Need some input

[Lexygirl]

I am so happy to have found this forum. I hope maybe for some input cus I am seriously going insane.

 

I've been married for 18 years. We have 2 kids. Daughter is almost 12 and our son is 16.

We have gotten along together fairly well I would say for the most part. SEx has basically sucked but sometimes life is about a trade off I guess.

The passion is non existent.

 

Anytime something in life has come up that is pretty stressful, I usually deal with it myself and we move along. BUT......

 

Over two years ago something very traumatic happened in our family (which I prefer not to disclose at this time) and well for the first week we leaned on each other a bit but after that he internalized everything and checked out his way and I checked out in mine (internet, wine) BUT I went to a therapist and worked hard to get through it - he did not. Our relationship has been a total disconnect. We never communicate on a deep level but never fight (wish we would)

Anyway, fast forward to present....

For the past 6 months, I had started to really crave real passion and sex in my life. So as one of my last attempts at helping our relationship, I used my sexual energy towards him and to no avail. He just didn't have the desire anyway.

Then I came to realize it doesn't matter anyway, I don't want him in that way if at all.

At the beginning of September, I decided to move out. I moved out for 2 months... Something had to give and his neglect and complacent ways had to stop.

Yes there were other men. He knows of one. The sad thing is, I never felt a bit guilty and I think it's because it was only about the sex.

 

I moved back in last weekend because I miss my kids and the countryside.

 

BUT even though he has been trying to do anything he can to make me happy and I have been pleasant, I see things way too clearly...... I don't want him near me. I feel like he is my brother. It makes me sick when he touches me. I care about him alot and this is killing me. I feel like a failure. I cry daily because all I do is try to figure this all out and I can't. I can't figure out how to be in love with him or how I can make myself want him sexually.

We have this house and financially a break up will basically make us start the mortgage all over again. Also, most importantly my kids are precious victims in all of this hell. I just feel like I am an evil, nasty person but I honestly just want to be happy and I know he deserves to be happy and fulfilled too.

If you have read all of this to this point, I really appreciate it and..

Please, any input would help.

Lexy

[lee777]

Hey Lexi ...

 

I spell your name with an I instead of a Y. It's about YOU Lexi.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Lexygirl :

 

Basically what this is all going to boil down to is this...do you want "in" or "out"? Everything between now, and the moment you answer this question for yourself and decide to act, is all "fluff & stuff"!

 

If you want "in", than I would strongly recommend both of you seek out and retain the services of a marriage counselor. Why you might need a counselor, you may ask? Well I don't think that either one of you, left to your own devices, has what it takes to fix this. You've tried to have talks, you tried to "wine and dine" him, you've tried to sexually throw yourself at him, you've tried the moving out thing for two months and still nothing as of yet has worked, if it did, you wouldn't be here on L.S. posting about it.

 

If you want "out", then by all means, don't waste anymore time by sticking around, divorce and move on! You know you can find a place to live on your own, you have already done that for 2 months. You know you can take of yourself, you did for 2 months. If this all has become so much of a problem, than why not leave? And don't say that your only sticking around for the sake of the kids, that line is to click-ish! Regardless of holding on for the kids, if you don't take real good care for you first, how will you be totally there for the kids down the road.

 

But personally, in my opinion, you've already flicked that switch in your head! The switch that helps control how you feel about people, namely your Husband. For the switch has been flipped from "he feels like my husband" to "he feels like a bother to me"! If marriage counseling doesn't do the trick, and helps you flip back that switch from "feels like a brother" to "feels like a Husband", I don't know what to tell you then, it then just might be that you guy's maybe won't be Husband and Wife, but more so like Sister and Brother figures to each other down the road, if not only good friends.

[Lexygirl]

Lee777 are you saying I'm self-centred? Just wondering what you mean.

 

Zen Warrior,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. We have been to a marriage counsellor 3 times together and I went once alone last week. It has helped to start to get things out on the table since my husband is very good at denial and also hates to rock the boat so he doesn't like to dig too deep. This has backfired big time.

 

As far as 'the brother' thing, I've felt like that for a very long time but have just started to face it. This is serious and very unsettling.

I keep thinking that perhaps I can just go along in this sexless, passionless marriage and 'settle' for hangin out with my 'friend' for the rest of my life but the next thought that comes into my mind is - we both deserve more.

 

:'(

[lee777]

Do you think that it's remotely possible that your sexless marriage is about you? Are you the reason why your husband has no interest in sex?

[You Go Girl]

It has helped to start to get things out on the table since my husband is very good at denial and also hates to rock the boat so he doesn't like to dig too deep. This has backfired big time.

 

As far as 'the brother' thing, I've felt like that for a very long time but have just started to face it. This is serious and very unsettling.

I keep thinking that perhaps I can just go along in this sexless, passionless marriage and 'settle' for hangin out with my 'friend' for the rest of my life but the next thought that comes into my mind is - we both deserve more.

 

:'(

 

So tell us how this digging deep has backfired big time. This is key to starting to understand your H. If he is in denial, be patient, the MC will expose what he wants to avoid.

 

As for the sexual problem, well, honestly, you created it since you went out on him. In your case, I can see it was hot monkey sex. How is a real person, flaws and all, supposed to compete with living out fantasies, and with several men?

Stop thinking of him as an old shoe you've worn out. It's up to you to rekindle fire within yourself. You do that by first remembering what is attractive about him to you, and secondly by throwing that same passion you had for strangers his direction.

Did he go out on you also? If not, he may feel emasculated. I think in that case you should be the one to make him feel masculine again.

Edited November 5, 2010 by You Go Girl

[Lexygirl]

I'm not asking him to be anything spectacular or amazing, but I do have needs.

After 18 years of him not giving a crap whether or not I'm satisfied sexually, yes I started looking to other men. I've satisfied him sexually and yes made him feel good and I only wanted to feel the same.

 

What I meant by 'backfired bigtime' was his being in denial and us not communicating on a deep level.

 

He's not my enemy. I don't feel that way about him. Life has thrown us some curves and we both have handled things poorly. It is what it is....

My dilemma is where to go from here....

I know passion with someone new is different than someone you've been with for a long time. However, I want to feel good when he holds me. I want to feel SOMETHING at the very least. I want to have a man who I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I want a man who I want to go to with my problems and joys.

[You Go Girl]

I'm not asking him to be anything spectacular or amazing, but I do have needs.

After 18 years of him not giving a crap whether or not I'm satisfied sexually, yes I started looking to other men. I've satisfied him sexually and yes made him feel good and I only wanted to feel the same. <--have you told him that? Does he know that you weren't satisfied sexually? Really? Honestly? 18 years and he has never given a crap if you were satisfied sexually?

 

What I meant by 'backfired bigtime' was his being in denial and us not communicating on a deep level. <--I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I am really trying to help you.

You are telling me that you went out and had affairs, which surely distracted your attention, and that during all that you were communicating with your husband on a deep level? Who's in denial now?

 

He's not my enemy. I don't feel that way about him. Life has thrown us some curves and we both have handled things poorly. It is what it is....

My dilemma is where to go from here....

I know passion with someone new is different than someone you've been with for a long time. However, I want to feel good when he holds me. I want to feel SOMETHING at the very least. I want to have a man who I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I want a man who I want to go to with my problems and joys.

 

I can sympathize with wanting to go to him with your problems and joys. When was the last time you tried that with your H?

[Lexygirl]

I mean to say that WE haven't been communicating on a deep level EVER in our relationship and yes he is good at denial (not seeing things the way they are - turning a blind eye hoping that things will just correct themselves magically)

Yes, he knows I haven't been satisfied sexually. I told him with words lately. Before um I would have thought it was blatantly obvious but sometimes things just need to be spelled out I guess.

As far as going to him when I'm having a bad day or a good one, it's been an eternity. The reason being, he is a very judgmental, negative person and I have never really felt that safe going to him with much.

[iheartboobs]

Let me make sure I'm understanding you:

 

So you never told him he didn't satify you, but he should have known.

You don't feel "safe" confiding in him, but it's his fault you never connected on a deep, emotional level.

You didn't tell him you stopped being attracted to him as a lover, but he should have figured that out and made more of an effort.

 

...and you have to nerve to describe him as "not seeing things the way they are - turning a blind eye hoping that things will just correct themselves magically"?

 

So, instead of talking to your husband about any of this, you go out and have affairs with multiple men. You rationalize this by saying your husband never made any kind of effort to be with you sexually, so you don't feel bad. Now, that you've finally communicted to him that something has been wrong and he's "trying to do anything he can to make (you) happy" you want out.

 

Is all that about right?

 

And what really gets me is that somehow, somehow you've convinced yourself that you're the victim here.

 

What the hell is wrong with you?

[bassplayertn]

From what I can see from reading all of this, I truly believe you have made up your mind and are trying to justify your actions and new desires because you know it is wrong. Quitting is the easy way out for you. You will destroy him in the process but all you see is your selfish needs that are enhanced by the lies you are telling yourself and allowing to become your new realities......

 

 

I don't say this to judge you or anything like that. I just think you would be better served to face the truth and stop blaming anyone but yourself....

Edited November 5, 2010 by bassplayertn

[HopelessinDTW]

I am so happy to have found this forum. I hope maybe for some input cus I am seriously going insane.

 

I've been married for 18 years. We have 2 kids. Daughter is almost 12 and our son is 16.

We have gotten along together fairly well I would say for the most part. SEx has basically sucked but sometimes life is about a trade off I guess.

The passion is non existent.

 

Anytime something in life has come up that is pretty stressful, I usually deal with it myself and we move along. BUT......

 

Over two years ago something very traumatic happened in our family (which I prefer not to disclose at this time) and well for the first week we leaned on each other a bit but after that he internalized everything and checked out his way and I checked out in mine (internet, wine) BUT I went to a therapist and worked hard to get through it - he did not. Our relationship has been a total disconnect. We never communicate on a deep level but never fight (wish we would)

Anyway, fast forward to present....

For the past 6 months, I had started to really crave real passion and sex in my life. So as one of my last attempts at helping our relationship, I used my sexual energy towards him and to no avail. He just didn't have the desire anyway.

Then I came to realize it doesn't matter anyway, I don't want him in that way if at all.

At the beginning of September, I decided to move out. I moved out for 2 months... Something had to give and his neglect and complacent ways had to stop.

Yes there were other men. He knows of one. The sad thing is, I never felt a bit guilty and I think it's because it was only about the sex.

 

I moved back in last weekend because I miss my kids and the countryside.

 

BUT even though he has been trying to do anything he can to make me happy and I have been pleasant, I see things way too clearly...... I don't want him near me. I feel like he is my brother. It makes me sick when he touches me. I care about him alot and this is killing me. I feel like a failure. I cry daily because all I do is try to figure this all out and I can't. I can't figure out how to be in love with him or how I can make myself want him sexually.

We have this house and financially a break up will basically make us start the mortgage all over again. Also, most importantly my kids are precious victims in all of this hell. I just feel like I am an evil, nasty person but I honestly just want to be happy and I know he deserves to be happy and fulfilled too.

If you have read all of this to this point, I really appreciate it and..

Please, any input would help.

Lexy

Seems like the traumatic event was a changing point in your lives. I don't want the detail of the event. but you say that you both checked out...what makes you beleive this? Some men, including me, have a hard time taking about things. Sometimes the best cure is to just keep it in, and deal with it on our own terms and time. YES, it's true that sharing these feelings and thoughts help more, but in his case maybe he just didn't want to talk about it because it would hurt more to talk about it then bury it.

 

Now since you say checked out at this time, and I believe this when you started to doubt your marriage. Then you felt like you needed more than just a friend, but a sexual relationship that lacked. You decided to leave, and found that you could get men that showed interest. You didn't feel guilt because you justified to yourself that he was worthless a husband, but only a friend. See here's the problem, you should have told your husband exactly how you felt. You assumed so many things. To a certain degree, you assumed things about him to justify your actions. I think your ultimate goal was to leave him anyways, but you just kept him in the dark about your feelings. He probably had very little clue as the how your REALLY felt? Now that he's actually doing things to mend the relationship, you don't want him or desire him...because it doesn't fit into the image you have set of him in your mind.

 

If you would have told him months ago that you were not being sexually satisfied, and that you felt distant. And told him that you were thinking about other men, ending the marriage, etc. I would bet that he would have done anything to make you happy. But see you consciencly let it go far enough where now any attempt at reconcilliation will make you ose even more respect for him...too little too late...right? I'm sorry for being so harsh, but without knowing his side of the story it seems like you just never gave him a chance in hell to save your marriage. Now you come here and ask us to feel sorry for you, and justify your actions. I'm sorry to see yet another marriage go down, and other broken family...and for what?? Really ask yourself for what??

[Lexygirl]

Um I don't think most of you get why I've come here.

I haven't come here to justify what I've done,

I haven't come here to validate what I've done,

I've come here to possibly hear some sane advice regarding what to do from here. All you want to hear is the negative points in my posts. I told the whole story here so that ppl know everything openly.

I didn't say that I was right in having affairs. Of course it's wrong.

 

If you read my whole orignial post, you would see that I did go to him sexually all summer and he didn't respond and yes for years he SHOULD have cared that I'm not satisfied that way. But I'm still not USING that to justify anything... It is what it is.... I have needs too.

As far as going to him emotionally, I have in the past done that too... only to be shot down and judged so I stopped doing that too.

 

Also, when the traumatic event happened, we didn't go to each other basically. That also is what it is... But it led to huge distance basically and a total disconnect. THE thing is... it was blatantly obvious the hell I was going through as I cried every night and drank and he just sat there on his computer.

 

Iheartboobs:

Where the hell did I ever say I am a victim??? Hmm don't remember saying that either. We are all victims of circumstance here....

Yes I had choices. Yes he had choices. We both made poor choices.

 

BUT I am not looking for an excuse or justification. I just want to know if anyone else has been in similar situations and if it seemed to get better with time and patience or if we are just too far gone here

[willowthewisp]

No, or course you are not too far gone. You married him for a reason, that reason was b/c you loved him and you will again, it is just going to take some effort on both your parts, but then ALL marriage does, even the healthy ones, in fact THAT IS WHY THEY ARE HEALTHY! You are a team, work as one and you will see results. Keep going to MC, start "dating" each other again and take it slow. If you don't wnat to be intimate with him physically then tell him and tell him you need a lot of time and "redating". Treat it as getting to know each other again and along side of that discuss your hurt feelings for how he treated you during this crisis in MC, then the sexual problems in MC.

[HopelessinDTW]

Sorry for being so critical in my previous post. It just really gets to me when I see a 18 year marriage going down the way it is. Yes, you seem to think you've done all you can, but the fact that he has "woken up" and is really trying to make things better makes me think he needs/deserves a final chance. I think some men, I include me in the mix, don't really understand the depth of the problems until it hits them smack in the face. So try to understand that his view on the marriage problems is much different than yours. And has been suggested, you really do need to get both of you into MC. If he flat out refuses, and knows the consequences of his inaction...then by all means file for divorce.

[iheartboobs]

You don't have to say you're the victim, you act like a victim.

 

I care about him alot and this is killing me. I feel like a failure. I cry daily because all I do is try to figure this all out and I can't. I can't figure out how to be in love with him or how I can make myself want him sexually.

 

O!M!G! Poor you!

 

Also, most importantly my kids are precious victims in all of this hell. I just feel like I am an evil, nasty person but I honestly just want to be happy and I know he deserves to be happy and fulfilled too.

 

I can tell from this quote that, deep down, you're a really good person and it was your evil husband and "circumstances" that made you cheat... you just wanted to be happy. Things happen... you can't control that.

 

Yes there were other men. He knows of one. The sad thing is, I never felt a bit guilty and I think it's because it was only about the sex.

 

I moved back in last weekend because I miss my kids and the countryside.

 

You say he knows of "one"? That's good, one is a slip, one can be forgiven, with just one you can still be the poor victim that made a mistake... it's going to be harder to pull that off if everyone knows you left your husband and kids for 2 months to go get run train on every night.

 

I keep thinking that perhaps I can just go along in this sexless, passionless marriage and 'settle' for hangin out with my 'friend' for the rest of my life but the next thought that comes into my mind is - we both deserve more.

 

:'(

 

See, now I can tell that you really are the victim. You want to make it work... not to the point of MC or, God forbid, actually talking to your husband... but enough to kind of feel bad. I mean, that sad cry-ee face didn't type itself, now did it? That's commitment.

 

As far as going to him when I'm having a bad day or a good one, it's been an eternity. The reason being, he is a very judgmental, negative person and I have never really felt that safe going to him with much.

 

Here we go, a reason you can't talk to your husband about your marriage. Is it your fault for being a coward? Hell to the no! It's his fault for being "negative" and not making you feel "safe" to come to him with your problems. I mean, you're did everything possible to make this marriage work, but having to deal with a slight amount of discomfort in order to talk to your husband... that's just unreasonable.

 

You want to know where to go from here? Tell your husband the whole truth. Everything. Beginning to end. If he still wants to be with you (which I can't imagine), thank God for giving you a man more understanding and forgiving than you are or deserve and actually work on your marriage instead of keeping your thoughts bottled up and expecting your husband to not only know that something's wrong, but exactly what and exactly how to fix it. If he doesn't want you, well, that just kind of works itself out, doesn't it?

[Lexygirl]

Thank you very much to HopelessinDTW and WillowTheWisp

Edited November 5, 2010 by Lexygirl
needed to clarify

[iheartboobs]

Notice you didn't thank me... that's cool, it's no problem. I'm here to help.

 

I don't mean that everything is your fault. He did his fair share, too, I'm sure, but, if you have any intention of actually making this marriage (or any of your future realtionships) work, you need to own up to what you did.

 

You give examples of what you've done wrong, but each example is accompanied by an excuse for why you felt you had to or were justified in what you did. You abandoned your family to go live a fantasy for two months... there's no excuse for that. "I tried to be intimate, but he didn't care about my physical needs or desires" sure sounds a lot better than "I was horny" but it adds up to about the same thing.

 

If you want your husband to know what's wrong with you, TELL HIM!

If you want to connect with your husband on a deeper level, TALK TO HIM!

If you really feel you need to get laid to the point that you'll abandon your children for some strange, TELL YOUR HUSBAND EXACTLY THAT!

 

You seem to be placing a lot of blame on your husband for basically not having ESP. Then, when you finally do tell him something's wrong, you dismiss his attempts. I mean:

 

I had started to really crave real passion and sex in my life. So as one of my last attempts at helping our relationship, I used my sexual energy towards him and to no avail.

 

So, him not wanting to have sex with you is bad. Gotcha. Doesn't matter how he feels, no point in trying to find out why he doesn't want to have sex... simply put: not wanting sex = bad. I hear you loud and clear.

 

even though he has been trying to do anything he can to make me happy and I have been pleasant, I see things way too clearly...... I don't want him near me. I feel like he is my brother. It makes me sick when he touches me.

 

D'what now? I thought him not wanting sex was the problem... a big enough problem for you to move out out of the house (thank the lord for the countryside that you missed so much or you might have stayed gone), and have multiple affairs. Now him touching you makes you sick? All right, you tell me, what exactly should he do? If he doesn't want sex, you leave, but if he wants sex, you get sick... how does he win this game?

 

Last thing: if you can't handle random internet guy being negative and judgemental (which, I assume you can't since your response to my last post was to ignore it), there's no way you're ever going to be able to communicate with your husband. It's probably in his best interest for you to file for divorce and let him move on.

Edited November 5, 2010 by iheartboobs

[HopelessinDTW]

Notice you didn't thank me... that's cool, it's no problem. I'm here to help.

 

I don't mean that everything is your fault. He did his fair share, too, I'm sure, but, if you have any intention of actually making this marriage (or any of your future realtionships) work, you need to own up to what you did.

 

You give examples of what you've done wrong, but each example is accompanied by an excuse for why you felt you had to or were justified in what you did. You abandoned your family to go live a fantasy for two months... there's no excuse for that. "I tried to be intimate, but he didn't care about my physical needs or desires" sure sounds a lot better than "I was horny" but it adds up to about the same thing.

 

If you want your husband to know what's wrong with you, TELL HIM!

If you want to connect with your husband on a deeper level, TALK TO HIM!

If you really feel you need to get laid to the point that you'll abandon your children for some strange, TELL YOUR HUSBAND EXACTLY THAT!

 

You seem to be placing a lot of blame on your husband for basically not having ESP. Then, when you finally do tell him something's wrong, you dismiss his attempts. I mean:

 

 

 

So, him not wanting to have sex with you is bad. Gotcha. Doesn't matter how he feels, no point in trying to find out why he doesn't want to have sex... simply put: not wanting sex = bad. I hear you loud and clear.

 

 

 

D'what now? I thought him not wanting sex was the problem... a big enough problem for you to move out out of the house (thank the lord for the countryside that you missed so much or you might have stayed gone), and have multiple affairs. Now him touching you makes you sick? All right, you tell me, what exactly should he do? If he doesn't want sex, you leave, but if he wants sex, you get sick... how does he win this game?

 

Last thing: if you can't handle random internet guy being negative and judgemental (which, I assume you can't since your response to my last post was to ignore it), there's no way you're ever going to be able to communicate with your husband. It's probably in his best interest for you to file for divorce and let him move on.

Iheartboobs:

 

Look I think we have both see ourselves as the H in the story Lexygirl is telling us. All we have to go by is her side of the story. As I always say there her side, his side, and the truth. As such, with what we know, we can only give opinions on a one-sided story. I am not saying your wrong in your opinions, but we don't know the whole story here. For some "trying to save my marriage" may equate to... "I mentioned to my husband I am not happy a couple of time this past year"...to others may equate to "I told him on a monthly basis that if we don't go to MC, I am going to walk out". From what she has said, it looks like she has tried...or at least what she considers trying. If she can't stand touching him, thinking of him in a sexual way, then I think she's done. BUT, it still doesn't hurt to got to MC to give him one last chance...since he is sincerely doing what he can to save the marriage. I think she feels some guilt and remorse because of this, and is now coming to us for a second opinion....isn't that what we are here for?

 

One thing that really bothers me though is how you, Lexygirl, were able to be away from your kids for 2 MONTHS! This seems almost unbelieveable to me that you would do this to your kids while you were having affairs.

[Lexygirl]

I had my daughter with me half the time.

My son is 16 and loves his home, computer, guitar, etc. and has tourettes and learning disabilities and is sincerely more stable in his own home. Until I was sure where our separation was going to take us, I decided it's best to leave him at the house and he agreed.

Not to sound like a 'victim' but the pain was unbearable every day that I was away from them.

I did not leave to have sex with other men. I left because something had to give here. Going through the motions of life while we were probably both dying a slow death inside just had to end - somehow.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay what can we help you with?

 

Let's do a laundry list:

 

Traumatic emotional and sexual disconnect from your husband: this needs some serious counseling right here.

 

Trying to be sexual with him all summer didn't work

you leave and are sexual with others

 

You still want to save your marriage, or are you not sure.

 

You can recreate those feelings of passion if your marriage is healthy. But in order for it to become healthy you must do the following:

 

1. Commit to it, regardless of his reaction

 

2. Seek independent counseling to find out why you have let yourself go so out of control and have been using risky behaviours. Then stop the behaviours that are risky. If it is using your spouse to self-destruct, then stop. If you slip up, take a moral inventory of yourself and then start again. When you start treating yourself with respect, you automatically treat others with respect.

 

3. Respect yourself. Do not violate your own moral code.

 

4. Disclose what you have done. You owe that to yourself and your mate, allow him to make whatever choices he needs to.

 

5. Stay committed. Make amends as best you can.

 

6. Be optimistic, accepting and loving towards your mate. He is not made of stone, he will respond one way or the other unless he has lost all feeling for you.

 

7. After you have accepted your share of responsibility and have tried all that you can for one year with no response or positive motion forward. Then move on.

 

If you cannot commit to the above, he is far better off without you. The sex follows naturally when the intimacy is restored. You are thinking with your "feeling brain" instead of your "logical brain." The logic must govern the feelings, the behaviours governing the feelings, not the other way around.

 

Yes restoring your marriage may feel unpleasant for awhile, but the long-term emotional payout is what you are looking for, instead of the upfront sex and passion and then feeling empty afterward.

[HopelessinDTW]

Okay what can we help you with?

 

Let's do a laundry list:

 

Traumatic emotional and sexual disconnect from your husband: this needs some serious counseling right here.

 

Trying to be sexual with him all summer didn't work

you leave and are sexual with others

 

You still want to save your marriage, or are you not sure.

 

You can recreate those feelings of passion if your marriage is healthy. But in order for it to become healthy you must do the following:

 

1. Commit to it, regardless of his reaction

 

2. Seek independent counseling to find out why you have let yourself go so out of control and have been using risky behaviours. Then stop the behaviours that are risky. If it is using your spouse to self-destruct, then stop. If you slip up, take a moral inventory of yourself and then start again. When you start treating yourself with respect, you automatically treat others with respect.

 

3. Respect yourself. Do not violate your own moral code.

 

4. Disclose what you have done. You owe that to yourself and your mate, allow him to make whatever choices he needs to.

 

5. Stay committed. Make amends as best you can.

 

6. Be optimistic, accepting and loving towards your mate. He is not made of stone, he will respond one way or the other unless he has lost all feeling for you.

 

7. After you have accepted your share of responsibility and have tried all that you can for one year with no response or positive motion forward. Then move on.

 

If you cannot commit to the above, he is far better off without you. The sex follows naturally when the intimacy is restored. You are thinking with your "feeling brain" instead of your "logical brain." The logic must govern the feelings, the behaviours governing the feelings, not the other way around.

 

Yes restoring your marriage may feel unpleasant for awhile, but the long-term emotional payout is what you are looking for, instead of the upfront sex and passion and then feeling empty afterward.

Very nice. My stbx needed this advice 6 months ago.

Lexy...please consider this advice. Think about what it would mean for you to abandon a 18 year marriage...you need to try one last time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Even just so your kids don't think you are scum for what happened with their dad.

[Lexygirl]

Thank you DreamingofTigers

 

We are going out tonight together.

I'm emotionally exhausted but I want to push myself for him - for us.

I hope I can just not overthink stuff tonight and just be with him.

[You Go Girl]

Relax. You'll do fine. Just go back to a simplier time in your mind--before all this upheaval this summer, back a few years, remember when things weren't so complicated between the two of you.

Notice one thing--just one simple thing about his looks--his ears if necessary, that you found cute or appealing. He's still got it. So do you.