my partner has left me for another guy: what are the chances that will it work out?

[melenkurion]

I guess I am asking the age old question we all want to know.

 

I'm a gay male in my late thirties. I've been with my partner for eight years, and in a civil partnership for three.

 

A month ago, I found out that my partner had had a physical and emotional affair with a friend of hours. They met for sex at lunchtimes, in our house. There were three weekends away (using the "visiting old friends" excuse). I started to suspect, and was dishonourable and went through his phone. There were messages arranging to meet for sex, they were telling each other they loved each other, and what an amazing connection they had. When I confronted my partner, he bolted. He just said "I am going", and drove off to a friend's place initially, and then to his parents. For the rest of that week, I heard nothing from him. I did contact him a little bit, but not daily. Alas, I made the mistake of calling his friends, which probably did little good. When we both got home, we met up, and he told me that he doesn't think we can move past this, that I would never trust him again, and that we would never again have what we had before. The main thing he said was that the passion between us had died a long time ago. I think he is looking for something that doesn't exist. The crazy, lunatic passion he seems to want cannot be sustained: you get two years of that if you are incredibly lucky, and then you move on to a more mature bonding.

 

He did say that we were happy for almost all of our time together, that he still loved me, but that love was not enough. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring any more, just had it on a chain round his neck. I told him I still wanted to try and fight and make things work, that I wanted to give counselling a shot. I said I thought it a tragedy to throw away eight happy years over one infatuation. He just doesn't believe in counselling.

 

We were in contact for about a week after that, but it was so much on his terms that I went into no contact because it was upsetting me. When I had asked him about contact, he had said "Of course you can get in contact, and I will reply if I feel like it". Stinks, really. I honestly didn't break contact to play games with him, I just found it was messing with my head. Every day I was waiting to hear from him. If I did, it gave me a tiny bit of hope: "I can take the despair, it's the hope I can't stand". In the end, I asked him not to contact me until he heard from me that I was OK with it. He sent a snotty message back about picking up his stuff, but I haven't heard anything from him otherwise. I think he is probably relieved I am out of his life. He hates any reminder that he has done a Bad Thing, he cannot deal with guilt. He isn't very good at dealing with anything much: I said he seemed to be doing OK, and his reply was "Well I've put it all in a little box and slammed the lid shut".

 

I've not been in any contact apart from telling him not to contact me for three weeks now.

 

I know that he has now moved in with the other guy a couple of weeks ago. That really upsets me. The hurt is getting less each day, but it is still there.

 

I guess what I am asking is that is there any chance at all? Should I just give up? I love my ex still, despite what has happened. We had a good marriage for most of the time, I think, we just lost our way this last year. My head tells me he is gone for good, but my heart is having trouble letting go. Which is correct?

 

I just don't see what they have as true love: they spent the last four months sneaking around in a fog of adrenaline. I think they mistook the thrill of the deceit and the lying for love. I am convinced that it will crash and burn quite soon. Not that that does me any good. The other guy is 30 years old, and has never had any kind of relationship at all until this. Quite frankly, I think the merest scrap of attention he would interpret as undying love. He is on medication for depression, gave up on CBT because it wasn't working. He has attempted suicide, and sobs at the tiniest hint of rejection. It's bad for me to think of this, but I can't help but hope that his neediness starts to become repellent to my ex.

 

In summary, I guess my main question is: once a guy moves in with The Other Guy, is all hope gone of a reconciliation? And: how stable are such relationships? The last question is less relevant really, I know it's an unhealthy thing to dwell on, but I seem unable to let it go.

[lapse]

OMG. I despise these excuses people make that "the passion was gone a long time ago". They're rationalizing their unethical behavior,

 

OP, eff this guy. Metaphorically. I know it's not what you want, but no one deserves to be cheated on. The guy essentially ran. He refused to even take responsibility for his actions.

 

There's always hope of reconciliation. Anything can happen. But, why, why, why would you put yourself through that? I know it has been a long time and you're attached and I'm not acknowledging all the great things about the relationship and your Commitment. But seriously... this guy is not worthy of your loyalty.

Edited November 3, 2010 by lapse

[melenkurion]

Thanks lapse, that is the common sense kick up the behind I really need, but I can't yet truly take on-board?

 

It's true: if he thought the passion had gone, there are many less destructive things he could have done about that. At the very least he could have talked to me! It's no excuse for the betrayal.

 

All my friends are telling me he has done a terrible thing. Given what I read, I am about 90% sure that they didn't use any form of protection. That ought to kill it for me: it was premeditated, they discussed it, it was not a moment of passion. He compromised my health in a way I would never have chosen for myself, and I had a couple of weeks of great worry. I guess that tells me all I need to know. And yet, the love still remains. I am pretty sure it is love for him, not fear of loneliness.

[lapse]

Awww hell. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Can you explain why it's relevant that you love him? You can love him, but does that mean you need to be with him? Yours is quite the selfless love right now.

 

If you're willing to love him and forget about you and your needs and your feelings, and you don't care about being in a committed, honest relationship with someone who returns your loyalty, then you can indeed give yourself permission to try to get him back. Effectively, though, this means loving some loose, reckless, feeble-minded selfish arsehat more than you love yourself. And I think that's a huge insult to your Self. And, as your distant electronic friend, I don't like it a bit.

[Cratsky]

You poor thing. I really feel for you.

 

While your initial urge is to hold on and try to make it work etc, maybe this time apart (at least 1-2 months of no contact) will give you some time to digest what's happened and think about whether you truly are capable of forgiving someone (based on your own morals/principles) who has acted in such a manner and also to figure out if you're just having a knee jerk reaction to the thought of being alone and single again. Being in a partnership always has its financial benefits, as well as convenience of companionship etc. Its the routine of relationships that can be hardest to relinquish.

 

When we look for the best in people, we fail to see the potential people have to make mistakes and be plain mean. I know you have a history together and there were good times.

 

With that in mind, I recommend you at least give yourself time to mourn the fact your old relationship is definately over. If after some time you still want to give it a go, you must realise it will be as two different people because this person you thought you knew just cheated on you. You are not the same two people anymore based on that evidence.

 

Is it better to be happy alone or to stay in an unhappy relationship? That's something to think about.

[Fern]

I just don't see what they have as true love: they spent the last four months sneaking around in a fog of adrenaline. I think they mistook the thrill of the deceit and the lying for love. I am convinced that it will crash and burn quite soon. Not that that does me any good. The other guy is 30 years old, and has never had any kind of relationship at all until this. Quite frankly, I think the merest scrap of attention he would interpret as undying love. He is on medication for depression, gave up on CBT because it wasn't working. He has attempted suicide, and sobs at the tiniest hint of rejection. It's bad for me to think of this, but I can't help but hope that his neediness starts to become repellent to my ex.

 

In summary, I guess my main question is: once a guy moves in with The Other Guy, is all hope gone of a reconciliation? And: how stable are such relationships? The last question is less relevant really, I know it's an unhealthy thing to dwell on, but I seem unable to let it go.

 

I relate so much to this sentiment. I've had the exact same thoughts and feelings about my ex and his new girlfriend. We were together 6 years and he hasn't moved in with her yet, but they're diving head forst into something serious already. I think you and I just need to come to terms with the fact that our exes are damaged people to be this stupid and destructive at their age. Did your partner have a decent relationship model to look up to in his early years? Were his parents happy? If so - then perhaps it's just a midlife crisis or a reaction to some recent trauma. Maybe he'll come to realise what he had with you and miss you - after a few months living with this unstable new partner. Maybe he'll come to his senses and realise that 'passion' doesn't last forever, no matter who you're with and that eventually you need to commit to making a relationship work if you want to have a lasting one. You know him well enough to know how likely that is. For my part, my ex is so immature and selfish that I'm pretty sure he'll move onto another 'new' passion after things with this current chippy turn to **** (which they inevitably will eventually). I don't think he's capable of learning a lesson from this. And I'm coming to the point where I'm glad to be rid of him. I just need to build up my self-esteem again. Being rejected for someone else - especially when that someone is MENTAL, is difficult. What happened here is HIS fault, not yours. Just keep that in mind when you're thinking about how to deal with your situation. He's not a good person. Not really, if he can do this to you after 8 years and treat it so casually.

[Don Ho]

I don't think it matters much about your orientation. I will give you the same advice I would give a guy with a gal: don't be a pussy. Bro, he CHEATED on you and lied to you repeatedly. In my book that is a deal breaker. Done deal. Once a cheater always a cheater. Now he is with the OM. Good. Let him make his life miserable. Honestly, I know it hurts and you feel miserable, but you're way better off without him. Grow your balls back and stop acting like a girl.

[melenkurion]

lapse: Heh, interesting you see it as selfless. I see my love as utterly selfish. I think I am just hopelessly naive? This is really the only major relationship of my life, so this breakup is huge to me. I have in my head this idea that love is all that counts. Plus: all the good times over the years add up to a lot.

 

BUT: I know in my head you are right. I can't have it back the same way. I want him back, but he would have to be respectful of my needs and my feelings. He is being an a*s right now. I am doing my best to love myself, and take care of myself.

 

cratsky: I think another month of no contact is needed so that I can think more clearly. I thought initially I'd be thinking straight after one month, but I certainly am not. I talked to a friend, about differing attitudes to forgiveness. I was always brought up to believe that forgiveness was always possible, if there is genuine contrition (as different from shame, guilt and so on). I think that runs deep in me. I'd prefer to be happy alone than unhappy with him, for sure.

 

Fern: His parents had a pretty solid marriage as far as I can tell. They are settled and content. They have said they had their ups and downs, but they are very much together now. He complains that they were overly strict with him as a child, and maybe that is true. No more than most, I would say. He's very stubborn, however. he said once his mind is made up, he never goes back on it. I think there are elements of mid-life crisis: his career is basically going nowhere, and this is becoming more and more apparent as time passes and he makes no real progress. I think he is damaged: there are recognisable elements of narcissism in his behaviour (I don't just mean in this area). Maybe he is a bad person: he called himself a wrongun when he gave me the breakup speech. His own parents said he wasn't a very nice person (though I think they were referring to his cowardly breakup behaviour). My own thoughts are that there are neither good nor bad people as such: you know them by the sum of their good and their bad acts. I am reminding myself all the time that none of this was my fault ;-) At first I attached most of the blame to The Other Guy --- he was a friend, after all. While I still despise him utterly, he never betrayed any promises to me.

[melenkurion]

I don't think it matters much about your orientation. I will give you the same advice I would give a guy with a gal: don't be a pussy. Bro, he CHEATED on you and lied to you repeatedly. In my book that is a deal breaker. Done deal. Once a cheater always a cheater. Now he is with the OM. Good. Let him make his life miserable. Honestly, I know it hurts and you feel miserable, but you're way better off without him. Grow your balls back and stop acting like a girl.

 

I went for a long run this morning, and that's exactly how I was feeling as I was running. Somehow, exercise does seem to make my thoughts less clouded with emotion. I need to get a lot more of it. I know I will slip back to wanting him back, but this is the first time I have genuinely thought "they are welcome to each other". Regarding the lying, they flat out denied the affair twice, until I found the smoking gun. The first time they made me feel terrible for even daring to think such thoughts. Losers.

[lapse]

I went for a long run this morning, and that's exactly how I was feeling as I was running. Somehow, exercise does seem to make my thoughts less clouded with emotion. I need to get a lot more of it. I know I will slip back to wanting him back, but this is the first time I have genuinely thought "they are welcome to each other".

 

Oh my. I could engulf you in one gynormous dinosaur hug. Dinosaws, Dinosaws! Yay!

 

OMG. Re: that last part about them trying to make you feel guilty for "even daring to think such a thing." Man, I had this friend a few years ago who was married to this guy who worked at a bar. The guy was having an affair with her best friend, who owned the bar. For months, she suspected something was up. When she talked to the bar-owner/"best friend" about it, the "best friend" sat her down and had a long talk about how concerned she was about her... that she didn't even trust her best friend (and also her husband)... that she must be terribly insecure as a person... they were her closest friends and to even think such a thing illustrated how messed up she was emotionally (according to the best friend)... she was oh-so-so-concerned about her and thought she seriously needed counseling. The whole time those two were screwing and sending each other sexy text messages and emails. And my friend... was going to counseling to try to 'fix' her self-esteem and trust problems. Eventually (after months of counseling) she did find the emails, etc. Serious damage. God that makes me mad.

 

Anyone, anyone who tries to make you second guess your intuition is nixed, imo. Anyone who tries hard to convince you that you are crazy because you don't trust them... major red flag. I just can't even verbalize how angry that makes me and how unacceptable it is. Oh. It just makes me so spitting mad when people try to make you second guess your correct intuition. That is the ultimate in selfishness. I could spit on them.

[melenkurion]

Oh my. I could engulf you in one gynormous dinosaur hug. Dinosaws, Dinosaws! Yay!

 

I know I will relapse again. But it's a start, right?

 

When she talked to the bar-owner/"best friend" about it, the "best friend" sat her down and had a long talk about how concerned she was about her... that she didn't even trust her best friend (and also her husband)... that she must be terribly insecure as a person... they were her closest friends and to even think such a thing illustrated how messed up she was emotionally

 

That is so cruel. Unbelievable. Classic gaslighting: I can't believe how someone could let that go so far without a flicker of guilt. I wasn't subjected to that, I was just told I had misheard what had been said and I should not jump to conclusions. And so stayed up half the night consoling Other Guy with his imaginary problem.

[Don Ho]

I went for a long run this morning, and that's exactly how I was feeling as I was running. Somehow, exercise does seem to make my thoughts less clouded with emotion. I need to get a lot more of it. I know I will slip back to wanting him back, but this is the first time I have genuinely thought "they are welcome to each other". Regarding the lying, they flat out denied the affair twice, until I found the smoking gun. The first time they made me feel terrible for even daring to think such thoughts. Losers.

 

Good for you. Keep up the exercise. Yes, you will have times that you miss him and want him back. But they will become fewer and further between. Glad you had an epiphany today that they deserve each other. Keep that thought in mind. A little anger is a whole lot better than being depressed. They are losers. Let one of them or both screw the other one over.

[ShannonMI]

Wow! I could have written some of this post myself. I was with my ex for 8 years as well and he cheated on me. One of his reasons was that we lacked that insane passion that you have in the beginning of a relationship. I told him that those feelings don't last. I told him that love evolves from the crazy passion stage into a move comfortable deeper love. He didn't want to hear it of course. He dropped the breakup bomb on me at the end of May. I later found out that he had found someone else and he had cheated with her a week before he even told me he wanted to breakup. He left me for a young college girl. I had no idea he was unhappy. He never gave any indication.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You were married which makes this so much more difficult. I don't think there is a chance with him again. I realize you love him, but if you were to get back together, would you be able to trust him again? Probably not. And if he isn't willing to see a counselor then he's not interested in working it out. Both of you have to be on board to try to fix things. He doesn't seem to want to. I would try to move on from this. I know it's easier said then done. I've been struggling for the last 6 months with my breakup. I have started dating again and it's going well. I suggest you do the same thing. Give yourself some time to heal from this and then try to move on.

I guess I am asking the age old question we all want to know.

 

I'm a gay male in my late thirties. I've been with my partner for eight years, and in a civil partnership for three.

 

A month ago, I found out that my partner had had a physical and emotional affair with a friend of hours. They met for sex at lunchtimes, in our house. There were three weekends away (using the "visiting old friends" excuse). I started to suspect, and was dishonourable and went through his phone. There were messages arranging to meet for sex, they were telling each other they loved each other, and what an amazing connection they had. When I confronted my partner, he bolted. He just said "I am going", and drove off to a friend's place initially, and then to his parents. For the rest of that week, I heard nothing from him. I did contact him a little bit, but not daily. Alas, I made the mistake of calling his friends, which probably did little good. When we both got home, we met up, and he told me that he doesn't think we can move past this, that I would never trust him again, and that we would never again have what we had before. The main thing he said was that the passion between us had died a long time ago. I think he is looking for something that doesn't exist. The crazy, lunatic passion he seems to want cannot be sustained: you get two years of that if you are incredibly lucky, and then you move on to a more mature bonding.

 

He did say that we were happy for almost all of our time together, that he still loved me, but that love was not enough. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring any more, just had it on a chain round his neck. I told him I still wanted to try and fight and make things work, that I wanted to give counselling a shot. I said I thought it a tragedy to throw away eight happy years over one infatuation. He just doesn't believe in counselling.

 

We were in contact for about a week after that, but it was so much on his terms that I went into no contact because it was upsetting me. When I had asked him about contact, he had said "Of course you can get in contact, and I will reply if I feel like it". Stinks, really. I honestly didn't break contact to play games with him, I just found it was messing with my head. Every day I was waiting to hear from him. If I did, it gave me a tiny bit of hope: "I can take the despair, it's the hope I can't stand". In the end, I asked him not to contact me until he heard from me that I was OK with it. He sent a snotty message back about picking up his stuff, but I haven't heard anything from him otherwise. I think he is probably relieved I am out of his life. He hates any reminder that he has done a Bad Thing, he cannot deal with guilt. He isn't very good at dealing with anything much: I said he seemed to be doing OK, and his reply was "Well I've put it all in a little box and slammed the lid shut".

 

I've not been in any contact apart from telling him not to contact me for three weeks now.

 

I know that he has now moved in with the other guy a couple of weeks ago. That really upsets me. The hurt is getting less each day, but it is still there.

 

I guess what I am asking is that is there any chance at all? Should I just give up? I love my ex still, despite what has happened. We had a good marriage for most of the time, I think, we just lost our way this last year. My head tells me he is gone for good, but my heart is having trouble letting go. Which is correct?

 

I just don't see what they have as true love: they spent the last four months sneaking around in a fog of adrenaline. I think they mistook the thrill of the deceit and the lying for love. I am convinced that it will crash and burn quite soon. Not that that does me any good. The other guy is 30 years old, and has never had any kind of relationship at all until this. Quite frankly, I think the merest scrap of attention he would interpret as undying love. He is on medication for depression, gave up on CBT because it wasn't working. He has attempted suicide, and sobs at the tiniest hint of rejection. It's bad for me to think of this, but I can't help but hope that his neediness starts to become repellent to my ex.

 

In summary, I guess my main question is: once a guy moves in with The Other Guy, is all hope gone of a reconciliation? And: how stable are such relationships? The last question is less relevant really, I know it's an unhealthy thing to dwell on, but I seem unable to let it go.

[melenkurion]

One of his reasons was that we lacked that insane passion that you have in the beginning of a relationship. I told him that those feelings don't last. I told him that love evolves from the crazy passion stage into a move comfortable deeper love.

 

Yup, I told him exactly that. I think yours and mine are monumental idiots if that is what they are expecting out of life. It does not last!

 

And if he isn't willing to see a counselor then he's not interested in working it out. Both of you have to be on board to try to fix things. He doesn't seem to want to.

 

Nope. The grass is so much greener . I'm getting there. It's only a month, so I am still very much in thrall to my emotions.

 

You were married which makes this so much more difficult.

 

That was a big deal to me, to stand up in front of all those dearest to us and say "this is for real". When I was young, I never thought I would get to that point. It's not something I entered into lightly.

[melenkurion]

He contacted me on Friday to let me know his is coming to pick his stuff up. He is moving into a flat of his on next Saturday.

 

That really is the end.

[Fern]

He contacted me on Friday to let me know his is coming to pick his stuff up. He is moving into a flat of his on next Saturday.

 

That really is the end.

 

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. It does get better. xxx

[Don Ho]

He contacted me on Friday to let me know his is coming to pick his stuff up. He is moving into a flat of his on next Saturday. That really is the end.

I know you feel miserable, but you're better off without him. Look at it this way: now HE is HIS problem!!

[melenkurion]

When he turned up, he was pretty much gutless. He couldn't bring himself to speak to me at all. He walked through the door without speaking, and when I said "hello" he just nodded. Spineless weasel.

 

He definitely has been living with Other Guy for the last three weeks, I know this for certain now. My ex went apes**t at his best friend when he thought she had told me this. She is fast running out of patience with him.

 

I'm through with him. There's not a chance in hell I would have him back, now. He managed to fall out with his best friend, who put him put him up for two weeks, rent free. Once he moved in with Other Guy, she never heard anything for two weeks, until he needed something. It wasn't convenient for her, and he told her she wasn't being very supportive of him. To be honest, at the moment I am struggling to think what exactly I saw in him. I could do way, way better. Other Guy is more than welcome to him. He can parasitize some other host now. I actually feel sorry for Other Guy, marginally: he made some attempt to stop this, initially, unlike my ex. He is going to end up very, very hurt.

[melenkurion]

I know you feel miserable, but you're better off without him. Look at it this way: now HE is HIS problem!!

 

I don't feel miserable about HIM any more. Maybe this will pass, but I think he is a complete and utter tosser. He's not behaved well at any stage of the breakup. When I think about it without the blinkers of love, then he hasn't behaved all that well for most of our time together.

[Don Ho]

Glad you've come to that realization. Sounds like you're doing much better. Good for you!!

[melenkurion]

At the moment he is behaving like a total jerk, so it's very easy to feel this way. Currently, I have to have some contact with him, because he is moving his stuff out. He is not being considerate (he didn't say a single word on his last visit).

 

Once I am no longer in any contact with him again, I might start to mellow towards him again. Dunno. Hope not.

[melenkurion]

I have no idea why, but today I really missed him a lot. I've even got visitors staying for the weekend, and was really busy. But still missed him. I suppose it's cos some stuff I've been doing reminds me of him.

 

Right now I'm weak enough to want him back. I hope that passes quickly this time.

[Fern]

I have no idea why, but today I really missed him a lot. I've even got visitors staying for the weekend, and was really busy. But still missed him. I suppose it's cos some stuff I've been doing reminds me of him.

 

Right now I'm weak enough to want him back. I hope that passes quickly this time.

 

I think that's normal. After seeing my ex last weekend I had a pretty difficult week. I missed him loads. Thought about him loads. Dreamt about him every night. Strangely, after a week of thinking about him and our relationship more than I have since the initial split (since going NC I've avoided thinking about him as much as possible), I feel kind of...resigned, but in a good way. I'm able (at the moment at least) to think about both the good and bad things without feeling so raw. Right now I'm thinking 'I still miss him...but you know what...it'll pass.'

 

Allow yourself to miss him and let go. I'm still not 100% there on the letting go front, but every little depressive dip I have I come out of it feeling a little bit closer to allowing myself to accept that we're never going to be together again. And feeling OK about it. I'm sure I'll be back on here again during the week in agony again ...but this too will pass.

 

Keep counting your blessings my friend - you're obviously a good person with everything going for you and many, many people who love and support you. In six months you'll not know what you saw in him and he'll be the one ruing the day he was stupid enough to let you slip through his fingers.

When I look at it rationally, my life has not been made WORSE in any way -except for the stupid broken heart bit - than it was before by my split. In fact, in many ways it's actually better. I have more money to spend on me, I have a nicer flat now, I live with someone I'm not constantly on eggshells around, all of 'our' friends (and quite a number of his friends) are still friends with me and disgusted with him. Give me a few months and I'm going to be on top of the world.

 

2011 is our year Melenkurion! I'm taking the rest of 2010 to take stock and lick my wounds but by February 2011 I'm determined to be a new, improved me who is so far over him he'd need a helicopter to see me.

 

So be sad if you need to. Each time is another step closer towards being over it. I know there is far more in store for you and me both. So much fun and love and positivity in our future. This will be the making of us. Roll on 2011! x

[melenkurion]

Thank you Fern! That post is so helpful.

 

You seem better able to put him out of your mind than I am. I wonder if you have any idea why this might be? Is it practical stuff, since you were the one to move out and so had that stuff to keep you occupied? Or do you have a technique?

 

Rationalising, I think that what has happened is that my anger with him for his scummy behaviour last weekend has worn off somewhat. And with my visitors, I was doing "nice" things, some of which were things he and I used to do together. That was hard, but probably necessary. I need to detoxify this stuff. Maybe it was a little soon. But next time will be easier.

 

Keep counting your blessings my friend - you're obviously a good person with everything going for you and many, many people who love and support you.

Ta! I really need to do that, I really do. People have been so very, very good and kind to me. Like you, that includes his friends. I am blessed. As far as I can tell, he isn't in much contact at all with his old friends, spending all his time with Him. I don't always feel a good person at the moment: the amount that I hate Other Guy is quite frightening to me. If I were an absolute monarch, his head would be on a pole by now.

 

In six months you'll not know what you saw in him and he'll be the one ruing the day he was stupid enough to let you slip through his fingers.

My current fantasy isn't really healthy: in a few months time, I want him to beg me to let him back, and for me to be strong enough to say "No way". Not out of revenge, I hope, by then. But because I know it is bad for me.

 

When I look at it rationally, my life has not been made WORSE in any way -except for the stupid broken heart bit - than it was before by my split. In fact, in many ways it's actually better.

I need to try to see things that way, it's a very positive attitude. It's the same for sure. A lot of the time I really was walking on eggshells, exactly as you describe. I can have visitors for the weekend, something he was trying to scotch when it was first discussed. The only thing that really gets to me is the empty house, and feeling lonely at home. It sounds like you are doing great, really. An inspiration!

 

2011 is our year Melenkurion! I'm taking the rest of 2010 to take stock and lick my wounds but by February 2011 I'm determined to be a new, improved me who is so far over him he'd need a helicopter to see me.

I love that! 2010 was a pretty awful year, seen in retrospect. 2011 will be great year for us both!

[melenkurion]

He came round yesterday to pick up the last of his stuff...

 

For once, his text message was polite: not "I am coming round tonight", it was "If it's OK, could I come round tonight?". I ought to stop reading too much into that kind of nuance, but I can't, yet.

 

He was much friendlier than the last time. We chatted a little bit, he asked after my visitors that weekend (he knows them too). He told me he likes his new flat, so far. He seemed a bit sad, maybe a bit regretful, but I know that doesn't really mean anything. He had many, many chances to have behaved better, to have done the decent thing. I think his main regret is getting caught. That meant he wasn't able to spin this, the whole sorry mess came out and was out of his control.

 

It's not changed my mind, the fact that he was considerate this time. To be honest, it made me more certain: I would not take him back.