Talk to the female friend or stay out of it?

[LoveLace]

Funny because Star has a thread about it right now...my BF has a female friend who is also in love with him. He said over a few years now he's had to remind her many times that they will not be together, but he appreciates her as a friend and says she's a nice person. I've seen her photos and I don't feel threatened in the slightest as I can see why he doesn't find her attractive...but she looks like a little sister type. She comes and cleans his house and cooks for him, buys him things, etc, but he's never asked her to do any of it..she'll come to hang out and spring these things on him.

 

Anyway she certainly got upset to hear about me for the 1st time a few weeks ago. While with him one night, she texted that he was "blowing her off for some girl" because he wasn't answering all of her texts. And apparently she has a habit of texting him all day and around the clock. Then later he said she was okay with everything now.

 

Last night he said she's been extra "competing" with me lately by trying to do even more things for him. Again I was with him last night and she got upset that he was too busy to call her. Earlier he and I agreed to change our FB status' to "in a relationship"...LOL...so we both did at the same time. He said it's likely she had seen this already. Then she called him CRYING and saying she can't live this way and blah blah blah...he calmed her down somehow, but later she kept texting again...then finally said she was sorry, so now he says she is "okay" with everything again.

 

He's made it clear to her that he's with me, but says she gets pretty upset if he even talks about me. He seems to think if I meet her then it will make it all better...still keeps saying what a nice person she is so I guess he's hoping that we can all be friends. I'll be nice if I meet her, but the "competing" and the texting crap while I'm with him is hacking me off...always picking my time with him to decide that she is upset, then say she's sorry. Again I'm not threatened by her, especially because he keeps repeating that he doesn't want her that way at all. He was single 2 yrs. before me so I guess in all that time she thought they were "together". He said she thinks I"m "stealing" him away from her.

 

My BF said he's telling her today that they can't be friends if she can't accept me...but he also knows that her response will just be apologetic. This is going to be a viscious circle of her being jealous, then fine with it, then jealous...if it keeps going like that, what should I do? Because eventually it will annoy me tremendously!

[Arabella]

I would probably try to talk to her.

 

The way to go about it is NOT try to establish boundaries and show her who's boss. Instead, tell her you want to get to know the girl that is such a good friend to her boyfriend, then invite her to lunch and shopping or some other girly activity she might enjoy.

 

During your outing, talk to her about yourself, and ask her questions about her life. Show an interest in getting to know her and find common points of interest between the two of you. The objective is to bond with her and get her to like you and respect you. If she feels this way about you, she will naturally back off and stop feeling jealous.

 

Of course, it depends how charismatic you are, and how receptive she is... but if you can pull this off, you will gain a friend AND you won't have to worry about her anymore.

 

Arabella

Edited October 31, 2010 by Arabella

[shayan]

I pity this girl, seriously that she would do so much and stick around just for... she need's a life lesson.

 

but that's besides the point, look it may be smart to meet her. Remember you guys are in a mutual relationship now so you have some say in whether is it respectable to you to have this girl so involved in hi life. However, do not take this as an invitation to be controlling. I think so far things are going good he's making the right decision by setting boundaries witht he other girl.

[denise_xo]

Funny because Star has a thread about it right now...my BF has a female friend who is also in love with him. He said over a few years now he's had to remind her many times that they will not be together, but he appreciates her as a friend and says she's a nice person. I've seen her photos and I don't feel threatened in the slightest as I can see why he doesn't find her attractive...but she looks like a little sister type. She comes and cleans his house and cooks for him, buys him things, etc, but he's never asked her to do any of it..she'll come to hang out and spring these things on him.

 

Anyway she certainly got upset to hear about me for the 1st time a few weeks ago. While with him one night, she texted that he was "blowing her off for some girl" because he wasn't answering all of her texts. And apparently she has a habit of texting him all day and around the clock. Then later he said she was okay with everything now.

 

Last night he said she's been extra "competing" with me lately by trying to do even more things for him. Again I was with him last night and she got upset that he was too busy to call her. Earlier he and I agreed to change our FB status' to "in a relationship"...LOL...so we both did at the same time. He said it's likely she had seen this already. Then she called him CRYING and saying she can't live this way and blah blah blah...he calmed her down somehow, but later she kept texting again...then finally said she was sorry, so now he says she is "okay" with everything again.

 

He's made it clear to her that he's with me, but says she gets pretty upset if he even talks about me. He seems to think if I meet her then it will make it all better...still keeps saying what a nice person she is so I guess he's hoping that we can all be friends. I'll be nice if I meet her, but the "competing" and the texting crap while I'm with him is hacking me off...always picking my time with him to decide that she is upset, then say she's sorry. Again I'm not threatened by her, especially because he keeps repeating that he doesn't want her that way at all. He was single 2 yrs. before me so I guess in all that time she thought they were "together". He said she thinks I"m "stealing" him away from her.

 

My BF said he's telling her today that they can't be friends if she can't accept me...but he also knows that her response will just be apologetic. This is going to be a viscious circle of her being jealous, then fine with it, then jealous...if it keeps going like that, what should I do? Because eventually it will annoy me tremendously!

 

I'm one who's accepting of opposite sex friendships, but this isn't a friendship - it's a woman who is in love with your bf and wants him as her partner, and on top of that she sounds quite unstable. If I were you, I'd ask my bf to go NC with her. Deal with it via him and don't talk to her directly. Sounds like he needs to put in place some firmer boundaries - the 'she comes and cleans his flat and cooks for him but he never asked for it' line isn't very convincing. I'm not saying he encouraged it, but it shows lack of ability to set boundaries.

[shayan]

beautiful post, I concur. You may think that this girl is a threat or an annoyance, but if you befriend her you may be disarming the entire situation. I'm sorry I talk like I'm fighting a war, I just finished some application work so I'm in a super formal state.

 

I pity her, and I feel like she is so kind to him, find out why?

 

she may need your advice.

[LoveLace]

Yes I think he lets her do nice things for him because he'd feel too mean to try and stop her, even though he knows she does it with hopes of earning him. He also does nice favors for her (like fixing things) and has bought her friendly gifts. I told him these things might be misleading to her and he agreed. But he is just one of those guys who likes to help people/make people happy. Last night he expressed a lot of frustration that she makes it so difficult to just be friends.

 

Far as I know she has never said that she would like to meet nor has she said she's happy for him. But it seems important to him that I meet her because she's a good friend, so I guess I should just see it for that face value for now. I'll tell him that I'll be okay with meeting her and take it from there. I'll try to get to know her and be nice but if she doesn't respond well to it or acts like a cry baby, I guess there will be a problem and he will have to put his foot down...

 

But it seems like the longer I'm around the more emotional she's getting and the more she tries to do nice things for him...so perhaps meeting her will either make her back off or get even more difficult. Thanks!

[LoveLace]

I'm one who's accepting of opposite sex friendships, but this isn't a friendship - it's a woman who is in love with your bf and wants him as her partner, and on top of that she sounds quite unstable. If I were you, I'd ask my bf to go NC with her. Deal with it via him and don't talk to her directly. Sounds like he needs to put in place some firmer boundaries - the 'she comes and cleans his flat and cooks for him but he never asked for it' line isn't very convincing. I'm not saying he encouraged it, but it shows lack of ability to set boundaries.

 

 

He already said he isn't considering NC because of how long they have been friends; he thinks it would be too disrespectful to her. But I"m finding it disrespectful that she has to cry for his attention everytime she knows he's with me. I said, it's not cool to try and steal someone's man...he said well SHE thinks YOUR doing that...I said the difference is I'm NOT stealing anyone because he's already MINE and he was never HERS to begin with...he agreed.

[freestyle]

I disagree about being too friendly with her.........I would also be careful about giving her too much personal info when you meet her.

 

She actually sounds very manipulative to me. In a passive-aggressive--"see how nice I am, see how much I do for you....(subtext : You OWE me....) so how can you turn your back on me.........."boo-hoo".......

 

She has an agenda. It's obvious by her actions.

 

OP, she might be nice to your face when/if you meet her, but there's a good likelihood that she'll use any personal info you share with her against you.

 

She is NOT a supporter of your relationship--she's jealous.She wants your guy.

 

And her actions are very disrespectful to your bf.(AND you as well)The histrionics, and calling him when she knows he's with you..........she's trying to undermine your R.

 

Your bf is not without some blame here, either.

he knows full well that she's hung up on him, and he doesn't feel the same, but he allowed her to cater to him for two years......???? he's done her a disservice by allowing that dynamic to continue. In the long run, it would have been much kinder to keep her at arm's length, instead of feeding her false hopes.

 

Whether he intended to feed her false hope or not--his actions sent that message, by letting her continue to jump through hoops for him.

 

She was probably thinking that she was growing on him, and if she just jumped a little higher, a little faster, did just a little bit more..........He would fall for her.

 

Maybe your bf doesn't realize how much of a disservice he's doing her, you can give him the benefit of the doubt---maybe he's clueless---but if he keeps letting her do his laundry, he's just using her.

 

Maybe he could offer to fix her up with someone---that would send a very clear message about his lack of interest in her romantically.He could suggest that you all go on a double date.........

[D-Lish]

This girl is cleaning his house for him?

 

I think the bf likes the attention to be honest, and their relationship is incredibly unhealthy.

 

He says he feels sorry for her, but I think their relationship is way more complicated than that.

[redmelon]

I agree with D, he is definitely playing a role in this.

 

He seems to enjoy telling you what she is saying and doing and it may be to get your reaction more than anything. Regardless, it's all a bit twisted. You should walk from this craziness, nothing but drama ahead...

[D-Lish]

I agree with D, he is definitely playing a role in this.

 

He seems to enjoy telling you what she is saying and doing and it may be to get your reaction more than anything. Regardless, it's all a bit twisted. You should walk from this craziness, nothing but drama ahead...

 

Actually "twisted" is a great word to describe the kind of relationship they have.

 

I personally couldn't imagine dating a guy and actually putting up with a stalker he actually endorses AND encourages.

[Tayla]

Since you have yet to meet her, please don't judge a book by its cover. As you did based on her photo...She may also have some wonderful qualitys' that as a lady you can at least find common ground on. One being she is a friend of your BF.

 

Lay the cards on the table and let things flow as they may.

 

I agree that the BF is the translator and sometimes they like being in the middle for the Cat fight that might occur....

 

Here's an ironic story (and true)....My Former BF and I were together for three years...I cleaned and did the so called wifely duties without the ring.... Late in the relationship he calls to say he is out with friends...and I begin to toss out our dinner I made...HE comes home with this "Friend"...only to have him say...I better take her home...she isnt capable of driving...SHe had a wee tad to much to drink ...I said No problem I'll ride along...He hesitates yet I made no bones about the fact I was going along...Because the chickie was drunk she blurts out how nice it is that I stayed to finish cleaning his house and do his laundry...She thought I was his maid!!!!!!!! I said ..pardon? I am his girlfriend so I'm cool with doing such..She said, wow you must of been drinking then too! Because I've been his girlfriend for the past three months, here is the charm bracelet he got me for my birthday! I wont share the ending other then to say...the chick still went after him when I laid the law down...So I moved on in life ....Food for thought when you only get half the story til its too late...

[that girl]

Honestly, your boyfriend sounds selfish.

 

He knows this girl has feelings for him and sees her go out of her way for him, but he doesn't do anything about it. There are ways to stop someone from cleaning your house, but he liked having her do it so he let it continue, even though it was sending her a mixed message.

 

The a week ago she gets upset that you two are dating and rather than working that out and making it clear what the boundries are, he announces the relationship on Facebook.

 

I think the girl has issues, but your boyfriend has created this situation and it isn't because he is too nice.

 

I have a feeling that at some point in the past they at least kissed.

[Els]

This girl is cleaning his house for him?

 

I think the bf likes the attention to be honest, and their relationship is incredibly unhealthy.

 

He says he feels sorry for her, but I think their relationship is way more complicated than that.

 

I agree with this. There are plenty of ways to remain friends yet maintain boundaries. Accepting her offers to cook and clean, AND buying her gifts on top of that, is nowhere close to maintaining boundaries!

 

I honestly disagree with the posters who suggested befriending her. If she just has a crush and acting like a sane, healthy person, I would be all for it. But in this case, I really think more drastic measures are needed.

[Star Gazer]

Actually "twisted" is a great word to describe the kind of relationship they have.

 

I personally couldn't imagine dating a guy and actually putting up with a stalker he actually endorses AND encourages.

 

Totally agree, D.

[LoveLace]

Well after all that he told her they can NOT be friends if she is going to keep this up...of course she doesn't like that threat, so she responds with "I know, I'm sorry, I want to be just friends"...but we'll see how long that lasts before she gets upset about something again...and next time she calls or texts while he's with me, getting emotional for his attention, she will hear what I think about it from my own mouth, that's a guarantee.

 

He also said he will stop doing thoughtful things for her...because now he knows it's misleading and he's always done it to return her nice gestures anyway. She has convinced him that she is truly just a good and reliable pal, but when this stuff happens he gets very p*ssed off because obviously, now he feels deceived....as I guess she has too...even though he's told her for YEARS that he does NOT like her that way and never will. He's dated other women before meeting me, but I don't think he got serious enough with them for her to feel threatened. So the longer I'm around, the more threatened she feels. She told him "this changes everything!"....wah wah wah, boo hoo...

 

Not disagreeing that he has encouraged her friendship by returning nice favors and being a friend in return with knowledge of her feelings...very true that he's partially at fault. However, she's been manipulative, just as one of you pointed out, with getting upset and then saying "Oh, silly me, I didn't mean that..."....AND, he isn't the only man who has let a situation like this drag along, I've known many to do it and it's been done to ME...just can't say I went to her extreme by cleaning his house or buying presents...point being that unless the girl goes looney enough to start setting fires, the guy thinks she's harmless...when in fact don't realize she is trying to earn him as much as she can.

 

But i"m going to give her a chance to prove that she will truly calm down as she says she can. I will SUGGEST that he invites her out with us one night. We are pretty affectionate with each other, so her response to that will be a test. I KNOW that he won't hold back on that just because she's there. And in response to Freestyle, trust I had no plans to share any personal info with her, nothing beyond what profession I'm in or my family background. With that I'll be friendly but I'll be keeping my distance otherwise...IF she stays cool and stops whining for a long time, I might be able to warm up to her and become better friends with her, but somehow I think she might only get more whiny...giving me every reason to put my foot down and tell him it's time to cut her off. At that point it could be a matter of an ultimatum. I don't want it to come to that, but if she can keep her cool from now on, it won't.

 

And That Girl, it's not as though our "relationship" status was really that sudden to her. He had already told her a while back that he was really into me, and that things were going very well between us. He said this made her upset, but of course she got over it quick like she always does. However she's acted up since then, which really hacked him off, so if it continues I might not have to even tell him what I think...for everytime she pulls this, he's only going to get more angry than he was before. Until it all might escalate to any of the possible things above, I'll leave it for him to deal with. But if she pulls this even ONE more time while I"M around, she will hear from me and she will not like what I tell her...period.

[whichwayisup]

He's enabling her behaviour, I don't know if it's an ego feed, but allowing her to do nice things for him all the time and keep the friendship going, her being in his 'daily' life so much, like a girlfriend, he IS sending her mixed messages.

 

It is good he's standing up to her finally, but it isn't your place to get involved unless she directly says something to your face.

[LoveLace]

He's enabling her behaviour, I don't know if it's an ego feed, but allowing her to do nice things for him all the time and keep the friendship going, her being in his 'daily' life so much, like a girlfriend, he IS sending her mixed messages.

 

It is good he's standing up to her finally, but it isn't your place to get involved unless she directly says something to your face.

 

 

I am already involved when she picks MY time with him to decide that she is upset about him being with ME...especially when it's multiple times. That is disrespectful (more so to my BF) because it's purpose is to take attention from me to her. When I'm not around, I obviously can't be aware of daily interaction they have, so I don't care about it, but if I'm witnessing her emotional manipulation, and it's clear that the motivation is because he's with me, well that involves me weather I want it to or not. And when i've seen it make him angry, then it makes me angry for him as well. If he didn't think it was disrespectful, it wouldn't make him mad. However he only stays mad until she turns around and apologizes. The part that bugs me is that this is a repeated routine of hers. He's starting to see that now.

 

Plus by telling me about it that involves me. And he doesn't tell me because he likes the drama, he tells me because i see him getting frustrated so I'll ask him why. He doesn't normally just volunteer the info otherwise, and that's fine with me. I know that he will tell me something if it's bothering him that much. Overall, if you knew someone was repeatedly trying to earn your SO's attention and love, without considering they could be interrupting your time with him or her, I'd think you are automatically involved.

 

However I AM trying to let it stay between THEM for now, until it becomes clear that she is not going to stop anytime soon. At that point, I will not hesitate to put my foot down to both him AND her. With my BF I'll try to be as nice about it as I can, with her not so much.

[britchick]

I agree with what many have already said. If she was your BF's friend, no problem. Trouble is she isn't, she's in love with him. I had this happen in a relationship and it ended with him sleeping with his 'friend' because he was too 'nice' to say no and hurt her feelings!!!!

 

Hmmmmmmm................................

[LoveLace]

I agree with what many have already said. If she was your BF's friend, no problem. Trouble is she isn't, she's in love with him. I had this happen in a relationship and it ended with him sleeping with his 'friend' because he was too 'nice' to say no and hurt her feelings!!!!

 

Hmmmmmmm................................

 

 

If she were attractive, or even a little attractive, I'd worry about this but she is very unattractive. Which isn't only my opinion but also his. He didn't come out and just say that to me, but in so many words he politely spelled out to me that he doesn't share that desire with her what so ever...as in saying that without making himself sound like a jerk, because he does like her as a person and friend. Anyway that's why I don't feel threatened or insecure about her...the problem is that she interrupts my time with him when she decides to act like a jealous freak...