Was doing so good...now he has broken nc at 18 days

[KarmasTestDummy]

Sorry I haven't been around much. Was doing really well. Living life, not thinking about him, going to ic and looking around to see what else is out there. But alas, he broke his promise to respect my wishes and not contact me ever again. 18 days down the drain. Well not hardly. I didn't take the bait like he would have hoped. I was casual but cold. I brushed off his "I miss you" and his excuses. I reminded him that he made his choice, which was quickly followed by denial that her chose her over me, which I called him out on with his own words.

It surprisingly went okay. I didn't cave or get pitiful and wishy washy. The hardest was hearing him say he drives by my house during the day almost every day just hoping and praying I might be home and he can catch a glimpse of me...which he knows better because I work during the day. But it hurts to know he thinks about me that much and hasn't made any effort in letting go.

[jthorne]

It seems he's broken most of his promises to you, so it's not surprising that he broke this one too. Looks like he made it just past the 2-week mark I mentioned previously.

 

NC is YOUR decision, NOT his. So when he contacts you again, and you know he will, you are not obligated to respond to the contact. The only obligation you have is to yourself.

 

I'm curious what you were expecting by answering his call?

[Owl]

This is exactly why I always push for ACTIVE measures to remove the other person from your life. Block his number, change yours, etc...

 

Because intevitably someone caves in and breaks NC.

[desertIslandCactus]

Its Extremely disrespectful for him to break nc and be scratching on your door without breaking his permanent ties. He has nothing to offer you.

 

Good for you for not throwing him a bone. He is not a homeless dog .. just looking for desert..

[Fieldsofgold]

Sorry I haven't been around much. Was doing really well. Living life, not thinking about him, going to ic and looking around to see what else is out there. But alas, he broke his promise to respect my wishes and not contact me ever again. 18 days down the drain. Well not hardly. I didn't take the bait like he would have hoped. I was casual but cold. I brushed off his "I miss you" and his excuses. I reminded him that he made his choice, which was quickly followed by denial that her chose her over me, which I called him out on with his own words.

It surprisingly went okay. I didn't cave or get pitiful and wishy washy. The hardest was hearing him say he drives by my house during the day almost every day just hoping and praying I might be home and he can catch a glimpse of me...

 

which he knows better because I work during the day.

 

But it hurts to know he thinks about me that much and hasn't made any effort in letting go.

 

the bolded: #1 - he could tell you anything, and you wouldn't know if it was true or not, because, as he knows - you're at work all day! Maybe he drives by, but maybe he's just telling you that.

 

the bolded #2 - has he ever been known to lie to you, in order to manipulate you? YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS! Why would you believe ANYTHING he says?

 

Please DO NOT talk to this man at all. He deserves NO validation, consolation, or even contact with you. Do not answer his calls, do not answer his e-mails or texts. Run from any possibilty of contact with him. As was already said, as long as he can get a response from you, he will contact you more and more, and that increases your risk of getting sucked right back in. Go to your counselor and learn why you would tolerate or humor a man who has treated you as he has.

 

BE STRONG, because I broke my toe, and it will be painful if I have to kick your butt. ((((((hugs)))))

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately, now he knows you'll take his call..Next time and there WILL be a next time, ignore him. Owl is right, you need to take active measures to cut him out of your life, make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

HE is going through withdrawal, hoping he'll 'see' you, get a glimpse of you. Notice it's all about HIM, has nothing to do with you.

 

Don't answer the phone when he calls again. Silence is the key here. For you to go on with your life and heal.

[Silly_Girl]

Karma, why do you say 'WAS doing so good'? When I looked at the title I was worried for you that YOU'D been on the blower to him, not the other way around.

 

You're cool. You're doing fine. Keep on keeping on. Nothing's changed. You're a strong, independent, dynamic woman who's shaping her own life.

 

He could phone a million times a day, it need not be of any interest to you. You are the centre of your world now, he can do whatever the hell he likes with his.

 

Sending you a high-five!

[fooled once]

It seems he's broken most of his promises to you, so it's not surprising that he broke this one too. Looks like he made it just past the 2-week mark I mentioned previously.

 

NC is YOUR decision, NOT his. So when he contacts you again, and you know he will, you are not obligated to respond to the contact. The only obligation you have is to yourself.

 

I'm curious what you were expecting by answering his call?

 

This is exactly why I always push for ACTIVE measures to remove the other person from your life. Block his number, change yours, etc...

 

Because intevitably someone caves in and breaks NC.

 

Great posts from jthorne and owl.

 

And like Silly said - YOU are doing good. YOU didn't break NC.

 

You need to be firmer though (hug). DO NOT answer his calls. If he calls again - and you answer - you need to be firm - DO NOT CALL ME and then hang up.

 

Baby steps hon...baby steps and stop beating yourself up!

[jj33]

Karma you are doing great. As FO said stop beating yourself up. You didnt call him. Its natural that you took the call and in some ways its not a bad thing. Its rare that people ignore the first call so you arent alone there.

 

The good news is you did yourself proud on the call.

 

And you know now that you really dont want to speak to him because he has nothing of interest to say to you.

 

So when you have those tough NC moments, you can remember the call and what a clown he still is.

 

And next time he calls, you can ignore it because life is short and you dont have time for clowns like him. He saved you the pain of oh I need to hear his voice, no you really dont. You heard it and it left you cold and reminded you why you are better of without him.

[KarmasTestDummy]

No no I'm not doing good. I've allowed him to text me most of the day and accepted a lunch invite. I kissed him goodbye. I've let my heart open for yearning for him again. This is a disaster, but a ride I don't want to stop just yet. How are these men such a damn narcotic!?!?!?

[BB07]

No no I'm not doing good. I've allowed him to text me most of the day and accepted a lunch invite. I kissed him goodbye. I've let my heart open for yearning for him again. This is a disaster, but a ride I don't want to stop just yet. How are these men such a damn narcotic!?!?!?

 

 

Do you expect anything to be any different? If not why waste your time and your love?

 

You can get back off the train wreck anytime KTD.......don't forget that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is going to sound pretty bad, but he really doesn't have to make any real effort. He can say whatever he wants whether it is true or not, and there you are... right back where you started: you in agony, he staying firmly married.

 

I know you don't want to give him up, but think about this very carefully: what exactly has he done of any real substance to make sure you stay in his life? He lets you go when you walk away, and he takes advantage of you when you don't.

 

At some point you are no longer a victim to your heartbreak so much as a volunteer for it. Your pain stops when you stop.

[jj33]

Karma they are a narcotic because we want to believe that they didnt mean things to go the way they did.

 

The good times are so good that you want to believe that OF COURSE he wants the same happy ending you do and of course since he has the power to make it so, he will use that power to make things right.

 

And some devil little voice inside you is saying these people (us on LS etc) dont know what we shared, my situation will be different.

 

that same voice is saying but if I dont go and hear him out (or pick up the phone or whatever) then I wont know if anything has changed. I will miss my chance for a happy ending with him.

 

Problem is its a massage parlour happy ending and you are giving it to him.

 

If youve been texting all day, you KNOW he is still with her and nothing has changed.

 

Think hard. What is your end game? What do you want?

 

If what you want is to be his mistress then go to lunch.

 

If what you want is to have a relationship with him single, then tell him no and not to contact you until he has sorted his life out and has more to offer you.

 

YOU hold the power. Dont let your insecurities lead you down that same old path unless what you had is what you REALLY want.

 

Big hugs

[Owl]

It's like dealing with any other addiction.

 

Recognize you screwed up yesterday. Admit it, face it...and use it to make today and going forward a better day.

 

So...what are you going to do about yesterday?

 

How are you going to fix this situation? Remove him from your life...remove his avenues of approach, and make him not WANT to come back after you again?

 

That's going to be the only way you're going to succeed at this.

[desertIslandCactus]

It happens when you have finally had enough. When you know that you must have more for yourself... and you Know who you Are.

 

It is natural that a woman with all her Maternal instincts will wish to take in a homeless child. .. it's in her genes ..

 

It is also natural that a man may wish to juggle two women - two lives .. nothing self sacrificing about that ..

[Star_Bright]

Oh my, Karma, I see he is still up to his old tricks of being a sleazeball. Fishing to see if you're still there for him. And you took the bait! Oh my. I hope you find the strength to nip this in the bud before it's back on in full bloom again. Be strong and wise Karma!

[whichwayisup]

No no I'm not doing good. I've allowed him to text me most of the day and accepted a lunch invite. I kissed him goodbye. I've let my heart open for yearning for him again. This is a disaster, but a ride I don't want to stop just yet. How are these men such a damn narcotic!?!?!?

 

I'm sad to read this. You've just invited the pain back into your life willingly. And please don't put this all on him, he tested you, and you fell for it.

 

I hope somehow you gain the strength I KNOW YOU HAVE deep down and end it once and for all. Get into therapy and work on you. He now knows he's back in total control over you and can push your buttons to suit him best. You DO know he doesn't have your best interest at heart.

 

Or, continue to stay on the rollercoaster until you let him ruin you all over again.

 

The choice is yours.. Sorry to be harsh, I just hate that it was 'THAT' easy for him to contact you and how quickly you caved. I worry he's going to do you in and break your heart. Atleast please try not to let yourself get SO attached again. Shield your heart.

[Silly_Girl]

*dislike*

 

This is bad, bad, bad. You're not a puppet. He can't pull your strings. He has nothing more to offer you than you've already had, and that sure wasn't anything close to a Happy Ever After.

 

...which, by the way, you'll NEVER find if you're constantly looking the other way.

 

C'mon Karma!!!!

[Ellin]

If what you want is to be his mistress then go to lunch.

 

If what you want is to have a relationship with him single, then tell him no and not to contact you until he has sorted his life out and has more to offer you.

 

YOU hold the power. Dont let your insecurities lead you down that same old path unless what you had is what you REALLY want.

 

Big hugs

 

You meant if what KTD wants is a R with a single man, then she shouldn't let him contact her unless he's sorted himself out.

 

Because KTD taking this course of action doesn't mean she'll end up with this particular man.

[jj33]

You meant if what KTD wants is a R with a single man, then she shouldn't let him contact her unless he's sorted himself out.

 

Because KTD taking this course of action doesn't mean she'll end up with this particular man.

 

 

?? Of course it doesnt. My point was she needs to figure out what she wants because letting him back in her life at this point is not going to get her anything different than what she had before

[fooled once]

No no I'm not doing good. I've allowed him to text me most of the day and accepted a lunch invite. I kissed him goodbye. I've let my heart open for yearning for him again. This is a disaster, but a ride I don't want to stop just yet. How are these men such a damn narcotic!?!?!?

 

:(

 

Oh Karma.

 

WHY are you allowing this? WHY? Do you think anything different is going to happen?

 

This is going to sound pretty bad, but he really doesn't have to make any real effort. He can say whatever he wants whether it is true or not, and there you are... right back where you started: you in agony, he staying firmly married.

 

I know you don't want to give him up, but think about this very carefully: what exactly has he done of any real substance to make sure you stay in his life? He lets you go when you walk away, and he takes advantage of you when you don't.

 

At some point you are no longer a victim to your heartbreak so much as a volunteer for it. Your pain stops when you stop.

 

I agree!

 

I completely agree. You are now not a victim. You are actively choosing to participate in all this. He is feeding you more of the same old, same old.

 

And when his wife finds out, what do you think is going to happen? She may come after YOU this time .. and your kids will see what is going on and that is so unfair to them.

 

 

 

This is key. Any advice given to her is kind of moot at this point. Karma is not ready to get off the carousel. Personally, I don't know what anyone could see in such a blatant LIAR, but such is life.

 

Totally agree.

 

 

I'm sad to read this. You've just invited the pain back into your life willingly. And please don't put this all on him, he tested you, and you fell for it.

 

I hope somehow you gain the strength I KNOW YOU HAVE deep down and end it once and for all. Get into therapy and work on you. He now knows he's back in total control over you and can push your buttons to suit him best. You DO know he doesn't have your best interest at heart.

 

Or, continue to stay on the rollercoaster until you let him ruin you all over again.

 

The choice is yours.. Sorry to be harsh, I just hate that it was 'THAT' easy for him to contact you and how quickly you caved. I worry he's going to do you in and break your heart. Atleast please try not to let yourself get SO attached again. Shield your heart.

 

 

Yep - she is willingly making the choice.

[jj33]

You meant if what KTD wants is a R with a single man, then she shouldn't let him contact her unless he's sorted himself out.

 

Because KTD taking this course of action doesn't mean she'll end up with this particular man.

 

And to add I dont know why she would want THIS man at all single or married, but she is not ready to hear that right now.

 

Karma hang in there. As Owl said its like any other addition, or like eating a hot fudge sundae when you are on a diet. You just get back on track and learn from the mistake.

 

If you are diabetic and you eat cotton candy, you arent doing yourself any favors. Same with this guy.

[sc58]

Karma...we should have been NC buddies...I broke NC as well over a week ago and now we're back to the way the things were before. I'm so happy when we're together, but the fact is, he's still married. He SAYS that he's gonna file for divorce after the holidays, so I've decided to just wait and see what happens. He seems so positive, more sure than he was before. He said he was so close to losing me and he's going to make sure that never happens again.

 

I think that we just want to believe they're sincere and they're going to follow through on their promises so we just hold on to that hope. Kind of like what jj33 said in of her posts:

 

The good times are so good that you want to believe that OF COURSE he wants the same happy ending you do and of course since he has the power to make it so, he will use that power to make things right.

 

And some devil little voice inside you is saying these people (us on LS etc) dont know what we shared, my situation will be different.

 

that same voice is saying but if I dont go and hear him out (or pick up the phone or whatever) then I wont know if anything has changed. I will miss my chance for a happy ending with him.

 

That is exactly how I feel. That I'll miss my chance for a happy ending with him if I don't wait...Anyways, hopefully you'll be stronger than me and you won't get sucked back into the A. Wishing you luck!

[GreenEyedLady]

I think that everyone who has been an OW has broken NC and went back to the A.

 

So don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Just decide what you want. And realize that it might not get any better than it is now. Maybe it will, but maybe it won't.

 

Can you enjoy what you have as long as you have it?

 

That's for you to answer, not anyone else who posts on this forum.

 

GEL

[Tinkerbell1]

Karma, I agree with GEL, the good news here is that you are fully aware what and who you are getting. Beating yourself up wont help you do what is best for you. Just stay aware and take him for what he is. Do your best not to believe anoything he says and just enjoy time together. Stay focused in the present. You will go NC again when you can and we will be here to help, no judgment.

Hugs and take care of you!

 

Tink