Need some input

[iheartboobs]

I don't know, it doesn't really sound like you love him at all. While I sure as hell don't want to have sex with my sister, I don't really feel sick whenever she touches me either. That's a problem and, you're right, it really isn't fair to him.

 

If your husband had come on the forums, explaining the situation like you did, and asked for advice, I'd have told him to leave you because you're not worth loving. I have no sympathy for cheaters. As it is, you've come here instead, you've done horrible and (in my mind) unforgivable things and I believe there's no longer any chance for trust between you. I think this marriage is dead and the two of you are just "Weekend at Bernie's"-ing it around, unwilling to accept that fact.

 

It's clear you don't want him as a wife should want a husband, and you don't love him like a wife should love her husband. I don't think you really love him at all... I believe you feel guilty, and I believe you feel something for him, but I don't think it's love. You really should respect him enough to come clean about everything and tell him exactly how you feel (well, as far as you know how you feel, anyway). This trying to make it work, but then not, but then wanting to make him happy, but then hating to be in the room with him, etc. isn't good for either of you, and isn't doing him any favors.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you considered EMDR therapy because I can relate to having those feelings prior to that therapy.

 

I think it is the brain's way of trying to protect itself against hurt, even long after the threat is over. You can resolve them with therapy that deals with intense emotions like that, it helps to take the walls down that don't need to be up anymore.

 

As well, oddly enough, you may be apprehensive about getting into bed with him, probably because you would feel more for him after the fact and you know this.

[Lexygirl]

I'm just not into having sex when I don't want to.

[scatterd]

Hi lexy I have been married close to eighteen years My husband and I had problems with the same things I also suffer with chronic pain.I dont know if he has ever pushed you away sexually but mine did and it hurt so bad I gave up trying.It seems to me you both are caught up in a rut and having chronic pain is not easy to deal with on both of you.Some how you need to

explaine to him how hard things are on a daily bases and you do not feel good about how things are going.When woman do not get emotional feelings met it does add to the bedroom.Its hard to be at home in pain everyday and then when hes doing his own thing its lonely.I dont know if im right but I do understand your feelings.Sit him down and be honest about your needs,I wish you the best it takes work to be married and keep

trying 18 yrs is a long time.

[iheartboobs]

I'm just not into having sex when I don't want to.

 

 

Yeah, but do you not want to have sex, or do you not want to have sex with your husband?

 

There's kind of a very important distinction there... and, from your posts, it sounds like the latter.

[Lexygirl]

Scattered, my chronic pain isn't, in and of itself, the reason I don't want to be with my husband. But emotionally unavailable - yes he has been. Did he push me away all last summer when I came onto him - YES.

As far as me sitting him down and honestly talking to him about my feelings - I do that alot lately. He knows how I feel --- or don't feel.

Thank you for your input. I hope your marriage is doing well.

[Lexygirl]

Yeah, but do you not want to have sex, or do you not want to have sex with your husband?

 

There's kind of a very important distinction there... and, from your posts, it sounds like the latter.

 

I really don't know actually because I am not with anyone else right now.

[You Go Girl]

I really don't know actually because I am not with anyone else right now.

 

Have you been with your H sexually since you had all those affairs?

 

Secondly, maybe you should imagine having sex with him and masturbate. Maybe if you imagined it good with him, you might remember the stuff that was good.

Retraining your mind to think of him sexually after having been out of the marriage.

[Lexygirl]

Ewwww Gross

[iheartboobs]

Ewwww Gross

 

 

I agree. I wouldn't want to think about your husband while masterbating, either.

[goingstrong]

I agree. I wouldn't want to think about your husband while masterbating, either.

 

 

Why? You must think about your husband instead.

[iheartboobs]

 

No husband for me. Though, relationships sure would be easier if I were gay... at least I'd have some idea of how the other person thought.

[goingstrong]

 

No husband for me. Though, relationships sure would be easier if I were gay... .

Yea I knew that since I don't think a woman would have a I luv boobs moniker.,,,even though on LS it is possible.

[iheartboobs]

Ah, but even if I were a woman, if I "hearted" boobs enough to make it my username, chances are I wouldn't be thinking of a dude while diddlin myself...

 

Anywho, back to the topic.

 

Lexy, if you find even thinking about your husband while touching yourself repulsive, then I'm not seeing a whole lot of hope for you two.

[Lexygirl]

Yep agreed

[dreamingoftigers]

I would definitely get back to IC if I were you.

[Lexygirl]

Just because I have fallen out of love with my husband and I don't feel like having sex with him because we are more like brother and sister, doesn't mean I need IC thanks.

Edited November 19, 2010 by Lexygirl
.........

[FreeNow]

Unless you want to repeat that pattern in the future... IC is probably a good idea.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just because I have fallen out of love with my husband and I don't feel like having sex with him because we are more like brother and sister, doesn't mean I need IC thanks.

 

I would say that being confused about being home after having left for awhile and then having a short series of affairs would be reason to want to find a professional to help you sort out your feelings in the most logical and methodical way. Me personally, I tend to believe that if you are in a dysfunctional relationship with someone else, you are in one with yourself. I define a dysfunctional relationship as one where everyone involved in it does not get their needs met. You are clearly not getting your needs met and neither is your husband. You aren't happy but seem frozen in what to do. None of your friends may have had enough experience with someone like this to help you deal it, so I suggested a counselor.

[You Go Girl]

Lexy,

 

You are a very stubborn person! I am too. We share that. Sometimes stubbornness is something to be proud of. It all depends on how we use that trait.

 

And when I'm feeling stubborn, the last thing I do is listen to what anybody else says. I get it....

"The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the life too closely examined may not be lived at all" -Mark Twain

 

So...counseling is for YOU. It's not for him. It's doing something for yourself. Take the above quote, and live life somewhere inbetween those two extremes.

Don't be the unexamined life. Think of it as doing something for yourself--expanding knowledge of YOU.

None of us knows ourself like we like to think we do...and it's such a surprise everytime we learn something about ourselves.

The consensus here here is that you don't know why you are doing what you are doing--leaving, coming back, a little lost, else you would have either left and stayed left, or never left.

So explore why you left and came back.

Do you want to grow, or just stay stubborn!

[Lexygirl]

Last night he was very upset because I was distant and cold and he was frustrated. I will not pretend to feel something that I don't and last night I really came to realize once and for all that I don't enjoy spending time with him at all - in any way.

He has always been very negative, very selfish and judgmental when it comes to society in general. I hate watching tv with him or movies or anything. He's always got some angry, annoying crack to make and it wears on me.... It makes my optimistic soul cower in the corner. I hate it. I also did not feel like sitting near him, kissing him, hugging him or anything even close.

 

The following is basically in response to the ppl who have generously taken time out to post to me and anyone else who wants to read:

 

I've lived, I've been in individual therapy, I've learned, I've grieved. I know myself better than many ppl know themselves and have much insight. What I really have come to realize, most of all, is that I don't like myself when I'm with him. I don't want to be his wife anymore. I'm miserable when he looks at me, talks to me or comes near me.

 

I have looked at this from all angles and acted out every scenerio that might change my feelings for him and to no avail. The only time that I'm happy is when he's away from me. That is the bottom line. It is what it is.

 

So where does that leave us when we have two amazing kids here?

I want so much just to ask him if we can just try to be civil together here in this house until these kids are grown up and then go our separate ways. This will also be advantageous financially as well.

In the meantime, if he meets someone who makes him happy or if I do (I'm not looking now), we can try to come to terms with what that means. I guess this is what you call an open marriage. I know most of you are frowning as you read this thinking that the kids will be happier if we split up bla bla bla BUT I know as their mother that they will be happier if we do it this way and just hide the fact that we are not really married in every sense of the word. Trust me, things won't seem any different to these kids. In fact possibly everyone will be happier in the long run. I think the hardest thing for my husband is the not knowing right now.

 

Anyway, post away if you feel like it.

Thanks for reading

Edited November 21, 2010 by Lexygirl
..

[pdxdad123]

What a tough crowd!

 

Lexygirl, for what it's worth.... I have a marriage that is very similar to yours - wife is depressed, sex life is nonexistent, we see each other as brother/sister at best, etc. etc. I know your shoes. I've stayed for the sake of my child thinking he wouldn't notice, it's best for him to have a stable family etc. etc. the usual reasons. BUT there comes a time when the children start noticing that Mom and Dad sleep in separate beds, that Mom and Dad never touch, and they start to internalize this as what a normal relationship should be. That's the time to leave, because at that point staying is more harmful than leaving, and your precious life is slipping away.

 

that's where I am... it's time for me to go. If I had to do it over again I'd be more explicit with my wife that this was our arrangement (which seems to be your quandary). But I'd also caution you not to stay longer than needed... are you SURE that the kids are not just happier but that they are getting the right role model for a strong relationship?

 

My two cents.

[Lexygirl]

Thank you for your post, Pdxdad.

It's a difficult situation. I feel for all of you.

How long have you been married?

 

This has been a long struggle it seems.

 

I just wish I could have seen into the future years ago and we could have maybe done some things that could have kept the flame burning. It has to be tended to or it goes out. Sigh.. HIndsight is 20/20.

 

This is my update:

 

Sunday I finally sat my husband down and talked to him about how things still aren't right and I asked him about living here under the same roof until the kids grow up instead of living in separate houses. This would help financially too. He agreed. He said yes that means we are separated and we would get some paperwork set up and that we can see other ppl but he said he really doesn't think he can do that.

Now, this is where my turning point began and I'll point out the reasons:

 

 

He became emotional for once when we were having our talk on Sunday.

So did I but that isn't unusual. It IS Unusual for him to --- very. This spoke volumes.

Also, when we were talking about the fact that we could date, he said to me that he worries so much about some guy hurting me and that if anyone ever hurt me (physically I'm assuming) he would kill them. He said it really upsets him not knowing if I'm safe or not. WOW just WOW. This is just unbelievable love.

Also, even though he has basically given me permission to date, I have no desire to do that. It's actually the last thing on my mind. HE is on my mind. This is huge !

 

I gotta say that a big part of my coldness and anger lately has come from feeling like he was being nice just to win me back and it was almost a facade. I really have a big hatred for fakeness.

BUT he changed that notion the past two days because he is being kind and he even did the dishes the past two nights even knowing that we are technically separated. That also spoke volumes.

 

Yesterday I cried alot and I know that a big part of it is because I've come to realize that I know I do love him but the physical part is just not happening

I don't know..... Perhaps it will come in time.

 

I bought him a Christmas card yesterday 'To my Dear Husband' and wrote him a long letter telling him my feelings and that I do want to be his wife (if he'll still have me) and give 100%. I am thinking about taking him out Saturday to do some Christmas shopping and out for dinner and give him the card and letter. I'm kind of taking my tme because I don't want to hurt him again - ever and I need to know for sure that this is the right thing.

 

Anyway, that's about it for now.

Thank you for reading.

 

Lexy

[sfranks1492]

Lexi, I'm the last person to give advise. However, I was in a similar situation about 4 years ago. My ex and I had been together for 14yrs. We met when I was 16 and we separated right before my 30th birthday. We had two children together, a house, cars, etc - similar to yourself. He and I had a similar incident that was traumatic (he was unfaithful about 10 times and I was unfaithful 1 time) None the less, this really affected our relationship. After our 2nd child things seems to get better...We simply just started to grow apart. The things we had in common when we first met were not enough to keep things alive as we grew and developed as adults. We were growing in two separate directions and were making each other miserable. We loved and cared for each other deeply, but no matter what we tried we could not make things work. We NEVER though we'd ever be apart. We were engaged at year 6 and still not married at year 14...that tells you something is missing. Intimacy we nonexistent - I simply wasn't happy with my body and this affected our sexual relationship. He never once made me feel unattractive or insecure; it simply was how I felt..so it affected both of us. He eventually had an 8 month affair with our 22yr old nanny (he was 37) because she made him feel sexy, young and vibrant again - things that I wasn't doing for him. I don't blame him at this point for needing that in his life. What I do blame him for is doing it rather than leaving the relationship. I didn't leave for the same reasons: financial stability, the house, the cars, the kids. But in the end, he made the decision to move out. It was very difficult for both of us for about 18months, but it was the best decision we could have made. He is now happily engaged to a wonderful woman that I adore who loves my children and I am happily living with my boyfriend and best friend. We found love after what we thought could never be again. I'm not in your shoes but I know what it feels like to walk in those shoes for 14yrs. We simply had to have the strength to move on. No matter how hard you try, people are who they are and can't be changed. I hope you too find the strength to move on. Good luck.

[pdxdad123]

Thank you for your post, Pdxdad.

It's a difficult situation. I feel for all of you.

How long have you been married?

 

18 years, 12 of which were without passion/love/etc.

 

What an interesting development in your situation... I hope it takes you nice places!

 

I'm planning on having 'the talk' next week... I don't think it will go where yours did (and I don't want it to, frankly .