Has ANYONE got over jealousy with partners past??!

[stook]

Yes and if you have schizophrenia, BPD, Bipolar, NPD, depression etc. just suck it up and move on. These disorders can affect your life in a negative way, so just pretend that they aren't a serious problem and get going with life!

 

Sorry if missed something I didn't take the time to read through the whole thread fill me in with the cliffs haha

[oldguy]

I'm going to address something here: your jealousy is likely not all of your fault. Jealousy is often pinned solely on the person experiencing it. It's true that some folks are jealous in every relationship they're in for no reason -but often there is a triggering event. If you haven't, read "Romantic Jealousy: Signs, Symptoms, Cures." It will address more of this than I can cover, but usually there are two components to the expression of romantic jealousy:

 

 

1. A triggering event. This can be anything - an affair of your partner's, a partner spending a lot of time/energy on an ex, someone making a pass at your partner and your partner doing little to ward it off. It doesn't have to be physical for you to feel threatened - in this case, you unfortunately learned more details about your girlfriend's sexual past than you probably wanted. Maybe she went into detail about those experiences, and now other things will remind you of it. You may have prompted this (by asking too many questions) or, maybe like me, you also had a partner who was all-too-happy to chirp on and on about an ex.

 

2. Jealous tendencies. Some people are very jealous, some people are abnormally non-jealous, and some people are slap dab in the middle. If it's expressed in your relationship, well, you probably had a predisposition toward it. But people who describe themselves as 'jealous' usually aren't jealous all of the time...until it's triggered.

 

 

There's some advice for this: desensitizing yourself to the issue (thinking about it over and over again; writing about it over and over again; flooding yourself with these thoughts and not judging yourself for it). There's pretending not to be jealous (this one has actually worked wonders for me because it has helped me regain a sense of control).

 

You could get cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to control jealous impulses. But this is something your partner should support you in as well. Jealousy is a COUPLES' problem, not an individual problem - and usually therapy in which only one person is treated compared to both fails. Usually because the non-jealous partner just doesn't understand or continues to blame the jealous person for the whole issue.

 

I wish you luck. I have battled with romantic jealousy for 2 years. It is the worst feeling in the world.

 

I agree but would add that at least initially, rj is best treated as an individual's issue because it is true that there is a trigger but many times that trigger is linked to an event that precedes your current relationship.

So I agree that you should seek help, especially if you've experienced rj in other relationships, but I would seek individual help before involving your partner, for both of your sake.

[spice4life]

I'm going to address something here: your jealousy is likely not all of your fault. Jealousy is often pinned solely on the person experiencing it. It's true that some folks are jealous in every relationship they're in for no reason -but often there is a triggering event. If you haven't, read "Romantic Jealousy: Signs, Symptoms, Cures." It will address more of this than I can cover, but usually there are two components to the expression of romantic jealousy:

 

 

1. A triggering event. This can be anything - an affair of your partner's, a partner spending a lot of time/energy on an ex, someone making a pass at your partner and your partner doing little to ward it off. It doesn't have to be physical for you to feel threatened - in this case, you unfortunately learned more details about your girlfriend's sexual past than you probably wanted. Maybe she went into detail about those experiences, and now other things will remind you of it. You may have prompted this (by asking too many questions) or, maybe like me, you also had a partner who was all-too-happy to chirp on and on about an ex.

 

2. Jealous tendencies. Some people are very jealous, some people are abnormally non-jealous, and some people are slap dab in the middle. If it's expressed in your relationship, well, you probably had a predisposition toward it. But people who describe themselves as 'jealous' usually aren't jealous all of the time...until it's triggered.

 

 

There's some advice for this: desensitizing yourself to the issue (thinking about it over and over again; writing about it over and over again; flooding yourself with these thoughts and not judging yourself for it). There's pretending not to be jealous (this one has actually worked wonders for me because it has helped me regain a sense of control).

 

You could get cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to control jealous impulses. But this is something your partner should support you in as well. Jealousy is a COUPLES' problem, not an individual problem - and usually therapy in which only one person is treated compared to both fails. Usually because the non-jealous partner just doesn't understand or continues to blame the jealous person for the whole issue.

 

I wish you luck. I have battled with romantic jealousy for 2 years. It is the worst feeling in the world.

 

I think that it's great that you are working on this issue, but I have question though. I am picking up some anger and resentment in your post toward your partner. Is that something you will always harbor towards your partner? Even if they are willing to diligently work with you on this? The reason I ask is, if I was with a partner and did something to trigger this issue I would 1. feel horrible for for triggering it and 2. would want to figure out a way to dissipate the resentment and anger my partner harbored toward me. The retroactive jealousy I would be able to understand and would work with that person; it's the harboring of anger and resentment I would have an issue with. It would really be hard for me to be in a relationship with someone who resents me and doesn't acknowledge it and try to work on that issue as well. In other words, if I love my partner and am doing whatever it takes to solve the problem and I hear them say, "I should have left you back then instead of being stuck with someone who l feel cheated." That would be a very hurtful thing to hear. I would always feel like they resented me and would wonder, "is it always going to be like that? Are you always going to feel like that? Or are you willing to work on the resentment issue too?"

 

I cometely agree that it's an issue the couple needs to work on together, but it is also a two way street. Does that make sense?

 

Any insights you provide would be great. This is something I would really like to know.

[Kelemort]

Hoo boy in my own personal experiences the retroactive jealousy has been a nightmare. Initially, he was very resentful that I asked him to help me in this - that frankly, he had no reason to lie to me about being in contact with his ex-girlfriend, and that made me suspicious that something was amiss. We argued and argued about the issue of jealousy - eventually I told him that I would like him to remove all of the pictures he kept of his exes, especially of his last ex, from his computer and back them up onto a disc. This was a HUGE fight that carried on for months and only resolved in January. By then, I think he had shifted from very reluctantly and aggressively trying to help me to being more willing to help out with the issue.

 

I do harbor resentment and anger toward my boyfriend. I suppose it's because on some level I don't believe he's sincerely apologetic about the many things he did to trigger my jealousy in the time we've been together (talking about sending her gifts, showing me pictures of her for hours, telling me I would've liked her, always having to talk about her and stuff they did together, including sexually, etc.). I still recall one time when we had only been dating for a few weeks and he very proudly, with a big smile on his face, told me about the first time she had ever given him oral sex.

 

I suspect now that this was him just trying to play up his sexual history to make himself look more attractive. He was always very socially awkward and very isolated until we started dating (the past two relationships were short-term, about a year, and entirely long-distance). I think that the fact that they were long-distance made it very easy for him to romanticize it. I guess I'm bothered that he refers to his LDR as "serious" when to me they smack of nothing serious at all but some college-aged kid heading out of state to wet his willy, so to speak. I suppose it feels like a slap to the seriousness of our relationship.

 

After several months, I finally started telling him that his behavior was really bothering me. He persisted for a while, but finally I more forcefully told him that it had to stop. And mostly, it has. Except for discovering pictures on his computer, seeing comments from her on Facebook, etc., it withered away. I told him that I would feel comfortable if he finally stopped talking to his ex after everything that happened between us, and he did. He has apologized for his behavior. I guess I just don't know if he's genuinely "sorry" for the harm he's caused (and not being over his ex) or if he's just "sorry" because it got him into trouble. He insists it's the former, but there's always some doubt in me.

 

I know that this stretches back into my own romantic past: I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend. Prior to him, I had a terrible 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy I met in college. He just wanted another mama to take care of him. He once told me that he was glad I was overweight because it meant other guys wouldn't really be interested in me. And I can't disagree with him - I'm only on my second boyfriend and I'm pushing my mid-20s. I know my appearance has played a role.

 

To be honest with you, my current boyfriend is not that attractive. He's had 4 or so girlfriends besides me in the last ten years, although all of those in his adult life since 17 or 18 have been long-distance. He insists he's eager to have me move in, he wants to get engaged to me and married, but I find myself hesitant. You're right - still resentful. Not that he had a life before me, but that for so long it was like he had to just rub my face in it.

 

I don't feel special to him nor important to him. Whenever I start to get lured into feeling secure, I am reminded of those horrible things that happened in this relationship. If it had only happened for a few months, I could've let it go. But the fact that it went on so frequently for so long...I am angry at myself for having such low self-esteem that I tolerated that treatment. And now I just feel like he's blowing smoke at me, trying to keep me pacified because he knows that I could leave. He knows that I think about leaving.

 

I still have recurrent bouts of jealousy. Since last night, I have been having those painful feelings again. For the last week or two, I was mostly able to just think about it once during the course of the day, and then move on. I know it's because right now I'm mostly unemployed, I still live in my mother's house (she has narcissistic personality disorder...ohhh boy), and my circle of friends is relatively limited. If those improved, I know I would be able to think about it less and maybe move on.

 

The s/o has gotten to experience jealousy himself, and while I know it's immature to suggest it - in some ways that helped me. Because after he experienced that, I finally felt like he understood how torturous that can be (I had an old co-worker who was very interested in me) and he was more willing to work with me. He was also the type to go on and on every time he saw a hot girl in person, on T.V., etc. I'm fine with it coming up every now and then, but seriously. If you're in a relationship, you should make more of an effort to compliment your partner's appearance at less half as zealously.

 

For me, pretending not to be jealous has been the most effective. I have, at least part of the time, started to feel more in control and I feel it affecting me less. I know it's insecurity about my own sexual past that has partially played a role in this jealousy. Makes me wish that I had screwed my ex-boyfriend or somebody so I could feel a little more confident in that arena.

 

Other than that, I'm not really bothered about his past relationships. Most of my jealousy is focused on sex. I'm not jealous that he had several other girlfriends as much. Just jealous that apparently now my sex life is going to die out and wither...

 

That's the other issue for us: he played up his past sex life with his other girlfriend but we've barely had sex since we started dating. We've been sleeping together for more than a year now, and the sex is usually less than once or twice a month. I'm on birth control, we're using condoms and spermicide. His reason for the lack of sex has always changed. That has made me insecure - my mind goes to, "Well, they apparently had such a robust sex life - why don't we?" Although knowing that it only lasted a year or so and it was a LDR, I doubt they even had sex 10 times - he's just played it up that way.

[Kelemort]

And yes, it makes sense. It's very difficult to let go of the anger and resentment, to be honest with you. It's not something I have thrown to the backburner, since even if we tackle the jealousy issue, it's not going to help much if I still sit there and simmer with, "I should've left him when he did x. I can't believe I stuck around."

 

I admit that in anger I have used those phrases and I know I have inflicted my share of damage in this relationship. Will I always feel this way about him? I don't know. Sometimes, for the first time in a long while, I am able just to love him and forget our very difficult past together. And then there are those days when I think about those wrongs and I flare with anger and resentment toward him. But I know, as I've pointed out in my last post, that a lot of that goes back to not knowing if he's actually sincere about his apologies, or if like a child, he's just sad that he got caught and got into trouble for it. For a long time, he was very angry at me whenever I'd point out the things he did to stir my jealousy, and he blamed me for all of it.

 

Only in the last 6 months or year has he taken a different approach, accepted more responsibility for his behavior and tried to help me with it. The fact that it's a relatively recent change, I think, is the reason that I still doubt his sincerity and don't know if he's genuinely sorry for what he did.

 

I read "Romantic Jealousy" and passed it onto him to read. I'm surprised he so quickly started reading it. Thank you for asking - now that I'm forced to really recognize some of the things he HAS done to resolve the issue, I feel a little less resentment toward him. Although initially he didn't want to accept his role in it, he is doing that now and he is trying to hear me out and help with the issue. We both did something wrong regarding the problem, and now we are both trying to fix it.

 

Thank you for forcing me to recognize this. If you're ever in Michigan, I am buying you lunch

[Kelemort]

I agree but would add that at least initially, rj is best treated as an individual's issue because it is true that there is a trigger but many times that trigger is linked to an event that precedes your current relationship.

So I agree that you should seek help, especially if you've experienced rj in other relationships, but I would seek individual help before involving your partner, for both of your sake.

 

 

I partially agree with you - even if it has happened in other relationships, it may not mean that it's solely an individual problem - maybe the person in question just continually seeks out relationships with people who cause jealousy triggers (like going from one cheater to the next). That's a bit of an extreme example, but nonetheless it's true.

 

Addressing possible triggers is important first. Is there a trigger - is your boyfriend very flirtatious, has your girlfriend had an affair? if so, it's definitely a couples' issue. If you have RJ because you know she's had sex before, or you know she's had prior boyfriends and that bothers you, or anything else like that, it's important to get into therapy for that. I still think that a partner should try and be helpful in those circumstances and try to avoid subjects which can cause jealousy flare-ups, if possible.

 

Obviously, the length a couple has been together plays a role here too. I'd imagine getting a partner's support and treating it as a couples' problem is highly unlikely if you've only been dating for a few months as opposed to years.

[spice4life]

I hear everything your saying and thank you too for elightening me. I found out that I did something similar to someone and have felt horrible about it ever since. In the beginning I had no idea that I did this to him and when I found out that I did, I didnt understand it. My initial reaction was one of anger and resentment because I had no idea he had the feelings he did for me. He always told me that he didnt want any commitments, with me in-particular. I now know why. I know that I created the issue long before I even became aware of it and that is the reason he treated me the way he did. I understand that completely now. Back then, I had no idea what to do and tried everything, or so I thought, to rectify the problem. I recently had an a-ha moment, all on my own, about why I was wrong and what I had to do to fix the problem. I was very eager to do what I needed to do, to at least, begin the healing process. I admit though, that I did harbor a lot of anger myself about how it all played out and felt the need to express that as well. One, in the traditional sense of this type of situation, might want to call it blame shifting, but I wasn't...not at all. It was something I needed to get out of my system so I could continue down the healing path myself. I'm not really sure if he understands that though. I vented much of it out in private because 1. I needed to get it out of my system and 2. therapy has taught me that it is not good to hold onto that old stuff...it becomes toxic and would get in the way of trying to truly repair the damage that *I* mostly created.

 

I've done A LOT of work on myself in therapy over the past two years. Looking back, I probably wouldn't be able to see what I did wrong without it. But again, I'm not 100% certain he realizes that. Just like you are not really certain if his apologies are sincere or not. So there you have it...two people attacking the same issue, but from opposite sides. It's ironic that we both have the same uncertainty about it isn't it?

 

All I know is that I've come to realize all of this on my own without the help of books. It was all me figuring it out and then seeking the answers on what I could do to help heal the damage I caused. That is why your post stood out to me. Thank you for helping me to understand. It looks like I owe you a lunch too!

 

Thanks again.

Edited March 29, 2011 by spice4life

[Kelemort]

Hahaha, it's so weird. I mean, I get his upset - when he made all of the comments that he did about his ex, he probably just meant them in passing. Maybe he never realized how often he talked about her. In the meantime, I was taking stock and inventory of every comment that passed from his lips about her. After a while, I noticed a pattern and the hurts just kept digging into me. So I get that he was angry when the jealousy just kept, kept, kept flaring up and I kept getting angry when any reminder of her popped up, even if he didn't do anything. I get that he probably harbored resentment toward me because he knew how he felt about his ex, and my feelings seem overblown.

 

I don't know if I will ever be confident that he's over his ex now or that he was in the first year that we were dating. He lost his virginity to her, she was his first love, all of that sappy crap. He has really injected some poison into this relationship. For anyone else who reads this thread - your current beau doesn't need to know anything about your past sex life other than that you're clean now. They don't need to know that your ex-girlfriend went down on you when you first met at a party, or that you screwed in your friend's apartment while he was gone. Those are just details that a person never needs to know because they can contribute to feelings like I have now: absolutely cringing whenever certain cities or names pop up. I hate having reminders of his past with her. Unfortunately, I torture myself with it every day.

 

I'm thinking about getting into therapy but I have to tell you, getting over this and letting go of the resentment I have for him is the hardest thing I have ever done. I guess because it involves TRUSTING that what happened in the past is really done for and that he has really, sincerely moved on from this girl. I am able to calm some of the fears and anxiety when I focus on what he has done in the last 6 months to help, but before that I suffered daily for more than a year while he more or less blamed the whole situation on me.

 

I was glad when he defriended her on Facebook and broke all contact with her. When he deleted her phone number from his phone. When he backed-up photos he had of her onto a disc and buried it in his desk. It's unfortunate that some of these things only happened 2 years into our relationship, nearly 4 years after she dumped him. It would have been great to have this suffering relieved in the first 6 months we were together, but...here we are I guess...

 

I am learning to have more of my own life apart from him. My own friends, working, hobbies, etc., and I think that's important. Giving yourself something else to focus on. When I start to feel jealous, I remind myself: "I don't need him. I CHOOSE to be with him and he is LUCKY to have that. I can walk away at any time, but I choose not to." Worshiping him less and treating him as more expendable - although I'm sure it sounds cold, but I'm probably not conveying it as I mean it - has helped me to regain some of my own self worth after the cruel things that he did to me.

 

Although our issues have always been compounded by our lackluster sex life. From the first time we started having sex, we'd have it maybe once or twice a month, sometimes with 1 or 2 month gaps. There were always excuses he had and more recently I'm just tired of bothering with it anymore. After hearing about his great sex life with his ex (and to be quite honest with you, she is far less attractive than I am. Lucky girl), it naturally digs into you a bit when every time you try to initiate, you are either rejected or met with hesitance and irritation.

 

So I have consciously chosen not to approach him sexually anymore. What's the sense in getting rejected and being made to feel jealous over this 'great thing' he had in the past? He's getting a taste of his own medicine. Like I said earlier about him feeling jealous, honestly it helped.

 

I had a former co-worker I always talked about because he was crazy at work (just did all sorts of goofy stuff). When my s/o met this co-worker, he clammed up. Afterward, he told me, "He's a good-looking guy! You told me he was ugly!" The co-worker kept talking to me all night and it made the s/o jealous.

 

 

When he had to experience it, suddenly he wanted to help me out more to understand jealousy. It was important for him to experience that and I'm glad that it happened. Haha, I didn't realize it - but him wanting to understand and help with the jealousy started happening right around the time he felt jealous!

 

I hope the same is true for sex. When he isn't approached or wanted in that way, maybe it will open his eyes and he will try harder to make it happen. And if not...after a reasonable amount of time, I am gone.

[spice4life]

Thank you. Your response was quite enlightening. My only saving grace in my ordeal is that went to him directly with issues that bothered me. He never did with me and I'm sure he had his reasons for doing so. I hope you find some peace with this.

 

In the end, you DO have choices and it looks like you have already made some for yourself. However your relationship plays out, you can rest peacefully knowing you handled things in a way that were true to you. That's all you can do right?

 

Thanks again and best wishes to you. As for me, I'm going to continue with therapy and growing. The changes I have experienced over the last six months were due to my own growth and that is another saving grace for me. Actions of others really had nothing to do with it at all. I was making the choices I wanted to make and they were solely based on my heart and how felt about someone. Not sure he sees or even understands it to be honest. There were some hurtful moments the last three months of last year that actually made me reaccess things and almost made me leave. I chose to stay and started to really enjoy his company and things got messed up again. I don't know if it was me or him that pushed the other away.

 

Good luck with your story...hope it works out. I'm going to leave the boards for a while to think.

[spice4life]

I realize this a total threadjack, but I have one last question. Kelmort, are you going to continue treating this guy this way? Meaning are you going to continue to view him as expendable, continually try to inflict pain and make him jealous? Just curious.

 

Okay, more questions. What is it about him that made you even stay in this relationship? If he made you feel so horrible and you just made notes without telling him, why even stay? I watched a movie last night and someone mentioned seeking revenge on a person for what they preceived as a betrayal...is this the case with you? They worked to get person hooked on them so they could treat them badly just to get back at them. Is this what you were trying to do to this guy? Please don't take offense...just curious about what your real motivations are.

[Chi townD]

The only time I felt jealous of and Ex's past is when I was with her and when you're in a relationship, you discover the past sexual experiences. She was with a guy prior to me that treated her very poorly, called her names, neglectful.....just treated her badly. However, there was a lot of "experimenting" in the bedroom apparently.

Well, when I wanted to experiment on those same things, she said no. She felt uncomfortable. Now, of course, I respected her wishes but it did hurt to think that. Here's a guy that treated you like dirt and you were open to doing all these things with someone that didn't give a damn about you. But we're in a loving, compassionate relationship and I get shot down. WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

Then the jealousy started to roll in. What did he do that I'm not doing? Do I need to start treating her like crap in order to spice things up? Till this day, never understood that.

[Kelemort]

I realize this a total threadjack, but I have one last question. Kelmort, are you going to continue treating this guy this way? Meaning are you going to continue to view him as expendable, continually try to inflict pain and make him jealous? Just curious.

 

Okay, more questions. What is it about him that made you even stay in this relationship? If he made you feel so horrible and you just made notes without telling him, why even stay? I watched a movie last night and someone mentioned seeking revenge on a person for what they preceived as a betrayal...is this the case with you? They worked to get person hooked on them so they could treat them badly just to get back at them. Is this what you were trying to do to this guy? Please don't take offense...just curious about what your real motivations are.

 

 

It's not that I view him as expendable - I care about him a great deal. What I meant to say is that 'pretending' (of sorts) to view him that way makes it a little easier to control some of the feelings. I guess it's more akin to, at the end of the day, saying to myself, "If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out and I will be ok." I guess it's just pep-talk. If somehow he WERE still in love with his ex, I'm not going to die. I will get back up and I will be fine. And thinking along those lines has made it easier for me.

 

I've never purposely made him jealous. I don't try to inflict pain in our relationship. It wasn't until later on that I realized that he was jealous of my old co-worker, as I'd never thought the co-worker to be attractive in the least. The co-worker's flirtations escalated to the point that it was obvious to me (from merely wanting to see me to asking if I was single yet), and that was when I broke contact with him. I am happy that something -good- came out of his jealous feelings - namely, that he started to understand my feelings when he had to face it himself, and that made it possible for him to stop treating this as just my problem, but a problem between the both of us.

 

I do care about my boyfriend. I do harbor some resentment and upset over the things that transpired between us, but I am worlds better now than I used to be. I'm not interested in simply "drawing him in" just so I can hurt him later on. I look forward to having a future with him. If I've given the impression that I've purposely brought him harm, that's not what I've intended to convey. I'm simply conveying that out of the darker things that have happened between us - like the jealousy - something good has come of it.

 

I am trying to control my resentment and my anger towards him. When I feel jealousy surfacing and I begin to flood myself with inevitable questions of, "Why did he ever say that to me? Why would he ever do that to me?" I just avoid him to avoid rehashing something that's painful and useless over and over again. I'm not always successful. But our relationship is markedly different now than it was 3 months ago or even 6 months ago.

 

I have good days and bad days. There are days when I detest him for what happened. But more and more lately, I am able to get through my days and not let it affect me. It used to be that I couldn't get through a single day without crying over what happened. Ultimately, I've stayed because I love and care about him. I don't want to hurt him.

 

Generally, I treat him very well - I am able to split up the anger I have with him about this issue and deal with it separately than the rest of my dealings with him. I am very angry at him over it sometimes. But, like I said, I'm much better now that I have a handle on it - and I feel like he's put more effort into trying to understand and solve it.

 

Of course, our issue was compounded by the sex as well - so for me, it was an issue of "He blabs about his ex all of the time and likes to tell me about the sex they used to have, and he rejects me every time it comes to bedroom stuff. Wth?" There's a lot of hurt and upset there.

 

I'm not saying that I'm blameless in this, but I'm not a monster who has ruined his life. I know that in anger I have said things I shouldn't have - that's also improved and I've better learned how to contain those thoughts.

[spice4life]

Arrrgh...I just posted a long response and lost it all! Darn it!!!

 

Sheet! I'm going to have to give you the short version I guess.

 

First, I apologize if my questions came off kind of monsterish (is that a word?) Hehe. It was probably a projection of my own fears on how some things played out in my situation. Once again it was very enlightening. So thank you.

 

Is it possible that the improvement you are witnessing within the relationship is that he has finally closed the door on his past once and for all? Again, probably my own projection, but that was the case for me. I shut the door and locked it tight, never to open it up again. Without going into detail, all I can say is that the sense of relief I felt was astounding. I was able to begin to focus on building the life that I wanted without any residual stuff hanging around.

 

Regarding what you mentioned about the sexual part of your relationship, well, that was enlightening too! It probably wasn't what you were thinking...probably quite the opposite I imagine. Was there anything going on in your relationship at the time that made him push back a bit? Maybe there was something he preceived as being in the way, either in the relationship or within him, that prevented him from fully opening up and trusting you? I know I know, ironic question given the circumstances. I know it is probably hard for guys to think this way, but maybe he wanted it to unfold naturally because the attraction was so natural with you and it was special to him. He probably wanted to do it right with you and was afraid of screwing it up! That's my thought anyway.

 

There were a few times I felt rejected in my situation and said some things I didn't mean too. It created a HUGE fear of rejection in me and I would clam up...totally. I fell "in love" and it scared me out of my wits. So, I said some stupid things purely out of self preservation..I admit. Oy vey...looking back, my form of communication was totally ridiculous. Whew, wow...it's making me feel nauscious just thinking about it.

 

Thanks again for the enlightenment. Your posts have really helped me put A LOT of things in their proper perspective. I have to go and do some growing up now.

Edited April 1, 2011 by spice4life

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... retrospective jealousy... being jealous of a partner's past.

 

I get the feeling I will have to deal with this in the future, so I've already thought about it, but I didn't know a term already came with it.

 

Since I am divorced and have been with several guys before I was married, a potential partner would likely feel intimidated by that.

 

That's fine. That is my past. I have learned from my past, which so many people can not say. I have learned from failed relationships and I have learned from divorce.

 

Someone I would consider dating/marrying in the future is free to ask me as many questions as he would like. I will answer them all truthfully.

 

As far as my past relationships and my marriage went, if a future partner gets jealous of my past... for whatever reason... I will tell him that it was a past he wasn't a part of, a past that is dead and gone. That is that. I am not much of a jealous person, unless the partner I am with is still contacting their exes in which case I have reason for suspicion not jealousy.

 

TLDR: Don't be intimidated by my past that you were not a part of. I will answer any questions you have truthfully but leave it at that. End of story.

[spice4life]

The only time I felt jealous of and Ex's past is when I was with her and when you're in a relationship, you discover the past sexual experiences. She was with a guy prior to me that treated her very poorly, called her names, neglectful.....just treated her badly. However, there was a lot of "experimenting" in the bedroom apparently.

Well, when I wanted to experiment on those same things, she said no. She felt uncomfortable. Now, of course, I respected her wishes but it did hurt to think that. Here's a guy that treated you like dirt and you were open to doing all these things with someone that didn't give a damn about you. But we're in a loving, compassionate relationship and I get shot down. WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

Then the jealousy started to roll in. What did he do that I'm not doing? Do I need to start treating her like crap in order to spice things up? Till this day, never understood that.

 

Sorry that happened to you. I can completely understand why you would end up feeling that way after reading through this thread. Did you ever tell her?

[dreamingoftigers]

The only time I felt jealous of and Ex's past is when I was with her and when you're in a relationship, you discover the past sexual experiences. She was with a guy prior to me that treated her very poorly, called her names, neglectful.....just treated her badly. However, there was a lot of "experimenting" in the bedroom apparently.

Well, when I wanted to experiment on those same things, she said no. She felt uncomfortable. Now, of course, I respected her wishes but it did hurt to think that. Here's a guy that treated you like dirt and you were open to doing all these things with someone that didn't give a damn about you. But we're in a loving, compassionate relationship and I get shot down. WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

Then the jealousy started to roll in. What did he do that I'm not doing? Do I need to start treating her like crap in order to spice things up? Till this day, never understood that.

 

She didn't want to be reminded of the other guy in bed, she hated the memory of him and how he made her feel.

 

You didn't make her feel that way so she wanted to keep things feeling good with you.

 

You got the wrong message

[Kelemort]

Chi, I think sometimes people close down sexually after experiencing things with another partner because it's a reminder later on down the road. Admittedly, there were things I would not do sexually with my partner at first since he had told me stories about doing them with his ex in the past - part of me didn't want to remind him of that, and I didn't want to be reminded of it by partaking. But when I finally pushed myself to do it, we built new associations. It was no longer associated with her, but with us. I'm sorry if your girlfriend was never able to push herself to do that, but that had nothing to do with you - those were her own fears and her inability to let go.

 

Nah, I wasn't offended by your line of questioning - this is a difficult task to undertake from both sides. It's an unfortunate problem because once it's done, it's very difficult to go back and remove some of those blights. And of course, if you knew what was coming, you'd have avoided all of those behaviors in the first place!

 

I think that our relationship definitely began to improve when he finally started to close the doors on his past. For the first two years or so that we were together (until around September/October), he fought me every inch of the way when it came to putting his ex in the past. It was only after a year of dating that I learned he was still in contact with his ex on Facebook - he lied to me and claimed she was out of his life. Seeing her comments to him on there - and posts he made related to our relationship where she responded - made me sick. He just gabbed about her so much that I felt like there were 3 people in the relationship even though I'd never even met her!

 

We fought so much about the pictures he had of her scattered everywhere (on his hard drive, on sites like flickr, etc. - things he knew I accessed. He tried to justify this with, "I saw pictures of your ex on your computer." He saw them under the pictures on my Mom's account, not mine. And there were a few snapshots - not dozens or hundreds!). We argued so much about him having her phone number in his cell phone still. We argued endlessly about all of the times he brought her up, said he was going to send her a gift, etc. I broke up with him at points throughout this problem. There were weeks when I didn't talk to him. I persisted through months of absolute misery in this relationship.

 

And to be honest with you I can't always say why. Is it because I knew inevitably it would blow over and I would be able to see the man I fell in love with again? Maybe. Low self-esteem, fear of being alone, fear of getting back into the dating world? Maybe.

 

It was around September that when these discussions started coming up, he stopped being defensive and became apologetic. He finally broke all contact with her (he had stopped gabbing about her so much a year or so prior). He said that what he did was wrong and stopped calling me insecure - although I suspect this is partly because I went to many other people for advice, and basically all of them agreed that it sounded like he wasn't over his ex when we started dating and that what he did was absolutely terrible. When he no longer had a path of recourse, he had to face his actions and take accountability for them.

 

So yes, I'd say his change of focus had something to do with it. He is VERY stubborn. If our relationship had persisted as it was going, he was going to lose me. It was in December or so that I discovered he still had pictures of his ex on his computer after we both agreed it was time for them to get backed up and put away (I was saving pictures and up popped folders with all of his girlfriends' names).

 

I decided that was the last straw and I dumped him - I was just filled with anger. "It's more than 2 years in, and he is STILL holding onto this garbage after we made an agreement?" After a few days, he called and left a Voicemail asking to meet for lunch and discuss the issue. This eventually culminated in him having a breakdown at his apartment. My boyfriend can be very emotionally closed off - to see him fold into a heap like that struck me.

 

He laid out an action plan of what he was going to do to relieve my jealousy. And I'm glad to say that he took it seriously enough to follow through. I was done being the girl on the side while he indulged in memories about long-ago.

 

I don't think he did this to be malicious. I do think it was an ignorant and immature move on his part (the whole thing). He explained that he talked so much about his ex because he felt that his life was boring, and he didn't want to lie by omission and not talk about her at all when she was involved in his stories. This is partly believable to me and partly not. I still believe he was in love with her, or at the very least he deeply missed her, when we began dating. He claimed that he missed her friendship (from my understanding they had been friends for a little while when they started dating). The relationship was entirely long-distance and they met online. I am willing to let that go.

 

It hurts me that he got into a relationship before he was ready. I think I may always hurt a little over that - that even after being with me for a year, she still cast such a shadow over our lives.

 

I now feel like he's serious about letting her go. As for the sexual issue, I'm not sure what's behind that. The fact that his relationship was long-distance probably meant that they had more sex when they saw each other if only because it would be months at a time before they would run into each other again. He's always had a fear of pregnancy. He's told me that he was "less afraid" back then and "less worried" about it even though she had a pregnancy scare. We probably have as much sex as they did - talk about feeling cheated!

 

As it is it has been a week since we've had sex. I guess that's how it's going to be from now on - him just approaching me on the weekends. I told him that I wouldn't be approaching him anymore and I haven't. I act completely disinterested in him sexually until he makes advances. I told him that it had to improve, as I have a deadline and I'm going to move on and find someone who shows some sexual interest in me.

 

We use three birth control methods - I'm on the pill and we use condoms and spermicide every time. Sometimes we use the family awareness method too (basically just avoiding sex until the least fertile times of the cycle). He claims he's still paranoid about me getting pregnant and claims it'll improve when we get married. I told him I'm not marrying him only to find that nothing changes.

 

To be honest with you it really hurts me that he apparently had such a happy, worry-free and robust sex life with his ex-girlfriend but when I try to get it going, I am just shot down. So that has bred some jealousy as well. I suspect that if he showed more interest in me, I wouldn't be anywhere near as jealous as I am.

 

He's banned from oral sex, though, so hopefully that will start giving him an incentive to actually bother with me.

 

Men. Tsch.

[spice4life]

Kelemort, you have no idea how much your story is helping me to understand my own situation. Sorry it took me a while to respond...I was busy putting out YET another fire I created and then went straight to bed. I was pretty sad today thinking about all the pain I caused and just wish I could take it all back. Sure, it's easy to say if I had known what was coming, I would have adjusted my behaviors, but regardless, I handled everything very very badly.

 

I haven't contacted him in a while and fear I let too much time lapse while I'm trying to sort through all of this. I don't even know if he has tried contacting me because I've been having phone issues for a few weeks and ended up having to buy a new one a week ago. My fear of rejection popping up again I guess. I just want to sit own with him and throw it all out on the table and tell him how sorry I am. But I don't even know where to start. I miss him terribly darn it! I know that things cannot go back to the way they were though...some changes definitely need to be made. Where do I start?

 

You made me laugh when you said he is very stubborn because I guess I am too...lol. we both are for that matter. It was one of the things that attracted me to him...haha...among many MANY other things. He totally took me by surprise and when I started to realize that, I looked around at my life and was like, "geez, it's such a mess...why would he even like me?"

 

So your banning the poor guy from oral sex? Lol. That's quite a punishment. So what are you going to do if he contacts you? Will things continue "status quo" or will real changes be made on both your parts? I have a fear that he thinks I'm just trying to work through this and will use what I learn to start fresh with someone new. Not true...not the case at all. I have the same fear about him too. I started to think about that today and said to myself, "we need to quite having these fears about one another...it's just not healthy da*n it!"

 

I'm kind of rambling and feeling a little foggy at the moment so I will stop here. I have more to say and will post my thoughts sometime today when my thoughts are more clear. Thanks again for taking the time to respond...I really appreciate it.

[spice4life]

 

 

As it is it has been a week since we've had sex. I guess that's how it's going to be from now on - him just approaching me on the weekends. I told him that I wouldn't be approaching him anymore and I haven't. I act completely disinterested in him sexually until he makes advances. I told him that it had to improve, as I have a deadline and I'm going to move on and find someone who shows some sexual interest in me.

 

To be honest with you it really hurts me that he apparently had such a happy, worry-free and robust sex life with his ex-girlfriend but when I try to get it going, I am just shot down. So that has bred some jealousy as well. I suspect that if he showed more interest in me, I wouldn't be anywhere near as jealous as I am.

 

He's banned from oral sex, though, so hopefully that will start giving him an incentive to actually bother with me.

 

Men. Tsch.

 

I'm back and have been thinking about a lot things. My question to you is, how did he take your ultimatum? He's a man, so I'm assuming an ultimatum like that wouldn't be a problem...he shouldn't have any problems initiating..right? How about if it were reversed and he gave you that ultimatum? Would you feel comfortable enough to comply? Is reason you want him to initiate is so he feels more comfortable with you, thus creating a two way street for better communication? Honestly, I'm struggling with that a bit. An ultimatum like that would scare me at this juncture and would create more anxiety because I would be afraid he already had one foot out the

door. I would feel threatened and hurt to be honest. So is it really a good idea to give an ultimatum when the relationship is at such a delicate crossroads? Isn'there another way to handle this so he does feel comfortable approaching you and initiating things?

 

In my case I wouldn't have a problem initiating as long as I knew he was on the same page as me. I would need a definite sign from him, something only he and I know about, for me to take that step. I WANT to get past this fear and communicate comfortably with him. Especially now that I know where he is coming from. I feel horrible about how I handled things and don't blame him at all for how we arrived at this state in the relationship. I didn't understand it before and now I do. Before, I always held back because I wasn't sure if he was with me to hurt me or if he really did care about me. For instance, he would do things like wave rings in my face and tell me about trips he was taking with someone else and it hurt...it hurt me really bad. I wasn't sure what his motives were for doing that based on the choices he told me that he made. After he did something like wave rings in my face and then leave, I would sit there hurt and wondering why he did that. It honestly felt like he was out to purposely hurt me because I hurt him. After reading your story, I see now where he was coming from. I never realized the magnitude of pain he felt regarding the stupid things I did to him. All I can say is that he did misread me just as bad as I misread him. BUT, I see now that we were only responding to the information we were given and had no other choice except to take it at face value. The reality is, we were sending the wrong signals and not being honest with each other about how we felt.

 

Man oh man...if I could only go back with the knowledge I have now, I would handle things soooo differently. Kelemort, how do feel about your chances now for this relationship surviving? After everything you've gone through, do you feel there is a chance to work it all out? The only thing that is holding me back is that I don't want to go back to status quo. I don't want to be or feel like I'm nothing more than a FWB or a woman on the side. I've too far in my own self discovery to settle for nothing more than that. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things right, but I have to know that it won't be the same old same old. I will straighten out my the thi.gs that are still a bit messed up in my life so I can FEEL like a formidable partner...things I know bother him to the umteenth degree. (haha) I don't blame him for having doubts about me because of those things. Heck, it would make doubtful about someone too. I plan on doing these things for myself and not just him. I have to do them in order to feel better about myself and to be the fun loving person that I know I am. That person is there, always has been. It just that I do stupid things sometimes to prevent myself from truly being me. Old habits are soooo freakin hard to break, but that is no excuse. I made the mess and I am certainly in a position now to clean it all up. I don't expect him to help me with that. All I really want from him is aittle faith and understanding, without criticism. That's all I need. And he can rest comfortably knowing that I planned on really spicing things up. I was already headed in that direction when things got messed up again. I was starting to really have fun with it and I felt that made him push me away again. Or, maybe he didn't and I was so used to that happening that I misread him once again.

 

Thanks again for the insights and listening. This has helped more than you will ever know. Hope you are having a nice weekend.

[nordic]

She didn't want to be reminded of the other guy in bed, she hated the memory of him and how he made her feel.

 

You didn't make her feel that way so she wanted to keep things feeling good with you.

 

You got the wrong message

 

no he understood just fine i think.

 

men just dont work like that. a woman says to her man that she had all this advanced sex with her ex boyfriends and threesomes with ons and so on. but now when she is with him she mostly wants to hold hands and be really good friends.

 

no man is gonna like that, its going to frustrate the hell out of him. so, the natural decision is too leave to get rid of those emotions.

 

nothing for him to understand really. he didnt want platonic love from a reformed slut, nobody likes that. :-)

[John Michael Kane]

no he understood just fine i think.

 

men just dont work like that. a woman says to her man that she had all this advanced sex with her ex boyfriends and threesomes with ons and so on. but now when she is with him she mostly wants to hold hands and be really good friends.

 

no man is gonna like that, its going to frustrate the hell out of him. so, the natural decision is too leave to get rid of those emotions.

 

nothing for him to understand really. he didnt want platonic love from a reformed slut, nobody likes that. :-)

 

I so agree with you. That's so disgusting.

[chelsea2011]

Some of stuff in this thread seems like a bunch of hogwash. Holding people responsible for things they weren't aware of? Silly, pure silliness.

[allsexprofile]

it is very much a problem for people who have /have had limited partners.

 

ill give you an example. i had an FWB with a female friend of mine. being a woman it was very easy for her to have multiple FWB's at the same time (all women have to do is call an old friend that she is lonely) but you know how hard it is for men to have such relationships. at no point i had any feelings for her, yet i was extremely jealous of the fact that she was ****ing other men while for me..she was my only outlet. just imagine the insecurity and the feeling of inadequacy. the thought that she can 'proiritize' every FWB, set different limits with each of them and COMPARE them...their performance, their attractiveness, their endowments just got to me.

 

its a similar feeling for you.

i doubt it will go away easily.

[allsexprofile]

The only time I felt jealous of and Ex's past is when I was with her and when you're in a relationship, you discover the past sexual experiences. She was with a guy prior to me that treated her very poorly, called her names, neglectful.....just treated her badly. However, there was a lot of "experimenting" in the bedroom apparently.

Well, when I wanted to experiment on those same things, she said no. She felt uncomfortable. Now, of course, I respected her wishes but it did hurt to think that. Here's a guy that treated you like dirt and you were open to doing all these things with someone that didn't give a damn about you. But we're in a loving, compassionate relationship and I get shot down. WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

Then the jealousy started to roll in. What did he do that I'm not doing? Do I need to start treating her like crap in order to spice things up? Till this day, never understood that.

 

 

 

it probably has a lot to do with attractiveness. she felt a raw physical/sexual attraction with that guy, but since she got hurt, she compromised on her prefererences and chose someone who would treat her nicely (that became her priority) but she doesnt feel the same attraction to him to enjoy the rough, dirty, experimental sex. that is the bitter truth about women in these situations

[oldguy]

The only time I felt jealous of and Ex's past is when I was with her and when you're in a relationship, you discover the past sexual experiences. She was with a guy prior to me that treated her very poorly, called her names, neglectful.....just treated her badly. However, there was a lot of "experimenting" in the bedroom apparently.

Well, when I wanted to experiment on those same things, she said no. She felt uncomfortable. Now, of course, I respected her wishes but it did hurt to think that. Here's a guy that treated you like dirt and you were open to doing all these things with someone that didn't give a damn about you. But we're in a loving, compassionate relationship and I get shot down. WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

Then the jealousy started to roll in. What did he do that I'm not doing? Do I need to start treating her like crap in order to spice things up? Till this day, never understood that.

 

You say there was experimenting in the bedroom & he treated her badly so why don't you understand why she doesn't want to do those things with you?

First bad experience; being with someone who treated her poorly.

Second bad experience; probably unpleasant sexual experimenting, with a jerk.

Again; is it really a mystery why she doesn't wan't to repeat an unpleasant experience that she had with a jerk now that she is in a good relationship?