Trouble On The Horizon, Or Am I Overreacting About This Situation?

[bajancutie]

My fiancé and I have been together for just over 5 years. We were always extremely close - did everything and went everywhere together, so it was a huge transition for us last July when I had to move to another country to return to school for a higher degree.

 

However, things have changed dramatically since I've been at school. He signed up on dating sites…“out of curiosity”…with a profile claiming he’s single and looking. He’s been chatting with more and more women. He’s been asking his female friends how they feel about him and reporting back to me that they all think he’s a wonderful guy and some even want to sleep with him. He’s assured me that he loves me and would do nothing to hurt me and he’s told them all he’s not interested.

 

However, in spite of knowing this, he increased the frequency of his chats with several on the phone at night and online. He even visited one of them at home one night and sat “outside on the porch”…”just talking”…till 11:00pm. More alarming is the fact that he recently spent the night at another one’s home till 3:00am…again “outside on the porch”…“just talking”...because he was “bored”.

 

He’s a great guy, and I love him a lot, but my gut is screaming that something’s not right here. I’m ok with him having female friends and just hanging out. I can understand how flattered he must feel getting so much female attention. I can even understand feeling bored and lonely and needing comfort, but these kinds of actions – taken all together - make me very uneasy.

 

My problem is that I’m not sure if I should trust my uneasiness. And here’s why:

 

(1) I’m incredibly resentful, because he gives me a really hard time for just talking to guys, and even though I accept full responsibility for my choice to distance myself from them to keep the peace, it somehow seems unfair that he should be allowed to have as much fun as he wants.

 

(2) He’s told me about all these things himself. He didn’t have to as there’s no way I would have known and that makes me think that he’s being open and honest.

 

(3) My previous boyfriend and I were in a LDR and he cheated on me. Back then I had a gut feeling too but I ignored it because he insisted they were “just friends” and I believed him. So perhaps I’m being overly suspicious to make up for that mistake.

 

(4) We make it a priority to communicate frequently and when I went home for the holidays, everything went really well and we were really happy.

 

What should I do? It’s frustrating that after all these years trust should still be an issue between us, but am I right to be concerned or am I overreacting?

[dyermaker]

His actions are unbelievably inappropriate. The fact that he gives you a hard time for talking to guys is just icing on this guy's cake, a committed man should NOT be spending the night at girl's places, should NOT have a profile on a dating service--especially one that says single and looking.

 

On top of that, he's TELLING you about that. That's just pure (look away moi ) disrespect. It's rude, hurtful, and needs to be stopped. What you see as openness and honesty, he sees as the go-ahead to continue to push the envelope.

 

Whether or not he's unfaithful is irrelevant, he needs to stop his behavior if he wishes to remain commited to anyone with even a smidgen of self-respect (that's you).

[Girlie]

If my BF were signed up on a dating site as single and looking and I found out about it...he'd be single all right.

It's one thing for him to have friends that are female. No problem there. But to be signed up on a dating site? Just out of curiosity? Whatever! No, I don't think you're overreacting. In fact, I think you're being awfully nice about it. The fact that he's claiming he would never do anything to hurt you is laughable...he's hurting you Right Now! He may be bored and lonely, but that's no excuse to go running around asking other females how they feel about him and meeting people on a DATING SITE. It's not a friend finder...it's not imbored.com. It's a DATING SITE. His behavior spells trouble in my opinion and I think you need to talk this over with him and tell him you're not comfortable, and that HE wouldn't be if the roles were reversed and that you'd like it to stop.

[moimeme]

(look away moi ) There was no 'ed', dear!

 

I don't know. For some reason, this one doesn't feel like trouble to me. First off, he tells all.

 

Secondly, I have never understood people who are in an LDR and can't hang on for their partner and go off and find someone else. Surely if you are committed to someone, it's because that person is more special than pretty much everyone else to you so how easy ought that be to replace the person? It sounds to me like this guy is of the same mind.

 

I know when I'm committed to a guy it's because nobody else will do. I can spend time with other men - yes even 'till 3 in the morning on a porch - and nothing will induce me to do anything more than talk to them because stacked against my guy they just don't cut it.

 

It seems to me this situation is a case of that. But I could be wrong. Maybe it's just my hope that sometimes people actually believe their mates are irreplaceable.

[bajancutie]

Thanks so much for the responses everyone. At least now I know that my own feelings aren’t off track.

 

We’ve spoken about these issues countless times and things get better for a while until something else comes up and we end up right back were we started. Part of it is a lack of trust because if we really trusted each other, it wouldn’t matter who he was with at what time or who I spoke to.

 

The other part, which is harder for me to understand, is why he would feel the need to explore dating sites? Why the curiosity? Why would he care what other women thought of him? Why so intent on keeping me in line while he does the very things that he finds so deplorable?

 

I realize though that my actions have contributed to a large part of the problem. I haven’t fought for my feelings enough and as a result, surrendered my identity and individuality during the course of this relationship…perhaps out of a genuine desire to make things work…or perhaps just fear of being alone. Clearly I have to deal with my own self-esteem issues and quit punishing myself by accepting things that aren’t in alignment with my core.

 

Sorry if I’m rambling. I guess this situation is just like a club over the head after soft, polite nudges proved ineffective. I’ve lost me and quite frankly, right now I just feel sad, insecure and terrified about the road ahead (still have another year left before graduation).

 

In the end, I’ve decided that the best thing to do is postpone the wedding for now, focus on my education, and try to take care of me. I love him and I’m willing to work things through, but if deep down he can’t handle the distance and is looking for someone who can meet his needs right away, then there’s really nothing I can do.

[befuddled11]

I'm familiar with those online dating sites. So okay, he's got a profile on one, and advertises himself as 'single and looking.' So....these gals he's chatting with, and sitting on the porch with.......wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that they BELIEVE he IS single? I mean, let's be real here. It's a dating site. Where singles go to meet other singles to date/maybe start a relationship with. I find it hard to believe he's advertising himself as "single and looking" yet when he makes contact with a gal from there, he's very quick to say

 

"Oh I just want to be clear, I'm not really single.....I have a girlfriend and I'm in a serious relationship..I'm really just here because I'm bored and lonely and looking to make friends."

 

The vast majority of gals on a site like this wouldn't give the time of day to someone who admitted to being in a serious LDR....why would they? Those sites are like being a kid in a candy store. If they were aware he had a girlfriend, they'd just blow him off and start chatting with someone else.

 

Soooooooooo.....he's obviously continuing the charade with them, I would think, and not telling them about you at all. Otherwise, no girl in her right mind would meet up with a guy who admits he has a girlfriend. They'd wonder what kind of idiot he was to be in a relationship, yet on a dating site. They'd think he was a player.

 

While his "honesty" may seem refreshing and admirable, I don't buy it for a minute. I'd say he's doing nothing more than covering his arse, and setting it all up so that he doesn't have to feel any guilt...afterall, he did tell you what he was doing, right?

 

It's never right for a person in a relationship to put themself into a situation that's risky..that could tempt them, that could lead to infidelity and betrayal. Spending the night with some gal he met on a dating site, that's just plain wrong. And wow, there sure are a lot of girls in his area that have houses with porches on them.

 

I find it very odd that he'd admit to you that he's asking his female friends what they think of him, and that he's telling you that some say they'd want to sleep with him. That's weird stuff to be telling your girlfriend who's miles away.

 

So again............the question of the day is: is he admitting to these single girls on this dating site that he isn't in fact "single" but instead, that he's in a serious committed long distance relationship????

[bajancutie]

Thanks for the response befuddled11, but perhaps my message wasn't clear. As far as I know, he hasn't contacted anyone from the dating sites. These ladies that he chats with on the phone and online are people he's met through work and other activities. Until I left he'd never visited them at home and since we spent so much time together, he didn't converse with them that much.

 

So....these gals he's chatting with, and sitting on the porch with.......wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that they BELIEVE he IS single?

 

From what he's told me, he's made it clear to everyone that he's involved and very much in love. Apparently they admire him even more because he's so dedicated.

 

I totally agree with you that you shouldn't put yourself in risky situations. That's exactly what these late night visits represent in my opinion: a huge risk. But he says that no one can make him do anything that he doesn't want to. However, I believe that as human beings we're not infallible and therefore anything can happen whether or not it's intended.

 

Really we have a great relationship on every other level but this. When we're together he's sweet, affectionate, considerate; we have fun together and talk alot; and after 5 years the romance is still there. So I can't figure out how to interpret what's happening now.

[Dejin]

It is nice to know you trust your man enough to take his word and hold it true. However, in this case and with this evidence, I would at the very least, be cautious and alert. You say that he is open and he tells you all these things. Is it possible that he is holding certain things back, or not telling the complete truth?

 

"But he says that no one can make him do anything that he doesn't want to."

 

Agreed. Yet, with all this 'curiousity' and risk, are you sure that he does, in fact, not want to? My advice to you would be to turn the tables. Would he dislike you doing the things that he is doing? Call him on it, as a test. If he does not like it then he has no right to do it himself, since of course you are uncomfortable with it.

 

As a last thought: you say that he is very sweet, affectionate, ect. He may be, but that gives him no excuse to disregard your feelings on a matter such as this. These are very suspicious acts, and not something to be overlooked by any means.

[bajancutie]

Thanks again. I really appreciate the feedback.

 

Unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worst and I suspect that what you may be on to something Dejin

 

"Is it possible that he is holding certain things back, or not telling the complete truth?"

 

Although I was determined to leave it alone and just focus on school till I get home in a month, my emotions got the better of me. I've been worrying about this to the point of distraction...very little food...hardly any sleep... (which I can ill-afford right now with exams just around the corner) so I decided to once again initiate discussion on the subject.

 

Well, now he's turned things around and focusing the fact that he doesn't trust me (which was pretty obvious from his hangups about my having male friends). He's all upset about some really trivial stuff (e.g. the fact that I sent him a forward which I received from one of my buddies...thinks that I'm constantly chatting with this friend behind his back...doesn't think I'm committed...and a whole load of other BS...mind you, he's sent me forwards he received from his friends even though he deletes the headers). I've hardly (read: once in 3 months) spoken to my friend via online chat or email...we simply exchange forwards with a few two-liner-how-are-you kind of emails in between...I explained all this when we had this same argument months ago.

 

I feel like I'm butting my head against a brick wall...really frustrated...like my BF has been replaced by some stranger...like he's gone defensive and just trying to shift the focus away from the core issue. I tried my best not to be accusatory in my approach...tried to focus on how working on trust is important for the long run...tried to point out the fact that he'd go ballistic if I did what he did...but it was a total flop . Now he's just distant...few emails, no more phone calls and curt responses when we chat online.

 

There's no way that things could have gotten this bad so quickly...so now I feel like a heel because I MUST have missed/ignored the tell-tale signs somewhere along the line.

 

P.S. My apologies for the long posts. I'm new here (both to the forum and venting my issues so openly) so I haven't quite perfected the art of putting just the bare essentials.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by bajancutie

Well, now he's turned things around and focusing the fact that he doesn't trust me

 

In case you weren't already aware of this, it's a very common tactic among cheaters, for them to accuse their partner of that which they're guilty of. OR.....to try and twist everything around, to take the focus off of themself. He's playing headgames with you here. It's almost as if he's setting this all up so that he can begin to accuse you of being unfaithful and dishonest...when in fact, sorry to say, but I think those qualities very much describe him.

 

Some people just aren't cut out for long distance relationships. Some are faithful and trustworthy to start, but over time, they just can't stay committed......and it all starts out innocently, but then becomes a slippery slope and before you know it, they're cheating.

 

My God. He's got issues with you forwarding a forward that was sent to you by a male buddy, yet HE is the one with the personal ad, he's the one meeting women and talking with them til the wee hours of the morning? HOW IRONIC (and hypocritical of him). This is a classic case of the pot trying to call the kettle black.

[Dejin]

I don't see how he can think all those things are ok, yet if you get a *forwarded* email from someone he goes ballistic. I mean seriously, how messed up is that?? (He's actually telling you "I'm guilty, I'm guilty!" right here)

 

I'm sorry things have turned so bad, bajan. I know what it is like to be in this kind of a situation... I am even more sorry to say that befuddled is right also.

 

It's a very common tactic among cheaters, for them to accuse their partner of that which they're guilty of. OR.....to try and twist everything around, to take the focus off of themself.

 

I think if I were in your position I'd stop talking to him. My reasoning is this: If he wont listen to you then stop talking. This would be one last effort to save your relationship, to give you both time alone. For you, to clear your mind. For him, maybe he would see he has really upset you, and he then could do something about it. If that is too much, or not something you want to do, then call the relationship off completely. You deserve someone much more mature then that.

 

Again, I am sorry. That all just really sucks.

[fancypants]

WOW! You are stronger than I am. i would have already ditched him! A guy who does soemthing like putting an ad online is looking for something. And if he has told you that a few woman want to sleep with him. The only reason they would know they want to sleep with him would be if they had done things with him! The whole thing just sounds a little fishy. Almost like he is trying to find out if you are doing things, or almost like he is doing it to see if you will get jealous!

 

My heart would not be able to handle something like that especailly if I lived really far away from him. You are probably having a little doubts since your last BF cheated on you. My best thing to say is move on, or tell him out right that you want him to remove his ad or you will not be married! Ask him if he still wantes to get married.

 

He obviously does not love you as much as you think he does if he is doing this. As bad as it sounds...yeah it hurts, and I hurt for you! Good luck to you girl...concentrate on your education right now. You will be glad you did it, get the stupid boyout of your head. You have your whole life to find the perfect someone, and he seems like the wrong someone. 5 years is a longtime with someone. I was in a six year relationship and it is over now, and I am just fine now! MOVE ON!

 

GOOD LUCK

[bajancutie]

Hello everyone, sorry for taking so long to respond to at least say thanks for your advice and supportive comments.

 

"tell him out right that you want him to remove his ad or you will not be married! Ask him if he still wants to get married."

 

Last time we spoke I told him that I want to delay the wedding because we can't take that step with all of these trust issues over our head. He said that he’s still committed, but he seems to think that I'm doing it because I want to be with someone else.

 

I've just spent the last 4 days bawling my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself and doubting my reasoning. I didn't contact him at all during that time as I somehow felt like I needed some space to get myself together. I didn’t tell him that – I just disappeared without a word - and I know that that will probably make things even worse. Unfortunately, he hasn't contacted me either. Maybe he's thoroughly enjoying himself or maybe he's taking the time out to think too, who knows.

 

It hurts like hell, but I've come to the conclusion that whatever happens things will work out for the best. If this is somehow meant to be a turning point where things get really rough, but we learn from it and move to a whole new level of love that we never thought possible, then terrific. If on the other hand however, this signals the end of our relationship, then I have no choice but to accept that and carry on.

 

My sincere thanks again for everything.