Extremely Depressed, Nothing's Going Right & No Support

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am just so miserable right now I cannot even describe. With everything.

 

So much is going wrong.

 

Feel like I am not even me anymore, it's like this is happening to someone else. I just can't cope feeling this way anymore.

 

I have no support network at all, feel very isolated. My family are not behind me in anything. They do not care about me and do not live local.

 

Could do with some support on here tonight if anyone is listening, thanks.

 

I really have no one else to turn to.

[skydiveaddict]

I feel like you do too. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through. Almost everyone goes through this at some point. You are not alone believe me. Believe in yourself and you will make it. You may benefit from therapy too, so don't be afraid to get help

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down H. It's also this time of year, weather changing, soon we lose that hour of daylight..Probably adding to your low mood.

 

Therapy is a good thing if you're open to it.

 

I'm on and off LS tonight, but please, keep posting your thoughts, get it out if it'll help make you feel better.

[stopthemadness]

I am just so miserable right now I cannot even describe. With everything.

 

So much is going wrong.

 

Feel like I am not even me anymore, it's like this is happening to someone else. I just can't cope feeling this way anymore.

 

I have no support network at all, feel very isolated. My family are not behind me in anything. They do not care about me and do not live local.

 

Could do with some support on here tonight if anyone is listening, thanks.

 

I really have no one else to turn to.

Hi, so sorry for your pain.I want to tell you that everyone here on the LS has been just where you are. It helps to read eachother threads and know that these kinds of things happen to everyone at some point or another in there lives. You dont say much about how long you were together or why you broke up. But never the less we are here to support you. (Big Hug) Feel better..JESUS LOVES YOU...

[beyondhope]

dear heartbroken,

i wanted to also tell you that i've been in a place (more than once) where i felt like there was no hope.

 

have you ever felt like this before? have you ever been in a place before that was very sad or lonely? if so, what did you do to cope? was it helpful?

 

at times like these, focusing on something comforting can help you to get past the worst of it. drink tea, watch a movie, take a shower, read a gossip magazine...it's okay to focus on yourself for a while, and take some time away from your regular activities if you need to.

 

also, although it may feel strange to do this, there are some really great places you can call if you're feeling down. i know it doesn't make up for a support system, but right now you have to focus on yourself and your own needs before you can start building that support. i've called a suicide hotline before--they're available 24 hours a day, it's free, and they're there for when you don't have anyone else to talk to.

 

then, once you feel strong enough to go out in the world again, think about joining some sort of support group...i don't know what your story is, but depending on your needs, there's all sorts of groups out there with people who are struggling with similar issues.

 

best of luck; you aren't alone in the world...we are all human, and all feel lonely and isolated at some time.

 

paz y luz,

 

bh

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Thanks for the support guys - I am here now after a long shower, feeling a bit more refreshed at least.

 

This is not the first time I have been so low, I do tend to let things affect me really badly and also suffer from depression sometimes, right now I feel like I am engulfed by my low mood.

 

WWIU - in the UK the clocks went back on Sunday so I already have SAD on top of everything else, there's no hope for me, lol.

 

Everything is just on such a downward spiral for me.

 

Every area of my life is suffering right now.

 

It is not just regarding a break up. My LS name was created a couple of years ago and reflected my original reason for joining the site, when I was involved with the love of my life - a married man who suddenly abandoned me. Still breaks my heart even now though, and is part of the depression now rather than the main reason.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

BH - thank you for your post, yes I have felt this low before, in fact - even lower. When I get in this state nothing feels enjoyable anymore, well - apart from comfort eating which I am finding hard to control right now.

 

Here are a few of the issues I am dealing with right now:

 

- Isolation from friends and family.

 

- Coping with memories of my childhood filled with domestic violence, alcohol abuse by my father, emotional, psychological and physical abuse towards me. Isolation from other kids throughout most of my school days.

 

- Cold feet about my recent engagement.

 

- My fiance is in Iraq until June 2011, I feel I cannot wait 7 months until I can talk to him about my issues with our relationship. Yet inappropriate to mention anything whilst he is in a war zone with enough stresses of his own. But I just feel trapped having to put my life on hold for 7 more months.

 

- Recent contact from the married man I used to be involved with and never stopped loving, confusing me even further and making me feel very guilty.

 

- Loss of my job, forced out. It was my one bit of stability in this area that I ended up moving to.

 

- Major rift between me and one of my sisters, and her turning others against me. I just want to make our relationship work and she won't play ball.

 

- Constantly being run down with one virus after another - I seem to get at least one illness every 3 months which involves me having to spend 1 week in bed. I am actually ill with something right now.

 

- Money worries now I have no job. Also feel ashamed that I have ended up like this.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

When I say isolation from friends and family, the latest example that is hurting me to the core is:

 

I have lived away from 'home' for the past 5 years and my parents have not been up to see me once despite them knowing the severe difficulties I have faced, and that I'm suffering from depression with no support network. Yet they moved away from my sisters in July this year (they had always lived at home with them until that time) and they have been to visit my sisters 3 times in 4 months! My parents live about 150 miles away from myself and my sisters so distance is equal and blatantly not the issue.

 

It is so unfair.

 

It seems I am isolated in this town all on my own and facing an uphill struggle all the time, whilst they are all in cahoots.

 

I cannot tell you all how much that destroys me. It also makes me feel very angry - I want to punch and kick objects, I actually exploded and did just this about 2 weeks ago.

 

How can I love myself if my own parents don't love me?

 

Today I also cannot stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, to top it off I have had one of my sisters turn on me as she does not understand my depression and how it makes me lash out at others sometimes. I seem to be pushing people who potentially want to help me further and further away.

[Els]

Firstly, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you cannot rely on your family for emotional support. Some people can... lots more can't. The longer you keep trying and inevitably failing, the worse you're going to make things for yourself. You've given them enough chances to be family; they've failed you. Stop trying to rely on them and find others to love you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Firstly, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you cannot rely on your family for emotional support. Some people can... lots more can't. The longer you keep trying and inevitably failing, the worse you're going to make things for yourself. You've given them enough chances to be family; they've failed you. Stop trying to rely on them and find others to love you.

 

It is very difficult though, especially when I see they treat me differently to how they treat my sisters. I try to remember why they have chosen to pick on me, exclude me, not be there for me. Why I was the target for them.

 

Granted my parents are not exactly supportive of my sisters either, but they are treated much better than I ever was. I had to bear the brunt of pretty much all the domestic violence and name calling etc. They very seldom got it. But to watch it happen to me and the fact that they didn't feel safe at home means that their childhood was not a bed of roses either. But it really hurts that it's like I don't exist to my parents. Ok so my sisters get crumbs from them but at least it's better than getting nothing at all.

 

Trying to find others to love me has proven difficult. Check out my previous threads!!!

 

And now that I actually have a guy who DOES love me, I have cold feet and just don't feel I can follow through and marry him. I hate myself for thinking that. It's not him, it's definitely me. I am very unfulfilled right now with only having met him 4 times in real life, him being in Iraq until June '11, and having to move from the UK to the States to actually be with him. So my life is crap here in the UK but moving to the States to a small village where his family would take over our lives does not seem appealing either.

[rebeccajones]

Maybe you could talk to t therapist. I think that would help alot. I'm sure you have alot to be happy about that you are not seeing. I hope that you feel better asap.

[Els]

I really apologize for not having the time to read your previous threads, but I'd just like to reply with a few words here.

 

Don't ask why you were mistreated. There is never an excuse for mistreating a child. The fault lies solely with them and not you. It isn't A's fault that a meteor landed on his house while B's is spick and span. Be glad you are now of an age when you can be completely independent of your parents and free of all the mistreatment, and enjoy the fact.

 

I sympathize re: the LDR; LDRs are tough even for those of us in good circumstances and no history of depression, and I salute you for rising to the challenge. However, I think you're thinking very black-and-whitely regarding this issue. If you're having cold feet, the logical thing to do would be to postpone the marriage. That way you can still love each other but you can take your time and not have to make big decisions before sorting things out properly.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I really apologize for not having the time to read your previous threads, but I'd just like to reply with a few words here.

 

Don't ask why you were mistreated. There is never an excuse for mistreating a child. The fault lies solely with them and not you. It isn't A's fault that a meteor landed on his house while B's is spick and span. Be glad you are now of an age when you can be completely independent of your parents and free of all the mistreatment, and enjoy the fact.

 

I sympathize re: the LDR; LDRs are tough even for those of us in good circumstances and no history of depression, and I salute you for rising to the challenge. However, I think you're thinking very black-and-whitely regarding this issue. If you're having cold feet, the logical thing to do would be to postpone the marriage. That way you can still love each other but you can take your time and not have to make big decisions before sorting things out properly.

 

That's ok, no worries - I didn't really expect you to read all my archives haha!

 

Well with the LDR, because my fiance is in Iraq right now I cannot discuss my cold feet with him - do you see why? He is in a war zone and does not need the extra stress.

 

I am however finding it such a strain trying to keep this to myself, not sure I can make it until June next year. I feel I am living a lie, I can't even bear to talk to him online in the evenings, all it is is just small talk, nothing deep and meaningful. I am just not being satisfied at all. As one of my friends put it, although we are engaged, there is actually no relationship there right now which is true. A relationship is not meant to be like this. It's almost like this is make believe. A fantasy. How can anyone be satisfied with making small talk online for 2 hours every evening? That does not constitute a relationship by any means. This is the only way we communicate. You know - I used to be disgusted by people who cheated whilst their partner was away in the army but now I can see why it would happen, people have needs and need a real life human being in their lives.

[Els]

Regarding that, I think your fiance is a big man and should be able to handle mature relationship conversations despite being in the army. I know people who have served in wars; some have had their gfs break up with them while at war, some found out they were cheated on, etc. Their comrades rallied around them, and they lived and learned. It's noble to want to shelter someone during times of trial and not burden them, but at what cost to yourself? Will you suffer depression for the next 7 months? It would be different if it was a short-term thing, but in this case you're just being overly altruistic. Better to talk now than for him to come back to find out you'd really checked out ages ago, or that you'd cheated on him.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Regarding that, I think your fiance is a big man and should be able to handle mature relationship conversations despite being in the army. I know people who have served in wars; some have had their gfs break up with them while at war, some found out they were cheated on, etc. Their comrades rallied around them, and they lived and learned. It's noble to want to shelter someone during times of trial and not burden them, but at what cost to yourself? Will you suffer depression for the next 7 months? It would be different if it was a short-term thing, but in this case you're just being overly altruistic. Better to talk now than for him to come back to find out you'd really checked out ages ago, or that you'd cheated on him.

 

Hmm unsure what to do - mixed opinions from people with regards to whether I talk about my cold feet now or when he gets back.

 

I also don't know whether to even upset the apple cart at all, if I end up losing him then I may never meet another suitable partner who can offer me marriage/children. It may be the biggest mistake of my life if I don't marry him. I would not want to regret anything.

 

Another issue I have is that when you talk online, it can be hard to interpret the tone of a message and to express yourself properly. Relationship matters should be discussed face to face. Even talking on the phone is not an option as when we have tried that before it is such a bad signal that we lose about 50% of the conversation and give up in the end.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Also he has had to cope with news that his Dad is very sick with cancer whilst he is over there and he cannot be with his family at this difficult time, therefore I would feel like the biggest arsehole ever to cause my fiance further pain during his time over there. It must be one of the most difficult things ever - being away from those he loves when they need him. I feel so useless on top of everything else.

[Els]

Ah, I see. That makes it different, then.

 

I'm sorry; it seems like all the worst possible things are happening at one time in your life, and you may ask, Why me?

 

I went through that period once before. Ironically, the thing that made me feel better was when I was posted to the paediatric cancer ward in my rotations.

 

I emerged a changed person, very content with my life.

[Tractor]

Heartbroken

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. Nothing in my life seems to be going my way either. My mom and dad havent really been on my team for over 2 decades. My mom cares but she listens to my dad who dosent give a ***** about me. I havent talked to them about this. My sister is about 1200 miles away and has her hands full herself. My brother is my only support, and he is in Afganistan. He Skyped me a couple of weeks ago and we talked a bit,but not much he can do from there. I would suggest some councleing(sp) I was in a war zone in the 80s and I know that is not the news I would want to get. Please dont take this as an expert opinion. Talking to him about it may be a must in your case. I know from my battle experience and from my brothers that that is the hardest job in the world. You may or may not agree with the politics of the war.We still owe them some solid support. Seek out some qualified help on the decision to talk to him about how you feel. As others here have told me it will get better. Wishing you all the best.

Tractor

[worlybear]

Hey I am in Britain and jobless too. I absolutely understand how your self esteem is affected. You sound very isolated. Have you thought about offering to do some voluntary work ? Check out websites locally- you may find that offering something as simple as friendship to another may give your days a focus and give you some insight into your LDR relationship. Sometimes it helps the situation to be busy doing other things.Hugs.:bunny:.