BB07 Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Do your best not to believe anoything he says and just enjoy time together. Tink :confused:And how can you love and respect someone that you can't believe anything they say? Isn't that dysfunction at one of the higher levels? I think KTD wants more than that from him and she'll figure it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 I'll be honest...I haven't gathered anymore strength thus far, but I have gone in fully aware and no delusions. Eyes wide open is a little nice. I Enjoy the time we talk and spend together. I don't know how to turn my back on my own pleasures and desire. Ultimately I know it's not enough, and there's not enough trust there anymore to pursue a future...but I'm just here trying to be honest with you guys and let you know I had the setback so I'm not too ashamed to continue here for support. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritgirl Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 :confused:And how can you love and respect someone that you can't believe anything they say? Isn't that dysfunction at one of the higher levels? I think KTD wants more than that from him and she'll figure it all out. True BB, but I think that Karma totally knows she "shouldnt" be seeing MM but she just doesnt feel strong enough to stop again YET. I think Tink was just trying to say dont beat yourself up and if you're going to see him anyway, try to make the most of it. You are so right that you need to trust someone in order to have a good relationship however when we are in love, we often listen to the heart rather than the head, and I for one, can totally understand that. I also understand and can see that the posters here really care for you Karma and they want whats best for you! Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 One cheater being disrespectful to another cheater. How remarkable. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I'll be honest...I haven't gathered anymore strength thus far, but I have gone in fully aware and no delusions. Eyes wide open is a little nice. I Enjoy the time we talk and spend together. I don't know how to turn my back on my own pleasures and desire. Ultimately I know it's not enough, and there's not enough trust there anymore to pursue a future...but I'm just here trying to be honest with you guys and let you know I had the setback so I'm not too ashamed to continue here for support. The benefits outweigh the consequences. You've done the calculation. Now enjoy, with eyes wide open. Sounds good to me. :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I think that everyone who has been an OW has broken NC and went back to the A. So don't beat yourself up over it. Just decide what you want. And realize that it might not get any better than it is now. Maybe it will, but maybe it won't. Can you enjoy what you have as long as you have it? That's for you to answer, not anyone else who posts on this forum. GEL So true. You are the only one enjoying the benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 The benefits outweigh the consequences. You've done the calculation. Now enjoy, with eyes wide open. Sounds good to me. :bunny: I don't know how you or anybody else here can encourage her to enjoy when the train is going to run her over.. Again. She hasn't done the calculation, she hasn't taken time to think about this at all. She's let her emotions and heart rule over her mind and gut instinct. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Karma, you deserve better. I know you know this but still fall back somehow. Are you in counseling? I've had one session, basically the intake session ha ha, and it's already helped me tremendously. I feel so empowered. I don't want to live my life embroiled in MM's drama, or knowing it's not real love. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 KTD, if you know in your heart that all you'll get is some momentary pleasure, go ahead and take it, but PLEASE don't close yourself off from other possibilities on the hope - and a hope is all it is - that this leopard will EVER change his spots. YOU deserve more than to be someone's part timer. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I am all about doing what you want as long as you arent fooling yourself...so, if you feel the affair satisfies you and you have no further fantasies or expectations ok. But KTD this relationship has already hurt you , caused you pain and grief because it is less than you want. I guess you can decide to accept less than you really want...but remember that doesnt change what you really want. Its just another way to justify to yourself that you are accepting what you think you deserve. Which isnt much. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I don't know how to turn my back on my own pleasures and desire.Neither do heroin addicts, if you get my drift. I don't know how you or anybody else here can encourage her to enjoy when the train is going to run her over.. Again. She hasn't done the calculation, she hasn't taken time to think about this at all. She's let her emotions and heart rule over her mind and gut instinct.Frustrating isn't it? I think it's irresponsible and heartless to encourage her to ultimately hurt herself. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I don't know how you or anybody else here can encourage her to enjoy when the train is going to run her over.. Again. She hasn't done the calculation, she hasn't taken time to think about this at all. She's let her emotions and heart rule over her mind and gut instinct. I don't know how you or anybody else here can encourage her to give up what she is not ready to give up. There is nothing beneficial to be gained from going NC before one is ready for it. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I think it's irresponsible and heartless to encourage her to ultimately hurt herself. I agree, which is why I never recommend NC to someone who is not ready to end a relationship forever. It would just cause unnecessary pain. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sometimes even if one thinks they aren't ready for NC, they should do it anyway. It's like ripping off a Band Aid. It hurts less in the long run if you just get it over with quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I don't know how you or anybody else here can encourage her to give up what she is not ready to give up. There is nothing beneficial to be gained from going NC before one is ready for it. The A is going NOWHERE and this guy isn't leaving his wife. That is the bottomline. It's a vicious circle, a very unhealthy situation for her, yet sadly she is far from walking away from the drama, the addictiveness of the affair. This is NOT love, at all. MY 2 cents on this situation. You are right though, NC won't work unless the person is ready for it. It's just a shame because the NC was working until he contacted her and she caved, gave in. She was atleast off that rollercoaster ride of emotions for nearly 20 days.. JJ, I am not going to encourage ANYBODY to continue to engage in something that does alot damage to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I don't know how you or anybody else here can encourage her to give up what she is not ready to give up. There is nothing beneficial to be gained from going NC before one is ready for it... ...except for strength, self-respect, new inner wisdom. What you posted doesn't make sense to me Jennie-Jennie because as far as I know it seems *no one* is ever ready to go NC. You have to make yourself do it. I sure wasn't ready, and didn't want to, but I knew I needed to. I feel based on knowing her from her posts that Karma is in the same spot. She doesn't want to be with this loser MM, she knows he's not good for her, she knows she deserves better, yet she goes back to him anyway. That's why I encourage her to look deep within and go to counseling so she can figure out why she stays stuck in a situation she knows isn't good for her. So she can get ready to go NC or just do it anyway and stick with it until she's healed and she no longer feels this pull to this unhealthy relationship. And him lying to her, lying to his wife, and giving her scraps is an unhealthy relationship no matter which way anyone looks at it. But until she's willing to face it and do whatever it takes to get out of it, you're right, there's nothing any of us can do. But I'm not going to tell her to enjoy this unhealthy relationship because I don't see how that's good, let alone realistic, advice. She clearly is not enjoying it... Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sometimes even if one thinks they aren't ready for NC, they should do it anyway. It's like ripping off a Band Aid. It hurts less in the long run if you just get it over with quickly. Yes, this is what I was trying to say. You need a prod in that direction because it's the only one that's going to heal you long-term. (Not you Jennie-Jennie but Karma, the old Star_Bright , and other OWs in this situation they know is not good for them.) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I agree, which is why I never recommend NC to someone who is not ready to end a relationship forever. It would just cause unnecessary pain. So, you are saying NC is more damaging, brings more pain to her than being back in the affair with the MM???? Atleast she was starting to heal, starting to feel better, starting to enjoy life again, put herself first. Now she's back to where she was, emotions all over the place. Eyes wide open means nothing, she's still going to get hurt worse than if she just stayed in NC mode. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 She clearly is not enjoying it...Obviously. She has made that clear in numerous posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sometimes even if one thinks they aren't ready for NC, they should do it anyway. It's like ripping off a Band Aid. It hurts less in the long run if you just get it over with quickly. This argument doesn't work for me. I thought the mantra being pushed here was 'you know cheating is wrong so ignore your feelings and DON'T DO IT'. If someone knows deep down NC will not WORK for them, they shouldn't do it. It's incredibly painful... Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sometimes even if one thinks they aren't ready for NC, they should do it anyway. It's like ripping off a Band Aid. It hurts less in the long run if you just get it over with quickly. NC increases the bond to the MM if it is done prematurely. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 ...except for strength, self-respect, new inner wisdom. What you posted doesn't make sense to me Jennie-Jennie because as far as I know it seems *no one* is ever ready to go NC. You have to make yourself do it. I sure wasn't ready, and didn't want to, but I knew I needed to. I feel based on knowing her from her posts that Karma is in the same spot. She doesn't want to be with this loser MM, she knows he's not good for her, she knows she deserves better, yet she goes back to him anyway. That's why I encourage her to look deep within and go to counseling so she can figure out why she stays stuck in a situation she knows isn't good for her. So she can get ready to go NC or just do it anyway and stick with it until she's healed and she no longer feels this pull to this unhealthy relationship. And him lying to her, lying to his wife, and giving her scraps is an unhealthy relationship no matter which way anyone looks at it. But until she's willing to face it and do whatever it takes to get out of it, you're right, there's nothing any of us can do. But I'm not going to tell her to enjoy this unhealthy relationship because I don't see how that's good, let alone realistic, advice. She clearly is not enjoying it... When you're done with a man, you know, there is no looking back. Until then, no use going NC. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 So, you are saying NC is more damaging, brings more pain to her than being back in the affair with the MM???? Atleast she was starting to heal, starting to feel better, starting to enjoy life again, put herself first. Now she's back to where she was, emotions all over the place. Eyes wide open means nothing, she's still going to get hurt worse than if she just stayed in NC mode. See my response to Donna two posts up. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 NC increases the bond to the MM if it is done prematurely.Oh, please. If this were really true, OW would be using NC at the drop of the hat to "bond" their MM's to them. You can't have it both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Oh, please. If this were really true, OW would be using NC at the drop of the hat to "bond" their MM's to them. You can't have it both ways. Not the bond of the MM to the OW, but the other way around. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? The feeling of devastation and loss and of missing them. If the ties aren't fully ready to be cut it can just heighten the feelings all the more, actually delaying the overall breaking-up process. Link to post Share on other sites
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