Has ANYONE got over jealousy with partners past??!

[toad.in.the.dungeon]

I suffer from Retrospective Jealousy, I'd love to hear from anyone that has a similar condition that has "come to terms with it??" coz theres gotta be someway of getting away than where I'm at.

 

Rather than tell a story here are some points that hit the mark for me

 

My partner and I lack of balance or comparable experiences.

- Is there anyone out there who still has RJ and has been for want of a better word "promiscuous" in there past or, is it limited to people who lack variation in sexual partners

 

I feel the need to secure some special place in my lovers life, and I connect this with sex somehow

 

I fear that its just a big game of self-gratification and objectification

 

I feel as though her sexual past has been a survival topic, giving me a fight/flight response.

 

This is different for men and women - if you focus on establishing the emotional intimacy, you will see the RJ fade over time.

Not yet intact it gets worse over time

 

RJ is damaging what I love and attacks the intimacy in the relationship

 

Its definitely consistent with obsessive compulsive disorder in that I always go there. Although I don't ask questions, don't dig into the past.

 

 

Any post would be welcome

except those how point out the obvious i.e. the past is the past, date a virgin, its my problem (no ****!) etc etc

[someotherguy]

You should check out some of my threads, I've had some issues just like yours, and I'm still coming to grips with them. In my case, she has been far more promiscuous than me.

 

I can tell you that for me at least, it's getting better with time.

 

As time passes and she's consistent in her love for me, and making me an important part of her life, it is easier to handle how she behaved before.

 

It's also important to recognize that everyone treats sex differently. Heck, sex in different relationships even means something different .It's all terribly complicated.

 

If she says she loves you, and wants to be with you, and is faithful to you, and doesn't lie to you or deceive you, what are you worried about?

 

The jealousy is all in your head, and you need to be in control of it instead of letting it control you.

 

Ask yourself, what is it about their previous lovers that makes you so jealous? Do you think they were better in bed? That they were more endowed than you? Smarter? Funnier?

 

Well, if they were so great, then why did they all get ditched for you? You won, my friend. In the end, you came home with the prize, so why are you so hell bent on throwing it all away?

 

You are obviously pretty awesome in your SO's eyes, so why don't you act like it?

[toad.in.the.dungeon]

To her, the situation on the surface appears perfect! but for me... underneath its this blend of insecurity feuled by low self esteem, no matter that I compare ontop of everyone else.I feel jealous (and probably envious) of a situation that is out of my control and not even relevant to the current!

 

This is an old problem for me the crux of which seems to be experiencing normal jealousy i.e. of a real and current threat to relationship, but comparing it to the past retrospectively. I understand the paternity investment issue but still feel threatened by her sexual variation with others, this undermines the intimacy factor and opens up doubt and distrust both of her and in me and is regardless of how great the current situation is.

 

So to control jealousy is to

 

1. ignore it by suppressing/denying it
   
2. think about something else as an alternative
   
3. find an agony aunt, hang in there and ride it out
   
4. reduce it by removing or devaluing relationship
   
5. self access
   

Any further ideas???

[road]

This is not cheating

 

There is no problem if you both are having great SF now

 

If it bothers you still I ask were you a vigin before you met her?

 

If you wanted a virgin then you should be one

 

People have lived a life before they meet others

[dreamingoftigers]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=229288

 

These feelings really suck and I am very familiar with them,having suffered from RJ. I had two actual full-on sexual partners and my husband had approx 60 before we met.

 

It was a very tough road for me for a lot of years. One thing that helped was EMDR therapy. I talk about it a lot in this forum because it helped me with a lot of things.

 

I think a lot of it came from my dysfunctional family, but I am not sure exactly how, I think a fear that my partner felt he was missing his "exciting" past by settling with me (and my emotional self).

 

I also would wonder how often he would reminisce about his past, or feel bad that some other girl that he really wanted dumped his ass and that he was longing for that.

 

I think it comes from us feeling unworthy and unable to trust someone's intentions. We think "I may just be another notch on this person's bedpost."

 

I often wonder if RJ is a sign that maybe they haven't let go of that past and we kind of deep down know it.

 

I only know that after EMDR I didn't suffer from the affects of it anymore and that I was able to let it go.

 

Of course you aren't going to trade in someone you are attached to emotionally etc. because you have this issue. When you get into the relationship you figure that you can overcome it and wait it out.

 

If it was a virgin you were with, you would be uncomfortable with them wondering if they were longing for other sexual experiences, right? It just wouldn't be as bad is all.

[toad.in.the.dungeon]

Thanks for the posts - more snippets of gold for me.

 

Interesting how the assumption is that the incompatibility is due to the number of past partners. Does this then imply that in order to have a loving relationship with out being oversensitive to past rumination I’m limited to loving someone with comparable experiences?

Does it also mean the more people you ***k the less impact jealousy has because of greater experience in variation and ultimately greater affinity to one you finally end up with?

 

I think there is a hint of truth in this, I’m no angel and certainly not a virgin.

 

The compulsion to reminisce about the past is a constant battle. Men feel threatened by past sexual pyhisical experiences rather than the emotional closeness - the comparison here is that shes had something more fantastic than I can provide = insecurity. Even if she says no, there is a overwhelming need to be the first, to be find a unique intimacy.

 

I often wonder if it stems from envy of her past. Envy occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it, do I need to destroy this relationship just to for fill my perceived desire to sow my wild oats, live a a wild life?, is the grass greener?, can I find a better match?

 

“Is RJ is a sign that maybe they haven't let go of that past and we kind of deep down know it”. Am I the last resort?, the only one left who is willing to have then after so many didn't?.

 

To quote “looking back” I agree it is dumb needless pain, but it happens and is real.

My experience with professional help has been mixed. The problem I feel is that this problem has many arms to it that can't be covered and unfortunately I too am hyper sensitive.

 

She doesn't suffer from this at all in fact I think shes proud of sexual exploits and a wild past,

women, it is said can have as many men as they choose they just have to set the bar accordingly - men don't run the risk of getting pregnant, or have that corresponding nurturing emotion, males in nature are preprogrammed to spread there genes.

 

All this begs the question who is “best” suited to people like me? the nagging conclusion is no-one until I can come to terms with this disorder.

[oldguy]

First of all regarding the, "past is the past" theorists, try using that one when your trying to secure a loan with a poor credit rating. I'm just saying... that past is the past "get out of jail card" doesn't work in the real world.

 

For instance; If your someones number five or six in two years you might want to consider coming back in 10 years when that persons gotten past their current phase.

 

Having gotten that off my chest, most, if not all, RJ issues belong to the person who owns them and are usually a result of your own past and the security issues you are living with. Discover and deal with that and your RJ problems will resolve themselves. Sorry, thats as easy as that answer gets for most.

 

Rarely but sometimes there are just comparability differences but that usually presents itself differently and jealousy isn't the real issue.

[ThisIsStillMe]

People say "Past is a past!"

What is past? What is life?

My life is my past, present n future.

Her life is her past, present n future.

If we r together, our lives is both our past, both our present n both our future.

Hence, past is not a past in a relationship.

Past is still a part of her life. therefore if we r together, her past will be part of my life. So to be with that someone we need to be fine with her past. It will be hard.

 

P.S. Maybe u don't suit to be with her. Better phrase, she with that past doesn't suit u too. As they are always someone better for you. "the grass is always greener..."

[FreeheartLover]

My boyfriend has RJ because I've had several partners in the past, and am friendly with exes, and live near some exes, and see them all over my small town pretty often.

One of them even served us dinner at a bar one time, gave me a hug, and comped our meal and drinks. I didn't tell my bf that the guy was an ex-lover until afterwards, and he said "Ohh, that makes sense, how you looked at eachother and how he hugged you. He was nice, honestly, but that makes me uncomfortable."

I understand that! I tried to steer him away from that bar/restaurant but he wanted to go in. I didn't want to say "Oh, I guy I used to eff works there, let's go somewhere else."

Anyways...my boyfriend has had 4x the partners I've had, but I'm not jealous of his past lovers...unless he talks about them, one in particular he uses as an example during "relationship" type conversations. I get tired of it, and I'm like why do you always bring her up? You talk about her almost every day to me, yet claim to be over it and it was a bad relationship...but you suffer some emotional damage from it because you "changed" the way you are in relationships partly because of it!

I digress...His exes aren't all over town. He lives an hour from me, and he just moved there in the past year, and I'm his first serious girlfriend. I have been in my town for 6 years, and it's a tiny town, and I've had many lovers here in those 6 years. So my exes are all over the place, and I don't care. They're nice guys. I don't regret anything.

My boyfriend, however, is uncomfortable with my friendliness with them and my proximity to them. Nothing I can do about that.

[tryingtocurerj]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=229288

 

These feelings really suck and I am very familiar with them,having suffered from RJ. I had two actual full-on sexual partners and my husband had approx 60 before we met.

 

It was a very tough road for me for a lot of years. One thing that helped was EMDR therapy. I talk about it a lot in this forum because it helped me with a lot of things.

 

I think a lot of it came from my dysfunctional family, but I am not sure exactly how, I think a fear that my partner felt he was missing his "exciting" past by settling with me (and my emotional self).

 

I also would wonder how often he would reminisce about his past, or feel bad that some other girl that he really wanted dumped his ass and that he was longing for that.

 

I think it comes from us feeling unworthy and unable to trust someone's intentions. We think "I may just be another notch on this person's bedpost."

 

I often wonder if RJ is a sign that maybe they haven't let go of that past and we kind of deep down know it.

 

I only know that after EMDR I didn't suffer from the affects of it anymore and that I was able to let it go.

 

Of course you aren't going to trade in someone you are attached to emotionally etc. because you have this issue. When you get into the relationship you figure that you can overcome it and wait it out.

 

If it was a virgin you were with, you would be uncomfortable with them wondering if they were longing for other sexual experiences, right? It just wouldn't be as bad is all.

 

 

I joined this forum purely to ask you about EMDR. How has it helped you? I've gotten a similiar treatment Rapid Eye Therapy over a molestation that happened a long time ago, and tried Rapid Eye for my Retroactive-jealousy but it didn't quite do the same thing. So I'm very very very curious about EMDR. What was your experience with it? How has it changed things and affected you?

[quanisha]

I have found patterns in the way I handle my boyfriends' past. My first boyfriend and I never had sex, (but we were in hs)... he had been with more girls before I even kissed a guy. We were together for two years, then he cheated on me. I never really got over that, but I was always curious to why he never wanted to sleep with me. Later I found out, he just wanted to fool around with everybody...and I am more of a one guy at a time kinda girl.

 

In college, I went out with a guy twenty years my senior. Yea, yea, yea...such a cliche, but it happened. I also happened to sleep with him, he later went on to tell me of his sexual past. He told me about how he loved virgins, because they didn't have any 'baggage', basically it was just easier for him emotionally. He was really into flirting a lot and I hated that. I didn't know how to handle it, so I would fight with him all the time.

 

I guess I felt like I was jipped because when I met him I was a virgin, and I didn't find out about his past until afterwards. It would be nice to be with someone who didn't have some much history or complications. But, I dealt with it, because I loved him. He then told me of a time when he was young and stupid, and had sex with a prostitute!!! I was so enraged by this, not just the emotional, and moral grounds of it all, but the health issues and diseases he could have, and how that could have affected me. We went out for three years...I stopped seeing because it just wasn't working out.

 

My third boyfriend happened months after I broke up with the last. When we first met, he poured on the charm, he was very sweet and very devoted to me. I decided it was time to move on, so I gave him a chance. Once we slept together, he told me he was a virgin, and that he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I finally found someone without the baggage of my last two bfs. Slowly but surely, I found out there were cracks in my theory, that it's not just about the past gfs and the women they slept with. It's a little bit of everything, from who they are, to how they treat me, how they react in certain situations, as well as what I do.

 

I was with him for four years, he was very good to me, but in the end he was very immature and gave up on me. I found out that he still was in love with his old gf. They wrote each other online, talked on the phone, he went to her graduation...little did he know I went there to surprise him...low and behold there he was hugging her, and talking to her in a corner away from everyone else. Totally lame.

 

He never gave me a real chance, I was just the gf after his first love. I was very good to him, but nothing was enough. I ended up loving him, more than he loved me, and I got hurt a lot. He dumped me this past fall, on my birthday no less, right after my parents divorced and I was about to move with my mom...because I wouldn't live with him, or marry him I guess. I will never know. He dumped me on FB...I still blame him and his quick fix to being lonely and pouring all these emotions on me. He wasn't over his ex, and he never will be. Now I am just another ex...that he happened to sleep with.

 

So, what I'm saying is, it just depends on who you are, what you are willing to handle. I know it becomes apart of your relationship, I don't mean to be jealous, but it is an issue. I got obsessed with knowing the truth of my bfs past. Also I believe it delves into cheating a bit, not really that they cheated on you, but if it's in their past to do so, what makes you so sure they won't cheat on you? I am a serial monogamist. I have issues with cheating, because my dad cheated on my mom several times. I am definitely not an expert in things like this, but it is a subject I, myself, am curious about, and why we even think about it.

 

So, now I just have to live with that, learn from the past, and find someone new who can deal with my past bfs, and my hangups...I'm not perfect, but I know who I am...at least I think I do.

[phillyfan]

I suffer from Retrospective Jealousy, I'd love to hear from anyone that has a similar condition that has "come to terms with it??" coz theres gotta be someway of getting away than where I'm at.

 

Rather than tell a story here are some points that hit the mark for me

 

My partner and I lack of balance or comparable experiences.

- Is there anyone out there who still has RJ and has been for want of a better word "promiscuous" in there past or, is it limited to people who lack variation in sexual partners

 

I feel the need to secure some special place in my lovers life, and I connect this with sex somehow

 

I fear that its just a big game of self-gratification and objectification

 

I feel as though her sexual past has been a survival topic, giving me a fight/flight response.

 

This is different for men and women - if you focus on establishing the emotional intimacy, you will see the RJ fade over time.

Not yet intact it gets worse over time

 

RJ is damaging what I love and attacks the intimacy in the relationship

 

Its definitely consistent with obsessive compulsive disorder in that I always go there. Although I don't ask questions, don't dig into the past.

 

 

Any post would be welcome

except those how point out the obvious i.e. the past is the past, date a virgin, its my problem (no ****!) etc etc

 

LOL dude well what can I say, u aint alone, I just saw that 1500 ppl have viewed this post! And yea u hit the nail on the head u go get therapy, cos the truth is, it aint wrong for the girl 2 have had a life b4 u. U own this - it is ur problem, not hers. I guess theres a reason in ur past or somethin that is causin u 2 think this way, but it aint the girl who is wrong, the girl has the rite to live her life the way she wants, not to keep herself like some nun to please some dude.

[phillyfan]

I have found patterns in the way I handle my boyfriends' past. My first boyfriend and I never had sex, (but we were in hs)... he had been with more girls before I even kissed a guy. We were together for two years, then he cheated on me. I never really got over that, but I was always curious to why he never wanted to sleep with me. Later I found out, he just wanted to fool around with everybody...and I am more of a one guy at a time kinda girl.

 

In college, I went out with a guy twenty years my senior. Yea, yea, yea...such a cliche, but it happened. I also happened to sleep with him, he later went on to tell me of his sexual past. He told me about how he loved virgins, because they didn't have any 'baggage', basically it was just easier for him emotionally. He was really into flirting a lot and I hated that. I didn't know how to handle it, so I would fight with him all the time.

 

I guess I felt like I was jipped because when I met him I was a virgin, and I didn't find out about his past until afterwards. It would be nice to be with someone who didn't have some much history or complications. But, I dealt with it, because I loved him. He then told me of a time when he was young and stupid, and had sex with a prostitute!!! I was so enraged by this, not just the emotional, and moral grounds of it all, but the health issues and diseases he could have, and how that could have affected me. We went out for three years...I stopped seeing because it just wasn't working out.

 

My third boyfriend happened months after I broke up with the last. When we first met, he poured on the charm, he was very sweet and very devoted to me. I decided it was time to move on, so I gave him a chance. Once we slept together, he told me he was a virgin, and that he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I finally found someone without the baggage of my last two bfs. Slowly but surely, I found out there were cracks in my theory, that it's not just about the past gfs and the women they slept with. It's a little bit of everything, from who they are, to how they treat me, how they react in certain situations, as well as what I do.

 

I was with him for four years, he was very good to me, but in the end he was very immature and gave up on me. I found out that he still was in love with his old gf. They wrote each other online, talked on the phone, he went to her graduation...little did he know I went there to surprise him...low and behold there he was hugging her, and talking to her in a corner away from everyone else. Totally lame.

 

He never gave me a real chance, I was just the gf after his first love. I was very good to him, but nothing was enough. I ended up loving him, more than he loved me, and I got hurt a lot. He dumped me this past fall, on my birthday no less, right after my parents divorced and I was about to move with my mom...because I wouldn't live with him, or marry him I guess. I will never know. He dumped me on FB...I still blame him and his quick fix to being lonely and pouring all these emotions on me. He wasn't over his ex, and he never will be. Now I am just another ex...that he happened to sleep with.

 

So, what I'm saying is, it just depends on who you are, what you are willing to handle. I know it becomes apart of your relationship, I don't mean to be jealous, but it is an issue. I got obsessed with knowing the truth of my bfs past. Also I believe it delves into cheating a bit, not really that they cheated on you, but if it's in their past to do so, what makes you so sure they won't cheat on you? I am a serial monogamist. I have issues with cheating, because my dad cheated on my mom several times. I am definitely not an expert in things like this, but it is a subject I, myself, am curious about, and why we even think about it.

 

So, now I just have to live with that, learn from the past, and find someone new who can deal with my past bfs, and my hangups...I'm not perfect, but I know who I am...at least I think I do.

 

Jus read this post - DUDE you are a doll. Dont let those losers get u down, u will meet prince charming some day n be treated like the princess u r, u belive that. Jus wanted to say that cos u sounded beaten down by these losers. I guess meetin the losers will make meetin the great guy THAT much sweeter, u go girl, be fierce

[aiires]

I had a horrible case of what you would call retrospective jealousy. I can tell you the whole story... I grew up in a religious household so I didn't get around much. When I finally got a boyfriend, the fact that he had sex with his last girlfriend and was in love with her and had the whole package bothered me. Beyond bothered me. It CONSUMED me. I was also bipolar, unmedicated, and did not accept that I had this condition. I one time saw a vague sexual reference she had posted when messing on his account like a year prior to me looking there, many months before we started dating. I felt very dizzy and faint, began to cry, and had to leave work. My boss thought I was coming down with the flu. I would cut myself, would refuse to eat, would cry and cry and cry if I saw an email she had sent him, or thought about the times he had gone to visit her (she lived in another state). I was so weak, I couldn't even stand to work. He even broke up with me a few times because of it.

 

I guess what happened eventually was I began to get my own group of friends, my own interests. His love was no longer my #1 priority, but a nice thing to have in my life. I became tired of getting sick all the time, tired of being bothered by his past, tired of not being normal.

 

Now, I am an independent woman. I have a successful job in business, I go out a lot, I have a large group of friends and aquaintances, I love myself and my body, I don't care about his past. I know I am the best he has ever had. And the most comforting thing to know is, if you fight these thoughts every time you have them, in anyway you can (and I'm talking like you are in a horrible mood and force yourself to go out with friends and have a good time, or watch TV instead of wallow in sadness) eventually when you feel that punch in the gut feeling, it will go down to a small little flutter, and then eventually nothing at all. You learn to push those jealous feelings away.

 

I wish the best in the world to you... I have been there and it is much, much more miserable than anyone could imagine.

[wilson1]

I really wonder the same as you. Has ANYONE been through this and actually got COMPLETELY over it and could live a happy life?

 

Most people in the threads i searched here seem to say they are battling it or "getting better". i just want to know if anyone is really "cured" and fulfilled with their relationship.

 

In my case, i am currently battling it hard. But if i see all the odds are against me, then i must as well end the relationship because i dont want to live the rest of my life feeling that i "settled" for less than complete happyness.

 

Still, right now im putting all my strenghth into making this work. And make the constant anxiousness, insecurity, and the "not feeling special" go away.

 

This is my situation in case anyone wants to check it out.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=263998

[dreamingoftigers]

I joined this forum purely to ask you about EMDR. How has it helped you? I've gotten a similiar treatment Rapid Eye Therapy over a molestation that happened a long time ago, and tried Rapid Eye for my Retroactive-jealousy but it didn't quite do the same thing. So I'm very very very curious about EMDR. What was your experience with it? How has it changed things and affected you?

 

Hi, sorry it took so long to get back to you,

 

My gosh, that is a bad response time and I have just checked through my old threads.

 

I have gone for 9 sessions of EMDR mostly for childhood trauma and dealing with trauma from my husband's sexual addiction/infidelity etc.

 

Very effective for dealing with the initial grief about the infidelity. (brought it down from a 10 to about a 3 or 4).

 

I was able to clear out a lot of the father trauma from my childhood too, I no longer find his presence or actions triggering (really surprising actually since he did try to kill me!).

 

My childhood abandonment issue has lessened but is still open day to day and I know I need to complete more EMDR (quite need to actually).

 

When dealing with the infidelity issue, it seemed to take away a lot of the RJ and I didn't find it triggering anymore. In fact I rarely thought about it until my H's continued infidelity (yay).

 

Perhaps the RJ is attached to something else in the childhood spectrum that isn't resolved yet?

[jane100]

I have sufferred too from Retrospective Jealousy at various points in my life. It is a horrible feeling and sounds crazy to people who have never had it! I mean how can you be jealous of someone who isn't even around anymore?

 

I think deep down its about not "feeling special" or loveable enough, or in fact feeling totally unloveable, but I have no other insight.

 

But it is a subject I would love to understand more.

 

It is particularly interesting to me as I never suffer from current jealousy or possessiveness e.g. if my b/f went to a party by himself or talked to an attractive woman etc. I wouldn't feel jealous.

[loadofhoopla]

I do not get jealous if my boyfriend talks to other women, or looks at other women, or says another woman is hot. I think other men are hot too, it's natural for human beings to be attracted to each other. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that those feelings are just going to go away.

 

I do however have a problem with retroactive jealousy. Bad! I never really used to with other boyfriends. I have been dating my boyfriend now for almost two years. He is really outgoing and has tons of friends. A couple of his ex-girlfriends are still kind of hanging around and they are, of course, beautiful. He's slept with 17 women before; I have slept with 3 men. He's had three threesomes. I have had none. He got his high school girlfriend pregnant (she ended up having a miscarriage very early on). The only times I have ever had a pregnancy scare have been in my committed relationship with my ex-bf, and I have never actually been pregnant. I was really good friends with a girl at my law school and actually met my now bf through her-they had slept together months prior before I even knew either of them. Needless to say the jealousy I think got to both of us and now we are not even friends anymore. It was really hard to see her walking down the hall though, and having the not-needed picture of the two of them running through my mind.

 

I know he loves me, and time definitely helps heal all wounds, whatever they may be. But it is really hard seeing a couple of his ex's in particular who I know still have feelings for him, or at least really did during our first year of dating.

 

I don't really know how to make the feelings go away other than to become more secure with myself. I had a horrible break up with the ex I mentioned above, and it basically shattered my self-esteem. That and the fact that I am away from all my friends at a school were I have very few friends. Oh well, no where to go but up I guess!

[tryingtocurerj]

Hi, sorry it took so long to get back to you,

 

My gosh, that is a bad response time and I have just checked through my old threads.

 

I have gone for 9 sessions of EMDR mostly for childhood trauma and dealing with trauma from my husband's sexual addiction/infidelity etc.

 

Very effective for dealing with the initial grief about the infidelity. (brought it down from a 10 to about a 3 or 4).

 

I was able to clear out a lot of the father trauma from my childhood too, I no longer find his presence or actions triggering (really surprising actually since he did try to kill me!).

 

My childhood abandonment issue has lessened but is still open day to day and I know I need to complete more EMDR (quite need to actually).

 

When dealing with the infidelity issue, it seemed to take away a lot of the RJ and I didn't find it triggering anymore. In fact I rarely thought about it until my H's continued infidelity (yay).

 

Perhaps the RJ is attached to something else in the childhood spectrum that isn't resolved yet?

 

Thankyou so much for the response. I appreciate it so so much. I have no clue what caused it. I'd need professional help if its something from my childhood. It's so so weird. I'm sick of it. I'm willing to try everything to get over it. It's been BAAAAD since I was 15, every girl I'd date I'd find something in her past to dwell about, and it'd stick. No other thoughts, just that. I'm really getting tired of it, I'm really in love with the girl I'm with and would hate to settle for someone who's not as simply amazing just because they don't have a spotless past (if that can be found, but I am Mormon, so I know a few girls that fall under that category, but never really clicked with them). I'm working real hard to get over this, and EMDR sounds amazing

[dreamingoftigers]

Thankyou so much for the response. I appreciate it so so much. I have no clue what caused it. I'd need professional help if its something from my childhood. It's so so weird. I'm sick of it. I'm willing to try everything to get over it. It's been BAAAAD since I was 15, every girl I'd date I'd find something in her past to dwell about, and it'd stick. No other thoughts, just that. I'm really getting tired of it, I'm really in love with the girl I'm with and would hate to settle for someone who's not as simply amazing just because they don't have a spotless past (if that can be found, but I am Mormon, so I know a few girls that fall under that category, but never really clicked with them). I'm working real hard to get over this, and EMDR sounds amazing

 

I am a Mormon too, I converted at 20. Wonder if we are just screwed up then ?!?

[tryingtocurerj]

I am a Mormon too, I converted at 20. Wonder if we are just screwed up then ?!?

 

ah!! haha! That is awesome! I converted at 18. I can't deny the Church has helped me so much in every aspect of my life. But as far as this problem it seems like it's something not easy to overcome. I'm going to do my best to get some EMDR asap, but I'm also thinking maybe I'm like a diabetic without insulin, and medication really can help me. I know I'll overcome it somehow. I'm glad I've narrowed the problem down. I'm so thankful I starting googling the description of my problem and came across this forum =] EMDR could be the answer!

Edited March 22, 2011 by tryingtocurerj
grammar

[oldguy]

I am a Mormon too, I converted at 20. Wonder if we are just screwed up then ?!?

 

EMDR can work wonders for many issues including RJ, and I'm not even Mormon, LOL

[Kelemort]

I'm going to address something here: your jealousy is likely not all of your fault. Jealousy is often pinned solely on the person experiencing it. It's true that some folks are jealous in every relationship they're in for no reason -but often there is a triggering event. If you haven't, read "Romantic Jealousy: Signs, Symptoms, Cures." It will address more of this than I can cover, but usually there are two components to the expression of romantic jealousy:

 

 

1. A triggering event. This can be anything - an affair of your partner's, a partner spending a lot of time/energy on an ex, someone making a pass at your partner and your partner doing little to ward it off. It doesn't have to be physical for you to feel threatened - in this case, you unfortunately learned more details about your girlfriend's sexual past than you probably wanted. Maybe she went into detail about those experiences, and now other things will remind you of it. You may have prompted this (by asking too many questions) or, maybe like me, you also had a partner who was all-too-happy to chirp on and on about an ex.

 

2. Jealous tendencies. Some people are very jealous, some people are abnormally non-jealous, and some people are slap dab in the middle. If it's expressed in your relationship, well, you probably had a predisposition toward it. But people who describe themselves as 'jealous' usually aren't jealous all of the time...until it's triggered.

 

 

There's some advice for this: desensitizing yourself to the issue (thinking about it over and over again; writing about it over and over again; flooding yourself with these thoughts and not judging yourself for it). There's pretending not to be jealous (this one has actually worked wonders for me because it has helped me regain a sense of control).

 

You could get cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to control jealous impulses. But this is something your partner should support you in as well. Jealousy is a COUPLES' problem, not an individual problem - and usually therapy in which only one person is treated compared to both fails. Usually because the non-jealous partner just doesn't understand or continues to blame the jealous person for the whole issue.

 

I wish you luck. I have battled with romantic jealousy for 2 years. It is the worst feeling in the world.

[stook]

Dude my girlfriend has had sexwith 33 different guys, Ive only had sex with 3 different girls. If you love her for her it really shouldn't matter. She told me right off the bat when we first started dating. Yes it was shocking at first. But didn't really matter to me and but it behind me. What only really matters is who they are as a person and their character. This rj is going to get you no where and will slowly destroy your relationship. The past is the past and there is nothing you can do or change it. If you reAlly want to be with this person I suggest you suck it up and put this behind you. Because going to eventually lead to a very unhealthy relationship and possibly cause irreversible damage to it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude my girlfriend has had sexwith 33 different guys, Ive only had sex with 3 different girls. If you love her for her it really shouldn't matter. She told me right off the bat when we first started dating. Yes it was shocking at first. But didn't really matter to me and but it behind me. What only really matters is who they are as a person and their character. This rj is going to get you no where and will slowly destroy your relationship. The past is the past and there is nothing you can do or change it. If you reAlly want to be with this person I suggest you suck it up and put this behind you. Because going to eventually lead to a very unhealthy relationship and possibly cause irreversible damage to it.

 

Yes and if you have schizophrenia, BPD, Bipolar, NPD, depression etc. just suck it up and move on. These disorders can affect your life in a negative way, so just pretend that they aren't a serious problem and get going with life!