Girlfriend devistatedly admitted she cheated on me... what do i do?

[doodman76]

I'm really devastated right now, because I love this girl so much and I know she loves me too, I could tell it was probably one of the hardest things shes ever had to do because she was balling when she told me and it happened months ago.

 

Back story: I'm 24, shes 23. We met 4 months ago on an online dating website, we really didn't spend much time online together we wanted to meet in person as soon as possible and we did, and things clicked instantly. We were really into each other. Things were mainly just physical at first she wanted to take it slow because she had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship months before we met. A month in we went on a camping trip together and fell in love. But prior to the camping trip something unfortunate popped up, a coworker sent her a message on facebook (which she let me see) that he was single and she should be the first one to know. After some prodding and talking she finally admitted she was really into him a few months before we met things escalated between them until the point he told her he already had a girlfriend and things stopped. I popped up shortly after that in her life.

 

Time went on and the camping trip happened and after how much fun we had I was sure he would become a non factor in her life. But I knew she still talked to him and probably hung out with him a few times, I had my suspicions but tried not to let them affect our relationship. So about two months ago the night in question I remember her being weird talking to me earlier in the day and then she called me when she got off work and we talked briefly and she said shed call me later. The whole night goes on she doesn't call me or pop up on skype (we live 45mins away so we dont get to see each other every day due to schedules). I call her and she doesnt answer, and shell always answer or call back shortly. She never called back, she sent me a text like 2 hours later with some excuse I knew was a lie. The next morning she calls me a bunch of times in the morning and I ignored her, finally I picked up and she started acting really nice to me which I thought was weird and didn't bring up the fact she was missing the night before. My suspicions grew to the point the next time I saw her 2 days later or so I checked her phone and found out she indeed was hanging out with that guy to which point i was furious. I accused her later and told her I checked her messages and she turned it back on me, I asked her if she cheated on me and simply told me no and thought it was bad of me to think the worst of people just because she wasn't online and she told me all she did was help him pack because he was moving and he did the same for her a long time ago. She stormed out on me left for the night even though she planned on staying and I felt terrible, later that night she got drunk with her roommate and sent me a text that she didn't want to be with out me and she'd forgive me. She showed up the next day unexpectantly and things were a little akward. After about a week or two later things started to change, we both kinda forgot about the incident and we really started to get close. I knew something had happened and could tell she didn't talk to him anymore.

 

About a month ago I noticed she deleted him off her facebook and which was the day she finally put that she was in a relationship with me, which always bothered me why she didn't. And ever since he left her life things have been great. Untill last night. Two nights ago we were pillow talking and some how past relationships got brought up, and she admitted somethings to me about something that happened between her 7 year ex and another guy. So that bothered me a little bit then the next day at work we got talking about it again and I knew there was more she hasn't told me about the other guy because when it did come up she always left out details and things never added up because it was odd to me he just disapeared like that. Finally at dinner the other night she goes, theres on more thing I haven't told you. Her eyes started watering and so did mine. I asked her if something happened between the two of them and she said yea, the night she helped him pack. She looked utterly devastated, I really could tell it was killing her to tell me. I just kinda sat there numb and played with my food for awhile because I had suddenly lost my appetite. We talked a little about it, she told me she wishes more than anything in the world she hadn't done it and I believe her. She said she wanted him for so long from when before we met and she finally got him and she felt guilty the whole time because of me. After wards she said he never called her or talked to her and it made her feel like trash and terrible that she was into a guy that would treat her like that.

 

I'm really confused on how I should act or what I should do, I'm currently pretty numb right now and I don't know if its fully hit in yet.

 

Do I let this go and give her another chance? The guy in question she no longer works with he moved and im 100% sure hes out of her life. She was into him before me and the feelings were there but I know they are gone now. She told me shed spend the rest of her life making it up to me, because thats how much she loves me and I know she does.

 

But the other side of me says, how does one cheat on her boyfriend when hes been absolutely perfect to her? We get a long so great and we make each other feel so good. My only imperfection was being suspicious and not trusting her by checking her messages but after the fact it turned out my suspicions were true....

Am I being a fool? I'm madly in love with her and the thought of not having her in my life even after this makes me sad and lonely If I do decide to break things off. What do I do, how should I act, I'm so confused and numb right now. I haven't shut her out yet but I'm worried I will.

Edited November 2, 2010 by doodman76

[4motion]

Sorry to hear about this.

 

I got a little confused by your message, but, here is my take.

 

Did this happen when you two were dating or knew of each other?

 

If you are 100% sure he is out of her life, and it happened before you two met - then she got a free pass on this one, let it go, because you were not part of her world at the time, and were not even something to be considered at that point.

 

If you two had been dating/in courtship - then I think she needs be left alone. She should not do anything with someone while in a dating or courtship phase with someone.

[doodman76]

We've been together for 4 months, this happened about 2 months ago.

[4motion]

So, it obviously occurred while you two were dating = not okay (in my opinion)

 

I would probably end the relationship, especially since you are not married.

 

The choice is ultimately yours, I personally would have a had time dealing with that. If it were me, I would have to end the relationship because it would always be in my mind that she boned some other dude while her and I were dating/courting. I would feel like I did not matter much to her, I was not significant enough to keep her from doing that.

 

But, if you can live with that and accept it as an accident or whatever, kudos to you - but remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

I cant tel you what to do, but, I think that in your heart you know what is the right card to play here.

[reservoirdog1]

I think it was pretty clear (that's just me, though) that it happened two months ago, after they'd been dating for two months. So I'm going to operate on that assumption.

 

Your relationship is now poisoned. By staying with her, you are sending her a critical message: that she can screw around on you and you'll still take her back. She had minimal respect for you when she fycked the other guy, and if you stay with her she'll continue to have minimal respect for you. Your self esteem will be in the toilet. And every time there's a call on her cell from a number you don't recognize, or she doesn't answer her phone when you call her, or she's out somewhere without you, you'll be suspicious. And you'll die a little bit inside.

 

Trust is a critical component in a relationship. And right now, much as you want to believe her, that's been shattered. One of the reasons it's critical is that each partner needs to know that they're "safe" in the relationship. Safe in many ways -- and also in the sense of being able to freely have sex with the other person without worrying about catching an STD. (BTW -- GET TESTED NOW. By continuing to have sex with you for the last two months while lying to you about her cheating, your GF has exposed you to anything the other guy had and gave to her. She's taken a gamble with your life and your health because she's selfish and couldn't keep her legs together around that guy.)

 

Dude... you're 24. Your life is just beginning. There are millions of women out there who WON'T jump on other guys' knobs just because they gives them momentary warm tinglies in their pants. And you've been with her for FOUR MONTHS. That's nothing. You have very little invested in the relationship. If she's going to cheat on you after you've been with her for TWO months, that says a hell of a lot about the longevity and future prospects of the relationship. Why on earth would you settle for a relationship that's already been dealt a crippling blow? The early months are supposed to be the honeymoon period... and she killed that by fycking the other guy.

 

Run like hell, man. It sounds like this is your first real heartbreak. It hurts like a sonofabitch, no doubt about it. And it will for awhile. Spend time with your friends, and tell them about what happened. They'll be an invaluable support. Within a couple of months, the great things you remember about your cheating GF will start to fade, start to seem less immediate and more like part of a previous chapter of your life. And in time, you'll find a better girl -- one who'll make you realize that you dodged a bullet by getting away from the current one.

 

Tuum est.

[reservoirdog1]

But, if you can live with that and accept it as an accident or whatever, kudos to you

4motion is right -- ultimately this will come down to what you're okay with, what you can accept, and what standard of behaviour you're willing to put up with from somebody you're trying to build a relationship with.

 

You're going to view it how you're going to view it. But IMHO, if you view it as an "accident", you're a fool. An "accident" would be where she tripped and landed on the OP's dick. What she did was intentional. She CHOSE to fyck him, and to betray you. Period. Never forget that.

[lisakoen]

I agree with dog1, Kick her to the curb gently, lol....

You're still very young and if you leave now you're also very smart. If you allow this now, then this pattern is going to continue for the rest of your life. Your choice. Your future, you deserve much better! Good luck!

[tman666]

By not dumping her you'll be showing her that you'll put up with anything. You'd be giving her the green light on that kind of behavior. She'll lose all respect for you (not that she had any for you to begin with, obviously). You'll constantly wonder what she's doing, who she's talking to, where she's at...

 

If you guys had been married for 15 years and had a couple of kids, you could perhaps entertain staying together. At 4 months though... Don't even worry about it, dude. Just tell her it's over and that she'll never see or hear from you again. No need for drama, big speeches, or anything. Just pull the plug. Lights out, baby.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

But the other side of me says, how does one cheat on her boyfriend when hes been absolutely perfect to her?

 

well thats the worst kind of cheater. cuz if they'll cheat thinking they have the perfect partner, then the simply just cheat to easily.

 

teach her a lesson, and save yourself...........dump her.

 

 

Am I being a fool?

 

if you stay with her, yes

 

I haven't shut her out yet but I'm worried I will.

 

you are worried you are going to shut out someone that has callously betrayed you. if she did it once, and on someone that is supposedly perfect for her, then she can...and will....do it again.

[redliner]

I agree with dog1 on this one, well said.

[Bryanp]

I would suggest strongly you end the relationship. You are in an exclusive relationship and she screws another man putting your health at risk for STD's. It also sounds like she would have continued if he had not discarded her. In addition, she had no problem lying to your face and turning it around on you even thinking she would cheat on you and you end up apologizing. You have a woman who has no problem cheating on you, lying to your face over and over again and trying to turn it all on you for not trusting her. You would be an absolutely fool to remain with her. Her actions indicate she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[TomerT]

Consider yourself lucky that you revealed about it only 4 months into relationship and not, say 4 years...It could be much worse. It's natural to feel "sad and lonely"...but if you will not leave her you will feel other much worse negative feelings for much longer time.

 

And no, she didn't love you. For sure..May be she thought or convinced her self that she did, but she didn't, otherwise she wouldn't sleep with other guy. Or at least, out of respect, would break from you first. She didn't do it either...So, she even doesn't respect you...

 

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/top-10-reasons-why-women-cheat-531143

 

My suggestion would be - leave her, cut all contacts with her right now. Grieve and heal. She has nothing to do with this process.

Today 1.5 months, I revealed my gf cheated on me. I leant a lot from this and have no regrets for not staying with her. Trust me, after few months - she will be nothing in your life. Give yourself a chance...

 

Now, I still think that we are human and we all do mistakes. May be, may be - she indeed did a terrible mistake and really sorry about it. Even in this case, you should give yourself time for yourself. She needs to prove to you not by words, but real actions that she really sorry about what she did (not the fact that she was caught)...Deleting this guy from Facebook - mean nothing !

[t0ri]

She said she wanted him for so long from when before we met and she finally got him and she felt guilty the whole time because of me. After wards she said he never called her or talked to her and it made her feel like trash and terrible that she was into a guy that would treat her like that.

 

What if he had called her afterward or talked to her?

 

But besides that, you guys have only been together 4 months, and after only 2, she cheated. I know you think breaking up with her now will only leave you hurt and lonely, and you love her madly, but you'd be saving yourself some future heartbreak, and it would be worth leaving sooner than later.

 

I think your "suspicious" tendencies, will worsen, along with your insecurities. You treated her wonderfully, and she stomped all over that. I'm glad she finally came clean with you about her infidelity, however.

 

I get that you love her, but you deserve love and respect in return, and being cheated on is receiving the opposite of those. It would take MUCH longer than the time you've already been dating her, to be able to get back to normal and not constantly worry about if she'll cheat, if that happened at all.

 

Cut your ties. Go no contact. Get out before you get in deeper. Good luck, and I'm sorry to hear you're enduring all of this period.

[Untouchable_Fire]

But the other side of me says, how does one cheat on her boyfriend when hes been absolutely perfect to her? We get a long so great and we make each other feel so good. My only imperfection was being suspicious and not trusting her by checking her messages but after the fact it turned out my suspicions were true....

Am I being a fool? I'm madly in love with her and the thought of not having her in my life even after this makes me sad and lonely If I do decide to break things off. What do I do, how should I act, I'm so confused and numb right now. I haven't shut her out yet but I'm worried I will.

 

She lied straight to your face and even flipped it back on you! Then continued to lie for months even after you had called her out on it.

 

Now you say she acts devastated.... acts being the key word. She clearly has the ability to fool you easily. Not because you don't know the truth... your gut instincts are solid, but instead because your willing to believe whatever she tells you.

 

This woman doesn't respect or value you. You weren't even worth a one night stand.

[TheMENemy]

Your lady is lacking in class.

[Dark-Farmer]

I thought I would post a reply because I was in a similiar position and I decided to stay. It is hard but I was able to forgive and eventually forget. We have been back together for over a year.

 

There were a couple details to my story that are different to yours that made things easier though.

1. She actually broke up with me before sleeping with the OM. Some ppl may think that this wouldn't matter, but the fact she was honest didn't lie or try to cover it up or turn it around on me made it much easier to rebuild trust.

2. We had been seeing each other for a year before so there was more there.

 

Number one was a biggy though. But honestly you have to do what feels right. Not just what's easiest. But also you should take a really good look at yourself. If this is going to haunt you and eat away at you, and you wont be able to truly let it go do not force it. I wish you luck.

[mysticmeg1]

im really sorry to hear of this.. the same thing happened to me a while back.. but listen there are a few factors in your thread that seem odd.. didn't you say she wanted to take things slow after getting out of a 7 year relationship?? does it not worry you that this work friend of hers text her immediatley when he was single?? and another thing if she truley cared for you she shouldn't of kept it from you for so long if this was true love the guilt would eat her up inside she wouldn't even be able to face you and carry on like normal...this isn't right!! you surely deserve more than your settling for here..i know im prob not making you feel any better but you should definitley think twice about getting back with her.... im a girl and from my expeirence its hard to forget these things you won't be able to trust her a 100% and you'll end up torturing yourself in the long run!! wondering will she ever stray again if your not good enough for her.. i get really annoyed when girls flip it on their boyfriends like this if you cheated and get caught own up dont lie and wriggle out of it...its pathetic!! nobody should commit to a relationship if they find it that easy to cheat and not think twice..please keep your dignity and walk away!

[seibert253]

My God man, you were only going out for 2 months and she hoped in the sack with some other dude?

 

Dude you've only got 4 months wasted. Be thankful this happened now, not after you've been married and had kids.

 

If there are no consequences for her actions, down the road she'll think it's OK, I got away with it before. By then you may be married and have kids.

 

I'm on the dump her side with this one.

[BrokenArrow1987]

You could keep it together if you ok with laying the smack down on a woman, i don't know how else you would be able to deal with it.

 

btw: I was making a point, no one should actually beat their girlfriend.

Edited November 4, 2010 by BrokenArrow1987

[Dexter Morgan]

Your lady is lacking in class.

 

lady.....???

[jnj express]

She said she had wanted him---so she got him

 

You have to know that her spreading her legs for the other guy---was planned---it didn't just happen

 

She went over to his place---she shut off her phone--she lied to you---she kept it all quiet----It was a planned little escapade---she wanted him, and she gave herself to him---didn't matter that she was going out with you

 

You got a gift, you know what she is---its time to move on

 

Forget her tears, and her pathetic--I love you, and will do anything---THOSE WORDS NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD TO BE SAID

 

Get on with your life, and from now on don't jump into the sack so quickly with someone you know nothing about.

[wicar1]

Dump her dude....she will do it again and again.

[sweetestchik163]

I am in the same predicament as you .. I decided to stay because at the end of the day no one is perfect and the relationship is still relatively new. Now this isnt an excuse but its the reason why I took my boyfriend back. Things have been much better and we both learned from the experience and are actually much stronger than what we were before. My opinion honestly is that many people cheat atleast one time in their lives. Its all about what you do after its happened that should be looked upon. I hope everything goes well for you guys and if you decide to leave her just know that there are many fish in the sea.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am in the same predicament as you .. I decided to stay because at the end of the day no one is perfect and the relationship is still relatively new.

 

nobody is perfect, but someone who cheats has a character flaw that indicates a desire to bone someone new and exciting. IMO, that part of a person's character never truly goes away