[ needed] Question of values on virginity and casual s-x

[calmclass]

I think the biggest thing preventing me from having sex and enjoying healthy sexual relationships is the values I was brought up with. There's a mental barrier whenever I start escalating sexually with a girl that prevents me from going further. I can just push through the mental barrier, but I'd rather resolve it. So I'm here to get your advice.

 

These might be such "basic" questions for you lol, because I'm new to some things, but am willing to learn. Treat me as if I'm your younger brother. Also, unless you are experienced in relationships/game/sex, or have thought this through these issues a lot, please don't reply to my thread, thank you, I just don't want the blind leading the blind lol.

 

Here are the issues:

1. I am a virgin (meaning no penetration lol). Some people say that virginity is sacred, that it should be given only to someone special, in a deeply committed relationship etc. My parents were very conservative and didn't have sex until marriage, but they're okay with me doing it (though not approving lol). They hope it's with someone I know is safe and who I love though. But I don't see a big reason for abstinence, it just seems ideological, if I use protection, which I always will, and choose girls who aren't too trashy I should be fine right? I mean obv I get horny like everyone else lol. What's the scoop on virginity?

 

2. Stigma-- I don't want people to be calling me a player, or "that guy who sleeps around". In the community I live in at least, that is a negative reputation. I don't want that reputation in the short term because I think it will make it harder for me to attract the type of girls I like. And also in the long-term when I am looking for someone to marry, I want someone who is very grounded, classy, sensible, smart, etc. I don't know if those types of girls will want to marry a guy who has slept with many women. What's the deal with that? (A side note: Maybe this isn't an issue and many women will think it is okay if I have had sex with only a few different women?)

 

3. The problem of casual sex-- I definitely do not want to hurt anyone, and I definitely definitely don't want to hurt the girl I am interested in. So I think it might not be fair if I'm only interested in having sex with her once, a very shallow attraction at the physical level, and she is expecting me to be attracted to her own self or is looking for a relationship, and let down by those expectations. What should I do about this? How can I communicate my expectations and resolve it with hers?

 

Thanks everyone, this is what I hope the first step on basics to get me on the road for healthy and fun relationships with women. You are amazing for helping me. Again, thanks!

[denise_xo]

Welcome to LS

 

As you say, it's a question of values, and peoples' values differ. You'll get all sorts of opinions here on the issues you raise and you just have to figure out yourself what applies to you.

 

I think there's nothing more potentially beautiful and intensely intimate than making love to someone who's really special for you. It's a divine gift. There should be no guilt associated with that, IMO, as long as it is based on honesty. IME, that kind of intimacy can also occur during casual sex, but depending on how that situation of casual sex came about in the first place there can be emotional stress surrounding it which might divert attention away from the positive aspects. There is a higher danger of someone being hurt and one partner wanting more while the other one doesn't etc. You minimise this somewhat by a) being honest about your intentions, and b) not having sex with someone who you know has serious feelings for you when that's not reciprocated. So as to your point 3, communicate clearly and move on if expectations don't match.

 

As to stigma, you have to set some healthy boundaries in terms of the extent that you want certain sections (whichever they are) of a society to define who you are. Many women will be fine with someone with a sexual history and some won't. At my age the point is somewhat mute, but it's never been an issue to me how many women a man has slept with, it's much more interesting how he talks about it and whether he has a reflective attitude to his experiences in that area.

[carhill]

1. Find a young lady who matches up with your desires and enjoys mutual attraction and just let it happen. That's really all there is to it.

 

2. People generally do not speak of their sex lives. Ladies and gentleman certainly don't. Again, find the right young lady. Intimacy will be between the two of you only.

 

3. If you can't talk about sex, you should not be having sex. If you and your young lady can talk openly and honestly, this should be a positive experience for both of you. If open and honest communication is not possible, do not proceed. Include talk about contraception and STD-prevention. Your community parent thanks you in advance

[iheartsuki]

Hi Calmclass,

 

1) This is my take on it as well. As long as you are emotionally mature enough, responsible, and no one gets (too) hurt by it (hurt feelings are inevitable in life, especially in romantic relationships, but every effort should still be made to keep that from happening, imo), then I don't see anything wrong with entering into a healthy sex life.

 

2) As a female, I don't have any problem with a guy who has a sexual history as long as his history shows him to be mature and respectful of women. My advice is to be discriminating in who you hop into the sack with. I think the only reason a high "number" is a turn off for a "respectable lady" is because it conveys that a guy may not have total respect for women (he will sleep with anything that moves) or that he doesn't really have specific standards...so what is so special about her? It also could convey that he may be prone to cheating or may not truly be the "commitment type" (even if he is).

 

Otherwise, I think most women will be understanding of a reasonable sex life that preexists them and, even if he does have more of a history than that, most women ultimately care about how you treat them in the present. Not what you did in the past. And some women just don't even want to hear about any of it!

 

3) My best advice I can give is to not lead someone on. If you show interest in her and pursue her for a lengthy period of time before having sex with her....it will likely send the message that you are pursuing more than a sexual relationship with her. If you sleep with a girl shortly after meeting her and keep your interactions very casual, this may prevent her from expecting more from the relationship. It is always best to be upfront and honest, though. It's ok to be direct and let someone know you aren't ready for a committed relationship before you get hot and heavy, especially if you have sex multiple times with the same person. In that case, they especially need to understand that you are not interested in anything more than that at that time.

 

Hope this helps. Have fun and be safe!

Edited October 29, 2010 by iheartsuki