Need some input

[Lexygirl]

Thank you YGG

We decided to stay in cus we both feel kinda yucky today.

We got take-out food and we are gonna watch the movie The Terminal tonight. lol

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future but taking it one day at a time is about all we can do.

[What_Next]

I am so happy to see you come here to LS Lexy to ask for help. What; just so everyone is aware Lexy and I are friends. We met through another website and have become good friends.

 

Lexy if I could offer one piece of advice it would be LISTEN to what is said here on LS. There are a lot of wise people here.

 

With any luck both of our marriages can be saved.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you YGG

We decided to stay in cus we both feel kinda yucky today.

We got take-out food and we are gonna watch the movie The Terminal tonight. lol

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future but taking it one day at a time is about all we can do.

 

Well sorry to tell you but your night in is going to be a dismal failure, that movie really sucked.

[eamherst14051]

Oh please, I haven't seen it yet!!

[Lexygirl]

LOL well better than starin at the walls I guess

 

Thanks for the welcome, my friend (What_Next)

I do appreciate the input I've received thus far.

[Lexygirl]

I really need to know how to stop feeling so cold toward him.

I don't know what to do any more to make myself warm up. I just don't know

[You Go Girl]

I really need to know how to stop feeling so cold toward him.

I don't know what to do any more to make myself warm up. I just don't know

 

You're at a critical point in your marriage. I don't think you should sit back and be a 'good girl' nor be an acting out 'bad girl'.

What perhaps you need is to find a meeting of the minds on any issue, small or large, without a battle of wills, disrespect, and the rest of the muck.

So approach things thoughtfully, calmly, and with purpose.

 

Then there also has to be payoffs for trying. Recognizing each good moment, and taking notes on both the good and bad moments, are ways to start to figure out exactly what is going on. I think you haven't done this type of inventory and feel a little lost?

[Lexygirl]

That is amazing advice YGG..

Thank you.

I will certainly try that.

We had a long talk this morning.

I cried so much.

I don't know if anything got a accomplished but we talked on a deeper level and that was nice.

Still not sure where we are heading but it's a start I guess.

[You Go Girl]

That is amazing advice YGG..

Thank you.

I will certainly try that.

We had a long talk this morning.

I cried so much.

I don't know if anything got a accomplished but we talked on a deeper level and that was nice.

Still not sure where we are heading but it's a start I guess.

 

To understand the dynamics of what is between the two of you, perhaps you should start taking notes. Write down the highlights of today's talk. Anything that is vague or confusing is a good point to examine more closely.

Write down the positives of your discussion to remind yourself there is hope for you as a potential success story.

Write down any negatives--and examine why they were negative.

Write down what exactly made you cry. Understanding your own feelings more deeply is key.

Write down what, if anything, you felt was left unresolved.

Write down what, if anything, seemed to be avoided. Then ponder why you, or he, avoided that particular thing. Then ask yourself the tough questions as to your avoidance or diversion tactics. Then ask him next time you have a heart to heart, on anything you are unclear of, or that you felt he was avoiding.

Examine your own behavior and apologize where appropriate.

And most of all, realize that progress was made by having a discussion. Give each of you credit for that.

Visit marriagebuilders site and also google "love bank".

[Lexygirl]

Ok WOW... just WOW lol ...

The marriage builders website and the Love Bank thing makes so much sense to me

Thank you so much YGG, from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate your advice and suggestion.

 

We went out today together to run errands and do some shopping.

I wasn't going to because I have chronic pain and I really just wanted to rest at home. I barely felt motivated enough to get out of bed and have a shower. He really wanted me to go with him so he put the heater in the bathroom to make sure it's warm in there (we have an old drafty home with expensive heating). So I got up and got ready and we went out.

 

I felt as though there were still things that needed to be talked about and what better time than when we are driving together alone. Well he didn't roll his eyes or change the subject or trivialize anything. We communicated very well (lots of talking and really listening to each other's point of view)

I can see there has been some misunderstandings on even simple issues since our marriage has been really going down the tubes.

 

Like I say. I don't know how it's all going to turn out but one day at a time is all we can do.

 

I think that I might show him that marriage builders site so he can do some of his own reading.

 

Edited November 7, 2010 by Lexygirl
correction

[HopelessinDTW]

Ok WOW... just WOW lol ...

The marriage builders website and the Love Bank thing makes so much sense to me

Thank you so much YGG, from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate your advice and suggestion.

 

We went out today together to run errands and do some shopping.

I wasn't going to because I have chronic pain and I really just wanted to rest at home. I barely felt motivated enough to get out of bed and have a shower. He really wanted me to go with him so he put the heater in the bathroom to make sure it's warm in there (we have an old drafty home with expensive heating). So I got up and got ready and we went out.

 

I felt as though there were still things that needed to be talked about and what better time than when we are driving together alone. Well he didn't roll his eyes or change the subject or trivialize anything. We communicated very well (lots of talking and really listening to each other's point of view)

I can see there has been some misunderstandings on even simple issues since our marriage has been really going down the tubes.

 

Like I say. I don't know how it's all going to turn out but one day at a time is all we can do.

 

I think that I might show him that marriage builders site so he can do some of his own reading.

 

 

Amazing...you went from loathing, anf feeling discusted when he touched you before this weekend, to where you are now! And all it took was frank and honest conversation between the both of you. Many here would give up there limbs so that their stbx would do the same. Keep it up, and like we all have said try your best to save what you have, and what he means to you. Deep inside I'll bet that you can re-ignite the love you have for him. It sounds like he's doing all he can, and you're giving each other a chance...whatever the outcome you can know that your doing the honorable thing.

[Lexygirl]

Thank you DTW.

We shall see.

[Lexygirl]

Ugh !

What's wrong with me?

I was kinda bitchy from the moment he got home from work tonight

I was very distant and standoffish and didn't feel like being anything but.

Grrrrr ! Maybe it really is over.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh !

What's wrong with me?

I was kinda bitchy from the moment he got home from work tonight

I was very distant and standoffish and didn't feel like being anything but.

Grrrrr ! Maybe it really is over.

 

Feelings creating behaviour will only have you working backwards.

 

Use more positive behaviours and do not give your feelings the licence to take over. Stick to the positive.

 

Just because you feel kinda bitchy is not an indicator that your relationship needs to end, it means you have an issue that needs to be dealt with. Ending your relationship will not end the issue, it just gives you a little time away from it.

 

Quit shooting yourself in the foot because you are upset.

 

I raged at my husband tonight, doesn't mean it's over, means we have some **** to work out.

[HopelessinDTW]

Feelings creating behaviour will only have you working backwards.

 

Use more positive behaviours and do not give your feelings the licence to take over. Stick to the positive.

 

Just because you feel kinda bitchy is not an indicator that your relationship needs to end, it means you have an issue that needs to be dealt with. Ending your relationship will not end the issue, it just gives you a little time away from it.

 

Quit shooting yourself in the foot because you are upset.

 

I raged at my husband tonight, doesn't mean it's over, means we have some **** to work out.

 

I really like your logical thinking dreamingoftigers...why don't more women possess this? I think many women let their emotions at the moment take over their long term view on things...no wonder women file for divorce more than men.

[Lexygirl]

If I'm suddenly grumpy just as he comes home, that indicates to me that there is something seriously wrong with our relationship.

 

I think about us constantly and try to figure this all out....

I do know where it started to go bad. Back when he used to go out to the barn every night just after he came home from work. Every night I was left in here alone.

Marriage is about being together.

I think that there is just so much deep resentment and the wall is so big, there is nothing left but past memories and pity.

 

Hope I'm making sense.

 

Today I went for a drive and wanted to just keep driving and never come home so I wouldn't have to face him and all the pain but I can't do that... I have two lovely children who need me.

 

He came home from work and always expects me to have this huge grin on my face like everything is just perfect now. Well I am not fake and I'm not gonna pretend. So he gets mad and makes me feel guilty.

 

Ugh helpppppppppppp

[dreamingoftigers]

If I'm suddenly grumpy just as he comes home, that indicates to me that there is something seriously wrong with our relationship.

 

It indicates that you feel strongly about what you have to deal with, not necessarily that your relationship is over!

 

I think about us constantly and try to figure this all out....

I do know where it started to go bad. Back when he used to go out to the barn every night just after he came home from work. Every night I was left in here alone.

Marriage is about being together.

I think that there is just so much deep resentment and the wall is so big, there is nothing left but past memories and pity.

 

Hope I'm making sense.

 

Today I went for a drive and wanted to just keep driving and never come home so I wouldn't have to face him and all the pain but I can't do that... I have two lovely children who need me.

 

I have been there and you need to work against that, what will that really do? You left home and went back because away from home, even with the new guys etc wasn't any better right?

 

The grass really isn't greener, it is just different ****ing grass.

 

He came home from work and always expects me to have this huge grin on my face like everything is just perfect now. (Why not greet him with the expectation of something positive? Not to guilt you, but if you lay in wait of the negative, it will find you, it always does) One thing I have read is to behave as though your husband is acting in a loving manner, you will feel better about yourself and he will feel more accepted. Well I am not fake and I'm not gonna pretend. So he gets mad and makes me feel guilty. (

 

Ugh helpppppppppppp

 

Alright Lexy, it is smack upside the head time! <----See that face, that is the mad face! And you being mopey and using feeling-brain to guide thinking-brain instead of using thinking-brain to guide feeling brain is going to see a lot more of these: :mad:

 

I have been there, puddling myself in with the resent and misery. Guess where that leads: resent and self-pity by yourself.

 

Hey I get it, I really, really do. It feels crappy, therefore you feel like crap. But if you are unable to get yourself to feel joy and hope and be grateful for the fact that you have a family (including a husband who at this point is willing to play ball) then he can't give that to you either!

 

What have you been putting into this relationship that you can expect to take out of it. If you are grumpy right at the door, is he supposed to be happy and charming? Are those few seconds setting you up for an evening of disappointment? I think so.

 

You are the one completely in control of your behaviour and you choose what road your thoughts want to travel. If you are depressed and unable to stop the flood of negative, depressing thoughts there are cognitive and pharmaceutical changes you can make. If you cannot be optimistic about your future, it does not matter where you go or what you do, you may feel free for a little bit, but in the end you are in a cage of your own making!

 

I am married to a spouse that has shown me that he is as dedicated as he feels. Unfortunately your feelings are not always going to jive with reality, do you love your bills? I sure don't and guess what, if I pay them I get to keep the lights on, if I don't it is less rewarding then the $80 I get to save.

 

Well Lexy, marriage and committment are not a protection against being bitter and resentful, the point is to have something rewarding in the long run. Pay the upfront fee by doing what you can to make your marriage a happier place for both you and your mate, don't punish him by withholding joy (something tells me that that has happened to you).

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP A BETTER PLACE? ARE YOU EVEN ACTUALLY COMMITTED INTO IT? IT REALLY, REALLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT. WHY ARE YOU WAITING FOR HIM TO MAKE THE CHANGES FOR YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU KICKING YOUR OWN ASS?

 

Moreso it seems that you aren't happy away from home and you are not happy at home, does that not tell you that you aren't happy? Meditate on being happy, find our what happy looks like to you and write it down, see what you need to get from being to .

 

Good luck (and remember ---><---)

[You Go Girl]

I do know where it started to go bad. Back when he used to go out to the barn every night just after he came home from work. Every night I was left in here alone.

Marriage is about being together.

I think that there is just so much deep resentment and the wall is so big, there is nothing left but past memories and pity.

 

 

Alright, if this is your starting point, then let's start here. Sounds like it is, with the statement he used to go to the barn every night and left you alone.

How long did this go on for?

What did you do to try to change it?

I assume now he doesn't go to the barn but comes home and is there for you?

So I get this. Now he's being mr. nice guy because he thought he had lost you, and now he has you back, and now he's being appreciative of your existance when before he wasn't.

So you are still angry over the past. His acting like everything is fine bothers you, because you don't get why he didn't show you appreciation before, when it all started, and you sure don't get what has changed in him now.

That, I think is key. You don't understand why he isn't going to the barn NOW. And it bugs you.

This is about forming a new relationship with him, because the old one didn't work.

You became COMFORTABLE with him going to the barn!

Now you're UNCOMFORTABLE because he's not going to the barn!

 

Well this is how working on a marriage feels. Not everything is going to be comfortable. Would you rather he went back to the barn? If so, you are also uncomfortable with intimacy with him. You became used to such a lack of intimacy, that being together is now irritating you.

 

This is key: Don't just be in each other's presence. Him not going to the barn and hanging around you isn't enough. It's not about being in the same room togther.

It's about relating to each other, and right now, you're not doing that.

So what can YOU DO to relate better to him?

 

You have to put yourself in each other's shoes. Try going to work all day and coming home to a frowning grumpy wife. Would you want to go the barn? Just something to ponder.

You have to make an effort here, Lexy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Alright, if this is your starting point, then let's start here. Sounds like it is, with the statement he used to go to the barn every night and left you alone.

How long did this go on for?

What did you do to try to change it?

I assume now he doesn't go to the barn but comes home and is there for you?

So I get this. Now he's being mr. nice guy because he thought he had lost you, and now he has you back, and now he's being appreciative of your existance when before he wasn't.

So you are still angry over the past. His acting like everything is fine bothers you, because you don't get why he didn't show you appreciation before, when it all started, and you sure don't get what has changed in him now.

That, I think is key. You don't understand why he isn't going to the barn NOW. And it bugs you.

This is about forming a new relationship with him, because the old one didn't work.

You became COMFORTABLE with him going to the barn!

Now you're UNCOMFORTABLE because he's not going to the barn!

 

Well this is how working on a marriage feels. Not everything is going to be comfortable. Would you rather he went back to the barn? If so, you are also uncomfortable with intimacy with him. You became used to such a lack of intimacy, that being together is now irritating you.

 

This is key: Don't just be in each other's presence. Him not going to the barn and hanging around you isn't enough. It's not about being in the same room togther.

It's about relating to each other, and right now, you're not doing that.

So what can YOU DO to relate better to him?

 

You have to put yourself in each other's shoes. Try going to work all day and coming home to a frowning grumpy wife. Would you want to go the barn? Just something to ponder.

You have to make an effort here, Lexy.

 

Or, you get a

[Lexygirl]

Thank you ladies.

Makes sense.

LOL @

[Lexygirl]

I'm seriously still confused....

Yesterday in the day, I kept thinking about things I could do for him and I felt good but then...

He sat near me last night and any touch was like touching burned skin and made me feel sick

Also, we still sleep together in the same bed (because there is no where else for me to sleep) and I cringe any time I think he's going to want sex cus I am running out of excuses. I don't want to hurt him but I can't do this. I'm not a fake person.

THEN I had sex dreams about him! WTF?

I know I love what we used to have many, many years ago. I love some of who he is but I feel like I'm betraying myself when he touches me. IDK

Edited November 11, 2010 by Lexygirl
addition

[iheartboobs]

Have you ever considered therapy or counseling?

[Lexygirl]

I've been to individual therapy and we have been to a marriage counsellor together a few times.

[iheartboobs]

What did the therapist say?

 

I'm no expert, and I could be way off base, but your behavior doesn't strike me as normal or healthy. It doesn't seem right to me to regularly move so quickly from one extreme to the other regarding your feelings towards your husband... I get that you're confused, but there's confused, and then there's confused, and then there's what you're feeling.

[Lexygirl]

I think the following is where my confusion comes from:

 

The deep feelings aren't there anymore nor the attraction.

It's not like a drastic love/hate thing but the disconnection that's happened over the past few years have caused a rift that I really don't feel can be repaired. I do care but I care like a sister. It's very upsetting if we split up, I would be giving up my brother BUT if I stay with him, it's not fair to him.