Affair and Still Emotionally Attached

[Shorty360]

I got married to my high school sweetheart. we have dated since i was 15 and got married when i was 19. During that time we never took a break to date other people. I wanted to but he said he wasn't going to stick around so i never did anything about it. Now we have been married for 4 years and have a daughter.

 

I cheated on him with a guy i met. It was more of a one night stand but than i started to call him and we hung out more and more. I loved the way i felt around him. It was so easy to be around him. I told him i wasn't happy in my marriage. That i got married to young and i felt like i missed out on dating and discovering who i was as a person. I feel like i care for my husband but I am not in love. My family tells me if i leave my husband i am making a huge mistake and think about my daughter.

 

My husband knew something was up and i confused about the affair. He called the other guy and told him to stop talking to me and stay out of our marriage. The other guy told me that i need to figure out what i want without him in the picture. He doesn't want to influence my decision but he is here to talk and be a friend. He said it isn't fair to my husband or daughter or family. He said he still cares for me and if i wasn't marriage than we would pursue something but i am marriage. I am no longer talking to him but he is constantly on my mind, when i am with my husband, etc.

 

My husband has been checking my phone records, is limiting the people i hang out with or the places i go to avoid this situation from happening and to build back trust. We are seeing our pastor for weekly meetings. But i am still unhappy and i dont like being treated like a child. I just cant stop thinking about the other guy. But also I have been with my husband since i was 15 and now i am 23. He is all i know. I just feel like the feelings i have for the other guy i will never have again for my husband. I know its the newness of getting to know someone but i also feel like an adult with him opposed to a child living with her dad. I want my husband to be treated the way he deserves and i feel like i cant give that to him. I know i am being selfish but i do want to see where this other person and I could go eventually. I really miss his friendship and just talking to him. Obviously I am still emotionally attached to the other guy. I just dont know what to do? Please help! I am so confused? Do i stay in a marriage just for my daughter and force this marriage to work when the emotions are not there?

[Untouchable_Fire]

My husband knew something was up and i confused about the affair. He called the other guy and told him to stop talking to me and stay out of our marriage. The other guy told me that i need to figure out what i want without him in the picture. He doesn't want to influence my decision but he is here to talk and be a friend. He said it isn't fair to my husband or daughter or family. He said he still cares for me and if i wasn't marriage than we would pursue something but i am marriage. I am no longer talking to him but he is constantly on my mind, when i am with my husband, etc.

My husband has been checking my phone records, is limiting the people i hang out with or the places i go to avoid this situation from happening and to build back trust. We are seeing our pastor for weekly meetings. But i am still unhappy and i dont like being treated like a child. I just cant stop thinking about the other guy. But also I have been with my husband since i was 15 and now i am 23. He is all i know. I just feel like the feelings i have for the other guy i will never have again for my husband. I know its the newness of getting to know someone but i also feel like an adult with him opposed to a child living with her dad. I want my husband to be treated the way he deserves and i feel like i cant give that to him. I know i am being selfish but i do want to see where this other person and I could go eventually. I really miss his friendship and just talking to him. Obviously I am still emotionally attached to the other guy. I just dont know what to do? Please help! I am so confused? Do i stay in a marriage just for my daughter and force this marriage to work when the emotions are not there?

 

Ok... you just listed 100 reasons you should get divorced... and none to stay. I don't care what your family tells you... everything else says end it. I can't believe you have not taken this step yet.

 

Your just sitting on the fence and it's silly. What more do you need to make up your mind? Are you going to start sleeping on the fence too? If that's your route... to avoid the overall discomfort... I'd suggest face down with your mouth on the post.

[JAGeezer]

Wow, is this a familiar sounding refrain. If I had a nickle for every man or woman who cheated because they felt they missed out in high school.... It's like a trip to Never Never Land, where you never have to grow up.

 

Two things to remember.

 

You caused this. Your current loss of freedom of movement was your own doing. You brought it on when you used your freedom to betray your husband with another man. Something that you're apparently still doing in your heart. Before this he trusted you because he believed that he could. Now he knows that he can't. Before this you had his trust by marital right. NOW you have to earn it back. Until such time as you do, what he says goes. Either accept that, or pack your bags and go find the OM. It's the price you're going to pay to save your M, assuming that's what you really want. It'll take between 2 and 5 years for this to clear up, but you've barely even begun the process and you're already whining about the limitations on your freedom. If you want your freedom either stay and earn it back, or get a D and go shack up with your lover.

 

The other thing to remember is that at the end of this your old marriage will still be dead. You and your lover killed it. Your new marriage will always be tainted by the fact that your H remembers that you broke your vows. Learn to live with that too. If you look around here and read the threads, there are some success stories. Really good ones. There are far more failures. Judging by the fact that you're fighting the process right out of the gate, based on your own selfishness, I'd guess that you'll be one of the latter.

 

I get that you're in a bad place, but you don't have the luxury of time. You gave that up when you cheated. So decide what you want and decide now. What do you want more? The freedom to date and screw around with whomever you want, or your M and family. If it's freedom you crave, then have the decency to grant your H his with a minimum of hassle so he can heal up and find a W who actually understands the word "commitment" before he gets too old to start another family.

 

JAG

[Dexter Morgan]

 

My husband has been checking my phone records, is limiting the people i hang out with or the places i go to avoid this situation from happening and to build back trust. We are seeing our pastor for weekly meetings. But i am still unhappy and i dont like being treated like a child.

 

well what do you expect? to cheat on him just because you didn't get to sew your wild oats when younger and that he be the only one that gets to be miserable?

 

you act like a child, you get treated like one.....at least for a while. And if you can't handle that, then just get a divorce...because what you did to him will stick with him forever, even if some normal place in your lives comes back.

 

 

 

I just cant stop thinking about the other guy. But also I have been with my husband since i was 15 and now i am 23. He is all i know. I just feel like the feelings i have for the other guy i will never have again for my husband.

 

its called being fickle....you like the feelings you have with the new guy because he is...well....new. and newness will always wear off. if you think you won't be wanting to better deal this new guy later if you would end up with him...think again.

 

 

 

I know its the newness of getting to know someone but i also feel like an adult with him opposed to a child living with her dad.

 

the reason you are being treated like a child is because YOU CHEATED ON YOUR HUSBAND! What part of that don't you understand.

 

Sounds like you had the trust of a loving husband before you cheated...now, at least temporarily, you have lost some freedoms because its what he needs right now.

 

you got to be selfish....you got to have fun with another man.....being a totally open book for a while is the least you can do. If you feel like you are being treated like a child....try having your heart ripped out of your chest by someone you thought loved you.

 

 

I want my husband to be treated the way he deserves and i feel like i cant give that to him. I know i am being selfish but i do want to see where this other person and I could go eventually.

 

ok, then stop right there.....get a divorce if this is how you feel. You and your husband are young...no sense in wasting any more of his life when he can be out there finding someone who is faithful.

 

set him free.

 

I really miss his friendship and just talking to him. Obviously I am still emotionally attached to the other guy. I just dont know what to do? Please help! I am so confused? Do i stay in a marriage just for my daughter and force this marriage to work when the emotions are not there?

 

no, you get a divorce so you aren't wasting any more of your husband's short time on this earth. he is young and could be out there finding someone who won't do this to him.

 

and if you do divorce, then do right by him with regards to custody, 50/50, no child support.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

A person that will cheat with a married person, will cheat on them also...

You don't sound happy, but you also mentioned you was to young when you married... Who told you that?? People always tell others this or that, when in reality its not true.. 19 is young to get married, however its not a mistake, its a choice...

I met my current wife when she was 14, I was 17, we have been madly in love for almost 26 years...During those years we dated, which was 7, she went through her stages of needing space, we both needed to grow a bit, and we gave each other the space we needed, but in the end we always ended up missing each other, that was the sign of love! She married me when she was 21, I was 24...

Yes, you could have dated more, or experimented, but you made a decision to get married, when you should have told your husband you needed some time to think about things, and if he couldn't understand then he wasn't mature enough to get married either...

I would suggest you think hard, get a separation if you must, and then you can decide if you really miss your husband....

Sometimes, changes feel really good, but sometimes they are a mask, and a trick to what a person really is...If a person is willing to take you away from their husband, then they are truly a cold hearted person, or they are not fully mature enough to know they are coming in between a very sacred promise that God created long ago....

Try your best to talk to your husband and see if he can fill those empty feelings you are getting from the new man..If you cannot, then seek separation.

[jnj express]

Hey shorty-----this isn't about being too young, or not to young----this is about you not getting to have the life of a normal teenager-----you chose to stay with one person, and marry that person, so as was said above you never got to sow your wild oats----now you want to see what life is all about

 

But Oh Darn---You took vows to stay together for better or worse, thru sickness and in health---did you forget those vows??????---

 

Then you even went and had a child----You don't like your life now----after 8 or so years with your H., life has become, boring, drab, the same-----I guess you have never heard the word responsibility----well guess what---it's there right in front of you

 

You don't like your life get a divorce---BUT be prepared to get one, maybe two jobs---be prepared to raise the child, the child you agreed to have for days at a time all by yourself---cuz now you will be single, and you won't have a H. to rely on when you need help with everyday things----you make your bed---you get to sleep in it

 

JUST REMEMBER THIS, AND REMEMBER IT GOOD----this guy you say you love----HE IS A HOMEWRECKER----he has already ruined the life of your innocent child, and husband, by helping you cheat-----YOU, AND YOU ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR---but it does take two to tango---DOESN'T IT

[Steadfast]

All that's needed here is to read this line;

 

 

I know i am being selfish but...

 

 

And there you go. Welcome to the cheater's mindset. This isn't about maturity Shorty, or even wanting what you (think) you've missed, it's about you. Women (and men) more than twice your age are suffering with this issue and left unresolved, it won't get better. IMO, you need to set your husband free. Seriously, he'll thank you someday. And speaking of someday, that's when the realization of the life you've chosen will hit you like a ton of bricks. It doesn't matter what you look like, where you live or how much money you have, the self-centered all end up the same way; miserable. The truly happy, the truly content and the truly successful are those with honor and integrity. As of right now, you have neither.

 

True happiness comes from giving. What you get in return overshadows anything you can gain on your own by a lifetime. Look deeper. Think.

[wicar1]

I got married to my high school sweetheart. we have dated since i was 15 and got married when i was 19. During that time we never took a break to date other people. I wanted to but he said he wasn't going to stick around so i never did anything about it. Now we have been married for 4 years and have a daughter.

 

I cheated on him with a guy i met. It was more of a one night stand but than i started to call him and we hung out more and more. I loved the way i felt around him. It was so easy to be around him. I told him i wasn't happy in my marriage. That i got married to young and i felt like i missed out on dating and discovering who i was as a person. I feel like i care for my husband but I am not in love. My family tells me if i leave my husband i am making a huge mistake and think about my daughter.

 

My husband knew something was up and i confused about the affair. He called the other guy and told him to stop talking to me and stay out of our marriage. The other guy told me that i need to figure out what i want without him in the picture. He doesn't want to influence my decision but he is here to talk and be a friend. He said it isn't fair to my husband or daughter or family. He said he still cares for me and if i wasn't marriage than we would pursue something but i am marriage. I am no longer talking to him but he is constantly on my mind, when i am with my husband, etc.

 

My husband has been checking my phone records, is limiting the people i hang out with or the places i go to avoid this situation from happening and to build back trust. We are seeing our pastor for weekly meetings. But i am still unhappy and i dont like being treated like a child. I just cant stop thinking about the other guy. But also I have been with my husband since i was 15 and now i am 23. He is all i know. I just feel like the feelings i have for the other guy i will never have again for my husband. I know its the newness of getting to know someone but i also feel like an adult with him opposed to a child living with her dad. I want my husband to be treated the way he deserves and i feel like i cant give that to him. I know i am being selfish but i do want to see where this other person and I could go eventually. I really miss his friendship and just talking to him. Obviously I am still emotionally attached to the other guy. I just dont know what to do? Please help! I am so confused? Do i stay in a marriage just for my daughter and force this marriage to work when the emotions are not there?

 

Get a divorce...your husband deserves a good partner....who won't go for other men. By staying married your spoiling his future and your child's as well.

 

You cheated on him.... and now you are complaining of him treating treating you as a child.

 

If he had cheated on you, do you think you will let him go out and roam free ???

 

Let the poor guy go... if not sooner or later you will start your EA again and will be screwing this OM behind your husband's back.