Very concerned about girlfriend/relationship. Insecurity, jealousy, depression...

[Guest]

I'll try to keep this as short and concise as possible, and will further expand on certain things if asked.

 

First, some background info. My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I am 24, she is 19, and we have been together for about 2 1/2 years. She lives about 6 hours away, and I go to see her 1-2 times a month, usually 2. I generally stay for 3-4 days at her house, and sometimes she's comes back with me and stays for a week or two. The 2-4 week droughts in between visits are rough, but we make due and see each other quite often, I think, for a LDR. During the interim we talk every night, thanks to the glory of nationwide long distance and free nights and weekends.

 

Now, to the problems. She suffers from fairly extreme low-self esteem, which is what I believe is the root of all of our problems. She had what I consider to be a pretty unforgiving "raising" by her parents. Not because they didn't try to be good parents, but more so that they just don't seem to realize a lot of what they did wrong. She had a lot of put-downs from both parent growing up, repeatedly being told she was "worthless" and would "end up pregnant and a high school drop-out", among other gems of wisdom. I have had talks with her mother about this, and she claims that much of it either wasn't said, or was used as motivation.

 

That being said, after every conversation I've had with her mom, she really does seem to be loving and wants her daughter to succeed, but just doesn't realize the right way to go about it. Recently her parents were divorced, and her mom is now remarried and living with her husband, as my girlfriend is living at their old house alone. She will be moving in with them shortly, but has been living alone for about 3 months now. Also, she has been shoved by her father and even resorted to locking herself in the bedroom and calling the police on him in one instance.

 

One other low-self esteem inducing event was her previous boyfriend to me, who she was with for almost 2 years. She was hospitalized due to an illness once, and rather that attend to her, he decided to cheat on her at a party instead. He also constantly would address the "hotness" of other girls and/or their body parts in her presence, and would tell her that she wishes she had "that."

 

OK, before some specific examples, let me say that I love her very much, and when she is being herself, is a very fun-loving girl that everyone gets along with. Publicly, not many people would probably sense any problems from her. She's the perfect match for me, loving many of the same interests such as movies and visits to the bookstore. She knows that I feel this way, and knows how committed I am to her.

 

There are plan for her to move to where I live in about 3 or 4 months, so hopefully some progress can be made on my underlying issues by then. OK...here are some things that bother me:

 

*The need for repeated reassurance. I get that she has a self-esteem problem...which is why I've been so forgiving about everything that bothers me. However, she constantly asks me if she is pretty (pretty much daily), to which I obviously respond in as glowing a way as possible. Sometimes she believes me, other times she doesn't...but either way, I can be sure she's going to ask again soon.

 

*Constantly tells me she's not good enough for me, and that I should find someone else. Talk about frustrating...I explain to her how I've "chosen" her, and use the extremely obvious example of our distance as my supporting argument. Why would I drive that far to be with her all the time if I wanted someone else?

 

*Absolutely, under no circumstances, am I to think another female on this planet is even remotely attractive. Mind you, I would never EVER glance someone else's way while in her presence, nor do I make any sort of concerted effort to do so by myself. The conversation is always initiated by her, often in a sneaky way. One time she told me of some celebrity males she thought was attractive (to which I have no problem with...I'm not that arrogant!). After that, she commented on some females she thought was attractive and asked what I thought. My responses where to the effect of "She's OK" or "I guess she's alright." Well, apparently that was a ploy and she "lied" about the males, she only wanted to "catch" me. I have never lived that day down since, and she must constantly be reassured that she is the only one I am attracted to and that I don't look at anyone else.

 

*If I want to do ANYTHING, I better be prepared for a heated argument. It is the point that I'd rather my friends just not ask me to do anything, as I know it's going to cause me grief in my relationship. She "is not comfortable" with me going to the movies. I am literally not permitted to go out to a movie with my friends. She is convinced that I will meet someone else there, and that I will gawk over the actresses in the film in her absence. I understand that this is absolutely ridiculous....I'm just not sure the proper course of action to rectify it.

 

*She goes through phases where she is obsessed with my past. I don't think it's even all that bad of a past, but to her, every girl I've ever dated is her mortal enemy. Every first I've had without her hurts her deeply. She tells me that I was a "whore" sometimes...I have slept with 4 girls before her. Maybe that's not great, but they were all in relationships and it could be far worse. Regardless, I tell her that the past is the past and I would appreciate it if she would stop attacking me for things I did well before we had ever even met. She is also obsessed over every last detail of my past relationships, and must know what each girl was like inside and out. She must be reminded of their faults on a weekly basis.

 

*Insane, and I mean insane jealousy over my sister. My sister, who is almost 16, is an over-achiever. She plays multiple varsity sports, carries a 4.0 for her life, and gets just about any award you could get. My girlfriend is ALWAYS comparing herself to her, and it drives her crazy. She wants trade lives with her, and feels that she is a total failure at the age of 19. I try different motivational techniques with this one, but nothing works. They get along great together, but when they are apart, the jealousy takes over.

 

I'm trying to keep this at least a little bit readable, so I'll stop there, at least for now.

 

There are times when she hints that she has had thoughts of hurting herself. This is immediately followed by an explanation that she would never do that, and to not take her serious.

 

I have tried to get her to go to counseling, but she refuses and says she doesn’t need it. She seems to understand that many of her thoughts and worries are irrational, but reminds me that she has a problem and I need to accept it and help her.

 

If I am feeling a bit testy and decide to ask if it’s alright for me to go out one night, it all just comes crashing down. She becomes aggressive and tells me that I’m a bad boyfriend, begins cursing, and then goes through the whole “Just do it, I don’t give a **** anymore” routine.

 

I explained to her what this was doing to our relationship, and she claims that I don’t understand her and that she should break up with me. It’s an emotional cycle that I can’t wrap my mind around.

 

I’m not sure what to do about any of this or it can even be helped at this point…I’m very discouraged. I do not want to lose her, but do not want it to continue on this way. Rationalization does not work with her. Any thoughts?

[NEONINK]

I would have to see your long version. Maybe you should write for a living.

 

Anyway... I've walked in her shoes. My parents were perfectionists. They still are. They still expect more than humanly possible from me. And what's more, they don't even know they do it.

 

Man... I feel for you. In fact, I feel for all guys dating women from 18 - 40. Women are constantly changing, learning more and more about themselves and trying to figure out what the hell they are doing. They say guys mature later than women, but I think women actually mature later in many ways, especially emotional maturity and self-conscious and self-awareness much later in life.

 

I think I lost my mind at 20, 30, and most recently 40. Now, I'm just waiting for menopause to kick in so I'll really go crazy. You guys are saints to put up with us. All I can tell you is be supportive, complement her sometimes, touch her gently, know you aren't crazy and she's normal, remind her that all families aren't like that, encourage her to read some books on "her issues" and self-esteem, and perhaps even ask her if she would like to go to a counselor (with or without you).

[Captain Nemo]

In all seriousness, she sounds like she needs some therapy. She seems to have a lot of issues and until they are resolved, all these problems you're unhappy with will be around indefinately.

 

Captain Nemo

[Guest]

NEONINK: Heh...sorry about that, I figured that might end up longer than I had planned for it to be. The words just kept on coming, you know? Thanks for the advice...I hadn't considered the book route. She has been saying recently that she wants to make more of an effort to read, so maybe I can take that knowledge and use it to help.

 

Captain Nemo: I agree completely that she probably needs some sort of professional help, now my problem is going about the right way of getting her there. I'll try to get her to get into some self-help books and see how much progress that makes. If nothing else, maybe it will open her mind up to therapy?

[guest]

Listen, she's a bit INSECURE she honestly probably doesn't notice the way she acts. I'm telling you from experience. I was that girl, and I 'm still growing. I probably lost the love of my life because of it. My parents aren't divorced and my family and I are pretty tight. I don't know where the insecurity came from but it was ugly.

My boyfriend and I also live far away, that can also take a toll on the relationship. He just always wanted to be with his friends which just urked me. Ialways traveled out there to see him it just started to take a toll on the relationship. The big factor was that I was crazy insecure. It's not something that YOU can fix but you can definetly help her. She's really gonna have to step outside of herself and try to see the way shae acts. It's great that you want to help her it's a challenge. Love conquers all if you belive. I hope you can work it out.

[PFPunks]

Hey everyone,

I've never been cheated on my parents never divorced and I dont know where my jealousy comes from. I have no reason to be jealous of my girlfriend and by being so unreasonable and her being so in love and understanding, I am literally crushing the life out of her. I am suppresing the very things in her that I love, and I feel like I have no control over it. I usually can stay calm cool and collected but when im in the mood I want her to feel all the pain I do, so I call her a whore and make her cry almost on a weekly basis and I hate that I hurt the person that I love. I know I need help but im just passing the time until I can figure out how to go about it and afford it. Im afraid I will lose the girl that taught me that true love really does exist. In fact I know that I wont lose her because she tells me when weve settled things out. Ive gone through her journals I read her emails. The reason I know her email password is because she gave it to me as a sort of sign of trust, and of course I abused it. Anyways!!! She knows about all that now. I will never do anything again that I wont tell her about. Ive never cheated on her and she goes so far out of her way, as far as dismissing friends completly, just to make me happy. Anyways i'd like to think that this time im not going to get jealous and yell at her and make her cry but after the 20th or 30th time I'm starting to believe that i cant get over my issues.

 

I always seem to see the worst possible scenario. I even get mad at her because of things she tells me, and she tells me everything. You'd think id trust her more for that but I apparently dont because I mad about the things she tells me. Anyways If you all have any thoughts on how I can deal with it and grow up, id really appreciate them.

 

Thanks alot

Andrew

[befuddled11]

She's insanely jealous of your sister (that's bent), she's got no self esteem and needs constant, daily validation and praise from you, you don't even live together yet she very much tries to control what you do and where you go (god, you can't even go to the movies with friends, for God's sake....she's jealous you'll oogle over the actresses on the screen? sheesh), she's obsessed with your non-checkered past and holds it against you, continuing to bring it up...and most importantly, she doesn't see the need for professional help...but instead, informs you that you just have to accept her for who she is. Yikes!

 

I don't see things improving any time soon. Without her getting the counselling she needs, she's not going to ever "snap out of this"....and it will only get worse, to the point where you start to develop bitterness and resentment toward her. Where you start to feel that being with her is a LOT of work on your part. Dude, you should be totally free to hang out with friends and have a life outside of your relationship with her. You seem like a pretty decent, intelligent, respectful guy...based on what you've written......but that doesn't seem to be good enough for her.

 

Her insecurity and self esteem issues are crossing over into her controlling you, and being very possessive of you. Is it really worth it?

 

Do you ever feel stuck and trapped in this relationship?

 

At 19, too, she's pretty young.....although it's only a 5 yr age difference, she's still a lot less mature than you, emotionally..and in terms of life experience. Don't you think it would be a lot more simple, and rewarding, to date a gal who's local to you, that you can see on a regular basis, who's confident and doesn't come with a truck full of issues?

[NEONINK]

To disrespect your g/f by calling her a whore, perhaps you aren't ready for a relationship. That's cruel.

[ASDFJKL]

Andrew. My boyfriend pretty much identical to yourself. In every way. Everything you wrote in your post ... it almost completely matches my boyfriend. I want to help him. So maybe I can find out things from someone like him, meaning you. And I can possibly help you with your situation. I hope you get this. Thanks.

[PFPunks]

Hey people,

 

I was going through my post and realized it sounded a bit worse then it is, but only a bit. I dont call her a whore on a weekly basis. I did that once, not to say it wasnt a horrible thing to do, but I dont do it all the time. Usually I tell her what I think she was doing, or accuse rather, seems more apropriate, and thats when she starts crying. Anyways ive already written you raquella so if you dont get my email let me know. Mine is my user name @yahoo.com. Maybe we can both learn to better understand our significant other and if possible help me and him to change.

 

Peace, Love, and Surf Naked

Andrew