Question of values on virginity and casual s-x

[calmclass]

I think the biggest thing preventing me from having sex and enjoying healthy sexual relationships is the values I was brought up with. There's a mental barrier whenever I start escalating sexually with a girl that prevents me from going further. I can just push through the mental barrier, but I'd rather resolve it. So I'm here to get your advice.

 

These might be such "basic" questions for you lol, because I'm new to some things, but am willing to learn. Treat me as if I'm your younger brother. Also, unless you are experienced in relationships/game/sex, or have thought this through these issues a lot, please don't reply to my thread, thank you, I just don't want the blind leading the blind lol.

 

Here are the issues:

1. I am a virgin (meaning no penetration lol). Some people say that virginity is sacred, that it should be given only to someone special, in a deeply committed relationship etc. My parents were very conservative and didn't have sex until marriage, but they're okay with me doing it (though not approving lol). They hope it's with someone I know is safe and who I love though. But I don't see a big reason for abstinence, it just seems ideological, if I use protection, which I always will, and choose girls who aren't too trashy I should be fine right? I mean obv I get horny like everyone else lol. What's the scoop on virginity?

 

2. Stigma-- I don't want people to be calling me a player, or "that guy who sleeps around". In the community I live in at least, that is a negative reputation. I don't want that reputation in the short term because I think it will make it harder for me to attract the type of girls I like. And also in the long-term when I am looking for someone to marry, I want someone who is very grounded, classy, sensible, smart, etc. I don't know if those types of girls will want to marry a guy who has slept with many women. What's the deal with that? (A side note: Maybe this isn't an issue and many women will think it is okay if I have had sex with only a few different women?)

 

3. The problem of casual sex-- I definitely do not want to hurt anyone, and I definitely definitely don't want to hurt the girl I am interested in. So I think it might not be fair if I'm only interested in having sex with her once, a very shallow attraction at the physical level, and she is expecting me to be attracted to her own self or is looking for a relationship, and let down by those expectations. What should I do about this? How can I communicate my expectations and resolve it with hers?

 

Thanks everyone, this is what I hope the first step on basics to get me on the road for healthy and fun relationships with women. You are amazing for helping me. Again, thanks!

[tonyp56]

OK, have to say something here...

 

To start, even though condoms are pretty close to 100% effective against pregnancy and STDs, they are NOT 100%. You can STILL get a girl pregnant with one and you STILL can get a STD with one (they can break, they can be defective, you can use them wrong, they can come off, etc...). Just not very likely, but still greater chance than with abstinence! And just because a girl doesn't look trashy doesn't mean she can't have a STD! Just because she looks clean doesn't mean she is.

 

The best reason for "Waiting" is that you are ready when you wait, no unexpected pregnancies or worst yet, STD. If you wait, until you meet that special someone and you both are adults and have the means to support each other and a baby, then you are ready for sex. If you do it any time before then, you are asking for trouble. Not that babies are horrible, but it is a LOT of responsibility. It is no longer about you or girlfriend, it is about the baby. Morals or values should play no part here in my opinion. It is about a means more than it is about being right or wrong.

 

"Casual sex" to many means sleeping around. Be it with one or many partners. Of course, everyone differs here, but sleeping around can get you a lot of trouble. First problem STD's. The more people you sleep with, the more your chances grow that you will catch something and the more people your partner sleeps with before you, the greater the chance she might have something. So it is better to keep yourself in check. Always be safe and use your head.

 

Also, we all know people (at least I do) that have 4 or 5 kids from anywhere from 2-5 different women or 3 kids from 2 or 3 men. Do you know what child support is? Do you want to pay for a bunch of kids to several women? The more you sleep around the greater the chance you have of getting more than one woman pregnant and having several kids. If you aren't ready mentally, financially, and/or maturity, then you don't need to be sleeping around.

 

Finally the stigma. Well, all that said, people who sleep around shouldn't receive any stigma. If a woman or man sleep with many partners, they are taking a risk, but that is it. They are no less moral than anyone else who doesn't do that. So in my opinion, you shouldn't worry about this one.

 

The thing you should ask yourself, if you are thinking about sleeping with someone is, "If I get her pregnant would I want to be married to her? And if I didn't, would I be able to live with her having OUR baby and me paying child support?" Either way, YOU have to be stable and be able to afford a baby. They are expensive, and they require a great deal of support from their parents. If you can't do that, then you need to wait.