Wife went to Las Vegas then lied to me.

[Buglemn]

Two months ago my wife and 3 of her GFs went to Vegas. She did not leave me info on the Hotel or Flight. I had bought her a sexy dress for annv. and I looked in her closet and it was gone. When she got home I went in to watch her unpack and she had done it super fast exept for make up and hair stuff. She hid something in the back real quick as I walked in.

 

Later I looked in her closet and found super sexy tube dress with the one I bought her, plus several more that I had never seen before. She was hiding some slinky halter tops in the back. Felt guilty for going through her stuff. Asked her about the clothes, she said she didn't wear them, and her freind made her buy them. I thought she was lying but let her convince me it was nothing.

 

She said they went to Thunder Down Under and 2 of the Aussies went to a bar with them later. Suspicious I found more slinky clothes in her closet that I had never seen. Wrote her a heart felt letter about Commitment, Honesty, Trust and Faithfulness. She did not want to talk, but as I gave up and started to leave we sat down and talked. She assured me, that it was all in my head, and that she didn't even get drunk. She only got dolled up one night.

 

Convinced that I was being paraniod I went on. 2 weeks later, bought new computer and used her email, mine didn't work, I saw deleted email of pics that were resent to her school computer. They were pics of Vegas with her all dolled up in halter top 3" hoop earrings. I knew she lied to me then. I set her up when she got home and asked about Vegas pics and she looked me right in the face and lied to me about them. I maturely confronted her, she appologized said it was to avoid conflict and dropped it.

 

She has a picture of her and ThunderDU on one of the guys lap in a short coctail dress, and also since she has been home we have had more sex in the last 8 weeks than we have in the previous 8 months. I love my wife very much, but have lost all trust from the lies. What should I do?

[2sunny]

having firm evidence that she lies about multiple things - i'd divorce her.

 

there's no trust if she has no INTENTION of being honest. she even lies about the lies... that's enough for me to not waste my time with worry and wondering.

[GorillaTheater]

Bugle, you seem to have been pretty suspicious from the outset. Is there a reason for that? Is there some history that led you to believe that you needed to keep tabs on things, including what clothes she took with her?

[Buglemn]

When she came home she was very defensive in an arguement about not calling me and letting me know her flight number. I got suspicious when she hid a slutty halter in the back corner of her closet real quickly as I walked in the bedroom. She always hangs up everything. She was acting really out of character the first week home. I know her well, she is very beautiful and physically fit. We have been married for 22 years. She even smelled different when she walked in the door.

[GorillaTheater]

How about prior to the trip? Anything during your years of marriage that concern you regarding honesty and fidelity?

 

What I'm trying to get at here is whether her lying is a one-off or part of a pattern.

[2sunny]

of her and ThunderDU on one of the guys lap in a short coctail dress,

 

i was married 20 years and would flirt with many men through the years. i NEVER gave my then H reason to wonder if i would ever cheat... but then again - i never even CONSIDERED sitting on any man's lap except for my husband's.

 

most likely - you have also had more sex lately because her MIND is at least invested and thinking about another man. have you checked her phone and email?

 

IF she's not seeing someone - she may be emotionally communicating and tied to someone she was with in Vegas.

 

start checking. things don't add up - except they do if she's cheating.

 

when there's nothing to hide - people hide nothing.

 

she's lying and being secretive for good reason - you need to find out what's going on, especially since you KNOW she'll never give you her truth.

 

based on that alone - i would never stay. in fact, i didn't stay. once i had evidence of cheating - i ended a long term marriage based on that principal alone.

 

if there is no trust - then there is nothing to work from.

[NoneTheWiser]

buglemn

 

Buddy, I feel so sorry for you being in this position. I have a couple of questions for you, I’m sure you asked yourself these many times but…….. Since she went to Vegas with friends, would she still cheat on you with them being there? How close are you as a couple to these friends? Then, how likely are you going to be on truly finding out what happened? If she isn’t fully disclosing information and the friends will not be of any help, maybe you will never find out.

 

Maybe she and her friends went, dressed rather sluttly and flirted and nothing physical happened.

 

Anyway, I would talk with her, don’t let her ‘drop it’ until you are comfortable with what she is telling you. Communicate how this makes you feel, how here actions are hurting you. Once you have reached a point that she is finished telling what she is going to tell you, you must let it go or it will destroy you.

[Star Gazer]

i was married 20 years and would flirt with many men through the years. i NEVER gave my then H reason to wonder if i would ever cheat... but then again - i never even CONSIDERED sitting on any man's lap except for my husband's.

 

You are being incredibly harsh and judgmental. I have sat on and taken pictures with ThunderDU dudes. My BF was the one taking the pictures! They're ENTERTAINERS!

 

And of course she's going to hide her clothes. Look at the rush to judgment he's making about what she took to Vegas and bought there. Hello, you don't dress like you do back home when in Vegas. No woman does.

 

You both need to be REALISTIC about the situation.

[2sunny]

How about prior to the trip? Anything during your years of marriage that concern you regarding honesty and fidelity?

 

What I'm trying to get at here is whether her lying is a one-off or part of a pattern.

 

what difference would it make? she lies! she even lies about the lies!

 

once - or many times... her behavior shows she's has plenty she doesn't want him to know. THAT is not loving behavior.

 

since she can't be trusted - what's the point? to make her MORE comfortable so she can continue on being rewarded for her bad behavior? where's the consequence for her behavior?

 

she will just do it again since she knows he might be willing to overlook it all.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Two months ago my wife and 3 of her GFs went to Vegas. She did not leave me info on the Hotel or Flight.

 

That to me makes no sense at all..... How does that happen? I won't even go into detail about all the other red Flags...... Geez and the one thing you have gotten out of this is way more sex.... You'll have to decide if it is worth it....

[2sunny]

You are being incredibly harsh and judgmental. I have sat on and taken pictures with ThunderDU dudes. My BF was the one taking the pictures! They're ENTERTAINERS!

 

And of course she's going to hide her clothes. Look at the rush to judgment he's making about what she took to Vegas and bought there. Hello, you don't dress like you do back home when in Vegas. No woman does.

 

You both need to be REALISTIC about the situation.

 

judgmental? nope. she has shown evidence that she will lie. what is judgmental about having solid evidence that a woman lies? why would anyone try to make THAT ok?

[Buglemn]

I've never had any reason to doubt her, and have always completely trusted her. I truly do not believe she had sexual intercourse, but there are many other ways to be unfaithful. Her friends are good people, one just got a new husband, cheated on the old one, one is slutty liar, the other is her best friend and been married longer than us, but she is very fat.

[GorillaTheater]

what difference would it make? she lies! she even lies about the lies!

 

once - or many times... her behavior shows she's has plenty she doesn't want him to know. THAT is not loving behavior.

 

since she can't be trusted - what's the point? to make her MORE comfortable so she can continue on being rewarded for her bad behavior? where's the consequence for her behavior?

 

she will just do it again since she knows he might be willing to overlook it all.

 

It makes a difference because 22 years is alot to throw away. You could do it after 20 but, based on only what we've been provided by the OP, I wouldn't rush to a decision after 28 years.

 

She lied, that's established. Did she cheat? I'm not leaning that way at this point. Yes, the lying needs to be addressed, and pronto. But kicking her to the curb, after 22 years which the OP seems to indicate were pretty good, is premature in my opinion.

 

Bugle, you need to address this with your wife. Let her know that you know she lied. You need to find out why, and let her know what your boundaries are regarding lying and what the consequences will be, up to and including divorce. But I think you need to try to work through it before you pull the trigger.

[Star Gazer]

judgmental? nope. she has shown evidence that she will lie. what is judgmental about having solid evidence that a woman lies? why would anyone try to make THAT ok?

 

She lied about what she wore, clearly to avoid a conflict. You're BOTH making a mountain out of a molehill. That he even CARES what his wife is wearing in Vegas screams controlling. I'm not saying it's okay to lie, but here it seems patently obvious why she lied, and it's not because she's untrustworthy or up to no good. OP even said himself that he's never had reason not to trust her. And now he doesn't trust her, over a Vegas appropriate outfit???

[sumdude]

She lied about what she wore, clearly to avoid a conflict. You're BOTH making a mountain out of a molehill. That he even CARES what his wife is wearing in Vegas screams controlling. I'm not saying it's okay to lie, but here it seems patently obvious why she lied, and it's not because she's untrustworthy or up to no good. OP even said himself that he's never had reason not to trust her. And now he doesn't trust her, over a Vegas appropriate outfit???

 

The lack of flight and hotel information being shared rings the alarm bells for me... add the dress and shifty behavior and I'd be pretty suspicious too. What couple that's been married that long not share that particular info? Seriously, what if something happened to her while traveling? No way.. uh uh.. that's just not right.

 

I've been through the gaslighting thing with my ex wife. I may be slightly over sensitive to it now but I know if my gut feels something isn't right.. it's usually true.

[2sunny]

The lack of flight and hotel information being shared rings the alarm bells for me... add the dress and shifty behavior and I'd be pretty suspicious too. What couple that's been married that long not share that particular info? Seriously, what if something happened to her while traveling? No way.. uh uh.. that's just not right.

 

I've been through the gaslighting thing with my ex wife. I may be slightly over sensitive to it now but I know if my gut feels something isn't right.. it's usually true.

 

i agree. it's her all inclusive secrecy and lying and cover up that screams something isn't right at all.

 

why the need to hide the hotel and flight? hide the clothes? hide the pictures? then lie about all of it?

 

something smells really off here.

 

you will never get the real deal from her - time to start checking.

 

i don't think it looks controlling when he says he's trusted her in the past. SHE is showing good reason to be suspicious by her sneaky behavior. HE has a right to pay attention and check when things seem odd and then she lies on top of it all.

[Mary3]

Did you scrape her dress for DNA ?

 

The fact that she did not tell you about the flight means one of two things :

 

You are a paranoid husband and she decided you would do something if you knew about her plans.

 

Or : She met a man there and THATS the reason she kept so much from you. She may have * flew * with her gf's but she ended up in someone elses bed that night.

 

Hiding sexy clothes , throwing them in the back of the closet = Hiding Something

 

Not telling you her flight info = Hiding Something

 

Lying = Hiding Something.

 

Play FBI here and introduce some * stressors * to the conversation.

[Mary3]

OP your wife got laid in Vegas.

 

Yessir, Major

[FanFan]

Deep down, you KNOW she cheated on you. The question is, are you going to let it go? Are you going to be cheated and do nothing about it?

[Buglemn]

I have to do something, but I don't know what. I love her very much and could forgive her for most anything even one drunken night in Vegas. Trust is the main issue that I am having right now. It broke my heart when she lied right to my face and I knew it. Thankyou for all the help, I did not know where to turn for advice.

[2sunny]

I have to do something, but I don't know what. I love her very much and could forgive her for most anything even one drunken night in Vegas. Trust is the main issue that I am having right now. It broke my heart when she lied right to my face and I knew it. Thankyou for all the help, I did not know where to turn for advice.

 

maybe she has lied before and you didn't know it. if she lied so easily and without remorse - i wonder what else she's lied about that made her do it with such ease.

 

have you checked on her since she returned? cell phone... computer, facebook and any secret email address?

 

the sex changing since then is a huge red flag added into the equation... start checking and let us know what you find out.

[2sunny]

Did you scrape her dress for DNA ?

 

The fact that she did not tell you about the flight means one of two things :

 

You are a paranoid husband and she decided you would do something if you knew about her plans.

 

Or : She met a man there and THATS the reason she kept so much from you. She may have * flew * with her gf's but she ended up in someone elses bed that night.

 

Hiding sexy clothes , throwing them in the back of the closet = Hiding Something

 

Not telling you her flight info = Hiding Something

 

Lying = Hiding Something.

 

Play FBI here and introduce some * stressors * to the conversation.

 

i've seen husbands here who have their wife's underwear tested for semen. especially after a trip away. seems there's a company that you can send it to by mail for testing.

[FanFan]

I have to do something, but I don't know what. I love her very much and could forgive her for most anything even one drunken night in Vegas. Trust is the main issue that I am having right now. It broke my heart when she lied right to my face and I knew it. Thankyou for all the help, I did not know where to turn for advice.

 

1) Instal a keylogger on her computer. She will brag about it to at least one of her girlfriends.

 

2) Pay an unexpected visit to one of the women she went to the trip with. Sit down with her and TELL her you know your wife cheated. Ask her for more detail. (50% chance she will deny deny deny anything happened, but there is also this 50% chance that she will tell you by her expression on her face for few seconds. Pay attention.)

 

I also think that this is not her first time. She has done it and master the lies. That's why she can lie to your face without a blink. What a woman you have married. Check out this cheater:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=250963 Her husband did not know for 5 years and he still does NOT know.

Edited November 2, 2010 by FanFan

[FanFan]

She has a picture of her and ThunderDU on one of the guys lap in a short coctail dress, and also since she has been home we have had more sex in the last 8 weeks than we have in the previous 8 months. I love my wife very much, but have lost all trust from the lies. What should I do?

 

Do you really for a second think that she sit on this guy's lap, talk about work, and go their seperate ways? It's a sin city and there is no shortage of hotel rooms and beds. Doesn't her sitting on some guy's lap tell you everything you need to know?

[Buglemn]

Thought about printing out all of the posts that I have recieved and putting them on the table for her to read in the morning. Seems most think she cheated on me, don't know for sure. Don't want to talk to her Best F, she has big mouth. Just know my heart is bleeding.