how to deal with partner's 'panic/anger attacks'?

[jamcherries]

This afternoon my friend/partner was finishing off her coursework before going to college class this evening.

The owner of our flat messaged to say he would be coming around while she was at class, so I came to her as I needed some information from her to give him.

 

Her response at being interrupted was -as often- a kind of panicked irritation. Of course I was interrupting her, because we needed to send the owner a message before he travelled across the city to meet us. I'm used to giving her space when she is working on something, and that's fine, but occasionally something will come up that cannot wait for her to finish what she's doing.

 

Her reaction, even though it's happened before, always surprises me. She responds as if I'm a bully harrassing or being aggressive or sadistic, when I'm feeling fine and am calm and have no annoyance with her. (A few hours earlier we were in bed having a morning cuddle and talking jokily about things.) The more I stay calm and try saying clearly 'I know it's a pain but we have to send the text so I've got to check it with you', the more cornered and evasive she becomes. When it's obvious it's useless to continue, I leave the room. But she then follows me and yells and shrieks, and finds things to smash.

 

This has happened several times before. It doesn't seem to be about me being demanding or aggressive, but solely about her mind-state when I request something from her. I realised tonight how much it's like a panic attack (I dealt with a guy a few months ago who thought he had got heatstroke, and was developing a panic attack: I saw how it's a kind of feedback mechanism - believing he was panicking led to it becoming more intense. With him I just stayed calm, kept the mood breezy but light -checked his symptoms and tried not to show any fear of my own (ie "What the f*** am I going to do if he collapses on the floor?" I just did what I could to lower the overall agitation he felt.)

 

But with her nothing seems to work. I can't always leave the house just because I share with a person whom I can't interrupt without her freaking out and becoming threatening. On a previous occasion some years ago (which I wasn't the cause of) she rowed with housemates and then suddenly grabbed a kitchen knife, threatening to kill one of the other women in the house. I supported her then, trying to reassure the others that this was a one-off outburst of stress.

 

If I walk down the street and someone comes trying to provoke a physical fight like that I would respond with immediate physical force. But in this case I am torn -I can't respond naturally (the taboo against using force on a woman who thinks it's okay to threaten a man with violence), and I feel it's out of her control. At the same time as feeling she is manipulating me to try and aggravate my reactions to worsen the situation, she's so upset I want to help her. But I can't if she's being crazed and trying to find a way to damage anything around her.

 

Any experience/thoughts?

[jamcherries]

oh I should add that as a child I grew up with constant arguing and shouting in the house: my mother alcohol-dependent and a man who would spend hours shouting back at her. I hid in bed while my mother yelled as my stepfather kicked in her ribs. And at other times, I saw how she would pick fights with him, not getting satisfaction until she had made a situation really dangerous and aggressive.

 

I told my partner about this years ago, and that's why I don't want to argue about petty things - I just want to do simple tasks without concern. I don't insist that things have to be done my way - tonight I was saying simply, 'Well if you don't want to tell me what message you want to send him, can you send it yourself?'

 

When she provokes me into hostile argument I feel all the emotions of fear from early childhood emerge, and that's why it is such a trouble for me.