I think he cheated on me. He denies it...but won't talk to me.

[Confused9]

Some of you may remember me, some of you won't but 3 years ago, my fiance of 4 years/boyfriend of 7 left me for the other woman and coincidentally got married 7 months later and had a baby 11 months later. He left me with a boat load of debt and I was devastated. A year ago I met someone and he knew everything about my past as I told him and I obvi was scared to get in to a relationship but I did it and we struggled in the beginning but had never been happied. Until Friday when...

 

He broke up with me. I am completely devastated and heartbroken, I can't believe I am here again. I can't even explain how happy we were and this all came out of left feild. Pretty sure he cheated but he denies it to the end. Here's the story. I CAN'T do this again!!!

 

I got a message on FB that my boyfriend was planning to have s*x tonight (Thursday) and he bought condoms from the store after work from a Joann Smith who then deleted her facebook. I confronted him. He denied it. Was like begging me to hear him out. I looked on his phone and saw that he had called someone named Nicole at some point, didn't look when if it was Thursday or before or what and asked him who she was. He said she was some girl who lived at an apartment in a town close by and was a customer of his that he knew from a few years ago when he worked there that had come back in to his store recently. He said she had a kid and is a 'los*r'. So I left work and met him at my house. I asked him to look at his phone again and the phonecall to Nicole was gone. I asked what happened to it and he was like what. I don't know what you are talking about. Completely denying it even existed. So in a blackberry if you go to the phonebook, the last person you looked up will be there and suer enough it was 'Nicole'. I was so cnfused and was like who is she, call her. So he called her and I took the phone and I swore someone picked up but didn't say anything. So I had him call her back and he was like: 'Hey Nicole, it's XX, sorry to call you so late but confused9 seems to think we are messing around and that was it about her. I went in to my house and checked his bank statement and didn't see anything to do with a pharmacy charge but there was a charge for a liquour store for 14.00 where he said he bought beer and gum cause him and his friend were plannign on hanging out that night. He was at my house for like 5 hours (till 4 AM) and he was swearing he didn't do anything and all that and saying I was his soul mate, etc, he practically had an anxiety attack and we ended up going in to my room and started making out and then we slept together and it was amazing and he was like I am so in love with you and blah blah blah. Then Friday he sent me flowers but I was still questioning him and everything and he got mad and was like I can't believe you are questioning me after I sent you flowers (um?) so we got in to a fight and he hung up on me. So when I got home from work I asked if he was coming over still and he said no cause he had a headache and didn't feel good and I said if you don't come here we are over and he said I don't feel good and I can't take your trust issues (um, I didn't have trust issues until this!!!). Then he finally said he'd come over and when he did he broke up with me saying that he'd been having doubts for a few months and that he was going to sound like and @sshole but it's becasue of my family issues (all my siblings are heroin @ddicts so this causes a lot of stress and unhappiness) and my insecurities about love. (My ex used the same thing about my family and the new b/f knew that and knew how uspet it made me!!!!) So we went back and forth and I was in shock and I packed his sh*t and he was crying and he was like I'm sorry just give me some time. I still want to be friends with you, etc. I was like I don't want to be friends with you I hate you. So he tried to storm off and came back and was like confused9, please just give me some time to clear my head (token cheater reference). Anyway, so he left and he had his work van and my friends drove by his house later and it wasn't there so they asked where it could be and I said prob at the apt building he said Nicole lived) and sure enough, it was there.

 

When I asked him about the van he said that another coworker borrowed it and he was at that apt complex cause he is sleeping with another coworker who lives there. I then explained that my roomate walked outside when he was in my house talking and didn't see anyone in the van and he said that the kid was black and it was dark so she wouldn't have seen him. (omgggggggggggggggggggg, what a terrible excuse!!!)

 

So a bunch of my friends texted him or called him or whatever and were like you are making the biggest mistake of your life, how can you do this to her or whatever and he got mad about that saying tell your friends to leave me alone. (First of all, I didn't even ask them to contact him but what right does he have to get mad that people are calling him out fopr being such an @sshole?) So, I texted him Sat and he was denying it still and told me he didn't have time to talk about this. Blah blah and was being so weird/mean. Like not like himself at all. I texted him again and said I love you and he was like I love you too I just need some time. I talked to his mom and she said on Tuesday he was talking about buying me an engagement ring and now he doesn't want to be with me and has been having doubts? He hasn't been having doubts. We just celebrated our 1 year. He planned the whole day, took me on a hay ride, pumpkin picking and to dinner at a really nice Italian restuarant and was planning all the stuff he was going to buy me for Christmas, telling all my friends, etc.

 

So, I texted him Sunday and he was just like I need time to choose and I was like choose what and he's like not choose, decide and I just don't get what the f*ck happened. His mom said he was mopping around and was on the phone and she was listening in on the convo from the b/room standing in the tub (haha) and he said he was devastated but he doesn't see how I'll ever trust him. But he won't talk to her and he deleted all his status updates and all my posts from his page. I deleted him from my friends and all our pictures but still, I did it cause I didn't want to look at him anymore. I just don't know what happened.

 

I did't text him yesterday, as hard as it was. I just can't believe I am back here again. A month ago, I was posting how I was so happy and blah blah about being a success story and now my heart is broken, again. I know I need to go NC but with my ex we were together for 7 years and the relationship had gone sour, with tis new guy things were better than ever, and i am not just saying that through my rose colored glasses. We were so in love!

 

I don't think I can do this again. All I want is for him to come back but he's caused so much damage. I don't think it will ever be the same. We have been so happy! WTF?

 

I just can't understand why this keeps happeneing to me.

 

HELP!

[iheartboobs]

I don't know if your guy is cheating (though, it kind of looks like it), but if you're wondering why this keeps happening to you, I think I can help.

 

It probably has nothing to do with you.

 

I have a lot of guy friends, and, besides myself, I don't think any of them would not cheat on a girl they were with if they had the opportunity and thought they wouldn't get caught. It's just how we're wired and it sucks. I know guys who are married and/or in love and they wouldn't hesitate. I know guys who can't get girls and would fall on their knees and thank God if they had a girlfriend... and even if that girlfriend was perfect in every way, they'd cheat on her in a second if they thought they could get away with it. Women cheat because they're unhappy with their lover in some way, men cheat because they can.

 

Not all guys are like that. When I was married, pretty much every girl my wife made friends with flirted with me, most made it clear I could have them if I wanted, and a few would even drop by while my wife was at work to drop subtle (and sometimes much less subtle) hints that they were ready and willing... but I never cheated. I don't mean to brag about how great I am (though, I am), I just don't want you to lose all hope. Good, honest, loyal guys are, I believe, a very small minority and will be hard to find, but we are out there.

 

If your man cheated on you, lose him, he's a cheater. He'll say he cheated on you because you made him unhappy in some way, but that's not the truth. You could have been a perfect woman and done everything right, and he still would have cheated the first time he'd had the opportunity. That's just what cheaters do.

[Confused9]

The thing is, he's been cheated on before and when he was getting me to 'breadk down my wall' he was like I will never hurt you, blah blah blah and now he's hurt me more than anyone. We were SO happy and I kept like pinching myself asking how it was possible for me to feel so in love with someone. He shared my feelings and would talk about me all the time and was planning to propose. Now this? It doesn't make sense. I can't believe I am here, asking the same ?'s again and going through the same shat. I thought he was the one.

 

Now, I think I'm forever ruined.

 

The sick thing is: I want him back so baaaaaaaaaaad! But the ball is in his court and again, I sit here pining away for someone who is acting like a complete @sshole to me. WTF?

[habs53]

The thing is, he's been cheated on before and when he was getting me to 'breadk down my wall' he was like I will never hurt you, blah blah blah and now he's hurt me more than anyone. We were SO happy and I kept like pinching myself asking how it was possible for me to feel so in love with someone. He shared my feelings and would talk about me all the time and was planning to propose. Now this? It doesn't make sense. I can't believe I am here, asking the same ?'s again and going through the same shat. I thought he was the one.

 

Now, I think I'm forever ruined.

 

The sick thing is: I want him back so baaaaaaaaaaad! But the ball is in his court and again, I sit here pining away for someone who is acting like a complete @sshole to me. WTF?

Actually, i think the ball is in your court.

[iheartboobs]

The thing is, he's been cheated on before and when he was getting me to 'breadk down my wall' he was like I will never hurt you, blah blah blah and now he's hurt me more than anyone. We were SO happy and I kept like pinching myself asking how it was possible for me to feel so in love with someone. He shared my feelings and would talk about me all the time and was planning to propose. Now this? It doesn't make sense. I can't believe I am here, asking the same ?'s again and going through the same shat. I thought he was the one.

 

Now, I think I'm forever ruined.

 

The sick thing is: I want him back so baaaaaaaaaaad! But the ball is in his court and again, I sit here pining away for someone who is acting like a complete @sshole to me. WTF?

 

It makes perfect sense because, like I said, men aren't like women. If he cheated on you it wasn't because you did something wrong or because he didn't love you, he did it because he could. Maybe he does love you as much as he claimed (though, personally, I don't believe anyone could cheat on someone they truely loved... at least, I couldn't), and maybe he had (has?) every intention of getting married to you, but the opportunity to cheat is all the motivation a man who will cheat needs.

 

You're not forever ruined. It hurts. It sucks. As you know, it's going to hurt and suck for a while, too. Things get better, though. You were in your last relationship for 7 years... do you still want that guy? Are you still pining away for him? I'd guess not. You've only been with this last guy for 1 year... it'll get better. Be thankful this jerk didn't waste 7 years of your life like the last one.

 

Good luck.

[bassplayertn]

I am so sorry to hear about the place you are in. I understand it and want to add what I see. Even if he didn't physically cheat, he is not focused on you and you are doing yourself a dis-service continuing to hope for him. Think of yourself as a better person and take care of yourself. You are not ruined, you are powerful. Use your power and choose to be happy and choose to rock the world.

 

I should listen to my own advice.....

 

I know how it is to want someone who will not return it. I think you should make the effort to not want him..... Maybe he will start wanting you once you stop making yourself so easy for him to do as he wishes with........ Men like a challenge..... Even though I think you should give yourself space and heal yourself and play hard to get with someone else later.... much later

[Confused9]

habs,

 

how do you think the ball is in my court? he told me not to talk to him? everytime I texted, he responded unlike my ex. But, now after a day, he's not missing me, or at least doesn't seem to be.

 

Iheart - I was with the other for 7 years, but I loved this one more. It was a better relationshp than I had with my exfiance. It was just better all around...until.

 

Now, all I want is him back. How can I make him love me again? (omg, I can't believe I am actualyl saying this again!!!)

 

Bass - this just blows so bad. I really thought I was going to marry this guy. He tricked me.

[willowthewisp]

Confused,

 

I know you are very upset right now, I think both of you need time to calm down. Is he cheating on you? I don't know. What I do know is that the two of you had a huge fight, his mom told you had been speaking about asking you to marry him and then he came home and was accused of cheating. If in fact he has not cheated and maybe deleted this numer because he knew it would cause a row (not sensible, or honest so still not great, but possible) then he may just be very upset and rethinking his decision to propose.

 

I think and this is just my opinion, maybe you should write him a letter (not an email, a text) a hand written letter in the the good old snail mail, it's leass often done today and so he will probably read it. Tell him you are sorry, admit that you MAY be wrong and that perhaps your history has influenced your reaction which if that is the case you will be willing to work on. Now I knoe you probably don't want to say sorry, espically if you are right and he cheated, but one step at a time, this about getting to a place where the two of you can talk calmly, not saving face. If it turns out he cheated you can blast him later. Right now, make it clear you understand why he is upset, don't argue with him on his feelings, that will only make them stronger. Tell him you will give him as long as he needs and then when he is ready you two should sit down and see if you can't resolve this, you love him and don't wnat this to end something that was very special to both of you.

[Confused9]

I did send him a response sort of like that on Sunday and he said he needs time so I feel that anymore communication to him will just ruin it.

 

The thing is, he is doing so much damage to us right now and my opinion of him and how he is that it may not be worth it to even do anything but move on.

 

The thing is, i have been used and abused by everyone I've ever loved, including my family, and my other ex and the newest one is doing the same shat. He got caught doing somethign wrong and instead of manning up or working through it with me to try and fix it, he uses some bogus excuse as to what his issues were, lies to me about what I did to cause him to want 'space' and then turned everything aroun to make me think this is my fault.

 

Now he's acting as if he is all happy and stuff while I am crying, not eating, not sleeping and shaking from teh inside out.

 

He left me alone to deal with this while he's just shutting me out. He's ruining us. Perhaps that's his point...I'm telling you we were FINE. FINE. the day before. Now he needs space? Bull sh*t!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Actually, i think the ball is in your court.

 

There was nothing to be confused about here! What forum member Habs has said is the truth....."the ball is in your court"!

 

You may rant about how he doesn't want to talk to you, or you don't want to talk to him ect. ect. ect But conversation and talk is just one little part of the whole "ball is in your court" process.

 

You don't need to talk to him at all, ever, for you to react and respond to the ball being in your court. You can just take it for what it is and make the choice to walk away. You can make the choice to feel bad for the guy and welcome back with open arms. You can make the choice to leave things "as is" and live with it. This is all about the ball being in your court, so many choices to choose from, so many different ways one can run with the ball.

 

Maybe a little something that I have described here is what Habs was talking about!

[ReturnToSender]

Wow you sound a lot like me a year ago... suffice it to say, so many similarities. I was such a wreck, and now in hindsight I can say that much of what everyone here is saying is spot on.

 

Yeah, all one can feel is helpless and just want to get him back, and it does feel like hes the one who needs to make a move, but its really so true, the ball is in your court. It took me about 7 months to finally really figure that part out and I really hope that you realize it sooner than I did, cause those felt like the most painful months of my life, and it could have been avoided in part if I was as focused on myself as I was on him, what he had done, and what happened to our relationship. Please dont work yourself into a frenzy like I did!!

[Confused9]

It certainly feels like the ball is in his court. He said he needs time and I am waiting like an idiot. This does not make sense.he seemed so happy, now he's just done? I can't contact him, he told me not too. I hate this ****!

 

I keep thinking to myself that he's different and isn't capable of doing this like some idiot! I am trying to protect his feelings before mine. I've been through this before. I always thought that would give me some sort of leg up should it happen again, but nope. It almost hurts worse!!! I'm defo more devastated. Wtf is wrong with him?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Wtf is wrong with him?

 

I hate to sound like I'm coming off as some sort of prick here, but WTF is wrong with you? The ball is most defiantly in your court, so whats the problem? The man is acting and giving every example that things are over, so whats there to trip out on, move on and walk away.

 

If this guy doesn't want to be a part of you, or your life anymore than that's his choice. Yeah...his choice might not be the most logical or wise, or sound, or even justified, but it is his choice never the less.

 

What ever has lead him to make either these "good" or "bad" choices for himself is irrelevant, the fact is that he wants out. Now what are you going to do about it?

 

I know break up's on any level are hard, I should know, I went through my own break up called a divorce close to 3 years ago. I know it sucks, it's rotten stuff, it's foul......but things eventually get better down the road. You just have to come to grips that it takes "two to dance", if your man doesn't want to join you on the dance floor of life, then you can't dance!

 

Time to move on, you just have to kick it where it burns, shake it off, walk it off and you will be better.

 

Remember, you are the only you that you get to have for the rest of your life! Don't waste it by waiting for something like this, move on, live, love, life.................

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah..dont wait around on him. My ex even thanked me repeatedly for being so patient with him. A few months after our breakup I finally flipped out on him and told him I was tired of being patient, cause look what it got me...an ex bf who was grateful I was patient enough to let him do whatever he wanted while keeping me on the back-burner! He was so offended when I said that LoL! But its true. Why wait around on him, hes living out his life, you need to live out yours too.

 

And I can tell you, the longer you hold out for him, the less he will respect or want you...because on one hand its unnerving that theres someone out there whose life and happiness depends on them, and on the other hand you are at his disposal, which isnt a good place to be. The moment you start concentrating on yourself, your perception will take a major upswing. As a matter of fact, forget about the ball...chances are he isnt even aware there is one.

[Confused9]

You're right. i'm done. Feck him.

 

It's just amazing how things can change in a day. IT's hard not to feel completely blindesided and tricked.

 

I just hate that he gets to be happy and with someone else and I get left in the dust. If he even is with someone else? Ugh, IDK.

[HopelessinDTW]

You're right. i'm done. Feck him.

 

It's just amazing how things can change in a day. IT's hard not to feel completely blindesided and tricked.

 

I just hate that he gets to be happy and with someone else and I get left in the dust. If he even is with someone else? Ugh, IDK.

 

Sorry to read about your situation...most here on LS like me...are men who get cheated on...yet your thoughts and emotions are much like I felt a few months ago. I can also relate to how you feel do much hate...perhaps jealousy..that "he's happy, and with someone else and I get left in the dust"...Well, don't worry about that...his happiness will be short lived, and he'll be back to being unhappy in no time. In the mean time, DO NOT let what he did to you dictate YOUR happiness. You need to detach NOW, and live your life for yourself. He's a piece of pond scum who will get what he deserves...just let karma work it's trick.

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah, karma is a you know what... Im sure my ex was happy for a hot second there, but thats about how long it lasted it seems. Within weeks of our breakup people were telling me it probably wont be long before he comes back around to me because he was so miserable, always going off on the last thing this girl did or some argument they had.

 

Of course at this time I was way too much of an angry/hurt/wreck to be much of anything to come back to LoL! But yeah, he was pretty forward about it still that he wanted to see and spend time with me. I once got fed up and told him to leave me alone, he chose what makes him happy go out with her, and he went off on a rant saying hes anything but happy, every day he wakes up feeling like hes going to have a stroke. I woudlnt have even given that much of a thought except that he developed a really bad facial tick from stress.

 

You need to concentrate on you, dont wish him anything bad and try not to hold any grudges, cause you know, karma is karma both ways. Just do your best to live your life and do whats right for you...

[Confused9]

I do everything right in life. I'd like to know who's karma I am getting.

 

I mean, I am not perfect but my ex didn't seem to get much karma from what he did and it was baaaaaaaaaaaad. Now this, what the h*ll did i do to deserve this? #!@$#!$#

[ReturnToSender]

I cant say Ive done everything right, but I definitely do try my best and for sure I know I didnt deserve how all my relationships have come to an end... thats something Im personally dealing with and struggling with so I really cant answer that part, all I know is Im going to keep on living and trying...

 

As for him, its not instant (wouldnt that be nice! Lol) but yeah, it was a couple months before I found out things werent good with him and this girl. They ended up staying together almost a year, just broke up recently and I really dont know any details about it, but I guess it was pretty nasty. Friends have said he has told them flat out not to mention her name unless he wants it to be their last conversation.

 

Before I knew about that, I was invited to something I knew hed be at, and I did contact him to see if she would be there. I havnt seen them together and have no desire to...he replied saying hed like it if I came, and sees no reason why she would be there and for me not to bring that up again or worry about her being around. Sooooo....yeah.

[FanFan]

He is having fun with Nicole now. Maybe he will regret it and ask you to take him back a month from now. Since you're so desperate to take him back and if you do, he will be faithful until Nancy shows up, and then Jennifer and then Lisa, etc.

 

Will you actually EVEN consider taking him back and marrying him after this? Seriously?????