Wife had sex with her best friends, then fiance, before we got married

[carhill]

'The timing of this revelation confuses me and I'm unclear why it has happened now. Given our relationship with your BFF and her H, my fear is there is more to this story. I fear that it will impact our marriage in a negative way'

 

'If it were me, I'd feel compelled to tell my best friend of my poor and inappropriate choice and take my lumps. How do you feel about that?'

 

OP, do you see the difference here?

 

Do you think that sharing your feelings on this matter, as opposed to merely telling her what you want *her* to do, makes you seem or appear weak and impotent? Does entertaining the thought of approaching it that way cause you to *feel* weak and/or impotent?

 

You can share your feelings and still maintain healthy and firm boundaries. I presume you know precisely where those boundaries are.

 

One potential: 'Since I feel so strongly about disclosure and transparency, I have a real fear for the future of our marriage if you choose to continue in silence'.

 

Change/add/delete as you feel appropriate.

 

OP, question: If she were to discontinue her friendship with this lady and have no further contact with either of them, how would you feel?

[4motion]

I did not set a time table when I told her she and her BFF's husband need to tell the BFF or I will...I was trying to prompt her to gather the balls to do it...I dont really want to deliver that news, but, as many of you have said - the BFF deserves to know, if it breaks up their marriage is their ordeal - I have my own ordeal that I am dealing with because of all this drama...

 

I think that if I knew that she would never see him again, I would be okay with that. But, the fact remains she didn't tell me about it when I asked her initially

 

I dont know what to do...In the end, I think her friend should know. but, I just dont know where that puts me and my wife...Yes, it happened before we were married, but it still really bothers me she would do that to her BFF

[Untouchable_Fire]

I typically dont care who she had been with in the before her and I...but, the fact that this was her best friends finance, and I asked her if she had sex with him before, and she told me no, really makes me wonder about this situation.

 

Was there anything in particular that made you ask about this guy?

 

I want to just let it go, mainly because it was before I was ever in the picture, but it really bothers me because it was her best friends man...like, seriously?....and I had always noticed her and him were close friends, they have been friends since they were children, but I never thought anything like this would happen with them - especially because I had asked her about it...and because he and his lady had been together for quite some time

 

Ok... so how much time does he currently spend with your wife?

 

The reason I ask is that I just can't seem to wrap my head around this sudden confession. Why? Why tell you now? Something has changed.

 

Her behavior before telling you also tends to indicate a ridiculously high level of guilt.

 

I do not know for certain it was a one time thing, she told me it was a one time thing - so that is what I have to believe...that said, she didnt have to tell me anything...

 

Correct... she didn't have to tell you anything. Nor is it her job to tell the friend... it's HIS job to do that. Sticky situation.

 

Now... since she didn't have to tell you... Why did she? And why now?

[Dexter Morgan]

So, my wife went to bed early tonight. Came out about 15min later and told me about how before her and I got married, she was drunk and had sex with her best friends fiance (now husband).

 

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. So, if my calculations are correct, this would have had to of occurred 3-4 yrs ago. My wife never told me about this before we got married, we had disclosed all other encounters.

 

well, too bad this friend of hers, who could use a better friend, doesn't know about her husband and your wife.

 

question is, if this was 1 to 2 years before you got married, where you dating at that time?

 

I'm not sure what to think? I am shocked. This is very out of character for her, but on the other hand...maybe not?

 

I go with maybe not. Alcohol tend to bring out the true person. she wanted to do what she did, just didn't have the boobs to do it while sober.

 

 

maybe I don't know her as well as I thought. She has gone to visit this couple a few times, without me (at my own will however).[/qutoe]

 

how can she even look her "friend" in the face? And now that she told you, I'd say she is not to go over there without you again. She f####d that up.

 

If I were you, I'd ask her point blank, "what is the point of going to see a friend you screwed over, and a guy you have had sex with?"

 

 

I am just kind of unsure what to think about all of this? It happened before we were married, and never again - but, it was her best friends fiance...who does that?

 

again, before you were married, but if your timeline is correct, either she cheated on you while you were dating, or you met her and QUICKLY decided to marry her.

[4motion]

The three of them have been friends since childhood...they are from a small town

[carhill]

So, OP, what do you have planned to celebrate your anniversary tomorrow?

[karnak]

 

 

I dont like feelling like I dont know all the details, the whole thing is very weird to me - the fact that she told me was very much out of nowhere...she says it just popped in her head because she is under alot of stress - that doesnt make much sense...there has to be some other reason..something...It just doesnt add up...and her hesitation to tell her friend, I can understand -

 

Am I wrong for feeling that if she is not willing to tell her friend and strongly opposes me saying anything, that something is not right with the situation or there is more to the story?

 

 

I get the feeling that your gut is "telling" you something.

[MichiganMan222]

I'm inclined to think that the fact that she told him about it guarantees there is nothing going on now.

 

I also think there's nothing terribly sinister about her keeping this from OP all this time; she's ashamed of this. This also leads me to believe it really WAS a one time thing.

 

And I think it's perfectly normal and natural to not want to be responsible for destroying a marriage that may otherwise be perfectly fine.

 

That said, I would never allow her to come in contact with that guy again. Difficult considering its her BFFs husband, but that's her problem. Sorry, I'm a zero-contact-with-anyone-you-had-sex-with kinda guy*.

 

*-unless children are involved

[Dexter Morgan]

The three of them have been friends since childhood...they are from a small town

 

i hope you aren't saying this so as to give her the excuse that she should be allowed to keep seeing them without disrespecting you in the process?

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm inclined to think that the fact that she told him about it guarantees there is nothing going on now.

 

what perplexes me is that his wife thinks she can tell him this, and still think its ok to go visit this guy. Sorry, there should now be no contact of any kind between the two of them unless OP is a doormat.

 

 

I also think there's nothing terribly sinister about her keeping this from OP all this time; she's ashamed of this. This also leads me to believe it really WAS a one time thing.

 

lets say she should be given the benefit of the doubt based on it being a one time thing......she still shouldn't be going to see this guy. And I am of the opinion that OP and his wife were dating at the time this happened based on the timeframe he posted.

 

 

 

That said, I would never allow her to come in contact with that guy again. Difficult considering its her BFFs husband, but that's her problem. Sorry, I'm a zero-contact-with-anyone-you-had-sex-with kinda guy*.

 

 

I agree, at least the kind of contact where she spends time with the other person.

 

I have no problem with being friends with men other women have had sex with if committed to me, and it was on a hello and goodbye basis....but if a woman thinks that she should be able to visit or spend time alone with a guy(or any guy for that matter) alone......sorry, I aint interested.

[road]

The OMW deserves the truth and must be told.