The Psyche of the Late Bloomer

[AD1980]

Very interesting post

 

I just turned 30 and never even kissed a girl

 

Combination of being unattractive to women and paralyzed by fear of rejection

 

I used to fantasize about relationships how it would feel,how the person would be i was with, soemtime id cry myself to sleep becasue i couldnt get one and felt ugly and unwanted

 

I then realized i wasnt anywhere near relationship material and if i ever got into one the girl would leave immediately and be scared off by me

 

Now im more apathetic and maybe more equipped to handle one BUT at the same time im also that way because im not trying or thinkign about it or putting myself out there,tryign to get a women or imagining ever having one isnt even on my radar anymore

 

Havign a women in my life i think has now passd me by,i dont think about it i dont care i dont ever see myself with one

 

You can say its sad or not healthy but for me its self preservation

 

I realize getting a women may not be in the cards for me so im more then prepared for it now instead of thinking and dreaming about it and getting myself worked up for nothing

[irc333]

As I reach my 27th birthday, I'm come to realize that the vast majority of my dating life has been condensed into the last couple years of my life. I was never successful in dating in grade school

 

Now when you say Grade school, you mean Highschool? LOL

 

I don't think gradeschool even counts.

[Jannah]

I think there are benefits to being a late bloomer:

 

Less jaded, older and wiser, greater self-awareness

 

With that said, there is the stigma that comes with it. But, that can apply in other areas (i.e. a person who has been in multiple failed LTR's, a person who has had a string of short term relationships. etc.)

 

A woman may have less patience with a late bloomer if she sees that he demonstrates little or no relationship experience. She may view him as someone who lacks experience with commitment and/or has conflict with intimacy.

 

A late bloomer may just very well be a deep thinker and there are definitely positive aspects to that. The challenge is in the transition unfolding from a logical standpoint to one that involves feelings. Emotions are the primal bonds of a relationship and love is an entity all in itself.

[Star Gazer]

Hokie is definitely a Marine and shredded. I agree that a lot of dudes are in the same boat. I think everyone is, actually. The self realization of fears and insecurities is the first step to defeating them.

 

Objectively, Hokie has nothing to be insecure about. He's very handsome, his body is insane, he's intelligent and funny, caring and thoughtful, introspective and intuitive, and emotionally generous. In short, he's beautiful inside and out.

[Green]

Objectively, Hokie has nothing to be insecure about. He's very handsome, his body is insane, he's intelligent and funny, caring and thoughtful, introspective and intuitive, and emotionally generous. In short, he's beautiful inside and out.

 

It was a good post that even people who arn't late bloomers can relate to. Maybe some one messed him up recently and thats what has him thinking about this stuff. Even people who have everything going for them are entitled to feelings and self analysis. In the end Don't feel sorry for yourself hokie not that you are

[Star Gazer]

I think there are benefits to being a late bloomer.

 

This depends entirely on WHY one is a late bloomer.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe some one messed him up recently and thats what has him thinking about this stuff.

 

Nice try, Green. No one messed him up.

[xpaperxcutx]

I personally know alot of late bloomers. I have a cousin who didn't start dating until after college when she was 25-26, around Hokie's age. I never thought she was unconfident, but maybe that's because she never took the social rules too seriously to allow herself to follow society's meaningless expectations. She's now married and living in Beijing with her husband; and they're both with good stable jobs.

 

Hokie, I just think you seem more self conscious rather than just going with the flow. Nobody expects you to be " experienced" because that term is generic. Experiences are different for everyone. Someone can be 18 yrs old and have had 6 gf/bfs by then or they can be 30 and been in one relationship. To question why that is is not the point but rather that different situations apply to different people. It's merely how others look at it objectively ( that can lead to bias).

 

My cousin married her first and only boyfriend. From an outsiders point of view that will seem rather rash, but to her and her family, its a perfect match. Her husband is kind, understanding, and caring above all, even though his outer appearance may make him an average joe. My cousin falls into the range of 8-9, but she has the wits and smarts to match her beauty.

 

Like I said different people, different situations. Although I have to say certain ppl are more prone to insecurities than others, its how you deal with it that counts.

[Jannah]

This depends entirely on WHY one is a late bloomer.

 

Yes, of course. But, that all goes back to personal choices and/or personal stuff.

 

Agh, I don't know how to phrase it. You know what I mean.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Jannah
edit

[Stockalone]

(1) Becoming emotionally attached to someone just because they showed interest in you. When you've spent all of your younger years never having experienced someone's affection towards you, you start to appreciate too much, placing that feeling at an almost unhealthy level. It's almost as if you "fall" for that feeling of affection towards you and not necessarily the person. It also causes you to become emotionally attached much too soon, before you truly get to know the person. Again, it's that feeling of being loved that you become attached to before you become attached to that person.

 

I'd actually like to clarify this point. I don't mean to say that I'm interested in a girl only because she's interested in me. That'd be silly, and if that was the case, I'd never find love. If I'm interested in a girl, of course I want to get to know her better. But as soon as she shows that she's truly interested in me, I prematurely start to get emotionally attached to that "feeling," instead of holding my emotions back and gradually attaching to the person as I learn more about her. It's almost like an on-off switch for me, and it usually gets turned full on too soon. This generally creates unnecessary early pressure on the relationship and on the girl, which often causes her to leave. That has actually happened a couple times for me...

 

Being a late bloomer also feeds false expectations of what a relationship is and should be in our minds. Again, this creates pressure on the girl to fulfill the requirements for the delusion of this "ideal" relationship that we carry with us.

 

If I like a woman and she likes me, my mind is always a couple of steps ahead of the relationship reality.

 

Granted, being an early investor can be a problem if the woman feels pressured or isn't into you in the first place. Honestly though, if a woman leaves because of that, so be it. I really don't see the point in trying to meet someone else's timeline when it means to ignore my own.

 

Besides, getting attached in that way is necessary for me to actually want a relationship. I believe this early mix of feelings like desire, admiration, attachement, lust, etc. is the driving force that makes me want to have a relationship in the first place.

 

When I don't feed those early feelings, or even suppress them, I never develop the attachement needed to form a relationship I'd want.

 

 

(2) Difficulties dealing with a girl's past. A lack of dating, relationship, and sexual experience will make it seem much more important to you. If you're dating someone that has significantly more experience, it makes you feel like you're somewhat less special to them. It's like you're just "another guy"...this was something I previously had a great deal of difficulty dealing with in my first relationship...but then I was able to pull my head out of my ass...

 

It depends on what kind of past we are talking about. Generally speaking, I will judge people for certain past actions. I also don't think of it as something that needs to be changed.

 

 

(3) Being "blind" to women who might actually be interested and ignoring the signals. If you grew up accustomed to getting little to no attention, you learn to expect that you won't ever get that attention. If a friend tells you that someone is checking you out, you brush it off and say that they're full of sh*t.

 

I think there is a difference between not being able to see/notice when a woman is giving you positive signals or not believing that a woman might actually be giving you positive signals.

 

For example, though it rarely happened, when a friend told me that a woman was giving me positive signals (body language, or just being flirty), I didn't think they were full of sh*t. Instead, I was stunned, because I had no idea that woman might have been giving me signals. I simply didn't notice or understand the difference between a woman who was being polite/friendly and one who was being flirty/interested. That's still a problem to this day.

 

 

(4) You don't value yourself as highly as you should. Many of us seek external validation and value ourselves based on how others view us, especially when we're young. If we were unsuccessful with dating from an early age, we see that failure as a reflection of our own inferiority. It's hard to break that habit...

 

I agree that being unsuccessful with dating is a failure. However, to me it means having failed to reach the goals I set for myself.

 

I always wanted a relationship because that was what I wanted, I didn't want one because of what other people might think about me. And to fail miserably at something I wanted so much, was a huge blow; it's been my greatest personal disappointment/failure.

 

 

(5) You have a harder time letting go and moving on. When you've always had difficulty finding people interested in a relationship with you, you are prone to see a someone that left you as your "last shot," so you tend to stay attached to that person and that relationship longer than you should, thinking that it's all you'll ever have.

 

Making a connection with women has always been very difficult for me. I think it's only natural to think of something you didn't want to lose, as special. After all, there is always the risk that this was your last shot. There is going to be a last relationship for all of us. There is no guarantee that there is always going to be a next relationship.

 

That said, I only ever missed one ex. She was the only person I ever loved, and while I know the potential to find someone else to share something similar is there, I can't know for certain that it actually will happen.

 

 

But of those of you, male or female, who may have started seeing dating "success" later in life, is there anything about you that may have been influenced by your "late bloom"?

 

Dating "success" is relative. I have dated, yet not considered it a success because of what I had to do to be "successfull" (get those dates in the first place).

 

I think that nothing about me was really influenced by my late bloom, but more likely than not, my "late bloom" was caused by my views and who I am. If anything, the experience has made me more unyielding and a bit bitter.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Stockalone

[northern_sky]

I think part your problem is your choice in partners, which stems from your low self esteem I would imagine. You seem to latch onto people who are incompatible with you -- people you assume project confidence and therefore can fill up your lacking sense of self.

 

As long as you seek this out, you will put women on a pedestal and get rejected or find yourself unable to form a genuine connection past the infatuation phase. These women, in turn, will sense the superficiality of your feelings.

 

I think you look for surface qualities in women (and I'm not talking about looks, but surface personality qualities), rather than looking deeper to see if they are truly compatible with you.

 

I sense your understanding of women is underdeveloped, you're not a good judge of character and you don't know what you're looking for.

 

That said, you have a ton to offer, and I see great potential for you being in a happy, fulfilling relationship if you recognize and break out of some of these patterns.

Edited November 5, 2010 by northern_sky

[Pyro]

hey Hokie clear out your PM box some.

 

Carry on.

[shayan]

very well written hokie, your last point is one which I struggled before with (fear of rejection and devaluing of self) have overcome and I am so greatful for it)

[threebyfate]

Hokie, the more you allow your past and external opinion to push and shove you around, the less likely you'll find someone to share your life with.

 

Anchor from within but not to your weaknesses. Anchor to your internal strengths.

[USMCHokie]

Objectively, Hokie has nothing to be insecure about. He's very handsome, his body is insane, he's intelligent and funny, caring and thoughtful, introspective and intuitive, and emotionally generous. In short, he's beautiful inside and out.

 

Thanks...

 

 

You just didn't even try when you were younger, because of your own fears and insecurities about certain things.

 

You're right...and it was always about race for me...I just didn't think I was objectively attractive or desirable growing up in a predominantly white area, as evidenced by constant rejections in middle and high school...so when I started college, I began doing everything I could to make myself as un-Asian as possible...

[USMCHokie]

Anchor from within but not to your weaknesses. Anchor to your internal strengths.

 

I agree that it's important to create a foundation from your strengths, but I'm trying to recognize and correct my weaknesses so that they don't screw me over later...

[USMCHokie]

Hokie, I just think you seem more self conscious rather than just going with the flow. Nobody expects you to be " experienced" because that term is generic. Experiences are different for everyone.

 

Well I don't worry about whether someone I'm with is going to expect me to be experienced or inexperienced or whatever. If she can't deal with it, then so be it...LAUNCH. I created the thread mainly to figure out why I act the way I act and do the things that I do and feel the way I feel...and I'm merely postulating that this could be a source of my behaviors...

[threebyfate]

I agree that it's important to create a foundation from your strengths, but I'm trying to recognize and correct my weaknesses so that they don't screw me over later...

Correct or accept your weaknesses? Correction is an incredibly difficult road to go down unless you're dedicated to self-monitoring and correctional behaviour, for as long as it takes to change foundational thought patterns.

 

As a consideration, so often, our strengths are our weaknesses, just that both are the extremes of each other. Be careful what you correct or potentially just moderate behaviour.

 

You don't strike me as the self-destructive type so that's why the more moderate advice. Some on LS need serious change. You need an injection of belief in self and a moderation towards external sensitivities like rejection without losing the positive side to your sensitive nature.

[Star Gazer]

I think part your problem is your choice in partners, which stems from your low self esteem I would imagine. You seem to latch onto people who are incompatible with you -- people you assume project confidence and therefore can fill up your lacking sense of self.

 

The ONLY "partner" you've even seen him deal with here is ME. Please leave your personal distaste for me and your snarky comments about his choice in women (i.e., me) out of his thread.

 

These women, in turn, will sense the superficiality of your feelings.

 

This assumes his feelings are superficial. They're very real. He just invests too much too quickly, for his own good.

 

I think you look for surface qualities in women (and I'm not talking about looks, but surface personality qualities), rather than looking deeper to see if they are truly compatible with you.

 

Again, this has no basis in fact, as he hasn't discussed such things here. You're making it personal.

[Star Gazer]

Well I don't worry about whether someone I'm with is going to expect me to be experienced or inexperienced or whatever. If she can't deal with it, then so be it...LAUNCH..

 

Really? YOU "launch" her? This is news.

[USMCHokie]

Really? YOU "launch" her? This is news.

 

Or if she LAUNCHes me...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think part your problem is your choice in partners, which stems from your low self esteem I would imagine. You seem to latch onto people who are incompatible with you -- people you assume project confidence and therefore can fill up your lacking sense of self.

 

As long as you seek this out, you will put women on a pedestal and get rejected or find yourself unable to form a genuine connection past the infatuation phase. These women, in turn, will sense the superficiality of your feelings.

 

I think you look for surface qualities in women (and I'm not talking about looks, but surface personality qualities), rather than looking deeper to see if they are truly compatible with you.

 

I sense your understanding of women is underdeveloped, you're not a good judge of character and you don't know what you're looking for.

 

That said, you have a ton to offer, and I see great potential for you being in a happy, fulfilling relationship if you recognize and break out of some of these patterns.

 

From my past reads, this seems like absolute projection.

[welikeincrowds]

Correct or accept your weaknesses? Correction is an incredibly difficult road to go down unless you're dedicated to self-monitoring and correctional behaviour, for as long as it takes to change foundational thought patterns.

 

As a consideration, so often, our strengths are our weaknesses, just that both are the extremes of each other. Be careful what you correct or potentially just moderate behaviour.

 

You don't strike me as the self-destructive type so that's why the more moderate advice. Some on LS need serious change. You need an injection of belief in self and a moderation towards external sensitivities like rejection without losing the positive side to your sensitive nature.

 

+one million

 

I think this is one life's most important and difficult lessons. I'm trying to learn it every day. This may be off (still learning, hurr), but I think it has something to do with being able to forgive yourself. I say it over and over again on these boards, because in so many threads, you'll see people who won't forgive themselves for making mistakes, won't forgive dating for being confusing, won't forgive life for being challenging.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well I don't worry about whether someone I'm with is going to expect me to be experienced or inexperienced or whatever. If she can't deal with it, then so be it...LAUNCH. I created the thread mainly to figure out why I act the way I act and do the things that I do and feel the way I feel...and I'm merely postulating that this could be a source of my behaviors...

 

Well by experience, I meant to convey it in a broader sense. It seems like you think you're lacking " something" to really make a relationship work and that's why you feel like you're acting the way you think you do.

 

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with you, except confidence to believe in yourself. Instead of blaming your failures on circumstances, learn, accept, and move on.

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with being Asian.

[USMCHokie]

Correct or accept your weaknesses? Correction is an incredibly difficult road to go down unless you're dedicated to self-monitoring and correctional behaviour, for as long as it takes to change foundational thought patterns.

 

This is a good point...it's truly hard, if not impossible, to change fundamental attributes and behaviors...especially those deeply embedded from the experiences during our younger years...

 

You need an injection of belief in self and a moderation towards external sensitivities like rejection without losing the positive side to your sensitive nature.

 

Yea, I'm trying not to let others' opinions paint the picture of how I view myself...it's a work in progress...