Is it really time to go?

[releasethekraken]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hello,[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Newbie here (I hate that word) who is in a tough spot. I am usually a very private person, but it has come to a point where I just need to let it out…so here goes. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]To give you some background, my wife and I have been married for just over 9 years and have been together since we were in high school. She was the first girl I ever really dated and became emotionally involved with. At age 17, we had the first of our three boys together, who now range from ages 6-14. Although we had some brief separations, during college, we have always been together. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]On paper, we are a true success story. Teenage parents, both complete undergrad, she supports me while I go on to complete medical school. Great support from our parents/families who backed us all the way. She has stood by me through all of my complicated medical training. Really loyal girl. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]When I started residency four years ago, things started really going downhill for us. I was tired of raising a family on a resident income so I started a company so we could live with better means through the final 4 years of my training as a surgeon. As the company grew, I became very taxed with an insane schedule. I asked her if we could move closer to the hospital but she wanted to stay close to her mom so I decided to put up with the hour-long commute each way. My days were hell working over 100 hours per week. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The harder I worked (owning and running a company alone while being a full time surgical resident) the better her life-style got. She never wanted to be a part of the business and I didn’t feel as though she could sympathize at all with the extreme amounts of stress I was going through, which resulted in resentment. She began telling me that I was just good for a paycheck and that I wasn’t “present” for her. On top of this, our oldest son developed a chronic life-changing medical condition, which he struggles with to this day on a daily basis. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The stress grew to be so much that I began using chemicals to help me cope with these problems and was forced to enter a chemical dependency program last fall. I’ve been in recovery now for a little over a year and am proud to be back at work full-time with less than a year left in my surgical residency. As far as the company is concerned, it is doing very well but I have a staff the runs the operations and am only peripherally involved at this point. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Here’s where things get interesting…About a year ago, my wife started spending significant amounts of time on the internet, mostly facebooking. She started being very secretive with her phone and I could tell something was different about her. She told me there was a guy from high school who she had become very emotionally attached to on facebook and they had begun texting. She expressed the exciting feelings she felt for him and tried to meet him during a trip but he would not meet her. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]When she returned, I declared to her that I really loved her and didn’t want to lose her. I have had infidelity issues in the past (mostly acting out from resent toward her and addiction) and have made an amends to her for these. For the past eight months, I have made a lot of great changes for the better. I stopped working so much and became involved with the house. I help her cook, love to take trips and family outings and have just really tried to be present for her. She stopped talking to the guy for a while but has resumed on several occasions. We went to counseling together (3 counselors, all of whom I found and set up) and the third wouldn’t even counsel us. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I tend to be the one that always tries to figure things out. My idea of "fixing" the marriage would be to pursue counseling and do all of the little annoying things the counselor asks of us. It would be to learn to understand one another and have a common goal of committment. Lets read books together. Lets keep this family together and rooted. Lets grow. Here I am and I am willing to sustain. This seems to be my approach. She doesn't enjoy talking about our relationship and has been put-off when I try to address it. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Over the past eight months, I have seen my wife turn into a different person. She is disengaged with the kids, spends money like water, stays up to wee hours, sleeps in half the day, and is always in front of the computer or her phone. She has a group of three girlfriends who she treats wonderfully, but she has said that something has changed in her and she doesn’t feel any intimacy with me. I feel second-class in our home and have been unhappy for a while now. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This past weekend we took a trip together and had a great time. During the trip I noticed that she was still having facebook posts from this guy and I asked her again (as I have one million times) to please block him but she will not. She says she wants no relationship with him and that they are simply friends. I said that I could tolerate this as long as she agreed not to communicate with him and she agreed. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Two nights ago I found a message she sent to him on the computer that was sexually taunting and very flirtatious. I confronted her about it and she sheepishly grinned and didn’t have much of a response. I have noticed that when they interact, she is usually the one that initiates the conversation and ends with statements like "going to the mall, lets talk later tonight."[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The same thing happened about a month ago when I found out. I left for a few days and she made a huge 180 turn-around and said she still loved me and he wasn’t important. She treated me incredibly well for a few days and then things went back to where they were. All I have asked her to do is to stop talking to him for a period of time while we are living together and trying to work things out. She won’t and emphasizes she should be able to have “friends.” I just cannot live in the house this way… knowing she is emotionally attached to someone else and have decided to leave. I have done this before for a few days but never make it over a week without us reconnecting. We have a STRONG physical bond and have always had a great sex life, which makes it even more difficult. We get extremely attracted to each other when we are apart for a few days. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]This time I have left again. It’s been one day. I am hurting badly and am very confused. All of my friends/family are telling me to move out for a while but it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I still love her but any attempt on my part at this point seems futile. I would like for us to be able to reconcile but am starting to realize that this is out of my hands. I have to be stronger this time and really set some strong boundaries with her physically. I know that checking her computer, etc. is NOT the way to go but I feel compules, at times, to know the truth and to understand what is going on. On Monday I tried hard to keep distance and let her do her thing. When I got home from work at 5 PM she was on the computer. She remained there until the kids asked to be tucked into bed and then she asked me if I could do this. Eventually, the anger built up and I addressed with her how upset I was that she was on the computer for so long and not doing her job as "mom." When I see the things she writes to this guy, I get enraged and have been doing things like kicking the fridge (hurt my foot) and threw a water bottle against the wall. I would never hurt her, but still, this isn't how I want to act. I can tell she has a connection with him and this is what bothers me most. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I admit that part of my hurt is pride and ego and feeling rejected. There is also some residual guilt on my part from the past and things I have done over the years (which I have made amends for). I am a different person these days and have been very humbled by my life and time in recovery. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]If you have made it this far in my story, you are a very patient person and I thank you for taking the time to read. Your advice/input is appreciated. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[iheartboobs]

Moved my response to the thread you don't need a decoder ring to decipher...

Edited October 29, 2010 by iheartboobs