Dating after divorce

[2.50 a gallon]

I am a man so my views are different. Also I am a friendly type, will talk to strangers, in the past especially attractive ladies. So I had little problem finding dates. Nothing serious, just go out and have a good time. Also, I always lived in a singles tlype apartments, and would meet lots of partners there.

 

Where I have met women I dated, naturally bars, places to dance, work, library, introduced by friends, parties, stores, shopping, parks. In most cases I wasn't looking, just letting things happen.

 

But the best relationships have come when I met somebody when I least expected it.

 

Have you considered volunteer work. I know of a couple who met while out picking up rattlesnakes, they had voluntered to a herbatological (sp) group that picked up the vipers. The firemen would be called, and they in turn would come out and rescue the snake. Needless to say the both had a thing for snakes, and romance bloomed.

 

Also know of a couple who met while rescuing cats and dogs.

 

A lady I know, in order to keep busy after her H passed, got busy with the local botonical gardens, met and is now traveling the world chasing down plants with her BF of ten years.

[2.50 a gallon]

I don't know how to explain it other than it happens.

 

There is a lot we do not and probably never will understand in this world. But having lived over 60 years and hearing the stories of how lovers meet and having some first hand experiences myself, I truly beleive that somehow nature brings us together.

 

The example in another post of the couple meeting when they bumped grocery carts, comes to mind. I see it as nature saw that they were ready, and found away to introduce them.

 

I know of a couple, he worked down town, and for some odd reason, did not park in his normal space and chose a space around the block. The first and only time he did this. He had taken no more than a dozen steps when he heard a young lady cussing in a lady like way with a southern drawl. Some fast flying car had just splashed her and she was on the way to a job interview. She didn't get the job, so probably never would have been in that area again, but she did gain a H, mothered 5.

 

My story, was about 28, had a great life, with lots of friends, and dating, when one day, while driving home, the thought passed my mind, why haven't I found someone special. Why can't I meet someone to love.

 

A week later, I went into the sporting goods store, that was just across the street from where I was driving when I had that thought. And there she stood. Even before I knew her name, I knew she was special. And the odd thing was, that that day was her one year anniversary of working at that store. They had a crew of less than 10 sales people, and I had been a regular customer of that store for over a year, and knew all of the other sales people, but had never laid eyes on her until that day.

 

We almost made it, I was the one who did not know how to take care of a loving relationship and she eventually left, and I can't blame her. But I did get to learn about love.

 

The best relationships seem to just happen when you least expect it and there is no way one can go looking for such a happening.

Edited November 4, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[willowthewisp]

I believe the original topic of this thread was how to meet people and going about dating again...yes, there is a straight forward approach.....being open, and open minded, honest and direct as Steadfast states, that's a good start. Being ready for it is an even better start....we all move in our own time frames.

 

Sorry for going OT Trippi.

 

I don't know how to explain it other than it happens.

 

There is a lot we do not and probably never will understand in this world. But having lived over 60 years and hearing the stories of how lovers meet and having some first hand experiences myself, I truly beleive that somehow nature brings us together.

 

The example in another post of the couple meeting when they bumped grocery carts, comes to mind. I see it as nature saw that they were ready, and found away to introduce them.

 

I know of a couple, he worked down town, and for some odd reason, did not park in his normal space and chose a space around the block. The first and only time he did this. He had taken no more than a dozen steps when he heard a young lady cussing in a lady like way with a southern drawl. Some fast flying car had just splashed her and she was on the way to a job interview. She didn't get the job, so probably never would have been in that area again, but she did gain a H, mothered 5.

 

My story, was about 28, had a great life, with lots of friends, and dating, when one day, while driving home, the thought passed my mind, why haven't I found someone special. Why can't I meet someone to love.

 

A week later, I went into the sporting goods store, that was just across the street from where I was driving when I had that thought. And there she stood. Even before I knew her name, I knew she was special. And the odd thing was, that that day was her one year anniversary of working at that store. They had a crew of less than 10 sales people, and I had been a regular customer of that store for over a year, and knew all of the other sales people, but had never laid eyes on her until that day.

 

We almost made it, I was the one who did not know how to take care of a loving relationship and she eventually left, and I can't blame her. But I did get to learn about love.

 

The best relationships seem to just happen when you least expect it and there is no way one can go looking for such a happening.

 

Gallon, if the bolded part is true then how come I haven't been looking for a while now and nothing? This seems backwards to me, surely if I want to find someone then the best idea is to get out there and look? I'm not going to find someone sat at home on a Saturday night watching a dvd and eating Chinese take out on my own am I? I don't understand the reasoning behind this? Someone at school said the same thing today as well. Please can you elaborate?

[carhill]

Other than the ten years I was married, I spent the majority of the 51 years I've been alive out in the world doing stuff, meeting people, enjoying life, being open to possibilities. I also spent a good decade 'not looking' because I, too, heard that old adage about love finding one when they're not looking for it. Had a great time, alone.

 

To me, for a man anyway, unless he is universally attractive and people come to him, he's going to have to 'look' and make some sort of a proactive effort to meet people and ask women out on dates. For an 'average' man, I just don't see the 'love finding you' path being fruitful. Well, at least it hasn't for me, and I've enough experience now to comment on it with some authority.

 

Right now, there are a number of potentials open to me, at varying levels of perceived 'interest'. None of them will happen unless I take action and 'look'. Life with the cat will go on.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not going to find someone sat at home on a Saturday night watching a dvd and eating Chinese take out on my own am I?

True. You have to put yourself in situations where it can happen. If you go to the rental shop to get your DVD and then collect the Chinese yourself, you stand a much better chance of meeting someone than if you order the DVD from Amazon and have the Chinese delivered. But don't go with the expectation of meeting someone... just go. Be sociable, friendly and smile. And don't hang around Blockbusters in a skirt shorter than most people's belts, that will attract the wrong kind!

 

Some people will say it's amazingly lucky they met their partners but really, if they are putting themselves in these situations where the luck can happen, it's just a matter of time. And yes, you have to spot the opportunities and respond to them. I can't play darts to save my life, but I'm sure I could get a bullseye if I threw enough of them. The numbers really are on your side.

 

Also remember that Murphy's law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain, doesn't work. "Not looking" as a strategy to find someone, doesn't work either. You have to genuinely become happy with yourself and your life.

[jinxie]

Hi - I just joined this forum for essentially the same reason as willow's post. I kicked my soon-to-be-ex-husband out 11 months ago after he informed me he'd been having an affair for 4 years. We had been together for almost 17 years and married for almost 14. Now that the divorce is almost final, I am ready to poke my toe into the dating pool but feel like I've forgotten how to swim. The last time I dated I was still in college - now I'm 40 with kids and still living in my ex's hometown. I'm feeling a little lost.

 

So I appreciate all the advice y'all have been bestowing upon willow. I have signed up with one online dating site, but I think I'll be trying some of the other options mentioned here.

 

And willow - I just wanted you to know that you're not the only gal in this boat

[willowthewisp]

I guess it doesn't help that I am surronded by twenty somethings that are all hooking up constantly, just serves to point out the fact that I am single with no hope of meeting anyone because quite simply they aren't around me (ones my age that is).

 

I am a very sociable person, I chat to people all the time at train stations, bus stops , shops etc, no one has taken any interest though. Many of them are married or taken at my age. I don't think I'm bad looking (not to sound egotistical), I'm slim and tall, not the most beautiful or hottest or anything but not bad. Well I'd like to think so anyway .

 

 

True. You have to put yourself in situations where it can happen. If you go to the rental shop to get your DVD and then collect the Chinese yourself, you stand a much better chance of meeting someone than if you order the DVD from Amazon and have the Chinese delivered. But don't go with the expectation of meeting someone... just go. Be sociable, friendly and smile. And don't hang around Blockbusters in a skirt shorter than most people's belts, that will attract the wrong kind!

 

Some people will say it's amazingly lucky they met their partners but really, if they are putting themselves in these situations where the luck can happen, it's just a matter of time. And yes, you have to spot the opportunities and respond to them. I can't play darts to save my life, but I'm sure I could get a bullseye if I threw enough of them. The numbers really are on your side.

 

Also remember that Murphy's law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain, doesn't work. "Not looking" as a strategy to find someone, doesn't work either. You have to genuinely become happy with yourself and your life.

 

Hi Pete,

 

As above quote, I do put myself in situations, I'm no retiring violet, I chat to people, I have a female friend whom I met 19 years ago on a bus! I really am putting myself out there. Maybe I'm not attractive? Perhaps that's the issue?

 

I am happy with myself but I can't be totally happy with my life because I simply do not like being single. I am not saying I will settle for anything in order to be with someone but I do want to meet a man who I can share life with.

 

Also, can anyone give me their thoughts on this? There is a guy at school, a much younger guy, 12 years to be precise, whom I have had a bit of a crush on for a while now. I thought he was being a bit flrity with me, would put his head on my shoulder when I was sat doing work with him, touch my back to get my attention, comment on how he finds older women attractive and so on.

 

Well, cut a long story short, my "friend" told him how I felt when she pulled him last week! I'm not fussed, it is just a crush, although obviously embaressed that she would tell him given the age difference.

 

He's been acting normal with me until today when he starts being all flirty again. Said the best way to find a man is stop looking, I said well it's difficult when you are a student and around younger men not really meeting anyone my own age, to which he replied "maybe you should get yourself a younger man then" and winked at me. Later he was telling me how he had gone out with older women and that it is fine for their to be an age difference. Given he knows about my crush on him, why would he do this?

 

Is he just trying to ease any percieved embarassement on my part?

 

Hi - I just joined this forum for essentially the same reason as willow's post. I kicked my soon-to-be-ex-husband out 11 months ago after he informed me he'd been having an affair for 4 years. We had been together for almost 17 years and married for almost 14. Now that the divorce is almost final, I am ready to poke my toe into the dating pool but feel like I've forgotten how to swim. The last time I dated I was still in college - now I'm 40 with kids and still living in my ex's hometown. I'm feeling a little lost.

 

So I appreciate all the advice y'all have been bestowing upon willow. I have signed up with one online dating site, but I think I'll be trying some of the other options mentioned here.

 

And willow - I just wanted you to know that you're not the only gal in this boat

 

Thanks Jinxie and welcome to LS, wish you were here under better circumstances, so sorry to hear what your H did to you.

Edited November 4, 2010 by willowthewisp
Spelling

[PegNosePete]

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, just need to give it (more) time.

 

And it sounds like your younger man also likes you a lot, he's definitely hitting on you with the winking and telling you he likes older women. But it seems he lacks the confidence to take the plunge, maybe he is scared you'll reject him or is looking for some sign that your interest in him is genuine.

 

Be careful though, younger guys who go after older women are generally not looking for a meaningful relationship... that's a gross generalization of course, he might be the exception. Good luck

[willowthewisp]

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, just need to give it (more) time.

 

And it sounds like your younger man also likes you a lot, he's definitely hitting on you with the winking and telling you he likes older women. But it seems he lacks the confidence to take the plunge, maybe he is scared you'll reject him or is looking for some sign that your interest in him is genuine.

 

Be careful though, younger guys who go after older women are generally not looking for a meaningful relationship... that's a gross generalization of course, he might be the exception. Good luck

 

I wouldn't go there after he's been with her anyway. I'm just wondering because it's been so long since I was in this dating position I am wondering if I am getting all the signals wrong?

[2.50 a gallon]

In my younger days I was a skirt chaser, I knew all of the hot spots to meet available women, I lived in a singles complex, over the years I did lots of dating, in short I was looking for love, but none of them stood out.

 

Then when I met my X fiance, I was out shopping for a new shirt, found what I was looking for took it to the register, and the clerk had her back to me as she talked on the phone. There was just something about her long dark hair and how it reflected the light that caught my eye. And for the first time in years, I felt this warmth of tenderness run through my veins, and before I even saw her face I was begining to fall for her. I just knew that she was somehow different from the women that I was dating.

 

A similar story can be told with my present GF. I had long given up on finding that someone special, in fact I was so into living by myself, and doing my research and writing, that I did not have time for a relationship. I had just moved back home the previous year, I had dated just a little, and still had the on / off GF several states over, and she was flying in for her second visit in a couple of weeks. My now GF had just taken a second job to support her kids working at a convience store. My first though was well there's a face I could kiss the rest of my life. That and the way she held her head caught my eye and I had to get to know her.

[Steadfast]

I'm pretty sure I don't want to weigh-in on the look/don't look debate. I honestly don't know. If personal experience is an indication, I think it just happens. I will say that no female has ever just thrown herself at me, but some have been so forward that it caused me to become uninterested. I'm more comfortable asking than being asked. Then again, it's flattering.

 

Willow, when my wife left I was 48 and desolate. I could not comprehend spending time with anyone besides my wife, let alone date. As I healed, it was a huge boost to discover that I could be attractive to anyone. My heart was fractured and my self-esteem shattered to bits. How could I function in that capacity? My body was there, but my soul was missing.

 

However you approach this, know that there are legions of middle age singles living life on their own. Some truly need to stay single, some are recovering, and some are ready to love again with lots of great things to share. For me, I discovered the ability to talk less and listen more, all without being too closed off. Not only are there singles, but single parent families too; dads and kids without stable moms. That was me.

 

What I'm trying to say is, you have to believe that you're capable of really doing someone some good. With that mindset in place, remember to be choosy and not give this precious gift to just anyone. Now, at this stage in life (perhaps moreso for me, at my age than you) that special person will have to earn my trust, and prove worthy of the things I have to offer. There is no lack of single people, but there is a lack of singles with integrity, honest ethic and healthy attitude. Be smart, show to others what it is you want...with actions, not words. Words are so cheap...overused.

[willowthewisp]

Thanks Steadfast.

 

Well, I took the plunge and signed up to a dating site. I've been on less than a day but already seem to have a bit of interest, from one guy in particular. He seems nice, 31 years old, local. So, I'm here and asking for the guys help! As I said before, I'm not interested in a player so how do I approach this? Wide question there? LOL

 

Any tips, pointers, what questions should I be asking or what things should I be looking for so as not to get "stung". I'm always really honest and don't play games, but I am well aware that there are many men out there that aren't (of course there are those that are) so how to tell the difference?

 

Thanks.

[carhill]

If he's local and interested and you otherwise find him within the realm of what you consider attractive, just meet with him in person. Don't waste a lot of time online.

 

Great question: 'What are you looking for in a relationship?'

 

Sounds forward and presumptuous but it's an effective divining method if you listen carefully to the response.

[willowthewisp]

If he's local and interested and you otherwise find him within the realm of what you consider attractive, just meet with him in person. Don't waste a lot of time online.

 

Great question: 'What are you looking for in a relationship?'

 

Sounds forward and presumptuous but it's an effective divining method if you listen carefully to the response.

 

Really? You think meeting quickly? He seems keen to move quite fast in that he gave me his cell number and asked if I was daring enough yet to text? He's quite filrty, not in an overly sexual way thankfully. I'm quite cautious, so asked if we could chat on IM for a while. You think otherwise though?

 

I like that question, I'll ask it tonight if I speak with him and I'll post the answer so you can help me disect it!

[carhill]

Presuming you want to date:

 

He dares you to text. OK, do so:

 

'555-1212. Call me'

 

There's thousands of people in the world who have my phone number, including a few nut cases, yet my phone rarely rings. If you want to date, communicate. Doing what I suggested above puts the ball in his court.

 

If he calls you and you find you like the conversation and feel positive, accept that. However, again if you want to date, you must necessarily move from electrons to pressing flesh. If he doesn't move to 'hey, let's get together xxx', cut an otherwise long-winded conversation short.

 

As far as 'moving fast', of course he moves fast. Most women I've known are single for like two seconds. Heck, my exW already has another man living in her house and we've been divorced two weeks. It is what it is. Men adapt to what is.

 

If you're right for each other, time won't matter. If wrong for each other, same. The only way to know is to interact. What I'm doing with you right now, though very satisfying for me, is *not* interacting. It's disconnected electrons.

 

I will say I've had this experience a number of times with folks from LS via PM and, so far, electrons never morph into real life, even though I've always been willing. There's a reason for that. It's psychological. You need to find out what, if anything, translates into real life.

 

I would say at least 90% of the women I've dated in the past 15 years I met online. I met my exW online. Universally, the key to success has been quickly moving into real life. Note, by success I don't mean dying together after 50 years of marriage. By success I mean really getting to know each other in real life and deciding if that's a good thing or not.

 

Bla, bla

[You Go Girl]

Presuming you want to date:

 

He dares you to text. OK, do so:

 

'555-1212. Call me'

 

Bla, bla

 

That's the number to what time it is, Carhill. I assume you know that. I gave it to my first H the first time we met. Should have been a warning to him perhaps, although we did last nearly 21 years, although most of them in a business-type marriage.

 

Willow, what I see in you is that your sexuality is sleeping very deeply. And when you date again, with a passionate kiss, it's going to be awoken. You aren't sending out the signals of availability because your sexuality is asleep. But that first kiss with someone (assuming it is pleasurable) is going to make you extremely vulnerable.

This younger man is definitely interested in you, and waiting for a signal back from you. He no doubt sees you as a challenge because of your lack of sexual signals. This could be a warning though, because he could see you as a potential conquest.

So when you start dating again, watch your heart. Still waters run deep type of thing. You're no acting out sex vixen. It both makes you more vulnerable when you do date, but also means that your picker will be discerning, so that should play in your favor.

I'd be wary of men who consider you a potential conquest. The last thing you need is to be played. I'd look for the more intellectual man looking for the long-term thing, unless you're ready to release a beast that I don't see in you, and perhaps you don't see in you either. Only you know though.

[carhill]

I don't know the OP's number but presume she does, so I entered a universally recognized number here in the US as an example. If she wants him to call her and ask her out on a date, she can facilitate that. Up to her

[You Go Girl]

I don't know the OP's number but presume she does, so I entered a universally recognized number here in the US as an example. If she wants him to call her and ask her out on a date, she can facilitate that. Up to her

 

Oh I wasn't implying that you were suggesting she give out the number to time..."at the tone the time will be..."

I was reminiscing that young 15 year olds such as myself back in the day did do this once! (and only once was I so naughty that way).

[LittleTiger]

Well I'm going to disagree slightly on the meeting asap. Mainly because I'm the cautious type, but also because I did the online dating thing and, in my experience, a woman needs to check the guy out pretty carefully before meeting him.

 

Not wanting to put you off because I think the internet is a wonderful tool and I met my new man online so I'd never knock it, but there are a lot of strange men out there on the dating sites.

 

Chatting on msn a few times, at least, is a good idea but I would recommend talking on the phone as soon as you can. That will usually give you a good feel as to his 'norma/safe' rating and also if there is any mental chemistry.

 

If you're in the UK you can call someone without them seeing your number. You just need to use a prefix number which I think is 141 but you might want to check that. Trust me, with internet daing, hiding your number for the first call or two is a good idea!

 

Once you know he's ok and you get along well enough to share an hour or two together, then is the time to meet up.

Edited November 6, 2010 by LittleTiger

[You Go Girl]

 

Once you know he's ok and you get along well enough to share an hour or two together, then is the time to meet up.

 

I agree, and in a well lit public place such as a restaurant.

 

And don't give out TMI beforehand. Address=NO! Phone=if unlisted, perhaps after feeling comfortable. Work place=not right away. Town=vaguely. Etc.

[trippi1432]

I would have to agree on being cautious. I don't think meeting someone online is that taboo anymore, even know a few people at my work who have met on dating sites, got married and have kids now...and they are happy.

 

Good rule of thumb, chat for a bit, talk to them on the phone, meet in a public place. If you are still uncomfortable about meeting with them for a date, make it a meet-up and bring a girlfriend with you instead of an intimate date.

 

You can usually find out a lot about a person from talking to them on the phone and within the first five minutes of meeting them to affirm if they are really like they say they are.

[carhill]

One of my first dating experiences this year, online meeting, was with a woman who was similarly cautious, blocking her phone number, using a repeater number to disguise her real phone number and being vague about personal details. I personally found the whole experience wearing. So, with no disrespect intended to anyone here, such women are incompatible for myself. I've paid enough of a price for the misdeeds of other men in my lifetime so choose to avoid any of the same in the future. Hope they find what they're looking for.

[You Go Girl]

One of my first dating experiences this year, online meeting, was with a woman who was similarly cautious, blocking her phone number, using a repeater number to disguise her real phone number and being vague about personal details. I personally found the whole experience wearing. So, with no disrespect intended to anyone here, such women are incompatible for myself. I've paid enough of a price for the misdeeds of other men in my lifetime so choose to avoid any of the same in the future. Hope they find what they're looking for.

 

I guess this reaction of women depends on how well they get to know the man before meeting him.

If there's communication for an extended period beforehand, and employment, etc., is verified, then instinctively most women know how safe the person is. I have done so in the past and felt very safe.

However some women do meet up with nut cases, just like you have a few that have your phone number.

So err on the side of caution?

[carhill]

In my case, the lady was local, worked for the city, and she knew where I lived, where my business was, and we had mutual acquaintances, mainly business-related, in common.

 

I don't know how to describe it properly, but the best way I can describe it is as 'tentative'.

 

IMO, at our age (over 50) all having divorces under our belts and knowing how the world works and how to judge people, we can manage such risks.

 

OK, OP, let's be safe. I presume you know what he looks like. Spare the flirty texts. Spare the phone number disclosures. Pick a restaurant where people know you (I usually take first/early dates to places where I know the owners, as an example) and invite him to meet you there.

 

In my case, related above, it was after an in-person date or two, where the 'secrecy' continued, that I grew weary. I saw it as low interest and disconnected.

 

Hey, the next one I'll give my exW's phone number so she can dish up all the mean dirt on me. LOL...

[willowthewisp]

Ok, so a lot of info guys but thank you!

 

YGG, I'm confused about your post to me re the younger guy? The one online is not the younger guy from school. The one online is 31 years old and he says looking for a relationship.

 

The younger one is 12 years younger than me and I'm pretty sure he's not interested and just trying to aliveate my embaressment b/c he knows I had a crush on him?

 

You are correct, I am not interested in having meaningless intimate encounters, the reason being that for me sex is emotional and it happens, for me, with someone I love only. I would not enjoy having sex with someone I do not love, b/c it is about more than a physical act for me personally. I do worry that my values will put guys off, but if a man doesn't respect me enough to want more than a quick fling with me, then he's not right for me anyway.

 

The online guy is curently mailing me (we can't get the IM to work), he's mailed me about 15 times in the last 24 hours and seems keen, but who knows? I was surprised to hear you say Carhill that men think they must move quickly. I have put on my profile that I want to take things slowly because I haven't dated in 20 years, but I can see your point now, so thanks for that.

 

It's all so confusing.