How bad can the end of a long first love scar you?

[sigh]

im afraid ill never forget my first love...it was 3.5 yr relationship full of love, laughter, sex, anger, fights and lastly cheat (from his side)...but i know i can never be over him no matter what

 

it has been a year since i hv broken up with him and i haven't gone out with anybody. A part of me hates him like anything because he cheated and broke away from me but till today i long for his touch and feel. I have had a very traumatizing break up and i was suicidal at one point in time.

 

Although im over my depressive episodes but i still cant get over him. Will i ever stop thinking about him? Does he think about me ? i wish i could go up to him and just hug him and cry and then sleep in his lap.

 

He just doesnt love me anymore. No use trying.

 

Is first love really that unforgettable? will it scar me for the rest of my life? im scared...i so want to forget all that..

[moimeme]

Is first love really that unforgettable?

 

No. Sometimes it takes a while to get over but you will eventually.

[Girlie]

If you keep telling yourself you can never be over him, you're likely just going to keep prolonging your misery. The fact of the matter is, with some effort, you can get over him. It can be a slow and long process, but losing the first person you have strong feelings for is not the end of the world. He's a cheat. Is that what you want out of a relationship? If he cheated on you, is he really the person you thought he was? If he's not who you thought he was, are you really in love with him or the person you thought he was? Just some things to maybe think about.

[sigh]

When i miss him, i fantasize about him. Thats crazy i know but more than that, its a delusion. how to overcome that?

[morrigan]

You are fantasizing about the good times you had with him, and idealizing the happy emotions you felt when you were with him. Didn't you feel anger, hurt, betrayal when he cheated on you? Don't love or hate him anymore, but see him as a whole person, a person you had feelings for, but someone whose actions ultimately ended the relationship.

 

Some people look on their first loves with nostalgia, some with "why the hell did I date him/her?" The best thing to remember about a first love is that even though it didn't work out, you were given an opportunity to be a caring, respectful and loving person on an intimate level.

[gaia]

Me and most of my friends are a couple of decades on from first loves. I've yet to meet anyone who never got over it.

[amazinglywow]

start dating again. you'll be more focused on the new guy, and you would want to give your attention to him and you'll think less of your ex, and get over it one day hopefully.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by sigh

Is first love really that unforgettable? will it scar me for the rest of my life? im scared...i so want to forget all that..

Yes, first love is unforgettable.

 

As is second, and final, and all in between.

 

Now on to the question of scarring.

 

Yes, it will always scar you.

 

But the word "scar" has a stigma attached to it. Don't look at it as something that disables you, rather look at it as something that contributes to the sum of emotional experiences that shape who you are as a person and a lover, and something that reminds you of a lesson you once learned, and one day (slowly) all of the pain of it will vanish, and you'll be left with an attractive reminder of the lessons learned, not the pain rekindled.

[Evanescence]

Hi

 

My first love and first EVERYTHING just broke up a month ago. We were together for 5 1/2 years (since i was 16). It started as a break, then he said "lets see other people". He is still calling it a break, but didn't call me for a month, until yesterday (but he was only returning a message i had left him). Anyway, i completely know how you feel. It's only been a month, and i know it's impossible to be "over it" by now, but I agree that I feel i will NEVER get over him, and NEVER EVER forget him. I started really planning for my future when i was 16, so ALL my dreams and goals that i had for myself include him! People tell me to start planning new things for myself, but i can't! I still want him in my life and it is SO hard to try and plan it without him.

 

I have been told by a few that you never forget your first love. Were you his first love too? If you were then he definitly still thinks of you. Not as often as you probably think about him, but he will always have those memories of you in his heart. There will always be a special place there for you in him, as well as for him in you. You can't get rid of it.

 

I have also been told that once you start to date someone else, and if things go well, your thoughts of your previous love will be overcome with your feelings for the new person. Eventually you will meet that special someone, whenever it may be, and they will treat you SO GOOD. You will start to realize how much of a prick your first love was for what he did to you. All of his flaws that you had grown to accept when you were with him will be the only things you remember about him. This new guy will treat you with love, and respect, and will do everything for you that your ex couldn't/wouldn't, and you deserve this, so don't settle for less! Some relationships just weren't meant to be forever, but they were MEANT TO BE. They were given to you as learning experiences, so take them as that. Of course you are never going to forget him. If you did, you wouldn't benefit from it as a learning experience right?

 

Of course I don't know this for sure because i'm just experiencing the beginnings of the loss of my first love, but I believe in it. It makes sense.

 

Anyway, you should definitly start dating again. You haven't let this keep you from dating right? At first it's going to be weird. You are constantly going to be comparing the new guy to your ex, but you will start to see that the new guy is so much better. It might not be the first guy you date, or even the fifth, but you should definitly get out there. Right now I'm going out there and just meeting new people and having fun. If a guy wants to take me on a date, I'll go (this bothers my ex, but TOO BAD, he's the one who said this is what he wants). I have been meeting a few really great guys, and who knows. Not looking for anything now (cuz it's only been a month!), but when I'm in your shoes a year from now, I will for sure be open to dating again. I hope you are, and you should be by now, so go do it! Get your friends to hook you up with one of their friends or something. Dip your feet in the water a bit. Don't have to jump in full swing but go ahead and try it.

 

Hope this helps

[sigh]

Evanescence, that REALLY helped...yes i think i was his first love too. He had dated a couple of girls before that but he tells me and i know that i was the only one he actually ever really loved. But Eva, how can u stop loving somebody?

i mean i believe if u can STOP loving someone, then u never really loved them in the first place. Dont u think so?

 

I know he might think of me at times but the thoughts are not strong enough for him to call me...to even say hi..he told a friend of mine that he doesnt talk to me much because he wants me to get over him. He says he broke up because it wasnt working out. But after so many years? and how can he be interested in other girls within a month of breaking up with me?

 

Im not dating yet and i dont know why. I dont know why im hung up on him. Its not actually him. I know its the fear of getting so close to somebody and then losing them. I fear the other guy will also cheat on me and i will be rendered vulnerable and hurt.

 

Also Eva, physical involvement is a HUGE issue for me. I dont know why but i easily feel like a slut although hes the only one i have been physically involved with. Being with another guy will make me feel bad about myself and i know all HIS memories will come back.

 

There will be horrible comparison and it will not be fair on the other persons part.

 

Im so hurt and scared u wouldnt believe it. Sometimes i feel i need psychotherapy. But now im well enough to function and carry on with my life.

 

But not one day passes when i dont think about him or hate him for his deeds.

 

I think its because we have a common group of friends and study in the same class.

 

We will graduate next year and become doctors and i know i will bump into him or hear of him somehow or the other for the rest of my life.

 

do u have any hope for me ?

[Evanescence]

I don't know about STOPPING loving them. My friend told me that he has stopped loving his previous loves. It took a new relationship and new love for him to do this, but he did. But everyone is different. You probably won't stop loving him, especailly if it's been a year (it has been a year right?) and you are still like this. You just have to accept that you love him, probably always will, but you can't let this stop you from getting with another guy.

 

I know what you mean about all of your issues about getting with someone else. Emotional intimacy is a very risky thing. I trusted my ex more than i ever felt i was capable of before. I feel i can never trust anyone ever again right now. But someone will come along, and we will trust them again. Just don't be suspicious of the new guy. Don't trust right away, but be open to it. And if anything happens that makes you think the new guy is cheating, don't assume anything! Unless things seem really obvious, then maybe you can bring it up to him, but its not fair to the new guy if you are constatly looking for things either. It will be hard but i know you can do it

 

Physical intimacy is a HUGE thing for me too. My ex was my first and only, and I really want to keep it that way (if he comes back anyway). I will never have that with anyone else (i was his first and only too) and i LOVED that about us. It is so hard to let go, but i've realized i have to. As far as being with someone else physically, realize that you don't have to jump into it right away. Wait until you are completely ready emotionally before you do anything. Don't let the new guy force you into anything. If he is the right one for you, he will wait until you are ready. Don't tell him why you are holding back, just tell him you don't feel ready yet (if he asks). If you tell him why, you will ruin the new relationship. This has been a big concern with me. I've never had sex, I've only "made love" (sounds cheesy i know). I only believe in making love, and i could never stand having sex with anyone. It would hurt me too much emotionally.. i'm not capable of that kind of physical intimacy without any strong emotional intimacy. But trust me, if the new guy is worth it, he will wait until you are ready, ok? If he pressures or gets upset, then tell him to screw off, he's not the one for you.

 

You found out that he was interested in other girls a month after you broke up? Well.. if he cheated on you (that's what you said he did right?).. he was interested in other girls WHILE you were dating too... so this shouldnt' be a big deal. It's only been a month since me and my ex broke up, and I'm finding myself developing a BIT of interest in some other guys, but its too soon for me so i'm not pursuing anything. My ex is troubled by the fact that it's only been a month and i'm already thinking of seeing other ppl, but his loss, too bad. When someone feels ready they feel ready, and everyone is different.

 

As far as therapy goes.. i'm seeking it right now, and it helps. Maybe you should go seek counselling. IT wouldn't hurt. I think EVERYBODY needs counselling to be honest, but its only us with earth shattering events that actually seek it.

 

Be glad that he's not calling you. HE is right (as much as i hate to say it). By not calling you, it will REALLY help you get over him. Me and a friend of mine are going through the same thing right now.. a fresh break up. My ex didn't call me for a month! A frickin month! After 5 1/2 years and i don't even get a "hi, how's it going? Is everything ok?" ??? How does that happen? Well, to be honest, I realize now (after the fact that he called me yesterday) that not talking to him helped me move on. If they call, they make you flood back to all the old memories and other things that just interrupt the healing process. My friend is going through this right now. His ex called him the other day. He was doing fine.. moving along, but now he's a mess. All because of a little phone call from her. So see it as a blessing that he's not calling.

 

You are going to be a doctor?! Well that is awesome for you (I'm actually pre-med myself). You have so much to live for and such a great future ahead of you. You should be so proud of yourself because becoming a doctor is the most physically and mentally draining thing you can do to yourself! So if you can make it through that, i have SO MUCH FAITH that you will make it through this, ok?

 

But go out, have fun, date other people. It will help.

[sigh]

Eva, im already in love with u. Hehe:)

 

You know there is a slight change now that you help me look into it. Till last year i couldnt even think about any other guy. But now i can think about other guys but ALSO him. U see what i mean? That is progress for me, considering the mess i was till last year.

 

U seem like a mirror image of me. I have also only 'made love' or maybe a little more than that but it has never been full throttle:) And i think the reason that it never was, was that i was too scared things might end and we would have to go our separate ways and i would then be emotionally shattered and thats exactly what happened. Or maybe because i come from a conservative background...

 

I agree with u saying that he was interested in other girls WHILE dating me but its so hard to believe...And after he started going out formally with another friend of mine, the picture was clearer...so i guess thats y it hurt me more..but yes i have developed immunity against it. So i can take it better when i see him with his girlfriend now.

 

About counselling Eva, i think my work helps me and u r right about the doctor thing. U know when i rotated through psychiatry last year i realized how emotionally and mentally sane i am. And there are hundreds of people with major depressive illnesses and actually have to receive ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) because they are so suicidal. Surely, my emotional burden did increase during that month but i also realized i was way better than laods of people and i had a LOT to live for.

 

 

By the way im glad too he has cut off from me because i would only taunt him to hurt him and he would get annoyed and i would feel hurt and low all over again. And my ego would be on the floor too! (Your ego is a big issue, specially after a whole year)

 

U know Eva i actually think im a lottt better than last year. But i just cant see him with his new girl. Maybe because she was my friend. Well she still is and its really their choice if they want to be together. She spends a lot of time with him, goes out to eat and to parties but says shes not interested in him that way. Although shes 3 yrs older than both of us. Oh i forgot to tell u, my ex told me a month back on msn messenger that he liked her and he wanted to tell me this so i dont keep any hopes from him...funny:) But it hurt bad:( She was my best friend and knew everything about me and him. But then, her friendship with him is independent of me.

Its pretty messed up.

Anyway im just taking care of myself these days.

 

My health suffered and with the amount of physical exertion i have, i became a walking skeleton. My grades suffered too and now im really getting my life straight.

 

He doesnt mean the same to me but i know i will always remember him. But i also know that when ill meet the right person, i will know what love actually is about.

 

Eva, thanx a lot. I appreciate u taking the time to read my posts and replying like a friend.

[Evanescence]

Good to hear that you see yourself making progress. My counsellor told me that i have to look at what I'm doing for myself to get over this and be proud of myself for doing it. And i am.

 

I don't know what i'd do if i saw my ex with someone else, especially if it was someone i knew before. It would tear me apart. One thing he said to me yesterday (when i mentioned seeing someone else, and he got upset, but then i said that i was not looking for a bf right now) he said "ya, you're too picky anyway" and i said "you're too picky too" and we had a laugh about it. At first I thought he was already seeing someone else (cuz that's what everyone says) but he's right, he's frickin picky as hell. So that means that if he does meet some other girl, it won't just be anybody, and that actually comforts me.

 

Your ex is an ass for telling you that he was interested in someone else. There is no need for that. Him doing that to you and saying "just so you don't hold your hopes for him".. he an arrogant conceited bastard for thinking that you are still doing that, especially after what he did to you. You need to show him that you are over him and you are moving on with your life! Act happy around him, make yourself look extra good! Make him eat it, a**hole.. (hehe. sorry for all the profanity)

 

I too have become a walking skeleton. I lost over 20 lbs and my grades dropped 30%. I realized this the other day when i wrote an exam and i just had a feeling that i failed it miserably. I told myself that i have worked too hard to get where i am today, and i can't let this get to me as much as i have. time to get my butt back in gear.

 

Anyway, good to hear that i helped. I'll PM you my email address if you ever need anything else.

 

Take care.

 

PS - i just realized that i can't PM you cuz you aren't registered yet. If you want my email, PM me when you get registered an i'll send it to you

[moimeme]

Being with another guy will make me feel bad about myself and i know all HIS memories will come back.

 

There will be horrible comparison and it will not be fair on the other persons part.

 

No. This won't happen. Unless you have a one-night stand. By the time you decide to have sex with a new guy, I'm assuming, you'll be doing it because you care about that guy. You'll be focused on new, wonderful guy and not longing for old guy. DO NOT get involved with someone new until your longing for old guy is gone. That would not be fair to anyone.