Wife went to Las Vegas then lied to me.

[carhill]

OK, so the phone tag is a normal part of life and generally feelings aren't attached to it.

 

No significant substance use/abuse.

 

Has anyone in the thread asked about your physical intimacy yet? Besides her training for marathons (hard work in itself) and you going off hunting, what do you go off and do *together*?

 

Since you're new, I'm a former MM and have been through MC and was reading on with interest. No answers here, just questions

[Buglemn]

OK, so the phone tag is a normal part of life and generally feelings aren't attached to it.

 

No significant substance use/abuse.

 

Has anyone in the thread asked about your physical intimacy yet? Besides her training for marathons (hard work in itself) and you going off hunting, what do you go off and do *together*?

 

Since you're new, I'm a former MM and have been through MC and was reading on with interest. No answers here, just questions

 

I came to this site because I did not know where to go. Three months ago, if you ask about my relationship, I would have said it was good, above normal. We have money probs. as most all do, We have some sex issues, mainly how often, I have higher sex drive than her, from what I have read, seems normal for H to want it more that the W. We have had sex, usuall 2 times month for the past year. Few yrs ago maybe 1 to 2 a week. Getting older, takes a little more effort on her part to get my batteries charged. She is so pretty, Hef could put her in his mag, even at 47 yrs. old. To get me in the mood, all she has to do is strip with the lights on. I know her sex drive has decreased as Menop. is approaching, think that is normal. I have had health issues over the past 5 yrs. that has effected us, sexually and finance. I suffer from Migraines, and take a lot of medication which sometimes affects my libido, but not significantly.

I mean everything still works. She left me a message about dinner tonight, She is going to visit friend in Hosp. I know this is truth, I took her to hosp. earlier in week to visit her friend after surgery. Her message ended in I love you. Justr don't know what to think.

[InternationalPlayboy]

OP, here is how you will find out the truth:

 

First, hire a really sharp divorce attorney.

 

Then, have him send a letter to the women your wife was with in Vegas, along with their husbands (if any).

 

The letter should say that you are contemplating litigation (do not specify divorce or anything else) in which they may be called to testify at a deposition or trial, under oath.

 

The letter should then say if they voluntarily cooperate by giving a statement to the attorney about what happened in Vegas, pertaining only to what your wife did, not what they did, their participation in the litigation could probably be avoided.

 

At least one of the friends will crack, either by spilling her guts to the attorney, or by putting sufficient pressure on your wife so that she spills the beans to you directly.

 

Fun is fun but none of your wife's friends is going to want to be involved in a lawsuit where all their own nasty business and cheating might be uncovered as well.

 

This is called "playing hardball" and it is long past time for you to get out the ol' baseball mitt.

 

Just curious if you and the others calling for this woman's head on a platter will pay attorney's fees if he goes forward and finds what most likely happened in Las Vegas - nothing.

[carhill]

Just curious if you and the others calling for this woman's head on a platter will pay attorney's fees if he goes forward and finds what most likely happened in Las Vegas - nothing.

Good point and probably why I stopped reading and started posting. One step at a time.

 

OP, has your wife communicated how she *feels* about all that has gone on in the last five years?

 

I found an interesting comment by our MC when my ex described the stresses of her business and the time commitment; he said 'sometimes, one can have an 'inappropriate relationship' with work, with friends, with outside interests, when that commitment takes precedence over their commitment to their primary relationship (marriage) to the extent that it causes their partner to feel abandoned'

 

The spouse's job is to communicate those feelings of abandonment.

 

What's your perspective on that, OP?

[Buglemn]

Just curious if you and the others calling for this woman's head on a platter will pay attorney's fees if he goes forward and finds what most likely happened in Las Vegas - nothing.

 

Most comforting words that I have heard on the thread. You may be 100% right, just a stupid lie at the wrong time all blown out of proportion. Just don't know. We have always had loving caring relationship, normal bumps, hills, peaks, and valleys. Cannot imagine life without her. Great Mom to my boys. Hard worker, and dedicated to her job and activities. I sure don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, I don't want to be suspicious everytime she walks out the door either. I want her to be able to go to Vegas next year if she wants.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Well, you knew that she is that kind of woman who did it not once, more than that once.

 

 

 

Like I (and everyone else) said, a cheater is a liar. What's new.

 

 

 

Don't be naive. If you read around, you will see devoted church going "Christian" wives who had full time job and many other duties with children's sports, etc. can and do find a half an hour here and there to go to the other men's house or a local motel. This will not even apply if your wife is the kind that just have one night stands with stranger men and every time she cheats it's with a new man.

 

First off, a woman that has one or two one night stands is not "That kind of woman" as you call her. She was young and naive - but that doesn't make her a slut as you imply. And I suppose you feel it's okay if a male had one or two one night stands long before he was married?

 

Additionally, who wants to be judged indefinitely for mistakes they made 22 years ago? Were you so perfect and without flaw 22 years ago? I doubt it, so do not hold others to standards you cannot meet yourself.

[GorillaTheater]

Most comforting words that I have heard on the thread. You may be 100% right, just a stupid lie at the wrong time all blown out of proportion. Just don't know. We have always had loving caring relationship, normal bumps, hills, peaks, and valleys. Cannot imagine life without her. Great Mom to my boys. Hard worker, and dedicated to her job and activities. I sure don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, I don't want to be suspicious everytime she walks out the door either. I want her to be able to go to Vegas next year if she wants.

 

Then talk to her. This mess is mostly about communication; from her failure to give you pertinent details about her trip to your failure to communicate to her how that (and the clothing thing) is causing you concern. Just sit down with her and CALMLY talk with her. Chances are you'll be able to get through this together, in my opinion. But if you don't talk to her, this mess will continue to grow and fester inside of you. Afraid of a possible confrontation? Don't be. If anything, be afraid of inaction.

 

And maybe you won't get through this even if you sit down and talk with her. But, as with confrontations, don't be afraid of the truth, which could possibly be that your worst nightmares are the reality. Deal with it and move on.

 

Whatever the truth may be, you can handle it. But you first need to figure out what the truth is.

[Buglemn]

Good point and probably why I stopped reading and started posting. One step at a time.

 

OP, has your wife communicated how she *feels* about all that has gone on in the last five years?

 

I found an interesting comment by our MC when my ex described the stresses of her business and the time commitment; he said 'sometimes, one can have an 'inappropriate relationship' with work, with friends, with outside interests, when that commitment takes precedence over their commitment to their primary relationship (marriage) to the extent that it causes their partner to feel abandoned'

 

The spouse's job is to communicate those feelings of abandonment.

 

What's your perspective on that, OP?

 

We've talked about my medical probs. only big issue is things don't work down there after I take a lot of pain killers. That is an issue of less than once a month. I have had some problems with her activities being to much and we have talked about that, tried in the past to make special time for us. We went out on a Date in early Aug. for 22nd anniv. and have ate out alone together 3 times since. Doesn't seem like much, but this is busiest time of the year for us as a whole. Don't think that she has any problem feeling abandoned, maybe just a little lonely while I am away. Her and her friends just went to see Nickelback in concert, had a good time sounded like. Sometimes I feel 2nd place, we've talked about that a few times. She will get really busy coaching and working out. She's taking kids on a leadership retreat out of town for 1 night this week. She is always doing things like this, Marathon in Florida or Kansas. Runs 2 or 3 a year. I'm driving her to Fla. for one over Christmas break.

[Buglemn]

Then talk to her. This mess is about communication mostly; from her failure to give you pertinent details about her trip to your failure to communicate to her how that (and the clothing thing) is causing you concern. Just sit down with her and CALMLY talk with her. Chances are you'll be able to get through this together, in my opinion. But if you don't talk to her, this mess will continue to grow and fester inside of you. Afraid of a possible confrontation? Don't be. If anything, be afraid of inaction.

 

Whatever the truth may be, you can handle it. But you first need to figure out what the truth is.

 

No doubt a communication prob. The first 2 weeks after she came home we talked about it 3 or 4 times. I knew something was wrong and suspected that she lied a little, but let her talk me out of it. She told me several times every thing is and was fine with us. Things went on fine for another 2 weeks, that is when she lied to my face and I knew it. A stupid lie to cover up another lie. I have not brought up anything since, I don't want her to lie to me again. I sure hope we can get through together. Thank ya'll (Okie terms) for advice and opinions. Got to go to work now. I'll check back in a few hours.

[carhill]

Interesting how, first, you examined the possibility of her feeling abandoned.

 

I think now would be a good day to make a MC appointment...

[goingstrong]

Bugleman, it sounds as if you still need more info about what on in Vegas, but it is possible that she didn't do anything but wanted too. Take this as a warning that you're putting her to sleep in the marriage and do something pro-active about it. Water the proverbial garden so to speak. By the way she is described, I wouldn't do any of that mushy I love you puppy dog s***, but get involved in some of her activities like running.

[Untouchable_Fire]

A long time ago she told me about 2 one night stands that she had before we were married. I could tell that both of them really bothered her and she felt guilty for allowing herself to get in that situation. I could tell that she regretted those actions and that was when she was single.

 

This is meaningless info. Don't believe this means she won't do a ONS today, or that she will.

 

I do think MCouncil is in order now. This was her first trip to Vegas. We have ups and downs like any other couple I'm sure. We have never separated, or even come close. I know we both love each other, couldn't do 22 + years without it. Marriage seemed fine as I left for the mountains. She even encouraged a second trip to Colorado two weeks later as she was finishing up her softball season. She is the coach, and the end of the season, they play 1 or 2 games each night and most of the weekend conf. tournament. So I went hunting again convinced that everything was fine, When I got home is when I found that she had deleted the pics and lied to me.

 

It always makes me nervous when a woman encourages time apart. You should be nervous as well. A wife should naturally want as much time as possible with the man she loves.

 

We have money probs. as most all do, We have some sex issues, mainly how often, I have higher sex drive than her, from what I have read, seems normal for H to want it more that the W. We have had sex, usuall 2 times month for the past year.

 

This is also bad news. Your lives are taking you separate directions. You NEED to fix that regardless of anything else. Start going to concerts and stuff with her.

 

Additionally, you say that she had no text messages during her trip? Pull up her phone records. Look at all the calls she made during that time period and match them up to people. Pay special attention to who she called just before the trip.

 

This is my 2 cents. I think your marriage sucks. I don't think your wife is cheating... I think you two are so disconnected that it just seems like it.

 

I have had some problems with her activities being to much and we have talked about that, tried in the past to make special time for us. We went out on a Date in early Aug. for 22nd anniv. and have ate out alone together 3 times since. Doesn't seem like much, but this is busiest time of the year for us as a whole.

 

I would suggest you do some Marriage Counseling. Check you insurance to see if it's available!

[Binster]

Just a thought, but maybe she didn't mention the clothes because she felt a bit embarrassed wearing things that were a bit on the sexy side while away with the girls and hid pictures for the same reason. I'm not saying thats how it is, it's just a sugestion.

Also could you chat to any of the husbands just in a low key way over a few beers it might get a few answers and help put your mind at ease.

[Buglemn]

Just a thought, but maybe she didn't mention the clothes because she felt a bit embarrassed wearing things that were a bit on the sexy side while away with the girls and hid pictures for the same reason. I'm not saying thats how it is, it's just a sugestion.

Also could you chat to any of the husbands just in a low key way over a few beers it might get a few answers and help put your mind at ease.

 

This is what my first instinct of the lie was. I bought her a dress for annv. She looked extremely hot in it. She just wore it in the bedroom for me. The dresses that she bought made mine look tame. She put one on for me when I found it, OMG, have to say it did make me jealous some, but I try to keep it under control. She said that she didn't even wear it, which at the time I believed. It didn't go in the laundry so I believed her.

She did try to hide it from me. The other sexy dress, she never tried on and now has put it in the xtra closet. When I came to this site, I really did not believe that she screwed around, but maybe that she did cheat in another way (i.e. straddled a guy on dance floor, sat on a Thunder dude's lap, or just danced inappropriate for her) or felt guilty in some way for something. I definitely want to get to the bottom as mature and tactfully as I can. Thankyou for the help, I appriciate all thoughts and suggestions.

[Buglemn]

 

 

 

It always makes me nervous when a woman encourages time apart. You should be nervous as well. A wife should naturally want as much time as possible with the man she loves.

 

Additionally, you say that she had no text messages during her trip? Pull up her phone records. Look at all the calls she made during that time period and match them up to people. Pay special attention to who she called just before the trip.

 

This is my 2 cents. I think your marriage sucks. I don't think your wife is cheating... I think you two are so disconnected that it just seems like it.

 

She seemed generally happy for me to get another chance to go to Colorado hunting. She knows how much I love it. I was not going to go until she encouraged me. I already had a $600 elk tag sitting unused on the counter.

 

Can I get phone records online?

 

I never thought that my marriage sucked, I have seen many close friend couples go thier separate ways. I never thought that we had a problem that big. She would have to confess something really really bad for me not to be able to forgive her. I do have to restore trust some way though.

[TheMENemy]

Just curious if you and the others calling for this woman's head on a platter will pay attorney's fees if he goes forward and finds what most likely happened in Las Vegas - nothing.

 

 

No, nor would I pay for his dental bill if he has a toothache, goes to the dentist, and is told everything is fine.

[TheMENemy]

I never thought that my marriage sucked

 

But what does your wife think?

[Mary3]

Sex 2 times a month ?

 

I like it 2 times a day.

 

Help me out here : You can't perform because of the medicine ? Do you mean your desire or the physiological response of an erection ? ( Sorry not trying to get so technical - just trying to find out if your wife needs more sex than she is getting from you .)

 

You said she wants to have MORE sex now after the trip.

 

That means two things ( unfortunately having LOTS of sex with your spouse when prior to that you did not want much of any , could be a sign of an affair )

 

Or it means she got eroticized by wearing the sexy dress,. men checked her out , maybe she did a mini lap dance with the guy and NOW she wants to slam you against the wall and have mad hot sex ?

[Buglemn]

Sex 2 times a month ?

 

I like it 2 times a day.

 

Help me out here : You can't perform because of the medicine ? Do you mean your desire or thephysiological response of an erection ? ( Sorry not trying to get so technical - just trying to find out if your wife needs more sex than she is getting from you .)

 

You said she wants to have MORE sex now after the trip.

 

That means two things ( unfortunately having LOTS of sex with your spouse when prior to that you did not want much of any , could be a sign of an affair )

 

Or it means she got eroticized by wearing the sexy dress,. men checked her out , maybe she did a mini lap dance with the guy and NOW she wants to slam you against the wall and havemad hot sex ?

 

In past 5 years the Dr.s or I call them drug dealers have perscribed over $40,000 worth of all different pills to me. I try one for a few months if no improvement, they give me another. All have some sort of side effects. Some I have to P constantly, others put me to sleep, some I cannot sleep, one gave me kidneystones. Pain killers cause me to loose my erection prematurely. I am now on an anti seizure medication that seems to be working fairly well. I have been on this med for 5 months with the most success of any so far. No side effects, except maybe paranoia (LOL) about my wife. I always seem to want more sex than her, we settle at a happy medium. Twice a month for the past year has been the lowest ave. since our wedding. Usually at least once a week. However, since the Vegas trip she has only brushed me off twice because she was tired and exhausted from the days events. I'd like to get slammed against the wall every now and then. I would like twice a day, but I have to be realistic with her. Lately its been at least 3 times a week. I always have some sort of desire, I think its a man thing.

[Buglemn]

 

But what does your wife think?

 

I really don't know what she thinks. I know we have talked about the fact that "committment " is most important in a relationship. I think she is committed alright, wouldn't have made 22yrs + without it. She says that she loves me a lot more often than I do to her. I do know that. During one of our earlier conversations after she got home I do remember her saying to me that she could forgive me for anything except being unfaithful to her would be very difficult for her to overcome.

[carhill]

Hmm, three times a week after two times a month? Anyone see some hysterical bonding behaviors? See how it goes...

[Buglemn]

Hmm, three times a week after two times a month? Anyone see some hysterical bonding behaviors? See how it goes...

 

Can't hardly gripe about that can I? Things have slowed a little last 2 weeks. If she didn't cheat on me, then I am ready to send her back to Vegas. Just got to get some answers and over my trust issues.

[Mary3]

Can't hardly gripe about that can I? Things have slowed a little last 2 weeks. If she didn't cheat on me, then I am ready to send her back to Vegas. Just got to get some answers and over my trust issues.

 

Yes, yes on the surface level getting sex much more than you used to would make any man happy as a frog in a muddy pond * but * since you have these other concerns,...well that concerns me....

 

I hope this works out for you. ON one hand , I don't want you to be a sap and be blind to something but on the other hand maybe the $ 40,000 in medication caused a paranoid issue.

 

Keep your eyes OPEN in either case and post back here because we do care

[2sunny]

Can't hardly gripe about that can I? Things have slowed a little last 2 weeks. If she didn't cheat on me, then I am ready to send her back to Vegas. Just got to get some answers and over my trust issues.

 

Hmm, three times a week after two times a month? Anyone see some hysterical bonding behaviors? See how it goes...

 

 

man oh man - his eyes are shut tight!

 

you need to learn a few things about why some things may be happening my dear.

 

google hysterical bonding and read it. you may want to consider anything is possible. it will give you an idea of why she may be having sex with you more often than in the past.

 

sending her back to vegas to get more sex but not addressing what has happened to invoke all the changes isn't enough.

 

please - do some reading and research. have you looked at her phone bill from before, during and since her trip? check to see who and how often she has been in contact with during her trip and since she's been home. does she have a facebook page? any newer friends or ones she may be corresponding with from there or from an email account you don't know about yet?

 

start check. start paying attention to subtle changes - they mean something.

[carhill]

OP, having had a fair amount of experience as an OM and also as a lesser 'receptacle' for MW's 'stuff', I'm watching this carefully. Time reveals all truths.

 

The totality of the issues cause me to re-suggest MC, especially in light of your health issues and how they have affected you. This is a great lever into MC, asking for help for you and asking her to help you. The worst thing that could happen is it is ineffective and you've wasted some money. Those elk tags are worth about six sessions