Wife had sex with her best friends, then fiance, before we got married

[4motion]

So, my wife went to bed early tonight. Came out about 15min later and told me about how before her and I got married, she was drunk and had sex with her best friends fiance (now husband).

 

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. So, if my calculations are correct, this would have had to of occurred 3-4 yrs ago. My wife never told me about this before we got married, we had disclosed all other encounters.

 

I'm not sure what to think? I am shocked. This is very out of character for her, but on the other hand...maybe not? maybe I don't know her as well as I thought. She has gone to visit this couple a few times, without me (at my own will however). I am just kind of unsure what to think about all of this? It happened before we were married, and never again - but, it was her best friends fiance...who does that?

[reservoirdog1]

More importantly (in my opinion): did it happen before the two of you were in a committed relationship?

 

If it did, then it's still not a good thing (because she betrayed her best friend, who is still presumably in the dark).

 

If it happened when you and she were a couple, then that's a greater problem.

 

Can you provide more info?

[4motion]

More importantly (in my opinion): did it happen before the two of you were in a committed relationship?

 

If it did, then it's still not a good thing (because she betrayed her best friend, who is still presumably in the dark).

 

If it happened when you and she were a couple, then that's a greater problem.

 

Can you provide more info?

 

This occurred a little less than a year before her and I met or were in any relationship.

 

I typically dont care who she had been with in the before her and I...but, the fact that this was her best friends finance, and I asked her if she had sex with him before, and she told me no, really makes me wonder about this situation.

 

Thanks for any comments, I really appreciate them.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would say that it is inappropriate but at this point more shocking than anything. I would also say that pretty much every girl has a black mark on her sexual record. Unfortunate. She must have told you now because she finally felt comfortable enough to do so.

[karnak]

 

i typically dont care who she had been with in the before her and i...but, the fact that this was her best friends finance, and i asked her if she had sex with him before, and she told me no, really makes me wonder about this situation.

 

red alert!

 

Red alert!

[reservoirdog1]

If I were in your shoes, I'd feel the most bothered about her lying to you. However, I also acknowledge what dreamingoftigers said.

 

Sheesh... that's a tough one, man. How did she seem when she told you? Did she express remorse, or refer to it as a stupid mistake? Did she seem regretful or guilty? The presence of those things at least gives you a favourable insight into her character. Everybody does stupid, selfish, thoughtless things that hurt others, and that they later regret. Generally, people shouldn't be judged by those things -- they should be judged by their actions AFTER doing those things, in the cold light of day.

 

Still a crappy deal for the best friend, though...

 

If you have no other reason to be suspicious of her or to doubt her honesty in general... then I'd be inclined to let it go.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's not very nice to sleep with your best friend's fiancee ... that being said, I do agree with Dreamingoftigers. Most of us have a dark spot on our sexual records.

 

Do you and your wife have a good, open, honest relationship? Can you establish a time to talk with each other where both of you feel safe to share anything? Maybe you can get the air completely cleared of any other potential surprises.

 

Obviously she was not at ease with this event and felt that she needed to tell you, and she did. She could have kept it a secret forever. If you have a good marriage, I'd think you would not want to make her regret sharing something like this, for fear of shutting that door to open communication for the future.

 

I am not of the opinion that people need to disclose every nuance of their past to their wife or husband, but if the two of you have chosen to do that, that's your decision and I suppose she was honor bound to tell you this.

[carhill]

OP, how would you characterize your marriage? Is it healthy for *you*?

 

Also, ask your W what she learned from that experience that she can apply today. Ask her how she feels about those lessons. Build further intimacy between the two of you. What's in the past is done. Accept it. Look at the here and now and *your* M.

 

Further, once you resolve this, visit this couple with her the next time. Accept the dynamic as it is, without color of the past. This also shows her BFF and her H that you are unified as a couple. Life goes on

[4motion]

Thanks for the replies!

 

We have had a very good marriage. I have lied to her about some things on occasion, but nothing like this - and she busted me each time, as I am not a good liar...

 

It is all I can think about, getting images in my head!! Ahh! We have talked about to today, she is very upset about the whole thing. She tells me how sorry she is, how it shouldnt have happened, how she really loves me, and she needs me....I dont know what to think...

 

I want to just let it go, mainly because it was before I was ever in the picture, but it really bothers me because it was her best friends man...like, seriously?....and I had always noticed her and him were close friends, they have been friends since they were children, but I never thought anything like this would happen with them - especially because I had asked her about it...and because he and his lady had been together for quite some time.

 

I think Carhill makes a good point - Ask her what she has learned from this.

 

I am inclined to feel that I should let it go, accept the new dynamic, and not let it ruin an otherwise happy marriage...am I right? or should I be smacked silly?

[Bryanp]

Let me ask you this question: Would you ever in your life have sex with the girlfriend of your best friend behind his back who was engaged to be married with this person? My guess is that your answer is no. What does this say about a person who would engage in such behavior?

[carhill]

Assume your W has been intimate with other men in her life. Men she was attracted to. Men she probably loved. She abrogated a critical boundary when having sex with an old friend who happened to be her BFF's fiance. It was wrong and inappropriate. She appears to acknowledge this.

 

I'll tell you what. Ask her how she feels about going with you to a few MC sessions to help you work on acceptance. In an otherwise good marriage, see the process as a positive to facilitate improving the marriage as a team.

 

I offer this advice predicated upon this incident being anomalous and not part of a larger pattern of inappropriate behavior. Would you agree that this incident is an anomaly?

[Bryanp]

One more thing I would like to mention. It sounds like she has never owned up to what she has done. She apparently has never been truthful to her best friend and thus continues to make her look like a fool when she continues to visit the both of them. If she really "got it" she would have been honest with her girlfriend. The sad truth is that she continues to be deceitful to her. She refuses to be honest with her friend and herself.

[carhill]

It sounds like she has never owned up to what she has done. She apparently has never been truthful to her best friend and thus continues to make her look like a fool when she continues to visit the both of them. If she really "got it" she would have been honest with her girlfriend.

Bryan makes a good point and I think it one worthy of discussion before an MC. I for one would be mortified to socialize with my best friend with the knowledge of having boned his wife. I recall a LS'er who faced a similar circumstance (can't remember if it was wife or girlfriend) and he was able to discuss it with his best friend and IIRC they resolved things. OP, would your W being honest with her BFF help with your closure?

[carhill]

Since we're all liars, one could opine, based on that presumption, that MC and therapy in general is a fruitless pursuit. Is that why all my male friends refuse to consider MC? Interesting....

[4motion]

I do not know for certain it was a one time thing, she told me it was a one time thing - so that is what I have to believe...that said, she didnt have to tell me anything...

 

The word keep coming out of my mouth to my wife - "I think you need to tell your best friend" I dont want to ruin their relationship either, but if my wife felt compelled to tell me, I think she should tell her friend too....if it really was not a big deal, it shouldnt be a problem, right or wrong?

 

I told my wife, now she has placed me as a part of this three person lie where her best friend is clueless...which is F'd up

 

My wife told me that the reason she did not tell me the truth about it in the first place was becaused she feels embarassed that it happend...

 

It's not like she cheated on me, and it happened before we even knew of each other...but, the fact that it happend with who it happend with is what bugs me...I can totally see why she would not say anything about it...just the Who is what bugs me

 

You all are very supportive and have great incite. I truly appreciate your helping me work through this issue!

[carhill]

Also, in support of equal opportunity, I offer the following from the OP:

 

We have had a very good marriage. I have lied to her about some things on occasion, but nothing like this - and she busted me each time, as I am not a good liar...

 

Given that each of us has a unique and personal perspective on what 'value' we assign to such things as lies, our responses will similarly be unique and personal.

 

OP, I see this as a roadblock to progressing an otherwise healthy marriage. What say you? How do you want to proceed? What actions can your W take in the here and now to assuage your fears and mitigate your concerns?

 

IMO, the important thing here is to clearly communicate your feelings and clearly ask for what you want. Have you done that?

[Bryanp]

You have now become part of the conspiracy to not tell the innocent victim and continue the deceit. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know? Once your wife told you she engulfed you in her conspiracy. She needs to tell her the truth or you need to tell her the truth. To paraphrase the great Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing. The fact that now you have become part of this charade is sending a clear message to your wife that it is acceptable to not be honest in her friendships. What do you think this will lead to down the line?

[4motion]

Carhill,

I do agree with much of what you say. Great insights!

 

I do not know how I want to proceed or what actions she should take to mitigate my concerns...I guess telling her BFF would be a start, but - that is asking alot, and may cause the end of their marriage...otherwise, I am not sure what she can do to reconcile this - because at the moment, it is the only thing on my mind...and tomorrow is our Wedding Anniversary...

[4motion]

BryanP,

 

You make a really good point. I do not want he to think this is acceptable to treat friends like that - that is why I keep saying she should tell her friend - but in the same breath, I dont want to ruin their marriage, but she does deserve to know, and yes, I would want to know

 

You have now become part of the conspiracy to not tell the innocent victim and continue the deceit. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know? Once your wife told you she engulfed you in her conspiracy. She needs to tell her the truth or you need to tell her the truth. To paraphrase the great Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing. The fact that now you have become part of this charade is sending a clear message to your wife that it is acceptable to not be honest in her friendships. What do you think this will lead to down the line?

[carhill]

OK, you have an opportunity here. A choice. Tomorrow is your anniversary. Right now, in this moment, tell us what you think your choices are. This is not a right and wrong test.

 

As you can see, our MC taught me well

[4motion]

I think my choices are:

 

1) accept it and move on, while keeping it in mind...not tell her friend

2) accept it, make her tell her friend, or I tell her friend...and work through it

3) divorce

 

I'm not sure what my choices would be...those are my thoughts

[reservoirdog1]

I'm giving this a bit more thought, and my view has shifted somewhat.

 

Firstly, Bryanp raises a good point: you are now part of this "conspiracy". Your wife has put you in a horrible position. In any future discussions with her on this issue, keep that in mind and remind her of it if she starts to get pissy with you. Your belief that she's the kind of person who would never do something like that has been shattered. Who knows, you might have had second thoughts about marrying her if you'd known the truth back then. Maybe not. But now you'll never know, will you?

 

Secondly, the best friend is being humiliated on an ongoing basis every time your wife gets together with her and her husband. And she doesn't even know it. (I've been where the best friend is; when I found out about XW's cheating and which guy she'd cheated with, I thought back to the times that cockroach had been a guest in my home while it was going on. I'd been completely oblivious and remained so for several years.) And the best friend is being played for a fool by both of them -- unbeknownst to her, she's part of a situation founded on a massive secret lie, and is basing her conduct towards your wife and her own husband on that false front. And you can bet a pound to a pinch of shyt that she'd conduct herself differently towards those two if she knew the truth. Who would blame her?

 

Having said all that... I think your wife needs to come clean with her best friend, and then deal with the consequences.

 

The really fycked up part is that, if your wife DOES come clean with her best friend, and their friendship ends or is badly damaged, your wife will probably blame you partly for having a hand in its destruction. Probably by playing the "everything was fine, you were the one who insisted she be told" card. Be prepared for that.

 

Christ, what a horrible situation. Dude, you have my sympathy. This is truly a dilemma in the classic sense of the word.

 

Cheaters (and their other men/other women) NEVER stop to consider, in advance, the potential consequences of their crummy actions on the people who stand to get hurt by them. Grrrrrr.

[carhill]

The OP's wife has admitted to a past action, not directly involving the OP, prior to when they knew each other. Since she is open about that action, it, and the ramifications on their M, can be explored within MC based on that positive disclosure, and including that his W was originally deceptive about it.

 

If she has more revelations to make, she does. If she wishes to be deceptive and attempt to manipulate the process, she can. The really cool thing about having a good MC is that one finds clarity in these processes. Eyes are opened. Reality is accepted. This reality may build their marriage up or tear it down. The result is unknown.

 

OP, right now, do you feel that your wife respects and validates your feelings on this matter? IOW, she accepts that this concerns you and sympathizes with your concern? To me, this is a sign of effort at unity. OTOH, do you feel like she paints a picture of your concerns being outlandish, out of proportion and unreasonable and that the real problem is you? If so, this is attendant to a phenomena known on LS as 'gaslighting', deflecting the real issues by obsfucating them with your unreasonable concern, paranoia, mistrust, etc.

 

OK, here's a question. Right now, can you really see yourself divorcing your wife over something which she admitted happening before you met? Do you really think they've been having an affair all these years and she's now starting to come clean about it? Think about that.

 

BTW, my personal answer would be to base my feelings about my anniversary in the here and now and table the past. Build on the great positives of the marriage for that anniversary and use those positives as an impetus to resolve this issue *after*. Feelings, positive and negative, are great motivators.

 

Be aware that we on LS dissect things into minute bits and scrutinize those bits to death. Take away from this process what you find meaningful. If you find truth in the bits, then you do. If not, not. As a disclaimer, my divorce was final ten days ago. I'm a MM, having had an EA during my M with a friend who was an old, if unrequited, love of mine. That's my story in a couple sentences. It's your marriage. I wish you well

[4motion]

I have talked to my wife again...

 

I pretty much told her I dont think this was a one time thing and she needs to tell me...she tells me this was a one time big mistake...

 

I tell her that she needs to tell her friend, or I will...and she says she doesnt see the purpose...it will just ruin their marriage...

 

I told her she needs to tell her friends husband that I know and either they say somethign or I will...

 

I guess the ball is in their court.

 

I dont like feelling like I dont know all the details, the whole thing is very weird to me - the fact that she told me was very much out of nowhere...she says it just popped in her head because she is under alot of stress - that doesnt make much sense...there has to be some other reason..something...It just doesnt add up...and her hesitation to tell her friend, I can understand -

 

Am I wrong for feeling that if she is not willing to tell her friend and strongly opposes me saying anything, that something is not right with the situation or there is more to the story?

 

I dont want to break up her BFFs marriage either, but, if it was me - I would want to know! and would not be happy being played like a fool by people I should trust

[reservoirdog1]

I dont want to break up her BFFs marriage either, but, if it was me - I would want to know! and would not be happy being played like a fool by people I should trust

Exactly. I would want to know as well. And you WON'T have broken up her BFF's marriage. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of believing that the messenger deserves to be shot. You're not the one the BFF's husband cheated with.