After a death, to contact or not to contact.

[Lemontang]

Bit of a tough one here. A person whom I met through an ex of which I've been NC with for quite awhile now due to a serious fall out (alcoholic, cheated repeatedly, abusive ...oh I could go on). Passed away a few days ago due to a long illness. Now this person was like a 2nd mother to my ex literally, and whilst with the ex we'd often travel down and stay for a few days. I had all the respect in the world for my ex's friend and her family. I'm even considering making the 5hr drive to the funeral that's being held in a few days as I'd drop in every time I was out that way on business to say hello, even after my ex and I parted ways. I know the ex is going down to this for obvious reasons. But irrespective if I go or not should I say something to her?

 

This lady was a significant part in her life and I've moved on from the ex, but I'm also not a prick because I recognised the relationship between the two of them as virtually pseudo mother/daughter/best friend and feel I should say something to her even if it's just a brief txt message to say sorry for your loss.

 

If it was any other ex I most likely would, but due to the fallout we had due to her actions I'm actually unsure.

 

Thoughts?

[Crusoe]

I experienced a similar scenario a few weeks ago. My ex's father requested I visit him before he died. I travelled abroad to see him and stayed to pay my last respects but I did not contact my ex. It's been 9 years since we last spoke, and because of her cheating and lies we parted on very bad terms. I figured it best to leave the past in the past. She did not come to pay her last respects, had she done I would have left immediately, the last thing she would have wanted was to see me.

 

That's what I did. As to what you should do? Well, every situation is different. If you think contact can be made without any upset, then I see no harm. Likewise with the funeral, if you can be there without any friction or scenes, then I see no harm.

[Lemontang]

Well the funeral was yesterday. I chose in the end not to go. I know the family would have appreciated it so when I'm next down I'll drop in and pay my respects then. But the ex would have caused unnecessary tension no matter how civil I was, and frankly a funeral is about the person whom people are paying there respects too and nobody else.

 

I've also chosen not to contact her to just say sorry for the lose of her best friend, knowing her she'd view it as me trying to achieve something with her when I'm simply only paying my respects (she's pretty self absorbed).