsewhere in her life...

 

I think it's time for a heart to heart about your future together and maybe you might be better off dating someone that you can see thruout the week..

 

Chin up dude..

 

If it means anything it sounds to me that you guys at the very least communicate very well and are working towards resolving this.

[Guitarjeff]

well, that's why you folks should get the big bucks for therapy. Alright, I am a big enough person to take good advice, so I sent her an email asking her to get on skype and let's just agree to disagree ande we can discuss these heavy subjects as we feel like it over time. If we really care about each other, then I guess that alone will keep us going and time will simply decide these things without us arguing over it. I guess I need to realize that time will put our relationship where it truly belongs, either behind us or moving in to the future, so I will listen to you folks and just agree to let fate handle this stuff, just be honest with how I feel, let her do her thing as she feels it, and try to move forward. If she wants to do that, then great, I just want to try and be reasonable.

 

Thanks for all the advice guys, keep it coming, it's nice to get a clear perspective from those not involved personally.

[quankanne]

a suggestion: Get hold of a copy of "The Five Love Languages" – you'll be amazed by what you read ... and come to understand that even if your honey's style of loving isn't the same as yours, it's still heartfelt.

 

like you, my husband and I were in a long-term LDS, and it got to be frustrating at times. Fast forward nearly two decades and A LOT of hurt feelings on my end by what I perceived to be an inability to "love" me, I read that book and a lightbulb cllicked. And it's made a huge difference in the way I see our relationship because I now understand what his "language" is.

 

as for your gal ... she might be a bit gun-shy, though still very much interested in being with you. Just hold on to your head and give her the opportunity to get to that point that's been so much easier for you to arrive at – otherwise, she could very well just respond from her being overwhelmed, and not from other feelings, you know?

[folieadeux]

Jeff, I'm so sorry to see things have taken a turn for the worse. I am confused though about one thing, is your SO still married? If so, you have your answer right there. I would just need more clarification on this issue first in order to offer advice that would be a bit more applicable.

 

At any rate, it's very clear you both show your feelings on completely different levels that isn't satisfying either of you. I agree with the poster who suggested you need to stop emailing and start talking over the phone/skype whenever you get a chance to straighten things out. Your communication together is great, however it's painfully obvious that you are more invested in this relationship than she is.

 

Another thing I just don't get is the emphasis you're placing on Facebook. Many people take a very casual approach to this site so I think that perhaps it's possible that you're just using it as an excuse to argue about the bigger issue: her not being as committed as you are to your life together.

[Guitarjeff]

SO is married, but her husband left her 14 months ago. They own student houses in England, and the economy is bad and if they just sold everything and split they would lose a lot of money. So her husband just bought a house last month in both their name, that way they can now split everything and keep their student houses and my SO will run the buisness and she will get a salary plus half the profits, so the divorce has taken a long time, but there is nothing between them, he wanted out and now has his own house. For a long time he still had to park his work truck at the house and pick it up every day and drop it off. She was heart broken when we met, and we fell in love and have been together for 9 months. During our first four months she was really in love, I mean bad, I mean can't even eat or sleep, we at times used to spend 5-8 hours on Skype. we have done 8 hours at least twice, 5 and 6 hours many times.

 

here's the problem I have. You are right, facebook is not the issue, it's the bigger issue. If I told yu I loved you, professed my undying love, made love to you and held you, but then one day we go in to a diner to eat, and I stop you at the door and say, "would you mind if we don't act like a couple here?" It would be devastating, would it not? You see, she says she is in a commited relationship with me and that she loves me and that she can't swee her life without me, but "psst, hey, do you mind if we don't act like we are together in this diner?" This, I believe, is what she is asking of me. I say, "but how could you ask me this, how can you tell me privately that you love me, you are commited to me, you make love with me, you hold me and we share the deepest of love, yet then ask me if you would mind if you act single in certain places?

 

Her argument has been, well, I have brought you to meet my family, you played music for my family, etc, do you see that this would not be a reason for me to walk in to that diner and agree that she can act like we are not in a relationship. Do you agree that if I allow such a thing that my own self esteem would be devastated? Could you live with yourself if you walked in to that diner and agreed to let your SO act single, and his excuse is that he let you meet his family, he makes love to you, he says he loves you everywhere but the diner, so you should let him act like you are not together in this certain diner. Could you live with yourself if you allowed this to happen?

 

Her other argument for this, as you saw, was that she went through heart break and her foundation is not built back, yet her foundation is fine for holding me in person, telling me she loves me and is committed to me. her foundation just won't let her say it on facebook, but she can have intimate relations with me and tell me she loves me in person. It's like if someone said, "I Love You", and then whispered in your ear and said, "but don't quote me on that". If she has foundation enough to hold me in her arms and tell me she loves me and is committed to me, then she should be able to say those things anywhere, anytime. I am now considering sending her an audio file telling her these things and saying that I can't allow myself to be disrespected like that, if I allow her to do this to me I don't feel like I can live with myself. So no, facebook itself means nothing to me, it's the fact that she can tell me she loves me to my face, hold me, cherrish me, yet then tell me to lower myself and agree that we won't act like a couple at a certain place.

 

Hope that makes sense. But my heart is breaking, what do i do? I love her, but I love myself as well. i have too much love and goodness in me, too much to offer to someone to lower myself-esteem like that, or am I not seeing this clearly?

 

 

 

Jeff, I'm so sorry to see things have taken a turn for the worse. I am confused though about one thing, is your SO still married? If so, you have your answer right there. I would just need more clarification on this issue first in order to offer advice that would be a bit more applicable.

 

At any rate, it's very clear you both show your feelings on completely different levels that isn't satisfying either of you. I agree with the poster who suggested you need to stop emailing and start talking over the phone/skype whenever you get a chance to straighten things out. Your communication together is great, however it's painfully obvious that you are more invested in this relationship than she is.

 

Another thing I just don't get is the emphasis you're placing on Facebook. Many people take a very casual approach to this site so I think that perhaps it's possible that you're just using it as an excuse to argue about the bigger issue: her not being as committed as you are to your life together.

[Guitarjeff]

I'll say something else. I didn't ask her to lie on facebook, I asked her to simply tell the truth, to say what she says to me in person, and not even near that much. All I asked is that she put a picture on and say, I have a boyfriend, this is him. I simply asked her to say what she says to me. If she can't say what she says to me in person, I can't seem to make her see that it lessens the impact of what she says when she does say it in person. If those people left the diner and then went home and the guy says, "I do really love you and I am committed to you", after earlier saying "lets not act like a couple in here", then the other person is going to feel like those words mean nothing. I am thinking it's the self respectful thing to do to move on, to explain to her that I love myself better than that and I deserve someone who won't ask me to belittle myself. I have too much to offer someone, love, laughter, music, humor, depth.... to feel good about someone telling me they love me in private and then telling me not to quote them on that at certain places.

[tinktronik]

I'll say something else. I didn't ask her to lie on facebook, I asked her to simply tell the truth, to say what she says to me in person, and not even near that much. All I asked is that she put a picture on and say, I have a boyfriend, this is him. I simply asked her to say what she says to me. If she can't say what she says to me in person, I can't seem to make her see that it lessens the impact of what she says when she does say it in person. If those people left the diner and then went home and the guy says, "I do really love you and I am committed to you", after earlier saying "lets not act like a couple in here", then the other person is going to feel like those words mean nothing. I am thinking it's the self respectful thing to do to move on, to explain to her that I love myself better than that and I deserve someone who won't ask me to belittle myself. I have too much to offer someone, love, laughter, music, humor, depth.... to feel good about someone telling me they love me in private and then telling me not to quote them on that at certain places.

It's not socially appropriate of her to announce that she has a boyfriend on facebook before her marries is legally dissolved, while she has a child within that marriage whose life this may cause embarrassment to or may disturbing in any way.

 

Give it a break. If you can't handle that she's trying to dissolve her marriage with "tender hands" for the sake of her child while seeing you who she is professing to care about then you need to move on to a relationship that's more suited to your personal needs. If you can't handle this, don't torture her in the process.

[LisaLee]

She's married. It wouldn't be prudent to announce you as her boyfriend on a social networking site to people who know her as married. When is she planning on getting a divorce?

[quankanne]

. For a long time he still had to park his work truck at the house and pick it up every day and drop it off. because they've had to keep up appearances of being married?

[Guitarjeff]

Interesting point I see, but everyone in their life knows her husband has left, there is no disputes of any kind in the divorce, her husband knows of me and I have visted her twice and he knew i was there, her sone likes me very much. But I can see what you are saying, however, I guess. And most everyone in her life has also met me and likes me, I played a mini concert for her entire family, even cousins. I can't understand fully what you mean cause her embarrassment, nor any legal troubles. Please explain more, and I believe you may be on to teaching me another view, and I would thank you for it. I would love to tell her that I now understand, and I see it from a totally different view, from her angle.

[nittanylion]

Interesting point I see, but everyone in their life knows her husband has left, there is no disputes of any kind in the divorce, her husband knows of me and I have visted her twice and he knew i was there, her sone likes me very much. But I can see what you are saying, however, I guess. And most everyone in her life has also met me and likes me, I played a mini concert for her entire family, even cousins. I can't understand fully what you mean cause her embarrassment, nor any legal troubles. Please explain more, and I believe you may be on to teaching me another view, and I would thank you for it. I would love to tell her that I now understand, and I see it from a totally different view, from her angle.

 

Did she show u the divorce decree?