after a quick divorce, we're talking again

[whysohard]

hi

 

me and my wife divorced sometime ago, it was a clean break even though she was trying to mess with my head in the day of the divorce i persevered and we got it done, since then it was mainly NC from my and her part.

 

i met her few days for coffee and it was great, the time passed by very quickly and it was a nice chat, but during the conversation she kept dropping all these hints about her being alone and doing things on her own, she tried to show (subtly) that she has changed and she is more mature now. at the end she told me right out that we should see each other more often...?

 

 

i am confused because still i love her, i had a couple of flings in the mean time and i think she did the same.

 

i have made major changes in my life recently, i went further than i ever thought in my career and changed my life phylosophy and how i look at things, why do i still love her?

 

i want to initiate contact again and starting dating her but i am apprehensive of her reaction.

 

any advice?

[carhill]

How long is 'sometime ago' ?

 

What has changed to indicate she's more 'mature'?

 

What were the incompatibilities which led to your irreconcilable differences?

 

You love her because she was your wife, presumably for years. That's normal. Most married people give a lot of themselves to their spouses while married. That changes you. What I've uniformly noticed is how many people 'hate' their ex'es. I almost feel disfunctional for not hating mine. I accept that we're incompatible as a married couple but can interact fine as polite strangers.

 

Remember how your wife was when you were dating many years ago? Remember each other's 'best' behavior? Yep, that's it. It's easy to be on one's best behavior when there are no responsibilities, commitments or expectations.

 

Time reveals all truths. I'd suggest having a serious love affair with a compatible person before deciding your exW is the be-all and end-all. In any event, no rush. Whatever is true and meaningful stands the test of time. Good luck

[whysohard]

hi Carhil,

 

i followed your advice about a year ago when all this was going on and would like to do the same again (i have posted my full story here before)

 

we divorce 6 months ago, no kids no commitment, clean break.

 

when we met however she was incredibly nice and kind and all those hints she kepts dropping and emphasising that we should meet again.

 

it is probably wishfull thinking but if i could i'd like to get back to her, i dated few girls after her but did not connect with any of them on an emotional level.

 

i must admit i worked on myself 100% of the time in these last few months, i tried to tackle all aspects of my life and i did manage to achieve most things i set my eyes on.

 

but now this wishfull thinking is killing me.

[carhill]

Thanks.

 

IMO, in order to 'connect' with anyone else on an emotional level, you must first resolve your love for your exW. Some people do this by mourning the loss of the marriage alone; others do it through therapy; others through rebound affairs/relationships/validation from third parties. We're all different in how we go through the process. I happened to do it alone after having MC, but that is my path.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that your 'love' for your exW, in order to be healthy in the future, must be completely 'new' and based upon the people you are *now*, not as a remembrance of what was. The same way you dated and fell in love in the past must occur again, and without the familiarity which your marriage has brought to your interactions. IMO, that's key.

 

Continue your work and what happens, happens.

[whysohard]

i think i am capable of moving on but she doesnt want to let it go, every months or so there is this little nigly text or a banal request from her.

i am basically curious and intrigued, on the day of the divorce she was telling me how there is nothing wrong with us and how we should meet more often and then see what happens, she did the same thing the last time i met her.

 

i'd say i am more in contro of my emotionsl now then when we divorced, curiosity is an evil thing:rolleyes:

 

if she turns around and says no i dont want us to be together then i will happily move on, but she never let go

[carhill]

Have you noted any empathy or care for how *you* feel?

 

To me, this is key. So far I'm hearing what she wants and in the usual and customary ways women exhale carbon dioxide to get it, that being creating the illusion of care, but without actual care. As a discriminating consumer, I ask 'Where's the beef?'

[worlybear]

IMO -You should run as far away from her as possible!