Need some input

[Lexygirl]

sfranks, wow I'm happy for you that in the end it all worked out for all of you Thank you for posting !

 

pdxdad, you have been married the same number of years as we have. Our marriage counsellor said to us "What is it with that 18 year mark?" lol

Apparently there are alot of couples at that point coming in there.

I still am not sure what the heck to do because something is still inside me nagging me to just wait for a bit to see how things go before I give him that letter. Sometimes love just isn't enough. You have to be compatible and this is what I'm struggling with. We really ARE two different ppl.

 

* sigh *

[FreeNow]

they will be happier if we do it this way and just hide the fact that we are not really married in every sense of the word. Trust me, things won't seem any different to these kids. In fact possibly everyone will be happier in the long run. I think the hardest thing for my husband is the not knowing right now.

 

100% thumbs up!

 

Although, (no judgment intended here) I chose to remain unencumbered by outside emotional or sexual interests and provided sexual companionship whenever my wife wanted. This worked incredibly well for our children.

 

Kudos on your dedication to those little ones.

 

 

{ I haven't read any other replies yet so... }

[Lexygirl]

THank you FreeNow.

[Lexygirl]

I'm really sad and fed up.

I don't think I can spend another day with him let alone until the kids move out

Then all I want to do is be here for my kids.

[FreeNow]

(Our stories are very different, however, I believe the concept of trying to stay in a marriage for the children is universal enough.)

 

Tough road... I went into IC primarily to figure out how to last in the marriage until the children were grown. Eventually, xW left yet again and the older children told me that if I let her back this time that they were gone. They had some pretty good reasons so I divorced her.

 

If it weren't for a good therapist that shared my goals of minimizing any potential damage to the children then I doubt I could have hung in there as long. I didn't see other people or allow any EA type of thing to go on with me. I focused on the family (which 100% included my W) and muddled through as best I could.

 

One thing was perfectly clear; until I made a decision to stay and put that decision to rest completely, I was on a roller coaster at times -- waffling about. Once I dug in my heals and decided, "Come Hell or high water..." then the only thing that changed was that the very people I was trying to protect demanded she not return.

 

Perhaps you might not have it in you to continue in this way? Only you can really answer that, IMHO. Sometimes I would just tell myself things like let 'em have another hour/day/week/month/etc as a family. Putting it off like that helped dull the emotional edge to some situations and I was able to tolerate more. (Not healthy but necessary if I were to achieve my goal.) I don't regret it and sort of feel, given the youngest age, it was right about time (or perhaps a year premature but not as it would have been initially). I'd probably do that part again (hanging in there for the children) given the same situation as the results for the children were positive.

 

No real point to this post, just giving some insight into what happened with me.

[Lexygirl]

Yes, that helps me FreeNow.

Thank you.

I guess the more we are together, the more I think of all the things that I resent. It's like his very present triggers all these mixed feelings inside of me. Feelings that of course I feel like I can't express to him nor care to so it makes me so frustrated. I'm a very assertive, outspoken person and to have to suppress so much is really killing me inside.

So here we are - slowly, silently dying just as before.

The only thing that is 100% right now is my love for my children.

[FreeNow]

Understood. Being outspoken, assertive, and a person of action; suppressing all of that natural tendency was very difficult. It took a lot of energy. With age, I find peace within and don't have to suppress all that much.

 

Being different genders (or whatever the term happens to be nowadays) the similarities drop away on the feelings end of the situation. I felt as a 'protector' of not only the children so I must say I still love my xW in some unidentifiable way today; but I certainly don't like her. On the other hand, she related at times that she couldn't stand me (similar to what you posted in relation to your H). However, she always asked me to save her from herself so it was a difficult position in which for me to be.

 

Trying to imagine things from the POV of a woman, using the feeble amount of information I could even possibly have: I'm not sure I could have stayed *except* that I had the 'protector' role. I'm not sure how the dynamics would play out on the other side. I tried extremely hard during the marriage to view things from her perspective but never felt I really got it.

 

My views on romantic love and enduring love, i.e. chemical and choice, played a significant role too. Presumably, if one were to base everything off of romantic love then staying probably wouldn't be sustainable.

 

After reading what I just wrote, I guess my love for her is similar to that for my children, a choice. She is pretty much family, albeit self exiled, not dissimilar to your depiction of your H as like a brother. When I viewed things as romantic love (wife) is when I argued with her the most. Conversely, when I viewed her as family, I rarely argued. Tried it just now and same reaction: If I think of her as my xW, there is a tangle of emotions. If I think of her as the mother of our children, I primarily wish her well and no real negative feelings about her.

 

Maybe if you stop trying to view him as a husband (romantic - gets frustrating) and continue to view him as family (father of children - choice of loving behavior) it might get some traction for you? It might at least buy you some time in a pinch!

Edited November 30, 2010 by FreeNow
typo

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you thought of divorce busters, they actually do some pretty amazing work.

[Lexygirl]

Thanks you, Dreaming of Tigers... I will look into that

[dreamingoftigers]

I talked to one of their coaches and she really helped me hate my husband less. LOL. I actually kind of like him again. It's pretty simple to do that reflective listening and diffuse him.

[Lexygirl]

Did a bit of Christmas shopping with him tonight and went out for supper together.

I tried to stay open and positive but I really wanted to communicate some things to him that I know have contributed to the breakdown in our marriage even though it is painful to really dig and bring up things. We don't usually talk on a deep level much... thus why we never fight.

 

Anyway, I said that I feel we have been basically just co-existing for a very long time and couples should do things together and have common bonds. I also told him how much I hate our house and I hate how the barn and pond and bush have always basically felt like 'his'... We have been here for 12 years and he has used our property and our barn partly as an escape from me and I resent it all.

 

I also hate the way this house is set up and how old it is. My daughter's room isn't even like a real room. The other rooms are so small and our kitchen cupboards are all painted with old old paint that has been chipping off into our utensils, etc. since the day we moved in but it's way too costly for us to replace them.

I also wanted to tell him how much I would love to have a horse but I have mentioned it a few times before and he just rolls his eyes and says how expensive they are, etc. so I never bothered to mention it tonight. It's just another thing that makes me feel so unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

I told him how sad I always am when he gets up every Saturday morning early to go out there doing God knows what all day long..... I always just wished he'd lay in bed with me for a bit longer and maybe want to hold me, etc. but it's been like this for years

 

I asked him to be open and honest with me while we are talking and tell me things that upset him about me and maybe that he resents, etc. He said he wishes I would offer to do more things for him (he wasn't specific) and that he is tired and fed up with working every day - which I so totally understand.

 

What I really wanted to say here tonight mostly is how saddened I am that him and I have come to this point I am in tears once again. I never thought we'd be in this spot. Years ago we talked about how once the kids leave we would buy a motorhome and travel together. Now I can't even feel close enough to him to hold his hand

 

Idk why I'm even writing this but if you read it, thanks for reading.

 

Lex

[dreamingoftigers]

Did a bit of Christmas shopping with him tonight and went out for supper together.

I tried to stay open and positive but I really wanted to communicate some things to him that I know have contributed to the breakdown in our marriage even though it is painful to really dig and bring up things. We don't usually talk on a deep level much... thus why we never fight.

 

Anyway, I said that I feel we have been basically just co-existing for a very long time and couples should do things together and have common bonds. I also told him how much I hate our house and I hate how the barn and pond and bush have always basically felt like 'his'... We have been here for 12 years and he has used our property and our barn partly as an escape from me and I resent it all.

 

I also hate the way this house is set up and how old it is. My daughter's room isn't even like a real room. The other rooms are so small and our kitchen cupboards are all painted with old old paint that has been chipping off into our utensils, etc. since the day we moved in but it's way too costly for us to replace them.

I also wanted to tell him how much I would love to have a horse but I have mentioned it a few times before and he just rolls his eyes and says how expensive they are, etc. so I never bothered to mention it tonight. It's just another thing that makes me feel so unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

I told him how sad I always am when he gets up every Saturday morning early to go out there doing God knows what all day long..... I always just wished he'd lay in bed with me for a bit longer and maybe want to hold me, etc. but it's been like this for years

 

I asked him to be open and honest with me while we are talking and tell me things that upset him about me and maybe that he resents, etc. He said he wishes I would offer to do more things for him (he wasn't specific) and that he is tired and fed up with working every day - which I so totally understand.

 

What I really wanted to say here tonight mostly is how saddened I am that him and I have come to this point I am in tears once again. I never thought we'd be in this spot. Years ago we talked about how once the kids leave we would buy a motorhome and travel together. Now I can't even feel close enough to him to hold his hand

 

Idk why I'm even writing this but if you read it, thanks for reading.

 

Lex

 

Divorce Remedy, google it.

[imagine]

Lexy while others are recommending sites, please check the articles at marriage builders. This is a place that has helped me in my marriage (no infidelity) MB discusses marriages that are bogged down with boredom -as is yours.

 

The initiator (Dr Harley) has tips to pull things straight. I have been reading there for three years -Thanks to those on this site that recommended it to me initially. Be cautious of the discussion section, there are some folks there that might pull you apart.

[Lexygirl]

Thank you, Dreaming of Tigers and Imagine.

This morning I woke up and told him that I want us to go to open houses and I want us to move. We need to do this together. He seems apprehensive but you can tell he's excited. I also told him about the horse thing hehe.

[robf1971]

Thank you, Dreaming of Tigers and Imagine.

This morning I woke up and told him that I want us to go to open houses and I want us to move. We need to do this together. He seems apprehensive but you can tell he's excited. I also told him about the horse thing hehe.

 

Yeah I second Divorce Busting, they have a web site, it's turned things around for me.

 

Question for you though? Lets say after your conversation your hubby would have said," What an f'ing fool I've been, I love the cr*p out of you, I'm gonna fight for this marriage, were putting the barn up for sale right now and start looking at horses"

 

How would you have felt?

[Lexygirl]

(( All I can picture is living in a home with a nice fireplace and someone holding me. All he can picture in a new place is again............ lots of land and a big separate garage where he can take off to............. I'm so disappointed. I told him tonight that there is really no sense in us moving. It will be the same crap anyway. Now he is all pissy. I don't care. I'm done.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can really hear that you are disappointed and feeling rejected but really your guy is trying here and you are not able to see it. You say that you want to move and he jumps right on the bandwagon. Something tells me that he cannot know what you are hoping for.

 

Oh for cripes sakes Lexy! Make your needs known and respect his boundaries as well!

 

If you want a new exciting place to get held, SAY SO, make it a requirement, tell him that is why you want to move.

 

If he wants some space, why does that have to reflect so poorly on you. If he wants to do anything independent of you, you seem to react really really poorly. When that happens, he wants to be away even more. This conflict runs through my marriage to a lesser degree.

 

You aren't doing anyone any favors, including yourself by waffling back and forth every time you have a mood swing. Just because you have a feeling doesn't mean it is over or everything will be just fine. It means that you have a feeling that you need to take responsibility for. What is it that you want? Do you know? and if you know have you asked your husband for it and is he able to provide it?

 

If your are in a dysfuctional marriage, you also tend to be in a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

[robf1971]

I can really hear that you are disappointed and feeling rejected but really your guy is trying here and you are not able to see it. You say that you want to move and he jumps right on the bandwagon. Something tells me that he cannot know what you are hoping for.

 

.

 

Yep, he's relying on mindreading. Us guy's need it loud and clear...

[bugaha]

I would go as far as to spell it out for your guy.... I'd give my wife anything and everything if she can simply communicate those things to me.

[dreamingoftigers]

First you need to know what you want!

 

Then commit to getting it.

[Lexygirl]

I booked us on a cruise which we went on last weekend.

We were away for a total of 5 days. The first night was a hotel and then 3 day cruise.

I was really, really hoping to rekindle a spark and possibly get some good sex into our marriage. I even took him to a sex shop before we went and got a couple interesting 'helpers'....

 

The result?

UGH !!! I'm so freagin frustrated !!!

We had fun as two 'friends' would :mad:

I had bought some new pretty undies and the first day I put them on and flaunted them for him in the hotel room... As he sat on the other edge of the bed and watched tv mildly amused, he said "Oh they are um nice"

I got so pissed off and just finished getting dressed....

What did I want him to do... you ask?

Come and at least touch them, take a closer look, then kiss me and throw me down on the bed and make love to me like never before.... For goodness sake !! WE WERE ALONE... NO KIDS, NO LIFE CRAP... JUST US

 

Anyway, I tried to just make the best of the whole time we were away but very much still hoping his sex drive would make an appearance......

Like I say we had alot of fun like two friends....

 

The second night we were on the cruise we got really drunk and finally had sex.

That was pretty much it.

On the SUnday, there was a whole day at sea.... We even went to the cabin many different times to either grab something we needed or change clothes, etc..... No sex.... I was getting so frustrated and yet at the same time my desire for him had really diminished and as I've said before I really end up seeing him as a brother or father.... So niether one of us initiated and as usual we just did activities and ate together, etc. as two friends might

 

I stayed in good spirits and was 'all there' because I really, really wanted to make this a good experience but unfortunately in the end all it did was solidify the fact that we have a VERY dysfunctional sex life as a married couple.

In his eyes, going away and having fun meant we were doing better.... ugh !

Since we've been home, I've become distant again.

We have had zero sex.

This morning we woke up and he said to me (half-heartedly and because it's what he though I wanted to hear).... "So when are we going to have sex again?"

I said "We had 5 days"

He said "We have forever"

I said "I honestly don't think I'm attracted to you really"

He said "Well I will change my hair colour, etc"

I said "You don't get it, I think you are a good looking man, it's not about that... it's about the dynamic between us"

He still doesn't get it and I don't think ever will...

He said that he feels inadequate and is still upset over something I said in MC....

I had said that he has sex like he cuts the lawn.....

I'm sorry, that was the truth...

 

Ugh, I had written him a letter last night (haven't given it to him yet) telling him that I really cannot live in a passionless, sexless marriage anymore and that I love him as a friend and hope we can always be friends, etc. but we need to separate for good.

I don't think he would be completely shocked at it and yet I think it will still crush him....

OMG why this hell? I hate it so much. I don't want to hurt him

[dreamingoftigers]

Instead of giving him a laundry list of everything he us doing wrong, try:

 

Thus is what I want:

 

1. You to have done enthusiasm about having sex with me:

Enthusiasm looks like a,b and c. Do it until it feels good and natural.

 

Ask him to lay off of the porn until at least your sex life has normalized, porn really drains away a man's sexual live and attention for his wife, just does.

 

Make a bottom line and stick to it instead of just burning him everytime he makes an effort and you view it as "not good enough."

 

Try acknowledging what he does do for you abc the relationship.

[Soxfaninfl]

I had bought some new pretty undies and the first day I put them on and flaunted them for him in the hotel room... As he sat on the other edge of the bed and watched tv mildly amused, he said "Oh they are um nice"

I got so pissed off and just finished getting dressed....

What did I want him to do... you ask?

Come and at least touch them, take a closer look, then kiss me and throw me down on the bed and make love to me like never before.... For goodness sake !! WE WERE ALONE... NO KIDS, NO LIFE CRAP... JUST US

 

Men like this make me sick. I would take any chance I could get to have sex with my stbxw and be all over her. In my 12 years together, I turned her down once because I fell asleep waiting for her. Hell my wife's body wasn't even very attractive as she was overweight, but I always wanted to have sex with her cause I loved her very much no matter what she looked like.

[willowthewisp]

Lexy, if someone told you that you were inadequate in bed and then tried to initiate sex with you on a cruise would you feel like doing it?

 

Seriously, I understand your frustration but surely you can understand how your H felt when you said that, you don't really expect him to just take that on the chin and then be able to perform? It sounds to me like this man really loves you, he even said he would change his apparance for you, he obviously wants to do whatever you need to make you happy but honestly, what you said to him is like telling a child "oh you're rubbish you can't spell, now go and win that spelling bee because your happiness depends upon it". Think of the pressure, maybe he was too upset and probably to scared to risk it going wrong given the associated consequences if it did ie you would leave him!

 

I agree with DOT.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously crack open Divorce busters or Getting the Love You Deserve or something. This isn't to say that it is all of your responsibility, but it isn't all his either.