Separation - What a nightmare

[fltc]

"but always find she talks in riddles and is never definate about her responses. She says I should just know what she is thinking."

 

Old joke:

He: What's wrong?

She: "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"

 

It's NOT a joke, it's so damn common and it's tragic because w/o communication it's impossible to fix a problem.

 

Ask your wife to write you a letter with all her problems, that might help her organize her thoughts so you can understand them better.

 

Good luck!

[Jimmy64]

Thanks for the advice fltc. It is diifcult when the communication is not clear.

 

She is also not an avid reader or writer either, but it's got to be worth a go.

[Gunny376]

I think you are right to a certain extent Woggle. Men today really don't know where to turn.

 

I must admit I find it really difficult to understand exactly how a man should be in today's society.

 

I try to balance my masculine/feminine side, but seem to screw it up all the time.

 

There are those that we'll tell you to be masculine ~ and then are those that will tell you to get in touch with your so-called "femmine side"

 

Total BS!

 

Just be yourself! But before you can do so you've got to discover who and what your all about?

 

Some women are more masculine than your atypical male ~ and some men are more feminine than your atypical female ~ sexual orientation aside.

 

The fact of the matter is? All that your ever going to be is all that you are right here and right now?

 

Oh! Sure you can make small and subtle adjustements ~ but pretty much the person that you are is the person that you were when you achieved full brain development at age 6 or 7!

 

Understand that men's and women's brains are literally hard wired differently.

[Jimmy64]

You're right Gunny.

 

Men and women are completely different.

 

I admit I have my issues, but why do a lot of women not sit down and rationally talk about issues? Why does it have to get to explode stage?

 

I really feel like **** at the moment - wish I could turn back the clock.

 

Life should be a whole lot easier than this.

[Jimmy64]

Going to try the 180 technique. See if it helps.

[Tiberius]

Well you give little detail. By the sounds of it, your wife gets angry for no reason. Is that true, or did you 2 never adress any of the problems in your marriage? If she gets angry for no reason it might be a medical issue, otherwise you need to identify the problem(s).

[Jimmy64]

I think she does have some deep psycological issues, but the main reason we argue is there is a lack of communication and understanding of the other persons point of view.

 

For instance, she said I was spending too much, so I did a budgte and sge wouldnt even look at it, just kept arguing her point.

 

I am fairly dominating, but really do try to talk and compromise, but I just feel I get absolutley nowhere when she has a opinion on something.

 

I could just never find a way for her to review her opinion and consider there may be options.

 

Probably why I am here alone rather than with her.

[Jimmy64]

I am working on the 180 and I feel better for it anyway. I think there is a slight shift in my wife's attitude. Understand I need to give her a lot of time to calm down and reflect. In hindsight, I should have stayed in the house and tried to work it through from there, just couldn't see that at the time.

 

She is a bit more civil and I am a lot calmer. I think the 180 is a good idea.

 

Never know where this will end, but I am more confident in myself.

 

Really appreciate the advice from you guys here.

[fltc]

I don't know anybody here personally but do some women ever stop to think that whatever angst they are feeling is not the man's fault?

 

It's ALWAYS the man's fault, Woggle, ALWAYS! No matter if she lies, cheats, steals, beats her children, snorts crack, whatever, it's entirely the man's fault, even if it's not!

[Jimmy64]

Spoke to my wife for a while last night. We resolved some issues, but still have a long way to go.

 

I am off to counselling tonight and feel good about myself. I have been reading a lot of the threads on the site and it is strange that so many of us end up with sorrow in our lives.

 

I am hoping for good results down the track, but wonder how I let my life end up here.

 

We probably all need to think about our feelings and our partners and families feelings a lot more than any of actually do.

 

Tough lessons and lots more to learn.

[USCGAviator]

What exactly does emotional connection mean? I see men bending over backwards to please their wives when she says she is unhappy yet it is never enough. Many times the women are just closed up no matter what the man does. I am not trying to flame you but just trying to give you the man's perspective on this. Sometimes it feels that no matter what we do it is never good enough.

 

 

So True. I rubbed her feet most nights while we watched her shows. I was sole provider while she was happy to be a stay at home mom. I worked close to home and brought her coffee every morning. And she still decided after 9 yrs to have an affair and leave the marriage. Makes no sense to me.

[HopelessinDTW]

So True. I rubbed her feet most nights while we watched her shows. I was sole provider while she was happy to be a stay at home mom. I worked close to home and brought her coffee every morning. And she still decided after 9 yrs to have an affair and leave the marriage. Makes no sense to me.

I spoke to my therapist a while back about how I felt so guilty about not doing all the things she asked me to do in our marriage. He said simply that even if you did everything she asked you to do, she would still find fault. You see you cannot make someone happy, they have to find happiness within them. If you do everything she asked you to do, she loses respect..you become a doormat. At the end it's a lose-lose situation...while you try to make them happy...they lose respect...if you don't make them happy they say they are unhappy. Either way you lose.

 

All this makes no sense because there's no way you can have a health relationship with someone who cannot be happy with what they have, but feel happiness comes from what they don't have.

[shmuelik]

You're right Gunny.

 

Men and women are completely different.

 

I admit I have my issues, but why do a lot of women not sit down and rationally talk about issues? Why does it have to get to explode stage?

 

I really feel like **** at the moment - wish I could turn back the clock.

 

Life should be a whole lot easier than this.

 

Hi Jimmy.

Saw all the advise here and I have to say that the best you can read here is from beachbum84. She is spot on.

I think what I'm writing here is super controversial but I turned my marriage around when I understood that women are TOTALLY different. Not just in the John Grey way. What we learned about women is mostly incorrect, I guess. thats why there is such a high devorce rate. And I have to say as a man, in 90% its the men's fault because we take our wives for granted. If we would treat them like when we dated them what would happen?

Our wife is our mirror, spiritually speaking. She amplifies our faults. But we think they are the same, they need to rationalize and talk like we do. No, they are total different being. Once we understand that we can turn it around.

 

You are super lucky. You love her. Tell me, what do you think she doesn't like about your doing? Did you critisize her a lot? Tell us a bit more.

 

Btw. I really think you can turn it around and I think we have to find some changes in some pattern. What I read here about being yourself: don't be yourself because that has brought you all the mess.

Now lets try something new that works. I want to be of assistance.

Shall we?

[Jimmy64]

shmuelik

 

Thanks for your note!

 

It sounds really positive. I do want to work on it.

 

We are talking, but she says she is not sure how she feels yet. Wants some time for herself and space.

 

I can be critical and domineering, but don't do it intentionally. I am also "never happy" always setting goals, acheiving them and moving on to the next thing. She thinks I never relax, which is probably true.

 

I really do try to make joint decisions, but she seems to think that I pressure her. I think I have a resolution, but then she changes her mind once it is done and says she was forced into it.

 

She also feels I have not supported her with our children and gone against her on some issues. That is correct, but if I dont believe she is right and she hasnt asked me my thoughts before I am asked to support, I find it very hard if I feel it is blatently wrong. I love her, but also love my kids and dont want to just push something on them I dont believe in.

 

My main issues in her eyes?

- controlling

- never happy

- stressed

- rude

- not supportive

- domineering

- too ambitious

- chauvanistic

 

I think these are the key issues.

 

Really look forward to your feedback.

 

Thanks for caring.

[shmuelik]

shmuelik

 

Thanks for your note!

 

It sounds really positive. I do want to work on it.

 

We are talking, but she says she is not sure how she feels yet. Wants some time for herself and space.

 

I can be critical and domineering, but don't do it intentionally. I am also "never happy" always setting goals, acheiving them and moving on to the next thing. She thinks I never relax, which is probably true.

 

I really do try to make joint decisions, but she seems to think that I pressure her. I think I have a resolution, but then she changes her mind once it is done and says she was forced into it.

 

She also feels I have not supported her with our children and gone against her on some issues. That is correct, but if I dont believe she is right and she hasnt asked me my thoughts before I am asked to support, I find it very hard if I feel it is blatently wrong. I love her, but also love my kids and dont want to just push something on them I dont believe in.

 

My main issues in her eyes?

- controlling

- never happy

- stressed

- rude

- not supportive

- domineering

- too ambitious

- chauvanistic

 

I think these are the key issues.

 

Really look forward to your feedback.

 

Thanks for caring.

 

Sounds like the description that my wife would have given before we made up ; ).

 

You know, its always the same. Men are controlling, rude, chauvanistic, critical etc. Women can't really handle it. That leaves a deep mark in them thats very hard to fix. I'm still working very hard on all the mistakes that I made and my wife will fire back here and there. The only solution is not to get defensive, not to shoot back. Women need to alleviate the pain and they do it mostly by talking/screaming etc. The best in that moment I found out to listen and to acknowledge. Once the storm is over she says: Honey, I really appreciate that you listened. And its OVER. No comment anymore. So, why fighting?

But if you fight back they will go on FOREVER.

 

Now her behavior regarding your kids. I feel the same as you described. But I learned what ever your wife is doing wrong with your kids is nothing as harmful as you fighting about it with her. Misbalance in the home has a tremendous effect on the children and their future. More then anything else. You know that most divorced people have at least somewhere parents that are divorced in their own family? We inherit this disease.

I know what I'm saying because my wife and I have statistically a survival rate of 15% since we both come from divorced homes. Thats why I put so much effort into my marriage and try to help others here as well. It keeps me on track.

 

You wrote:

"but if I dont believe she is right and she hasnt asked me my thoughts before I am asked to support"

 

You need to support her always, always, always. Any argument will just diminish trust and closeness. Women have an intuition that we don't understand. We judge the universe by logic, they judge it by emotions/spirit.

If I would be in your shoes I would really try super hard to listen to everything she has to say and not to push or argue back.

You will see a dramatic change.

 

You wrote:

"We are talking, but she says she is not sure how she feels yet. Wants some time for herself and space."

 

This is not surprising since you guys think about separation. A women can never feel secure about her feelings in such a moment.

She doesn't know how she feels because YOU don't know how you feel.

Our wives are our mirror. They reflect our essence. The bible uses the synonym of having Eve made off Adams ribs.

That means women are our own flesh once we get married to them. Our souls unite. If we put something in between us our bodies want to separate (divorce, no sex etc.)

Try this, I'm sure you will see some changes. Tell her that you totally respect her feelings that she is not sure about you. At the same time let her know that you are very sure about her, that you love her and that you really do your utmost to give her what she needs and that you do what it takes to fix your marriage. You take responsibility for it.

 

We men have a tendency to deprive our wives emotionally since we are mostly lead by intellect and logic. That kills women. They need to be cherished, pleased, honored and respected.

 

One last thing. Please try to totally give up criticizing her. That kills a womens soul. I almost killed my wife (in a soul sense) and I feel still horrible about it.

I just didn't know better.

 

Now, I have peace because I'm not looking at her mistakes ( I guess she has some, I don't know ; ) I'm looking at her good and want to enhance it. Once you do that this will have a huge impact and effect on the so to say 'negative' parts as well. They lift up the negative parts automatically if you amplify her good side.

 

Does this all makes sense?

Keep me posted about your progress.

[Jimmy64]

Dear Shmuelik

 

Thanks for the advice. I wish had found this site before I moved to a separate house. I thought there was just no hope at all.

 

I can see a lot of wisdom in your words and will try to keep the communication going.

 

We are talking and texting, but she keeps saying she needs space and doesn't know how she feels. Last night she said she feels I am pressuring her, so I think I just need to leave her be for a while.

 

It has been 2 months since I moved and we slept in separate rooms for 2 months before that. To me it seems like a long time, but I suppose we have only been completely apart for 8 weeks.

 

I do wonder if things would have just gotten worse if I stayed and this separation will give us both time to cool down and think about the rest of our lives.

 

A few people, including physcologists have said keep trying for up to 12 months. If no progress then move on. I will give it time and want to be the person you describe and know I can be.

 

This is a very tough, emotional process though.

 

gain, thanks for your advice and taking the time to care.

[Darth Vader]

Dear Shmuelik

 

Thanks for the advice. I wish had found this site before I moved to a separate house. I thought there was just no hope at all.

 

I can see a lot of wisdom in your words and will try to keep the communication going.

 

We are talking and texting, but she keeps saying she needs space and doesn't know how she feels. Last night she said she feels I am pressuring her, so I think I just need to leave her be for a while.

 

It has been 2 months since I moved and we slept in separate rooms for 2 months before that. To me it seems like a long time, but I suppose we have only been completely apart for 8 weeks.

 

I do wonder if things would have just gotten worse if I stayed and this separation will give us both time to cool down and think about the rest of our lives.

 

A few people, including physcologists have said keep trying for up to 12 months. If no progress then move on. I will give it time and want to be the person you describe and know I can be.

 

This is a very tough, emotional process though.

 

gain, thanks for your advice and taking the time to care.

 

She says "she needs space"? I wonder who her OM is and how long they've been screwing! Chances are, she's been doing another man for a while now!

[Jimmy64]

Well its been a few months since I wrote on here. Things have not turned out positive. We are in separate houses, I have a girlfriend and my ex wife is going out on a date this week.

 

We really dont talk and she cut off all contact with me along with her family.

 

I thought we might have a chance after being partners and friends for so many years, but I guess not. She has told me she would like to be friends, but will never consider a romantic relationship with me.

 

Feel so much like **** it is not funny. Not sure if it is just the changes in life, or the fact I know it is over and she is dating.

[shmuelik]

Jimmy,

 

I'm sorry to hear that it got that far.

I just want to take your case and say that I always suggest not to separate and live in different homes/houses. As we see with you separation in most cases creates just more separation and doesn't really heal because once you are on your own its different then being together. The problem is not being alone the problem usually is being together. So how do you work on being together when you are alone?

This suggestion that many give here to separate just doesn't makes sense.

The only separation that makes sense once the couple decides to get divorced. Period. I hope others will read about your case and think twice if they want to live in separate apartments in order to clean the mess.

Sorry to hear all that.