Needing Space?

[Bunny202]

Hey everyone, i'm new here and need some advice.

 

Here's the deal:

 

-Known him for almost 3 years, been with him for about a year and a half.

 

-I'm in the Northeast, he lives in the South. Texas to be exact.

 

-In the beginning, he used to be very romantic and loving. I couldn't ask for a more loving man, but lately it's all gone downhill. He is very cold and distant with me now.

 

-I confronted him about it, he says his feelings for me haven't changed but that he thinks we spend too much time together. That's funny coming from someone in a LDR. We only see eachother a few times a year. But basically he's bored and thinks we need time apart to miss eachother.

 

-We are either on the webcam or talking on the phone constantly. First thing in the morning, whenever we have a break at work or school and then at night, we're on the phone for at least 6 or 7 hours EVERY single night, so in a way I can understand where he's coming from.

 

-Like I said, I'm trying to be understanding, but it's difficult. I already don't see him and now he wants some space. He told me that other things in his life like school and work are more important than him putting all his effort into a relationship and that he thinks I need to be worrying more about other things as well. He thinks we should only speak every other day now basically. Soon I bet he'll be saying we should talk just once a week and then not at all! I don't know what his motivations are really. I understand school is important, it is for me too, and he is really trying to get into this medical program so he says he 's spending all his time studying, but I don't know if I even believe that's entirely true. I've asked him if there was someone else, he says no, but who really know's? I asked him if he still loves me and wants this relationship, he said yes. I just feel like there might be more to it than he's telling me.

 

-Here's the thing though, we just got MARRIED this fall, so that makes everything more difficult. If he had a problem, he should have told me then. He was the one that wanted to get married so soon, not me. I turned him down at least 3 times when he asked me to marry him, he's the one that wanted the marriage to happen now, yet now he's asking for space.

 

-I do plan on moving out to be with him once I finish school in the next year most likely, but i'm not seeing how our relationship can survive if we give eachother more space. We hardly see eachother as it is, how can this be good?

 

-What should I do? I'm trying to give him his space, but it is REALLY hard for me. It's killing me actually. I really do love him and I'm so attached to him, but I realized I made the mistake in relying on him for my happiness. He is jealous and gets mad when I got out too often, so I haven't been really been going out socially at all really, but that was a mistake I see now. I know the most logical thing to do is to let him have his space and live my life and let him live his, but how can this relationship survive like this? I don't see much good coming of this.

Edited October 30, 2010 by Bunny202

[TMichaels]

Huh?

 

I was ready to say that I side with your SO -- the two of you do spend a significant amount of time staying in touch especially since you're both trying to juggle work and school -- so I can understand why he wants to cut back a bit to every other day or so.

 

HOWEVER, then you dropped the bomb that the two of you are married. Say what?!

 

Just how did the two of you envision you'd work out being married, going to school and working being half a country away from each other? Did you even discuss or think of that?

 

Wow.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Bunny202]

I thought we did think it over, but apparently we didn't talk about it enough. We've been discussing marriage since last year and he's been asking me to marry him seriously since the end of last year. The thing is that I will be finished with school soon, this is my last semester so I was thinking after I was done, I could continue to save up and then move with him next year. That was the plan, but with his need for space now, I don't even know what's going to happen.

 

Being married does make it all more complicated. His attitude really sucks lately and I'm not feeling good about the relationship right now, but I feel like I can't just give up so soon. I don't want to become another divorce statistic, so i'm gonna try to make it work, but I feel kind of stuck right now.

 

*sigh*

 

I really should have given this more thought.

[Grobyc]

Hey everyone, i'm new here and need some advice.

 

Here's the deal:

 

-Known him for almost 3 years, been with him for about a year and a half.

 

-I'm in the Northeast, he lives in the South. Texas to be exact.

 

-In the beginning, he used to be very romantic and loving. I couldn't ask for a more loving man, but lately it's all gone downhill. He is very cold and distant with me now.

 

-I confronted him about it, he says his feelings for me haven't changed but that he thinks we spend too much time together. That's funny coming from someone in a LDR. We only see eachother a few times a year. But basically he's bored and thinks we need time apart to miss eachother.

 

-We are either on the webcam or talking on the phone constantly. First thing in the morning, whenever we have a break at work or school and then at night, we're on the phone for at least 6 or 7 hours EVERY single night, so in a way I can understand where he's coming from.

 

-Like I said, I'm trying to be understanding, but it's difficult. I already don't see him and now he wants some space. He told me that other things in his life like school and work are more important than him putting all his effort into a relationship and that he thinks I need to be worrying more about other things as well. He thinks we should only speak every other day now basically. Soon I bet he'll be saying we should talk just once a week and then not at all! I don't know what his motivations are really. I understand school is important, it is for me too, and he is really trying to get into this medical program so he says he 's spending all his time studying, but I don't know if I even believe that's entirely true. I've asked him if there was someone else, he says no, but who really know's? I asked him if he still loves me and wants this relationship, he said yes. I just feel like there might be more to it than he's telling me.

 

-Here's the thing though, we just got MARRIED this fall, so that makes everything more difficult. If he had a problem, he should have told me then. He was the one that wanted to get married so soon, not me. I turned him down at least 3 times when he asked me to marry him, he's the one that wanted the marriage to happen now, yet now he's asking for space.

 

-I do plan on moving out to be with him once I finish school in the next year most likely, but i'm not seeing how our relationship can survive if we give eachother more space. We hardly see eachother as it is, how can this be good?

 

-What should I do? I'm trying to give him his space, but it is REALLY hard for me. It's killing me actually. I really do love him and I'm so attached to him, but I realized I made the mistake in relying on him for my happiness. He is jealous and gets mad when I got out too often, so I haven't been really been going out socially at all really, but that was a mistake I see now. I know the most logical thing to do is to let him have his space and live my life and let him live his, but how can this relationship survive like this? I don't see much good coming of this.

 

6 or 7 hours a night on the phone? Holy ****. That right there tells me that needs to be cut down to maybe an hour. Yeah he's your husband and all, but he does need his space.

 

Speaking from experience as a guy, you will lose him if you don't give him more space.

 

My first LDR from like 3 years ago, I broke up with her because I wasn't getting my space. Her friends bitched at me because I was "ignoring her" When I told her I was going to write some music, or play a game or go out with friends.

 

You really need to work on just letting go a bit. Find ways to keep your self busy. That's how I do it. Although I'm always busy with something.

 

Don't cut off contact. Just limit it a bit, is what I would do. See how that works and if anything changes.

 

Goold luck.

Edited October 30, 2010 by Grobyc

[folieadeux]

Things happened backwards here and now you’re both trying to figure out what you needed to do prior to even contemplating marriage. Since you both live in the same country, plans needed to be made previous to the union in regards to closing the distance. I can’t fathom how it’s possible to live two completely separate lives, yet be married at the same time. The only resolution I see is, when you do speak, you both need to see what you want to do in regards to your future and living under the same roof. The communication issue is secondary here, in my opinion.

[Bunny202]

The everyone for the advice

 

I have decided to give him his space for now. There's nothing else I can do. Getting upset and acting needy is only making things worse. I need to focus on myself more anyway and seeing family and friends more often instead of obsessing over this relationship 24/7. As far as the living situation goes, the plan all along has been for me to move out there when i'm finished with school. If everything works out and things go well between us, I will move out there next year.

[Els]

-What should I do? I'm trying to give him his space, but it is REALLY hard for me. It's killing me actually. I really do love him and I'm so attached to him, but I realized I made the mistake in relying on him for my happiness. He is jealous and gets mad when I got out too often, so I haven't been really been going out socially at all really, but that was a mistake I see now. I know the most logical thing to do is to let him have his space and live my life and let him live his, but how can this relationship survive like this? I don't see much good coming of this.

 

I think that, besides the marriage part which is over and done with, this is the most troubling part of your story. He feels stifled by the extreme amount of contact... but he gets jealous and mad when you go out? What then does he expect you to do on the nights when you don't talk (as per his request)? How will you be able to live your life as you are now planning to, when he is going to get mad at you for going out?