why do men go off sex?

[BettyBoo]

I am curious as to why men who have been sexually interested in a relationship seem to lose interest. I have been talking to several women who feel their husbands interest has waned and are on the point of considering taking on a lover to relieve their own frustrations. These are all attractive women with good figures who enjoy a good relationship with their husbands with the exception of one.

 

So men what advise would you give to these women? Or are there women who find themselves in the same situation?

[KiloOneOne]

I personally, don't know why anybody would go off sex with a partner they proclaim love. I'm in that situation myself with my wife..

 

I cant offer any explanation, only thing I can say is cheating is so wrong. I think if a woman tells a man, he is not taking care of business, and she misses him because he really does it for her, he will soon get back on track.

 

Women however.... Well read all the threads here.

[BettyBoo]

I think women go off sex for different reasons to men. Which is why I posed the question. Personally I think sex is essential and important to retaining the closeness and emotional connection in a relationship. But men and lack of libido is a subject that is the 'best kept secret' as men were supposed to be always up for it!! It appears many men have lost ther mojo leaving wives pretty frustrated.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think women go off sex for different reasons to men. Which is why I posed the question. Personally I think sex is essential and important to retaining the closeness and emotional connection in a relationship. But men and lack of libido is a subject that is the 'best kept secret' as men were supposed to be always up for it!! It appears many men have lost ther mojo leaving wives pretty frustrated.

 

that go off sex with an attractive, ready & willing woman.... The only reason they would is if they are playing the field, or the demands for sex are too much (i.e. many many times a week).....

 

Of course we could use the same excuses as women.... Stress, lack of affection, work, kids......

[TheMENemy]

Poor physical health; depression; stress; or extra curricular involvement.

[waynebrady]

Why would women be bothered if their husbands intrest for sex has vaned? It's laughable really, women are the ones who have little to no intrest in sex and it only gets worse in marriages. So to answer your question, why do men go off sex? It's simple they don't, Women are actually the ones who go off sex.

[waynebrady]

It appears many men have lost ther mojo leaving wives pretty frustrated.

 

The wifes get frustrated due to the mans lack of intrest in sex? I don't know what kind of backwards world you live in(no offence) but most women would be absolutley delighted if their man had no intrest in sex.

[WowReally]

I am curious as to why men who have been sexually interested in a relationship seem to lose interest. I have been talking to several women who feel their husbands interest has waned and are on the point of considering taking on a lover to relieve their own frustrations. These are all attractive women with good figures who enjoy a good relationship with their husbands with the exception of one.

 

So men what advise would you give to these women? Or are there women who find themselves in the same situation?

 

Based on what my xMM said to me the sex was very vanilla with his W and it didn't turn him on. He claimed he always initiated and she never said no when he did but only when he felt like he should.

 

Im not sure if that's the same song and dance he'd give me now that he's back with her.

[BettyBoo]

"The wifes get frustrated due to the mans lack of intrest in sex? I don't know what kind of backwards world you live in(no offence) but most women would be absolutley delighted if their man had no intrest in sex. "

 

Waynebrady I dont agree that women are delighted if there man goes of sex. I certainly would not be and I dont know any other woman who would be. Maybe you are haning out with the wrong women

[BettyBoo]

Oooops lots of spelling error

[carhill]

Absent health issues, I would say the 'why' generally falls somewhere between lack of interest/ intimacy and having an affair and, in some cases, the entire avenue. For myself, once the intimacy failed, sex began to feel wrong and intimacy with others began to look more interesting and the boundaries to it less important.

 

It sounds like a man in your past/present might be able to shed some perspective as well; the man who went through the nasty divorce. I did a quick backstory skim since you've been on LS so long. If he's your present husband, what does he say?

[Don Ho]

I am curious as to why men who have been sexually interested in a relationship seem to lose interest. I have been talking to several women who feel their husbands interest has waned and are on the point of considering taking on a lover to relieve their own frustrations. These are all attractive women with good figures who enjoy a good relationship with their husbands with the exception of one. So men what advise would you give to these women? Or are there women who find themselves in the same situation?

Could be a lot of reasons. The first is that the woman does nothing more than nag and bitch at them. We have tolerance for this, but when it continues we lose interest. It's kind of like the guy that's a prick to his wife all week and then comes home and wants sex. It's an emotional situation for a woman and with the BS he gave her all week, I doubt she's going to be in the mood. It's similar for a man but it takes a while for us to get there. My Ex GF used to ride my butt all the time.

 

I just didn't want to deal with her including sex. Second, you say they're attractive, but are they really? Are they in shape or at least in very good shape for them or are they 20-30 pounds overweight? The list of reasons can go on. I would suggest that they go read a book like Dr. Laura's The Proper Feeding of Husbands. Guys are pretty simple. Feed them, be sweet and the women should find them wanting them in no time.

[BettyBoo]

I think my husband would agree with you. He feels some of the husbands lack of interest has got to do with feeling undermined in the relationship. I am sure boredom can also be a factor.

[martini-mae]

My husband, over the last year has lost interest as well. He's 50.

We talk about it briefly & then he steps up the game for a few days & then it dies down again.

I believe his may be health related. He does drink too much, has heart issues, is overweight & stressed at work. I'm sure many of these issues are contributing factors.

I'm not totally bugged by it, however, it'd be nice at least once a week or once every other week. We still kiss, hold hands & hug

[uncool]

i wish my wife was like you. I'm 42, not bad looking, make plenty of money, I enjoy a good sense of humor... women at the office flirt with me from time to time.. but that doesn't seem to cut it because my woman loses interest in having simple conversation and being around me. I bought tickets to a broadway play and wanted to have dinner afterwards and she blew me off... seemed like TV was more interesting to her than a romantic date. I've also been in a sexless marriage for many years...and I don't even think I'm that bad in the sack. The desire inside me to have a real conversation and relationship with a woman is huge. So don't generalize that most men are like your husbands.

[make me believe]

Poor physical health; depression; stress; or extra curricular involvement.

 

I agree with this answer, adding in Carhill's response about intimacy. One time my ex's interest in sex waned, and it was because he was depressed & stressed about some things going on with his family. The only other time he went off sex was right before he broke up with me. lol

[BettyBoo]

The whole sex thing can be a mystery at times. I know that from talking to my women friends most of them would like more sex with the exception of one. She has little interest in her husband. Keeping the spark in a marriage going isnt easy but the alternative can be feelings of lonliness and rejection. I know its normally men who are complaining they are not getting enough but there are plenty of women out there who are experiencing the same thing.

[Whateverelse]

Betty asks a good question. For the record, I am a male, and have been happily married for a couple of decades, with two kids who middle/high school aged. My wife would probably agree that my desire for sex has wained quite a bit. Why?

 

When I was a young buck, I could do it anytime, anywhere. As I got older the emotional aspect became far more important. Listening to my wife bitch and moan is a real turn off for me, whether it be about something the kids did, stresses at work, all the things she has to do around the house, all the things I don't do right around the house, etc. Coming home after a day of work and hearing this will just kill it for me for the evening. And most nites, to be frank, there is something to complain about.

 

Let's face it, once they marry you, women are no longer afraid to say no. No = rejection, and no one likes to be rejected. If I've been rejected in a situation a few times, and never try again. What's now happened is that I have built up a considerable list of times that I would never initiate sex, like if she is sleepy at bedtime (ie, 6 or 7 nites a week), any weekday morning, any weekend morning where the kids have a game, any weekend morning where she decides she needs to sleep in, any time one of the kids "might" be awake (guess what time high school kids go to bed!!), and on and on. If you add it all up, there is almost no time when it can be done. But my failure to iniate (facing certain rejection) is somehow interpreted as a sign that I dont' find her attractive. Give me a break.

 

Before we got married, we each initiated about half the time. Since our youngest was born, she has initiated less than 10 times (he is 12). Initiation became the husband's job, just like taking out the trash became my job. It was just something she decided without consulting me first. So why is that my failure to intiate twice a week is a sign that I don't find her attractive, but her failure it initiate once in the last 2 years is not?

 

Quite frankly, the married women who dont think they get enough sex probably look quite attractive to their husbands, even if they might not look that great by society's objective standards of beauty. My wife really turns me on, but no one but me is going to be asking her to model swimsuits. They really need to look at whether past and present behaviors by them have chilled the environment in the bedroom before blaming their husbands. He may be at fault, but my guess is that there is fault on both sides.

[BettyBoo]

Uncool......I cant imagine living in a situation like you find yourself in. Living with someone who would put the t.v over a romantic night out and a great show beggers belief. Perhaps your wife is depressed. Have you talked heart to heart about what is going on between you. Is there any reason why she might be so switched off to you?

 

Take care of yourself as living in that kind of coldness takes its toll. We all deserve a bit of love and comfort from our partners.

[BettyBoo]

Whateverelse...thanks for throwing in the guys side of things. I showed this to my friends and it provided material for discussion and reflection. I think the whole nagging thing can become such a habit that women at times dont even know they are doing it. I know that I have to catch myself on if my husband comes home and I find myself telling him all the not so good things of the day. I make it a practise to welcome him home with a hug/kiss and let him settle down to relax. I did read the book the proper care of husbands and I think women should read it as the return benefits are great . I wonder if we all put an effort into doing a health inventory of our marriage every year we might halt those awful behaviours that can be so destructive to the fabric of a marriage.

So seeing that mornings and evenings are out for sex have you thought about a lunch time treat when kids are at school. Works for us ;-)

[giotto]

I would say men go off their wives, i.e. they don't find them physically attractive anymore. Or they just get bored to have to have sex with the same woman over and over again... Any man who really finds his wife attractive would have sex with her anytime, anywhere...

[Whateverelse]

Betty, glad to be of help.

 

No, we don't do it in the middle of the day; we both work and taking off time to do it then would be "unprofessional." As I said, once I've been told no 5 or 6 times, I've learned my lesson, and its never going to happen again. If women perceive that their husband doesn't want sex as often as before, one thing they should do is go back and analyze their pattern of rejecting sex and see what kind of limitations they may have unconsciously established.

 

In contrast, the nagging and complaining is more of a short term thing for me. It may kill my desire that night, but has little to any effect after a day or so. The one thing that really kills my interest is getting into a discussion of things I don't do right around the house. Sometimes its needed, maybe I havent pulled my share, but dont get obsessive about it.

[giotto]

Betty, glad to be of help.

 

If women perceive that their husband doesn't want sex as often as before, one thing they should do is go back and analyze their pattern of rejecting sex and see what kind of limitations they may have unconsciously established.

 

That's happened to me. I've ended up not desiring my wife because of the endless rejections. I suppose some men might find that being rejected a couple of times is enough to put them off sex with their wives. Also, empty and broken promises don't do husbands any good... my wife, for example, takes ADs for her issues and has very low libido. She keeps promising she will go to therapy and solve the issues, but she never does. This has ruined our sex life and our relationship. But she only apologised to me a few month ago, after 10 years of this. And yes, I do resent her for what she's done to us and her unwillingness to resolve her issues to save our relationship... end of rant/

[Toodamnpragmatic]

That's happened to me. I've ended up not desiring my wife because of the endless rejections. I suppose some men might find that being rejected a couple of times is enough to put them off sex with their wives. Also, empty and broken promises don't do husbands any good... my wife, for example, takes ADs for her issues and has very low libido. She keeps promising she will go to therapy and solve the issues, but she never does. This has ruined our sex life and our relationship. But she only apologised to me a few month ago, after 10 years of this. And yes, I do resent her for what she's done to us and her unwillingness to resolve her issues to save our relationship... end of rant/

 

Where you were Giotto.... I just can not believe for a minute that men go off sex with an attractive, willing able female, outside ED or severe marital issues. Of course here I am talking a very minimal amount of sex (i.e. 1X/wk).

 

I can only fantasize a spouse whispering into her husbands ear over dinner, what the two are going to do in bed that night, wearing sexy undergarments and carrying through with it and the man saying no........

 

Oh and about being put down for all you "don't do around the house"...... What a normal family dynamic..... But after being put down and yes we know we can pull up our socks (and most men know not to point out the spouse's weaker points), all she needs to do is give a peck, say she was only frustrated, and we will be ready to go.......

 

Giotto sorry about the AD's and your spouse's ignorance as to the affect on your marriage.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[giotto]

I can only fantasize a spouse whispering into her husbands ear over dinner, what the two are going to do in bed that night, wearing sexy undergarments and carrying through with it and the man saying no........

 

Absolutely!

 

Giotto sorry about the AD's and your spouse's ignorance as to the affect on your marriage.

 

Well, I only really found out a few months ago, when she admitted that it wasn't fair on me and it was destroying our relationship. Had she told me before, I would have behaved differently - not putting pressure on her, which in turn caused an even further deterioration of our marriage. Don't get me wrong, it's not hell, but it's very very frustrating being told this after years and years of asking what's wrong and getting no reply! I suppose she was too wrapped-up in her problem/selfish. She is still not going to therapy, mind you...