my partner has left me for another guy: what are the chances that will it work out?

[melenkurion]

From a practical point of view. I think I need my ex and OG to be together for a while. My ex was saying he's in no hurry to dissolve the partnership, but that when we do, he wants nothing from me. I have a feeling that if it goes wrong with OG (who will have to be paying for any fun stuff my ex does), then... My ex will be sat alone in his crummy bedsit and think, "you know what. I will go for the house".

 

He's not got much to lose. He's alienated himself from almost all of his friends that know me. So he isn't gonna worry about what people think of him, they already think he's an "egotistical tw*t" (over Christmas one former friend of his emailed me using these words to say why she was done with him. She didn't even know he'd cheated on me, he's tried to keep it quiet, and I've not told anyone).

 

The only thing keeping him from being a dick in the dissolution is a sort of arrogance that he doesn't need anything from me because OG will look after him. So I hope he's with OG for a while yet

 

I need to get this farce of a "partnership" over fast, while he is still with OG.

[Fern]

From a practical point of view. I think I need my ex and OG to be together for a while. My ex was saying he's in no hurry to dissolve the partnership, but that when we do, he wants nothing from me. I have a feeling that if it goes wrong with OG (who will have to be paying for any fun stuff my ex does), then... My ex will be sat alone in his crummy bedsit and think, "you know what. I will go for the house".

 

He's not got much to lose. He's alienated himself from almost all of his friends that know me. So he isn't gonna worry about what people think of him, they already think he's an "egotistical tw*t" (over Christmas one former friend of his emailed me using these words to say why she was done with him. She didn't even know he'd cheated on me, he's tried to keep it quiet, and I've not told anyone).

 

The only thing keeping him from being a dick in the dissolution is a sort of arrogance that he doesn't need anything from me because OG will look after him. So I hope he's with OG for a while yet

 

I need to get this farce of a "partnership" over fast, while he is still with OG.

 

This is good. You're thinking practically. I'm lucky I had no legal ties to worry about. I kept what was mine - and, unfortunately, some debts that by rights were his.

I think you should start legal separation procedures. I think that will make you feel stronger. Taking back control like that always helps me.

[melenkurion]

He told me he is "in no hurry" to dissolve the partnership. I bet he isn't. The longer we stay "married", the more claim he has on my assets. I need to get this done.

 

I've not contacted him in a month. Should I tell him that I am going to do this, or just serve the papers? He has something of a temper and hates any kind of criticism, so getting a legal document calling him a lying cheating rat will p*ss him off, and he might not play ball.

 

There is one thing I would love to do, but I am not sure I can pull it off, or if it is realistic. I'd love to tell him I would like to meet for coffee, just for a chat "since we have one or two things we need to discuss". Bring the papers with me, get straight onto it and force him to sign them there and then. Once he's signed, I just walk out, leave him sat there, and never, ever look back.

 

I think this is more of a "revenge fantasy" more than a realistic idea? The one justification I have for doing it this way is that I will know if he intends going after my assets. I'm pretty sure that in this situation, he will just shut up and sign (as he said he would).

[Fern]

He told me he is "in no hurry" to dissolve the partnership. I bet he isn't. The longer we stay "married", the more claim he has on my assets. I need to get this done.

 

I've not contacted him in a month. Should I tell him that I am going to do this, or just serve the papers? He has something of a temper and hates any kind of criticism, so getting a legal document calling him a lying cheating rat will p*ss him off, and he might not play ball.

 

There is one thing I would love to do, but I am not sure I can pull it off, or if it is realistic. I'd love to tell him I would like to meet for coffee, just for a chat "since we have one or two things we need to discuss". Bring the papers with me, get straight onto it and force him to sign them there and then. Once he's signed, I just walk out, leave him sat there, and never, ever look back.

 

I think this is more of a "revenge fantasy" more than a realistic idea? The one justification I have for doing it this way is that I will know if he intends going after my assets. I'm pretty sure that in this situation, he will just shut up and sign (as he said he would).

 

Could you handle this? Are you ready to face him head on like that? I know I wouldn't be. Even my run in on Xmas Eve - I let him off Scott-free compared to how I wanted to behave.

 

If you're sure you won't crumble - I say do it. It'll be hugely liberating - though you'll like crash and burn after. But I'd say it'd be a HUGE step forward in the long run.

[melenkurion]

At the moment I feel very strong and able to do it... I think I have a sort of (thin) core of steel that he doesn't have. I don't know if I am kidding myself, though.

 

Thinking more closely, I am not sure I trust my motives here, though. Maybe there's an idiot masochist part of me that hopes that when finally confronted with the reality of our marriage ending (sign here, please), he'll beg for me back? Examining my thoughts pretty closely I can't see any sign of wanting the deranged cheating scumbag back. However, who knows what scams my subconscious is able to pull on me?

 

The most likely explanation for what I am trying to do here is, "You think you dumped me. Well I've really dumped you now, matey. Your words mean nothing, words are just words. This ends when I say so." That smells a bit like a revenge fantasy...

[Fern]

At the moment I feel very strong and able to do it... I think I have a sort of (thin) core of steel that he doesn't have. I don't know if I am kidding myself, though.

 

Thinking more closely, I am not sure I trust my motives here, though. Maybe there's an idiot masochist part of me that hopes that when finally confronted with the reality of our marriage ending (sign here, please), he'll beg for me back? Examining my thoughts pretty closely I can't see any sign of wanting the deranged cheating scumbag back. However, who knows what scams my subconscious is able to pull on me?

 

The most likely explanation for what I am trying to do here is, "You think you dumped me. Well I've really dumped you now, matey. Your words mean nothing, words are just words. This ends when I say so." That smells a bit like a revenge fantasy...

 

If it's a revenge fantasy - it's a very healthy one. You're putting a final nail in the coffin - not kidding yourself this can be salvaged. I'm quite sure there's a part of me still hoping and kidding itself. I'm just staying NC until it finally dies. :-)

 

Get the papers drawn up and decide then on your best course of action.

[melenkurion]

Aaaaaargh.

 

I haven't contacted him in a month. This morning I've got a really strong urge to call him. I feel so stupid. I know it would leave me feeling at rock bottom. But I do.

 

I have a confession: until Friday, I used to cyberstalk him a bit. Not fb (he deleted himself), but using the app he and OG used to talk to each other. From whether or not they were both logged in I could tell if my ex was at OGs place. It turned out he was spending most of his evenings at his own flat. How crazy do I sound? Anyway, I've known all along it gives me nothing but hurt. And yet I didn't stop it. I finally deleted it on Friday. It's helping. He's already less in my thoughts. This behaviour I was pretty ashamed of. I wouldn't admit it to my friends. I think it means in a way I've only just started NC, since I've only just stopped keeping tabs on his whereabouts. I think I was even being daft enough to try and gauge the strength of their relationship from how long they spent talking on this thing. Idiot! I might as well have punched myself in the nuts if I wanted pain for no reason.

 

Aaaaaarghhhhhhhhh.

[0hpenelope]

I think I was even being daft enough to try and gauge the strength of their relationship from how long they spent talking on this thing. Idiot! I might as well have punched myself in the nuts if I wanted pain for no reason.

 

Aaaaaarghhhhhhhhh.

 

Just keep telling yourself "I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know." Because you really don't want to know and then you'll start acting on that. I make it sound like it's so simple and I know it's not, but if we strip it down to the basics, we don't want to be around things that hurt us, so it's much better to just eject ourselves from the temptation of exposing ourselves to the source of pain.

 

This is my source of pain: I realized that I actually can't talk to our mutual friends for a while, even though they insist they're neutral parties. I believe them, but there's just so many things happening there all at once: they're still in touch with him, I'm venting to them about him and that doesn't make me look classy, they're going to bring him up in the conversations somehow... I can't talk to them, but I can send text messages to let them know they're on my mind. I just can't have a conversation with them, not until I can talk to them without feeling the need to bring up the fool.

 

Our exes didn't move onto pastures greener, they didn't get a 'better offer' in any way. Just keep remembering that.

 

I suspect one of the problems they have in common is that they have no capacity for introspection. Certainly my ex has none. His emotions fall into two categories -Feel Good and Feel Bad. He's never learned to distinguish between the bad emotions or examine where they come from. He felt bad a lot of the time, then she turned up and he felt good around her...

 

Your Ex moved on, not because there was something wrong with you - but because there is something missing in him that he couldn't make a REAL love, a REAL relationship work.

 

We have a wee saying where I come from, we say someone 'has a wee want in them', when there's just something 'off' about them emotionally or mentally. Like - you can't put your finger on it - but they're just not quite right...

 

That sums my ex up. He'll never be happy at this rate. He'll never learn.

 

It sounds like my ex, too! Very simple-minded of a person. If he doesn't feel good about anyone/anything, he'll just shut down and turn them away until he's ready to come back. Got in a fight with a good friend? Shut her away for 3 months. She had no idea where that came from or what happened. He only likes to feel good and whenever something bad happens, he'll internalize it. What happened to talking it out with people? Nope, sorry. He'll decide for you what should be done.

 

I'm still the kind of person to take my problems to heart, but I don't want to. Not anymore. My friends who are able to recognize that there's a problem and switch minds immediately, w/o falling into the pit of dwelling on the problem, look much happier and level-headed. I want to emulate their example and I refuse to be bogged down by problems any longer.

 

There's nothing wrong with us darling - we're BRILLIANT. These idiots are the ones with the real problems. All we suffer from is being blind to our own fabulousness. He'll get his. And not because of Karma or any nonsense like that, but because you can only get back from life what you put into it. He's incapable of loving anyone. You had a lucky escape. xxxxxx

 

ADDS: I'm well aware I might be deluding myself and they might be MEANT to be and will end up together forever and sickeningly in love - however there's no more or less evidence for that outcome than there is for my version where they end up destitute and loveless. Ergo I have CONVINCED myself of the outcome that cheers me up. In a few months I won't give a sh*t one way or the other and thinking like this makes me happier than imagining them working out. :-D

I'm able to be really positive about the breakup now (most of the time) but by God am I sick of thinking about it. It still takes up FAR too much of my head space.

I was the best thing that EVER happened to that idiot. Just because he can't see that right now, in the depths of his new passion - or even if he NEVER properly appreciated it, time and distance are going to prove my point. I was a FANTASTIC partner to him. Much, much better than he deserved. He's intelligent enough that that will become very apparent eventually.

 

**** him, Melenkurion, stay away for another month or two as best you can - without burning any bridges with mutual friends. In a few months you'll be able to hear about his idiocy without even caring. Stay strong!

 

FERRRRN, I FREAKING LOVE ALL OF THIS! That's my mantra whenever I start getting down about myself because of what happened! "I'm awesome, I'm awesome." I do believe I'm the best thing to happen to him and he's going to spend a good part of his life convincing himself that the girl(s) he'll be with is an upgrade to how well I treated him in the time we were together.

[Fern]

Glad it helped. And thankyou for flagging it up again for me. I needed reminding of ALL of this today. I am the best thing that boy ever had or is ever going to get. And if he hasn't realised it yet - it's only a matter of time. I hope the realisation sticks in his craw.

[melenkurion]

Just keep telling yourself "I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know." Because you really don't want to know and then you'll start acting on that. I make it sound like it's so simple and I know it's not, but if we strip it down to the basics, we don't want to be around things that hurt us, so it's much better to just eject ourselves from the temptation of exposing ourselves to the source of pain.

 

You're right! Anything I hear about him right now is hurtful. I don't want to know, I really don't. I'd never in a million years slam my hand on a car door on purpose, so why risk this? It hurts just as much!

 

It sounds like my ex, too! Very simple-minded of a person. If he doesn't feel good about anyone/anything, he'll just shut down and turn them away until he's ready to come back. Got in a fight with a good friend? Shut her away for 3 months. She had no idea where that came from or what happened. He only likes to feel good and whenever something bad happens, he'll internalize it. What happened to talking it out with people? Nope, sorry.

 

Mine is just the same. If someone upset him, or they had a fight, he simply stopped talking to them for a few months, until he forgot what the issue was (there was one dratted exception to this...). If something makes him feel bad, he runs away from it. He walked away from two jobs simply because it "felt bad" at that moment. In one case he went from a permanent job to a 3 month contract. In the other case, he literally walked out the door one lunchtime with nothing lined up.

[0hpenelope]

You're right! Anything I hear about him right now is hurtful. I don't want to know, I really don't. I'd never in a million years slam my hand on a car door on purpose, so why risk this? It hurts just as much!

 

Mine is just the same. If someone upset him, or they had a fight, he simply stopped talking to them for a few months, until he forgot what the issue was (there was one dratted exception to this...). If something makes him feel bad, he runs away from it. He walked away from two jobs simply because it "felt bad" at that moment. In one case he went from a permanent job to a 3 month contract. In the other case, he literally walked out the door one lunchtime with nothing lined up.

 

That uh... sounds really irresponsible. And we're talking about a grown man here? How can we allow ourselves to be hurt by these kind of folk? We know they're not worth it, but we still miss them. What the heck?

 

I shared this with Rose T in her thread. I had to mail $$ to pay my ex back for stuff he bought me. I don't ever want to break NC but in this case, even though I had to, I still don't like that I had to. I hope we're done after this. I don't want him to contact me to let me know he got the money or to thank me even though that's the polite thing to do. I wonder if I will say anything, but the way I'm thinking about it is, if he does send me a message and I choose to not respond, that is adhering to NC again. I "win."

[melenkurion]

That uh... sounds really irresponsible. And we're talking about a grown man here? How can we allow ourselves to be hurt by these kind of folk? We know they're not worth it, but we still miss them. What the heck?

 

I know! The missing him is a lot less today. I think this may be the first morning I woke up and this stuff wasn't the immediate first thing in my head. And when he walked out of that job? He didn't dare tell his best friend for a while. Oh, and guess who paid his rent? There is definitely an issue with me, if I was willing to do that. Still, at least I am coming to realise that.

 

I shared this with Rose T in her thread. I had to mail $$ to pay my ex back for stuff he bought me. I don't ever want to break NC but in this case, even though I had to, I still don't like that I had to. I hope we're done after this. I don't want him to contact me to let me know he got the money or to thank me even though that's the polite thing to do. I wonder if I will say anything, but the way I'm thinking about it is, if he does send me a message and I choose to not respond, that is adhering to NC again. I "win."

 

I'd go for the win. Even "business" exchanges we have had (the last one a month ago) have left me feeling ultimately more down than I want to be. It needs keeping to a minimum. But you know this better than I do I think. It bothers me a lot, the fact that to dissolve the partnership I will have to break NC on some level.

[GoingInsane]

I know exactly how you feel. I found out my ex cheated on me when we were together and is now seeing the new person. I don't actually miss HER any more, I don't miss contacting her or her company, but I just can't stop obsessing about the affair and what the two of them are now doing. Are they loved up spending all their time together? Is it more casual? How often do they spend the whole night together? Its awful.

 

We split in Sept and were "friends" up until New Yrs Eve when I found all this out. I feel I wasted 3 months of healing time. I don't think about being with her, but can't stop thinking about her being with someone else

[melenkurion]

... but I just can't stop obsessing about the affair and what the two of them are now doing. Are they loved up spending all their time together? Is it more casual? How often do they spend the whole night together? Its awful.

 

We split in Sept and were "friends" up until New Yrs Eve when I found all this out. I feel I wasted 3 months of healing time. I don't think about being with her, but can't stop thinking about her being with someone else

 

We seriously need to get those thoughts out of our heads! I am doing a great deal better at not thinking about that since I stopped the smartphone cyber-snooping (basically, I could pretty much work out whether they were together for the evening or not. Crazy behaviour). It doesn't help us, it only hurts us. We know that.

 

I don't really know how to stop it, but I know that it is getting less. In the early days I tried "thought stopping" (basically more or less internally yelling "STOP STOP STOP" to drown out the bad thought) when I had those thoughts. I got those thoughts all the time at weekends. That worked for a while, it might work for you? I've wondered about doing a rubber band thingy that some people do: snap the band whenever an intrusive thought comes, so that you end up policing your thoughts to avoid the pain.

[GoingInsane]

Thanks melenkurion.

I've been doing the "it doesn't matter, ot doesn't matter, it doesn't matter" chant in my head whenever these thoughts get too much, think I'll try the STOP one now as well.

 

I'd been getting better, thoughts weren't as strong but then I saw her car today (but not her). Since then, I can't stop thinking and obsessing - did they car share today, are they seeing each other tonight etc - and then all the other stuff comes flooding back as well. I did the cyber stalking as well but have now stopped, unfortunately I only just (well, 2 weeks ago) found out about the affair, so now all that cyber stalking of the past or "friendship" contact we had, I'm now trying to piece together to work out how long its been going on for and how serious it might be. Its crazy. I feel crazy. And as I keep telling myself, IT DOESN'T MATTER!

[melenkurion]

I didn't have the best of weeks last week.

 

I did a stupid thing. I went out with former mutual friends that now loathe my ex. One works with him, and says he is turning into an angry little bully. Initially they had thought that I was the one that had cheated, my ex was biting everyone's head off so much. This guy and my ex no longer talk at work. I ended up finding out more than I was ready to know, really. That my ex was off that weekend to meet OG's best friends, and was showing off the nice new shirt he had bought to impress them. He keeps going on about how much better things are now. Yay for him. I spent far, far too long talking about my ex. It's the past. Still, I think perhaps this was the first time I had properly seen these people, so it was perhaps inevitable that I would do this. Next time, I know not to.

 

I hadn't quite got over that when I got a snide text from him about a cat we had got together. He'd initially registered the chip, so when my missing cat was found he just said, "I don't know what's going on with your cat but I got a call from the vet?". He'd talked me into getting a cat, fussed over that cat for six years, and now he isn't even remotely bothered. Every time I hear from him, I never reply but it still sets me back. It's not that often, once every three weeks or so it has been. I haven't made any contact myself in six weeks.

 

Still, I feel better now. I've had the missing cat to worry about and get settled once he was home safe, and that put my ex out of my mind really. I'm definitely letting him go, caring less. The anger is fading now. I definitely welcome that.

 

I know I will have another setback, but hopefully next time I will not have brought it upon myself. I am capable of seeing mutual friends without even mentioning him. It was just too tempting, since I knew these people despised him now. Maybe I've learned my lesson, now.

[0hpenelope]

I haven't heard much from mutual friends and seeing your experience helps me not worry about it as much. Just as I thought... "I don't want to know."

 

Also had a setback a few days ago: it affected me when I realized that I'm never going to see or hear from him again. That his absence is for the long haul. I think it took about 3 days to get my head straight again about that. So healing's definitely a process.

 

I feel for you. You still hear from the ex & that's tough. I suspect I'm better off knowing mine doesn't care anymore, so I'm less likely to hear from him ever again. I hope you feel much better soon!

[strangeways]

Just a setback melen. You'll get through it. At least they loathe him And they know it wasn't you that cheated. Like you said next time you meet up it'll be better and it's good to keep up relationships with as many friends as possible.

 

We all have these setbacks. My first big one was getting a (first and hopefully last) nonsense email from my ex last week. It's made me angry that she thought it appropriate to email me after 3.5 months. I mean, what's the point? It dragged up some s**t I didn't want dragged up but I know it's temporary.

 

Glad you got the cat back.

[melenkurion]

0hpenelope... I dunno, you seem like you are together enough avoid the issue with mutual friends. With anyone that is still in touch with my ex, I am able to avoid talking about him. I was just soooooo curious to find out why this guy now hated him. But lesson almost learned. Nothing good ever comes of knowing.

 

it affected me when I realized that I'm never going to see or hear from him again.

 

sigh. I am not sure I am quite there yet. Because of the legal ties, I think I may well hear from him. And, I have to admit, in my weaker moments I hope to hear from him. He does always get back in touch with people after cutting them out for a few months, a year, whatever. Once the punishment of withdrawal of his glorious presence has had time to work . But we can never be friends. Not after the lying, the cheating, the just plain nastiness.

 

strangeways: I read your thread where you had had that vague email. Far too little, far too late, eh? I haven't had anything like that, but I can imagine it would be cr*ppy. What is the point? An attempt to assuage guilt? It doesn't even sound like a great deal of guilt. You know, I keep feeling I want to hear from him in a friendly way, but from what you say it's just a big disappointment. I suppose that is one thing done with now? Even if she contacts you again, it can't cause the same setback for you. You had been vaguely hoping she would get in touch, and now she has it's just meh.

[0hpenelope]

0hpenelope... I dunno, you seem like you are together enough avoid the issue with mutual friends. With anyone that is still in touch with my ex, I am able to avoid talking about him. I was just soooooo curious to find out why this guy now hated him. But lesson almost learned. Nothing good ever comes of knowing.

 

Oh dear. I appreciate that, thank you so much. It seems like it, but I know I'm not. I'm not that far into my high road yet. I'm pretty sure that, since I've given it some thought and reflection, the problem's with me. I still need to heal. Even though he and I formed independent friendships with these fine folk, they're still our dear mutual friends. I don't want to badmouth him anymore and I'm definitely not at that stage yet. My healing progress hasn't gotten me into the graceful part yet.

 

I read a Japanese proverb today that I want to share with you. “One who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger.” I pinpointed the things I need to work on with myself and that quote covers an aspect of it. I don't want to rage at him anymore. I just want to stop missing him.

 

I think that it's much harder to talk to me because I'm very blunt about what I'm feeling. One of those mutual friends actually said to me a while ago "Well, it looks like the break-up worked out for the better," and I was insulted. She meant well, but I needed to correct it. I told her "Um, I don't think this break-up was for better or worse. I'm not the kind of person to look for the 'why;' I look for the how. Okay, so he left. How do I move on from this? I'm focused on the 'how' because I really, really want to move on and not 'Oh, it has worked out for the best.' Not at all." She really meant well, but it was a misguided opinion.

 

I bet it's much easier to talk to him than it is to talk to me because carrying a conversation with a "stone wall" is much easier.

sigh. I am not sure I am quite there yet. Because of the legal ties, I think I may well hear from him. And, I have to admit, in my weaker moments I hope to hear from him. He does always get back in touch with people after cutting them out for a few months, a year, whatever. Once the punishment of withdrawal of his glorious presence has had time to work . But we can never be friends. Not after the lying, the cheating, the just plain nastiness.

 

Sometimes I read the Separation and Divorce subforum and the stories puts things in perspective for me. I actually got off easy in my break-up and your example, too, provides support to that belief. I'd really dislike to have unresolved practical matters with him. Just sending him the small amount of money I owed him was something I didn't want to do at all.

 

I bolded a part in your response because that reminds me of his tendencies too, based on past behavior. Will he grace me with his "glorious presence?" Nah, I don't think so. My ultimatum will keep him in place - hence, my strong belief that I will never hear from or see him again ever.

 

I agree with your position. Most exes have their own friends, so they should hang out with them! I don't want his friendship that badly anyway when I can nurture my relationships with old friends & make new ones. Best part? My old friends never gave up on me. They never threw in the towel & left, even if we got in fights. As my cousin told me "Exes wanting to be friends right away? That's an old line, they still say that sh*t? You don't need them in your life."

 

You sound much stronger in spite of your setback, mel! I'm so happy for you and it just seems like at this point, all it's going to take is time. Your ex has no inkling what he gave up. You've been civil and in control of your feelings, even though you've probably wanted to just throw yourself at his feet or just crumple and cry. No, you're stronger now. That's so great.

Edited January 25, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Oooh boy, that was long! Sorry for the length!

[melenkurion]

I don't want to rage at him anymore. I just want to stop missing him.

 

Oh yes, so so much. The anger is much less than it was just over a month ago. I have some friends I see about once a month, and they commented on that. My counsellor saw a flash of anger in me last week that she said she was glad to see, mind you. Ultimately, being angry at him harms me. My head sees this. It's focussing on him.

 

His line wasn't that he wanted to be friends as such, it was that he hoped that the breakup didn't have to be a nightmare where he felt he had to avoid me, or feel ill at ease walking in our neighbourhood. He works close to where I live, so he has to live close to me. He probably blames me that it has ended up that way: I simply didn't contact him at all once he picked his stuff up (well, one text saying I couldn't find a document he wanted me to look for). But, I had to protect myself. Keeping my sanity is far more important to me than easing his guilt.

 

It's good to hear I sound stronger. To me, I feel a bit fedup I guess. The initial euphoria I felt once I realised I was best off without him has given way to something else. I can't quite work out what, yet. I feel a bit down, but not in the "life over" kind of way. Just sad. For some reason I can't identify, I found this weekend rather tricky. Normally when that has happened I have known why: I have found out some info, he has contacted me, or it's been an anniversary or something. It's possible I was just worn out? I had something arranged for every night last week and by Friday I was drained.

 

All I can fathom is that the thoughts I was having were "he just doesn't care about me at all". So what? I knew that. Perhaps it's a sign of truly starting to realise and internalise that. Letting go seems to be a gradual process. I keep thinking I am done, but I later realise I was not even close. I had the strongest urge to contact him that I had had in weeks.

 

Your ex has no inkling what he gave up. You've been civil and in control of your feelings, even though you've probably wanted to just throw yourself at his feet or just crumple and cry. No, you're stronger now. That's so great.

 

Thank you! I do think he gave up something pretty good. When I am good and ready, someone else might see what he couldn't see.

 

I hope I learn from this. It's the most horrible thing to have happened to me, no question at all. I certainly hope that some positives come from it.

[Fern]

Oh yes, so so much. The anger is much less than it was just over a month ago. I have some friends I see about once a month, and they commented on that. My counsellor saw a flash of anger in me last week that she said she was glad to see, mind you. Ultimately, being angry at him harms me. My head sees this. It's focussing on him.

 

His line wasn't that he wanted to be friends as such, it was that he hoped that the breakup didn't have to be a nightmare where he felt he had to avoid me, or feel ill at ease walking in our neighbourhood. He works close to where I live, so he has to live close to me. He probably blames me that it has ended up that way: I simply didn't contact him at all once he picked his stuff up (well, one text saying I couldn't find a document he wanted me to look for). But, I had to protect myself. Keeping my sanity is far more important to me than easing his guilt.

 

It's good to hear I sound stronger. To me, I feel a bit fedup I guess. The initial euphoria I felt once I realised I was best off without him has given way to something else. I can't quite work out what, yet. I feel a bit down, but not in the "life over" kind of way. Just sad. For some reason I can't identify, I found this weekend rather tricky. Normally when that has happened I have known why: I have found out some info, he has contacted me, or it's been an anniversary or something. It's possible I was just worn out? I had something arranged for every night last week and by Friday I was drained.

 

All I can fathom is that the thoughts I was having were "he just doesn't care about me at all". So what? I knew that. Perhaps it's a sign of truly starting to realise and internalise that. Letting go seems to be a gradual process. I keep thinking I am done, but I later realise I was not even close. I had the strongest urge to contact him that I had had in weeks.

 

 

 

Thank you! I do think he gave up something pretty good. When I am good and ready, someone else might see what he couldn't see.

 

I hope I learn from this. It's the most horrible thing to have happened to me, no question at all. I certainly hope that some positives come from it.

 

Even if that is true, it says MUCH more about him than it does about you, Melen. What normal, healthy person can go from living with, loving, pledging their life to someone - caring for them that deeply - to NOTHING, basically overnight? And for ZERO reason. You didn't cheat, you didn't abuse him - at the very LEAST someone with natural human reactions is going to feel guilty and miss the companionship. Your ex is twisted. I'm not sure you will ever be able to comprehend his thought processes - simply because you are a good person with a heart.

 

I found this helpful today: http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=6754

 

I know it's something you have been struggling with too. I hope it helps you.

[melenkurion]

Hey Fern, I did find that helpful.

 

I've found this last week or so that I have been thinking about them so much less. Also, that when they do pop into my head, I don't get so angry, or so upset. I am much less obsessed about the health of their relationship. I can't lie and say I don't care at all. But I care a lot, lot less just right now.

 

I'm actually starting to care more about all the other stuff in my life. Initially I was doing it all just to crowd out the negative thoughts. But now: I really am making new friends, I really am re-connecting with old friends, I am going out a lot more, being a lot more challenged. My thinking had gotten very much into a rut. There are some downsides: I have developed a silly teenage crush on one of my new friends that is just ludicrous. But that will pass, it always does with me. Hmmmm. Writing this makes me think this daft crush is one reason "they" are less in my thoughts. Possibly a danger sign?

[Fern]

Hey Fern, I did find that helpful.

 

I've found this last week or so that I have been thinking about them so much less. Also, that when they do pop into my head, I don't get so angry, or so upset. I am much less obsessed about the health of their relationship. I can't lie and say I don't care at all. But I care a lot, lot less just right now.

 

I'm actually starting to care more about all the other stuff in my life. Initially I was doing it all just to crowd out the negative thoughts. But now: I really am making new friends, I really am re-connecting with old friends, I am going out a lot more, being a lot more challenged. My thinking had gotten very much into a rut. There are some downsides: I have developed a silly teenage crush on one of my new friends that is just ludicrous. But that will pass, it always does with me. Hmmmm. Writing this makes me think this daft crush is one reason "they" are less in my thoughts. Possibly a danger sign?

 

Danger schmanger! I can't WAIT to have a crush on someone again! My biggest fear at the minute is that I'm never going to feel that way about anyone ever again. I fear my ex has broken me. I'd give my eye teeth for a sign that I'm still capable of getting excited over someone else. It's a good thing Melen.

 

I have this guy pursuing me at the minute and I'm just IRRITATED by him. It was helpful before in that it stopped me being afraid I was somehow intrinsically unloveable and boosted my confidence. However I can't get excited about him - or about anyone and I'm illogically terrified that my ex was my last chance at strong feelings. So stupid.

 

I think you having a crush can only be a good thing.

[melenkurion]

Danger schmanger! I can't WAIT to have a crush on someone again! My biggest fear at the minute is that I'm never going to feel that way about anyone ever again. I fear my ex has broken me. I'd give my eye teeth for a sign that I'm still capable of getting excited over someone else. It's a good thing Melen.

 

It's a good sign of getting over my ex. Though, I don't want to act on it: I want this guy as a friend, I don't want to hurt him, and I know for sure he doesn't have any feelings for me (he does think I am hot though!). He is interested in someone else...

 

I have this guy pursuing me at the minute and I'm just IRRITATED by him. It was helpful before in that it stopped me being afraid I was somehow intrinsically unloveable and boosted my confidence. However I can't get excited about him - or about anyone and I'm illogically terrified that my ex was my last chance at strong feelings. So stupid.

 

It's certainly not your last chance. I've thought that so lots of times before, and it has never been true. Do you know why you find it irritating? Is it that you are not ready, or is it something that he is doing? You've mentioned before that he is being a bit "full on"?