my girlfriend

[fred]

o.k. heres the deal. i've been with this woman for quite awhile now. she has had some rough times in her past, abusive boyfriends, drunken mother, totally dysfunctional family. i grew up with both parents, lots of love and a healthy attitude towards life and women. she loves these things about me, so she says, she has even gone to counseling for me cause of her lack of trust and jealousy and insecurity issues. the problem is that i really love her alot, it is just taking so long for things to get better. i know she is trying i see little improvements with her, but she back slides so much. i feel guilty thinking about leaving her and proving again to her that guys can't be trusted, that they will eventually leave or beat you. i have given up most of my drinking cause i knew how she felt about that, but sometimes i still like a beer and she still goes off on the deep end. her past seems to still control her and tht controls our life. she is so sweet, gentle and loving, and i know she loves me so much. i know i am not responsible for her and her past, but i try to be understanding but i fail more then succeed. i don't know how to deal with this kind of problem she has had. she loves my family and they love her, but still i have to drag her to my family get togethers, she does fine once we are there, it's just getting her there. she is not use to this kind of family i have, the more crazier things are the more she seems happier. this is sad, and i want to help her, but this is hard for me too, what can i do? we are not kids, she is in her fourtys and so am i.

[Jackie]

o.k. heres the deal. i've been with this woman for quite awhile now. she has had some rough times in her past, abusive boyfriends, drunken mother, totally dysfunctional family. i grew up with both parents, lots of love and a healthy attitude towards life and women. she loves these things about me, so she says, she has even gone to counseling for me cause of her lack of trust and jealousy and insecurity issues. the problem is that i really love her alot, it is just taking so long for things to get better. i know she is trying i see little improvements with her, but she back slides so much. i feel guilty thinking about leaving her and proving again to her that guys can't be trusted, that they will eventually leave or beat you. i have given up most of my drinking cause i knew how she felt about that, but sometimes i still like a beer and she still goes off on the deep end. her past seems to still control her and tht controls our life. she is so sweet, gentle and loving, and i know she loves me so much. i know i am not responsible for her and her past, but i try to be understanding but i fail more then succeed. i don't know how to deal with this kind of problem she has had. she loves my family and they love her, but still i have to drag her to my family get togethers, she does fine once we are there, it's just getting her there. she is not use to this kind of family i have, the more crazier things are the more she seems happier. this is sad, and i want to help her, but this is hard for me too, what can i do? we are not kids, she is in her fourtys and so am i.

[Jackie]

o.k. heres the deal. i've been with this woman for quite awhile now. she has had some rough times in her past, abusive boyfriends, drunken mother, totally dysfunctional family. i grew up with both parents, lots of love and a healthy attitude towards life and women. she loves these things about me, so she says, she has even gone to counseling for me cause of her lack of trust and jealousy and insecurity issues. the problem is that i really love her alot, it is just taking so long for things to get better. i know she is trying i see little improvements with her, but she back slides so much. i feel guilty thinking about leaving her and proving again to her that guys can't be trusted, that they will eventually leave or beat you. i have given up most of my drinking cause i knew how she felt about that, but sometimes i still like a beer and she still goes off on the deep end. her past seems to still control her and tht controls our life. she is so sweet, gentle and loving, and i know she loves me so much. i know i am not responsible for her and her past, but i try to be understanding but i fail more then succeed. i don't know how to deal with this kind of problem she has had. she loves my family and they love her, but still i have to drag her to my family get togethers, she does fine once we are there, it's just getting her there. she is not use to this kind of family i have, the more crazier things are the more she seems happier. this is sad, and i want to help her, but this is hard for me too, what can i do? we are not kids, she is in her fourtys and so am i.

 

Your sensitivity and obvious concern regarding your girlfriend I find

 

is refreshing. However, at this point communication is your only option.

 

Her problems are from within compounded with the fact that she is 40 something and is most likely dealing with estrogen deprivation. Her hormones are most likely doing her in also. The classic mid-life crisis (I'm in the middle of that myself). The dysfunctional upbringing, along with abusive boyfriends, has done a number on her self-esteem. She realizes what she has in you that is why she went to counseling but is having a hard time working on herself. She needs to do whatever she can to work on her own mental health. Yoga, going back to school and taking some courses, continue going to counseling would possibly help her self-esteem issues, but either way, you are powerless over her happiness or unhappiness. She has to figure all that out herself by looking within and understanding what brought her to the point she is at. Regarding you feeling like having a beer, you are in your 40's and if you feel you are not an alcoholic and a beer would give you pleasure, by all means have a beer. You need to have a life and not be an extension of her or consume yourself with her problems. The best thing you could do is just listening and give her positive feedback. If she chooses not to go to your family outing then leave her alone and go yourself. Learn the art and technique of loving detachment.

 

I hope something I said makes sense to you. I can't believe I am typing this response.

 

I don't know how or why I found this site. After being on the computer all day I seldom even sit at the computer at night. Must be a reason why though because in my life nothing has turned out to be coincidence. You're a nice guy and she is lucky and I wish you well together.

[Tony T]

There is nothing wrong with your lady friend that an exceptionally skilled psychotherapist and two to three years of intensive one-one-one counselling and one year of group therapy can't cure. I said EXCEPTIONALLY SKILLED.

 

Growing up in a highly dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic-parented home leaves serious scars on a young person that they take with them all the days of their lives. So often they never even realize why their adult lives don't ever work out right or they gravitate to chaotic, disruptive lifestules that closely replicate the one they lived in as a child.

 

Some seem caught somewhere in the middle, uncomfortable with seriously dysfunctional surroundings and ill at ease with a more normal atmosphere.

 

The healing process requires the person to be exceptionally insightful and to be able to work with a skilled counsellor who specializes in healing the childhood wounds that are present.

 

There are dozens of books on Adult Children from Alcoholic Families; the Public Broadcasting Service offers a series of Videotapes called: Branshaw: On the Family. You can also get audio tapes from this and other series by John Bradshaw by looking him up on the Internet. There may be no charge workshops or group healing sessions for Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families in your area. There are books on the subject by John Bradshaw you may even find in your public library. He is an accepted authority on the subject.

 

So often, the pain of such a difficult childhood is so great that most of it is suppressed and shows itself as anger, depression, alcholism, or whatever in adulthood. It's a terrible thing and the fact that your lady is doing as well as she is speaks well for her.

 

I personally would not take on such a lady in my hunt for a mate. I would lovingly set her on a path of healing and recovery and move on. You have to make a decision as to whether you want to invest the kind of time that may be required for her to go through such a process, evaluate her dedication to healing herself, and decide if you want to take a gamble that the healing will actually occur.

 

Another big gamble. Love is very state specific. She may love you now in the mental condition she is in. If she undergoes intensive therapy to escape the chains that bind her, will she still love you once she is free and has new feelings of a recovered and more fully functional human being? It has nothing to do with you...it will have to do with her different state of mind.

 

This is serious stuff you need to discuss with professionals after you read up on the material. John Bradshaw has an institute in Texas you may want to call for information.

 

You've got a lot of work ahead of you either way. Good luck. I wouldn't do it myself...I'm too old.

[Tony T]

I failed to mention the term codependency, which has been a buzzword in psychology for close to 15 years now. You have to understand that staying with your lady requires tough love and you cannot be a codependent or enabler in her life and healing process. If you stay with her, you will have to take an active part in her therapy by stepping back and allowing the healing steps to take place. Like a child learning to ride a bicycle, they will never get good if you stand aside them to catch them if they show the slightest sign of falling over. Make sure you discuss your role with the counsellor should you decide to do this.

 

You really need to read up...and you can look for books on codependency...they are all over the psychology section of any bookstore. This is also Bradshaw's area of expertise.

 

Good luck!!!