Need some input

[Lexygirl]

You are all making perfect sense... Thank you.

I guess I just always feel like he's making excuses and like we will never have a healthy sex life and it's upsetting and frustrating.

[dreamingoftigers]

Automatic Negative Thinking probably won't help or negative predicting. I would seriously ask him to knock off the porn at least until you and he are on the same page.

[Distant78]

You haven't even told him about all of the times you cheated and you expect for him to read your mind while you're steady abusing him. Divorce him and let him find someone who really cares about him.

[dreamingoftigers]

You haven't even told him about all of the times you cheated and you expect for him to read your mind while you're steady abusing him. Divorce him and let him find someone who really cares about him.

 

Just figure your stuff out instead of going back and forth all if the time. If you are going to dedicate yourself to fixing it, then keep going until you have exhausted every viable option. If you aren't going to fix it and it isn't worth your time, then go and don't expect the emotional support from the family that you are leaving behind. If you don't know which way to turn, then make sure that YOU clearly know what you want from a relationship and that it is reasonable and that YOU have CLEARLY communicated it while the other person has LISTENED and UNDERSTOOD.

 

If not you are being unfair to both of you.

[Lexygirl]

So sick of feeling alone and lonely

[willowthewisp]

So sick of feeling alone and lonely

 

Lexy, why are you feeling alone and lonely? What's going on? Your husband is at home with you, why are you lonely?

[Lexygirl]

Yes, he is here....

[dreamingoftigers]

So sick of feeling alone and lonely

 

Try doing something else then what you are doing! It clearly isn't working for you, right? Are you giving up all control of your happiness to something that isn't working?

 

I know I am, stupid eh? TRY EVEN SOME OF THE MORE WARPED ADVICE ON HERE. Do something different....

[Lexygirl]

While you guys are sitting there you should tell him all of the times you cheated on him. That would give you guys something to talk about regarding the marriage.

 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!

Like a broken record

 

Whatever

Edited February 28, 2011 by Lexygirl

[dreamingoftigers]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!

Like a broken record

 

Whatever

 

You constantly sharing your obvious disdain for your H's attitude and not choosing to do something different about it, and then sharing more and more and more disappointment without doing anything to actually change it and sticking with those changes long enough to create a different result is just like a broken record.

 

Going round and round and round with the same old sad line about how he doesn't appreciate you and you just keep yakking at him about how disappointed, sad and lonely you are.

 

Has that worked for you yet? Has being emotionally overreactive with no real goal in mind worked for you yet?

 

Have you gotten what you wanted? Or is what you want to be endlessly disappointed so that you can just emotionally vent on everything around you to feel temporarily relieved of any responsibility?

 

I try not to make a habit of shaming anyone on loveshack or wringing them out because clearly most posters are in pain, including myself. But: there comes a point where you decide to languish in it and accept it, or you take responsibility for it and try different options to fix it.

 

Which is it Lexygirl? Are you going to accept the pain and live with it and focus on other things to make yourself happy? Or are you going to try something different to change your relationship with your husband?

 

Not how do you feel. You and everyone on here knows that bit of information. But what are you going to do with that information now? Your husband is not responsible for how you feel or what to do with that information: YOU ARE.

 

For the last time, now that you know you feel "sad and lonely" what are YOU going to DO to change it?

 

Some ideas:

Make some new friends (platonic)

Volunteer

Accept it and meditate about how to become strong enough to desk with it.

 

Try to just change one thing. One little thing for one month and see how it goes.

[Lexygirl]

You constantly sharing your obvious disdain for your H's attitude and not choosing to do something different about it, and then sharing more and more and more disappointment without doing anything to actually change it and sticking with those changes long enough to create a different result is just like a broken record.

 

Going round and round and round with the same old sad line about how he doesn't appreciate you and you just keep yakking at him about how disappointed, sad and lonely you are.

 

Has that worked for you yet? Has being emotionally overreactive with no real goal in mind worked for you yet?

 

Have you gotten what you wanted? Or is what you want to be endlessly disappointed so that you can just emotionally vent on everything around you to feel temporarily relieved of any responsibility?

 

I try not to make a habit of shaming anyone on loveshack or wringing them out because clearly most posters are in pain, including myself. But: there comes a point where you decide to languish in it and accept it, or you take responsibility for it and try different options to fix it.

 

Which is it Lexygirl? Are you going to accept the pain and live with it and focus on other things to make yourself happy? Or are you going to try something different to change your relationship with your husband?

 

Not how do you feel. You and everyone on here knows that bit of information. But what are you going to do with that information now? Your husband is not responsible for how you feel or what to do with that information: YOU ARE.

 

For the last time, now that you know you feel "sad and lonely" what are YOU going to DO to change it?

 

Some ideas:

Make some new friends (platonic)

Volunteer

Accept it and meditate about how to become strong enough to desk with it.

 

Try to just change one thing. One little thing for one month and see how it goes.

 

Hmmmm didn't realize this forum had rules such as "Not allowed to vent without making huge changes in a very short period of time so that other posters don't get annoyed"

 

BTW, I do not yak at my husband at how disappointed, sad and lonely I am... No idea where you got that from and I don't make him responsible for things that are not caused by him. I am upset that we our marriage lacks many things.

 

Yes, I am making slow changes in my life for your information.

 

I thought this was a support forum... but it is just becoming more and more apparent that minus a few caring souls, all it is is a place for hurt ppl to dump on others who come here to get support and be heard...

Well I will no longer be one of the dumpees !

 

I'm out.

[BlindRage]

hmm:confused:

[willowthewisp]

Hmmmm didn't realize this forum had rules such as "Not allowed to vent without making huge changes in a very short period of time so that other posters don't get annoyed"

 

BTW, I do not yak at my husband at how disappointed, sad and lonely I am... No idea where you got that from and I don't make him responsible for things that are not caused by him. I am upset that we our marriage lacks many things.

 

Yes, I am making slow changes in my life for your information.

 

I thought this was a support forum... but it is just becoming more and more apparent that minus a few caring souls, all it is is a place for hurt ppl to dump on others who come here to get support and be heard...

Well I will no longer be one of the dumpees !

 

I'm out.

 

Lexy, if you are still around and reading, peope here are trying to help and be supportive. You have a choice, you can do something about your marriage if you and H are willing. Are you two in MC?

[Lexygirl]

To answer your question, WTW, yes we have been to MC a few times a few months ago.

 

UPDATE:

 

This past weekend, my husband and I went out and we had a long talk at dinner. I honestly didn't know which direction the conversation was going to go and either did he. In the end we both agreed to give our marriage 100% for the next 3 months and hopefully we can reconnect enough to truly be 'in love' again. I honestly have had my walls up lately and this talk helped me start to bring them down.

 

During our talk, we made some ground rules.

One of them was for me not to talk to any other men including male friends (I made that one up)

 

Here are the other rules we made up:

Go to bed at the same time each night;

Kiss each other goodnight each night;

When he goes out to the barn, he needs to let me know he's going out instead of just disappearing.

Those were the main ones really.

 

I'm still just as confused as ever but at least I feel like we are giving it our all. It's been so draining and painful for both of us.

 

Anyway, I just thought I would update in case anyone was wondering.

 

Take care.

Lexy

[dreamingoftigers]

I was wondering.

 

Just some small changes that you hold to can make things a little better. You just have to make sure that you hold to them and enforce your boundaries.

 

Once you do one small change you both can open a little door to trust each other's intentions.

[Lexygirl]

I'm trying. I'm exhausted from all of this... things used to be so easy. WE used to be so easy. Now my mind never shuts up for one minute :'(

[Lexygirl]

BTW, thank you for caring DOT..... Hope your situation is steadily improving.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm trying. I'm exhausted from all of this... things used to be so easy. WE used to be so easy. Now my mind never shuts up for one minute :'(

 

I know, it takes so much work and energy at first, but it does pay in dividends, you just really have to hold to it and not nag and stuff. (Nagging is such a girl impulse).

 

I have discovered a few things that work with my husband and things are sssllllloooowwwwlllllyyyyy improving.

 

My patience is wearing thin, but I am pretty steadfast too.

 

A hard thing to do when you do see change is give credit where credit is due. That step is just as important as the changes.

 

Thanks for the support.

[dreamingoftigers]

And oh gosh my husband and I used to be so easy..... guess you pay for it with interest later!

[believeme]

I am so happy to have found this forum. I hope maybe for some input cus I am seriously going insane.

 

I've been married for 18 years. We have 2 kids. Daughter is almost 12 and our son is 16.

We have gotten along together fairly well I would say for the most part. SEx has basically sucked but sometimes life is about a trade off I guess.

The passion is non existent.

 

Anytime something in life has come up that is pretty stressful, I usually deal with it myself and we move along. BUT......

 

Over two years ago something very traumatic happened in our family (which I prefer not to disclose at this time) and well for the first week we leaned on each other a bit but after that he internalized everything and checked out his way and I checked out in mine (internet, wine) BUT I went to a therapist and worked hard to get through it - he did not. Our relationship has been a total disconnect. We never communicate on a deep level but never fight (wish we would)

Anyway, fast forward to present....

For the past 6 months, I had started to really crave real passion and sex in my life. So as one of my last attempts at helping our relationship, I used my sexual energy towards him and to no avail. He just didn't have the desire anyway.

Then I came to realize it doesn't matter anyway, I don't want him in that way if at all.

At the beginning of September, I decided to move out. I moved out for 2 months... Something had to give and his neglect and complacent ways had to stop.

Yes there were other men. He knows of one. The sad thing is, I never felt a bit guilty and I think it's because it was only about the sex.

 

I moved back in last weekend because I miss my kids and the countryside.

 

BUT even though he has been trying to do anything he can to make me happy and I have been pleasant, I see things way too clearly...... I don't want him near me. I feel like he is my brother. It makes me sick when he touches me. I care about him alot and this is killing me. I feel like a failure. I cry daily because all I do is try to figure this all out and I can't. I can't figure out how to be in love with him or how I can make myself want him sexually.

We have this house and financially a break up will basically make us start the mortgage all over again. Also, most importantly my kids are precious victims in all of this hell. I just feel like I am an evil, nasty person but I honestly just want to be happy and I know he deserves to be happy and fulfilled too.

If you have read all of this to this point, I really appreciate it and..

Please, any input would help.

Lexy

Hi LexyGirl.

One thing that helped me was to get free advice on how to let go. Seriously, it may be helpful for you. There is a place you can go to get free advice specifically for your kind of problem. Its called the Letting Go Cafe dot com.

[Lexygirl]

Understood. Being outspoken, assertive, and a person of action; suppressing all of that natural tendency was very difficult. It took a lot of energy. With age, I find peace within and don't have to suppress all that much.

 

Being different genders (or whatever the term happens to be nowadays) the similarities drop away on the feelings end of the situation. I felt as a 'protector' of not only the children so I must say I still love my xW in some unidentifiable way today; but I certainly don't like her. On the other hand, she related at times that she couldn't stand me (similar to what you posted in relation to your H). However, she always asked me to save her from herself so it was a difficult position in which for me to be.

 

Trying to imagine things from the POV of a woman, using the feeble amount of information I could even possibly have: I'm not sure I could have stayed *except* that I had the 'protector' role. I'm not sure how the dynamics would play out on the other side. I tried extremely hard during the marriage to view things from her perspective but never felt I really got it.

 

My views on romantic love and enduring love, i.e. chemical and choice, played a significant role too. Presumably, if one were to base everything off of romantic love then staying probably wouldn't be sustainable.

 

After reading what I just wrote, I guess my love for her is similar to that for my children, a choice. She is pretty much family, albeit self exiled, not dissimilar to your depiction of your H as like a brother. When I viewed things as romantic love (wife) is when I argued with her the most. Conversely, when I viewed her as family, I rarely argued. Tried it just now and same reaction: If I think of her as my xW, there is a tangle of emotions. If I think of her as the mother of our children, I primarily wish her well and no real negative feelings about her.

 

Maybe if you stop trying to view him as a husband (romantic - gets frustrating) and continue to view him as family (father of children - choice of loving behavior) it might get some traction for you? It might at least buy you some time in a pinch!

 

Wow, FreeNow, I was just rereading some of my old thread here and alot of what you say makes so much sense... especially the part about just letting myself love him as a family member.

I'm sorry that I didn't thank you for your input earlier. Hope all is well with you.

Thanks again.

Lexy