Ex cut me out of her life

[curiousnycgirl]

MTA -

 

You really should not thread jack - you should have started your own thread on this. However I will quickly respond. Yes if you do not want to get back together with your ex - you should tell her to please stop contacting you and then continue as you have been doing.

 

Good luck to you.

CNYCG

[brown03]

OK I think the part that I am most afraid of is what if I move on and start dating and doing all that only to find out later that I still really love her and want her back?

 

I'm just afraid that if I wait to long and don't atleast try something that it eventually be to late. Where as if I try and she says what she says if it's bad I can move on and start NC for good and never look back and if NC was going to work before wouldn't it work the same after?

 

I'm not begging her or anything I just wanted to ask her on a date. Because I still talk to her cousin and she say's no matter what she asks her she avoids any conversation that mention's me so obviously she still has feeling's and she says she does that to everyone.

[Fern]

Do what you need to do - but prepare yourself for the consequences of her saying no. You'll be right back to square one.

[Samantha0905]

Brown -

 

A couple of things - firstly learn to use the return key, it is your friend and will make your posts far easier to read. I found it very hard to read your earlier posts because they appear as one run on sentence and the eye keeps getting losts.

 

You do not give a lot of detail, however you ahve dropped a few clues that let me know there are enough similarities in our relationships for me to comment. However I am giving you input from the other perspective.

 

I dated my ex for 6 years, he lost his job 6 months after we met and at best gave a have hearted attempt at finding a new job. He felt he had entered the entrepreneurial phase of his life. I paid for almost everything we did together. We did not live together - so he paid for most of his own expenses, such as house, car, etc - but I covered some pretty significant suprises.

 

I had expected him to ask me to move in with him as he was paying a mortgage and I was renting, he didn't, first missed opportunity. When my lease was up, we agreed I should be building equity - he referred me to his realtor - second missed opportunity.

 

Over the years he becamse somewhat nasty and bitter to me. I stuck by him - I loved him almost unconditionally and over the years I felt worse and worse about myself. Over those same years many people both in real life and here gave me very good advice to leave him, go NC, look out for myself, and I ignored them all - I knew better. BTW the people who spoke ill of him included my family - I did not care - basically I told my family either they accepted him, or they did not have to see me, because I chose to spend my free time with him.

 

It was not until very recently - a very specific event - that I finally snapped and left him. I still love him, but something in me snapped and I no longer trust him. For me without trust, there is no relationship.

 

I am very slowly remembering what a pretty terrific person I am. I will never take him back. I gave him all I could and he took it, and destroyed it, very knowingly and intentionally. If he were to come back to me (and I do believe he will at some point) there truly is nothing he can say to make me trust him again. I am the most loyal person you could ever want to meet, but once you push me too far, I'm gone. He doesn't know that about me yet - oh but he will learn.

 

I don't know if this is true of you and your g/f - but if it is - the first thing I would tell you is stop blaming the fact that she left you on her family and on others. Take responsiblity!!!! You said it yourself in your post. You treated her badly. Man up and learn from your past. If we do not learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it.

 

I am not trying to be harsh or mean, but I am trying to give you another perspective. I may be way off here. If you doubt anything I say - there are plenty of people who can vouch for me - they've been stuck listening to my line of BS for 6 damn years.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I'm glad you're doing better. What in the world is up with the not having a job -- or even thinking it is important thing? It reeks of someone wanting to live off of someone else and also someone who is irresponsible and immature.

 

There's a new show out called "The Fairy Jobmother" -- the title made me laugh.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiE47_YKwDs

[brown03]

I'm fine with her saying no because ill know that atleast I tried but what I don't want to do is push her even further than she is now.

 

Iunno many reason because when anyone is talking about this stuff they talk about the guy paying for thing's and growing up I was always told the same thing. And my family would always be I can't believe you let her pay for thing's.

 

And when we were out and I would want to pay and she would be like no it's ok I got this and it would just make me feel bad because I felt like less of a man and that I couldn't support her.

 

Iunno why I just did and it sucks because before that everything was great and that was our only problem was arguing and most of the time I started it and that was why I felt like less of a man.

[Fern]

I'm fine with her saying no because ill know that atleast I tried but what I don't want to do is push her even further than she is now.

 

Iunno many reason because when anyone is talking about this stuff they talk about the guy paying for thing's and growing up I was always told the same thing. And my family would always be I can't believe you let her pay for thing's.

 

And when we were out and I would want to pay and she would be like no it's ok I got this and it would just make me feel bad because I felt like less of a man and that I couldn't support her.

 

Iunno why I just did and it sucks because before that everything was great and that was our only problem was arguing and most of the time I started it and that was why I felt like less of a man.

 

I supported my ex financially and it never bothered me. I always thought 'he'd do the same for me if circumstances were reversed'. But he probably wouldn't have. With hindsight, my paying for everything actually contributed to HIS problems - in that I emasculated him and make him feel like I didn't need him. It made me less attractive to him. I've learned a lesson. I'll never be that way again with a man - it does neither of you any favours.

[durkadurka]

I supported my ex financially and it never bothered me. I always thought 'he'd do the same for me if circumstances were reversed'. But he probably wouldn't have. With hindsight, my paying for everything actually contributed to HIS problems - in that I emasculated him and make him feel like I didn't need him. It made me less attractive to him. I've learned a lesson. I'll never be that way again with a man - it does neither of you any favours.

 

 

It's true, relationships really do need to be balanced. I did whatever I could to make living in my city palatable for my ex. In the end, not only was it not enough, it made me resentful to see her spinning her tires, it also made her unattractive.

 

Ultimately, I gave her the opportunity to improve herself, and I helped her get better.

 

Instead, she dumped me and started dating another guy.

[Samantha0905]

I supported my ex financially and it never bothered me. I always thought 'he'd do the same for me if circumstances were reversed'. But he probably wouldn't have. With hindsight, my paying for everything actually contributed to HIS problems - in that I emasculated him and make him feel like I didn't need him. It made me less attractive to him. I've learned a lesson. I'll never be that way again with a man - it does neither of you any favours.

 

 

It should have made him less attractive to you. HE should have learned a lesson. You didn't emasculate him. He did that to himself. He didn't honor you. Learn that lesson. You supported him financially but he probably wouldn't have supported you? Hello??!!! He felt like you didn't need him because he was not contributing? It made you less attractive to HIM? Oh my goodness. I think I'm feeling sickly. Love yourself. Learn to be loved.

Edited November 6, 2010 by Samantha0905

[brown03]

Wait.... Am I getting yelled at? Because it's not that I was contributing but the fact that I couldn't take her on a date and pay because she would always say I got this. I know I was in overdraft but sometimes girls you just have to let them pay even if its going to screw them over just because a lot of men are brought up with dads always telling them to support the women and I am like that and I couldn't take her on trips or out to dinner or buy her thing's because she would be mad I spent money.But I never ever thought that she was less attractive I always and still do think she is the most beautiful girl to me

 

She didn't care that much that she was paying for everything because she knew that I would do it if it was reversed but it was me I felt emasculated about it. We even got into an argument one day about money before we broke up and I desperately tried to argue that I have spent more than her at some point because I didn't want to think that I was a loser for that long.

 

But anyways that was the only problem with the relationship and we were amazing together but we got into arguments about this a lot. And now that I realized what it was after a break I don't know what to do to get her back.

 

The relationship was amazing and it made me so happy I loved her so much and I wanted to marry this girl but I hit a rut and screwed thing's up and now I realized what happened and I just want to try and fix it.

[pinkie]

OK... this is very interesting... First I'd like to say to Fern and Samantha0905.. Thanks for your insights, you're both spot on! (Either way you look at it).

 

Now to Brown03... No, I don't think you're being yelled at. You just refuse to hear the "truth". Plain and simple, it's over. Maybe if you just move on with your life, she'll randomly call you one day. Even then, depending on where you are in your own progress; you may have lost interest. Or... you could start over and see if you two can work things out.

 

I've been in the same dynamic and I will say that for me 1) once the arguing escalated to him standing infront of the door and attempting to take my phone or not letting me walk away from a heated situation--- that's a severe turn off. That makes a person feel trapped, like they've lost control of their life, or that they can't protect themselves. No good. 2) The not working, not contributing, not having friends, or a life of your own???? That's too much to put on anyone. Someone that you "supposedly" love. It's abusive. The fact that you let your own insecurities jeapordize everything, and now have learned from it, doesn't mean that she has not also learned from it and realized that she needed to run like hell and never look back.

 

When I finally had enough and had to kick my guy out.. (It was a long process just to get him to pack his things and actually leave). I lied to him and told him that we would work things out, we just needed a few weeks apart to figure things out. The minute he left, I changed my locks and never answered another one of his texts or phone calls. (And I loved him!!!) I don't want another relationship with ANYONE for a very long time. It takes a lot of wind out of a persons sails to support a fool. It takes a lot to get your self esteem back after being used by an idiot.

 

My advice to you is to let her be. You've been selfish and insecure and what you thought was love wasn't. Just learn from it for your next relationship. Goodluck!

[brown03]

Pinkie you hit a lot of stuff bang on that happened in my relationship even stuff that I didn't say lol. Except one thing I do Love her without a doubt and I always have and always will. And I'm confused why you don't think I do. How do you know what I feel? And if its because I blocked her that you think that it's no because I felt like **** after every argument and wished I could have went back but I was stupid and I don't have any excuses because I was wrong about it all no matter what way you look at it.

 

But No I agree all that **** was really bad but to be honest I did need to do a lot of growing up and realize the stuff I was doing was wrong. After we broke up I did a lot of thinking and everything seemed clearer and was easy to understand because I we broke up and I was comfortable with taking a bit of a break to fix myself. And at first I don't think she was lying when she said she just wanted a month apart because we talked a lot I think friends and family just changed her mind and to be honest in ways im glad because had she come back then I wouldn't have been as strong in life as I am now and wouldn't have put the time into working on myself.

 

But it sucks because now that I'm confident that I have changed and I know I have its to late to try and win her back or do anything but before I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't go after her or ask her out or anything until I worked on myself and now that I have its to late. And it sucks because if I had of done something before I might have been able to do something.

 

Also I would love to start thing's over and try and work thing's out I just don't even know how to do it seeing how you guy's want me to do NC. And only if we could it would be perfect because now we have different places and thing's would work out so much better. Also it's not that I'm not getting it it's just that I feel like I should be doing something about this and not just sitting here if a really care about her.

[brown03]

Most of all I just don't understand how there are so many people that can win girl's back after a break up and no matter how I think about it I can never figure out a way to start. How do they do it?

[curiousnycgirl]

Brown I'm not sure why you are still asking, since its clear you are not liking what we are saying and you are probably just going to do whatever you want anyway - but I'll respond anyway.

 

How do we know you don't love her? It's simple, because all you do is talk about YOU. How YOU feel, how YOU love her, how YOU screwed up, how YOU felt, how YOU changed, etc etc etc. How about how SHE feels? What SHE did? What SHE is doing now?

 

Reality is you haven't changed at all - anything you have done in this very shot time is very superficial.

 

The reason I posted my long first response on this post was to show you that I put up with ALOT with my ex. I truly loved him. It took a significant amount for him to push me to the point where I finally said enough and I cut him out of my life - as you titled your thread. And yes I have cut him out of and there is truly nothing I can envision him doing at this point that will compel me to let him back into my life. He killed my trust in him and without trust there is no relationship.

 

You missed all that because you just refuse to see the other side of the story - HER side!!!!

 

I'll say it again - you have a hell of a lot more work to do on yourself before you are ready to truly committ yourself to a true relationship. You may have made a start - and I applaud your efforts, so keep it up.

[brown03]

OK I agree with you but the reason I talk about myself is because that's all I know. During this whole break-up she hasn't said anything about how she feel's or anything that's what I mean she hasn't talked about any of those answer's I have no clue what she is thinking right now. I really do love her more than anything I know it probably seems like I talk about myself but It's only because I have no clue what's going on in her mind and I wish I did but she thinks by not talking about it she will get over it.

 

And I'm not going to just do what ever I want I actually believe in what you are saying. I am just wanting to know is NC the only thing anyone should do after a break-up? Cause eventually we will both be ready for another relationship and she is really stubborn and I know she wont give into her feeling's so if I do still love her I just want to know what I should do in the future?