Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 Hokie said it himself (look back to his original post): his attachment is based more on the woman's attention and interest than anything about the specific woman, especially because he often gets attached before he even knows the woman that well. That is the definition of what I consider superficial feelings. They are deep in the sense that they arise from a deep need in him to be loved, but they are not deeply attached to the specifics of the woman to whom they're directed. For the most part, I have to agree with this, but I have to distinguish between interest and emotional attachment, which I see as two separate things. If I am truly interested in a woman, and that interest gets combined with reciprocated interest, it tends to turn into premature emotional attachment...so I jump the gun, so to speak, before I really get to know the girl...so I wouldn't call the feelings superficial...more premature... Link to post Share on other sites
Jannah Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Oh boy..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 You remind me of someone with muscle dysmorphia. It's similar to an eating disorder, except instead of wanting to be skinny, you're preoccupied with changing your phyiscal appearance by working out and looking big. Oh, I know all about BDD...and I'm not sure whether I actually have it and/or to what extent...but luckily it's not to the point where it adversely affects my life or my health... Link to post Share on other sites
Jannah Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Several have asked about previous dating experinces on first dates. It really unnerved me and I tried to avoid the subject. Even if I get past a first date and have something great going, I know I may be asked questions about my dating history and will be fearful that she'll run from me when she finds out about my inexperience. I want to be open yet at the same time I'm afraid to be. I don't have an answer. I think this may be common among late bloomers. Gamma none of that matters, if you find the right person. If you are a good man, believe me, it will shine through and you will get to where you want and need to be. Then YOU will be the one who gets to decide the type of woman he is best suited for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 For the most part, I have to agree with this, but I have to distinguish between interest and emotional attachment, which I see as two separate things. If I am truly interested in a woman, and that interest gets combined with reciprocated interest, it tends to turn into premature emotional attachment...so I jump the gun, so to speak, before I really get to know the girl...so I wouldn't call the feelings superficial...more premature... If thinking can solve almost anything, then there would be no such think as emotional attachment because logic would rule everything out. But in a relationship, we can typically be driven to be " illogical" hence there's no point in " thinking" as opposed to just doing it or being it for that matter. You're not superficial, or premature. You're just you. If there's a better wording, you're just more prone to developing an attachment than others. I wouldn't necessarily see it as a curse and neither can you avoid it all together. The best thing you can do is that when it occurs anytime in the future, you become more " self aware" ( as opposed to the negativity of selfconscience) and go about it in a positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
Surrealist Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Hey mate, I just had a look at your pics and there's certainly nothing wrong with the way you look and I think you know that anyway. It's kind of funny though you see yourself as a late bloomer yet I suggest you're already doing something that I kind of missed when I was your age - namely realising that there is much more about a person than their physical image and presentation. This will serve you very well in the future both with your dating and other areas of life. I wouldn't be discouraged by anyone about the weight training though, it will certainly help as you get older, you'll remain fitter and look better which is by far better than travelling in the other direction as gravity takes its hold. I reckon there's about 20 or more good posts on this thread that lots of people can learn from, one of the better threads currently running. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 You're not superficial, or premature. You're just you. If there's a better wording, you're just more prone to developing an attachment than others. I wouldn't necessarily see it as a curse and neither can you avoid it all together. The best thing you can do is that when it occurs anytime in the future, you become more " self aware" ( as opposed to the negativity of selfconscience) and go about it in a positive way. Premature was also the wrong word, but I couldn't edit it. This is exactly what it is...just because I developed an early attachment doesn't mean it was superficial or in any way not real... Link to post Share on other sites
northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 so I jump the gun, so to speak, before I really get to know the girl...so I wouldn't call the feelings superficial...more premature... I see a contradiction here. If you don't really know the girl, then your feelings by definition can't be deep in some sense. Deep feelings arise from really knowing somebody. Maybe what happens is you see the POTENTIAL for a deep connection, and then get attached at that point, before actually seeing whether the potential is rooted in reality. If I had to take a guess, the reason your premature feelings seem deep to you is because they feel so intense. That is legitimate. The feeling itself is deep in the sense of strongly felt, but it exists inside you before somebody else even triggers it. It's a deep inner need that you have, rather than the specifics of a real connection with another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 As I reach my 27th birthday, I'm come to realize that the vast majority of my dating life has been condensed into the last couple years of my life. I was never successful in dating in grade school, so I never even bothered trying in college. My first date came when I was 23; my first relationship and sex at 25; and a handful of dates since then. I've noticed that there are a few things about me that were shaped from my inexperience early on in life and late development in the dating game. (1) Becoming emotionally attached to someone just because they showed interest in you. When you've spent all of your younger years never having experienced someone's affection towards you, you start to appreciate too much, placing that feeling at an almost unhealthy level. It's almost as if you "fall" for that feeling of affection towards you and not necessarily the person. It also causes you to become emotionally attached much too soon, before you truly get to know the person. Again, it's that feeling of being loved that you become attached to before you become attached to that person. (2) Difficulties dealing with a girl's past. A lack of dating, relationship, and sexual experience will make it seem much more important to you. If you're dating someone that has significantly more experience, it makes you feel like you're somewhat less special to them. It's like you're just "another guy"...this was something I previously had a great deal of difficulty dealing with in my first relationship...but then I was able to pull my head out of my ass... (3) Being "blind" to women who might actually be interested and ignoring the signals. If you grew up accustomed to getting little to no attention, you learn to expect that you won't ever get that attention. If a friend tells you that someone is checking you out, you brush it off and say that they're full of sh*t. (4) You don't value yourself as highly as you should. Many of us seek external validation and value ourselves based on how others view us, especially when we're young. If we were unsuccessful with dating from an early age, we see that failure as a reflection of our own inferiority. It's hard to break that habit... I will admit that these are some of the faults of mine that I attribute to being a late bloomer. I'm sure there are more that I can't think of at the moment. But of those of you, male or female, who may have started seeing dating "success" later in life, is there anything about you that may have been influenced by your "late bloom"? Any other thoughts...? I think you're really onto something here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 Hey mate, I just had a look at your pics and there's certainly nothing wrong with the way you look and I think you know that anyway. It's kind of funny though you see yourself as a late bloomer yet I suggest you're already doing something that I kind of missed when I was your age - namely realising that there is much more about a person than their physical image and presentation. This will serve you very well in the future both with your dating and other areas of life. I wouldn't be discouraged by anyone about the weight training though, it will certainly help as you get older, you'll remain fitter and look better which is by far better than travelling in the other direction as gravity takes its hold. I reckon there's about 20 or more good posts on this thread that lots of people can learn from, one of the better threads currently running. Thanks...I appreciate the kind words... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Oh, I know all about BDD...and I'm not sure whether I actually have it and/or to what extent...but luckily it's not to the point where it adversely affects my life or my health... Sorry I wasn't trying to diagnose you, but you do have that BDD mentality. Actually you remind me of me, when I was at my lowest point with my eating disorder. It's a mentality. If you think you're one thing long enough, you become it. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Premature was also the wrong word, but I couldn't edit it. This is exactly what it is...just because I developed an early attachment doesn't mean it was superficial or in any way not real... I think we've all been guilty of this at one point or another...investing quickly before we know if the relationship can even work, regardless of compatibility or the depth of emotions. FWIW, so everyone knows...these issues he's grappling with and working on had nothing to do with...well, you know. 3,000 miles makes things pretty difficult. We can't all be CE and Pyro. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 I think we've all been guilty of this at one point or another...investing quickly before we know if the relationship can even work, regardless of compatibility or the depth of emotions. We invest so quickly because we want it to work...and the stronger we feel about it, the more we think it will work...unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way... FWIW, so everyone knows...these issues he's grappling with and working on had nothing to do with...well, you know. 3,000 miles makes things pretty difficult. We can't all be CE and Pyro. Agreed. I had these issues long before the 3000 miles...it's just that I decided to finally recognize and do something about them... Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 I can completely relate to #2. I had my first gf at the age of 23. It just seemed so unfair that my girl had had 10+ relationships and she was my first one. I told her I felt bad about the prospect of only dating 1 girl in my life (the relationship was pretty serious, or at least I thought at the time) while she had had lots of other experiences. She said it didn't matter and was ignoring my feelings about it, while for me it was a major issue. I hated her for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 Sorry I wasn't trying to diagnose you, but you do have that BDD mentality. Actually you remind me of me, when I was at my lowest point with my eating disorder. It's a mentality. If you think you're one thing long enough, you become it. Oh, no worries. At one point I actually was genuinely concerned that I had become obsessive with it...the jury's still out on that one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 I can completely relate to #2. I had my first gf at the age of 23. It just seemed so unfair that my girl had had 10+ relationships and she was my first one. I told her I felt bad about the prospect of only dating 1 girl in my life (the relationship was pretty serious, or at least I thought at the time) while she had had lots of other experiences. She said it didn't matter and was ignoring my feelings about it, while for me it was a major issue. I hated her for that. Same thing happened with my first real relationship...and as you get older, you'll realize that she was right...it doesn't matter...she was with you then...and that's all that does matter... Link to post Share on other sites
welikeincrowds Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 We can't all be CE and Pyro. OK, so this is way off-topic and probably a bad time to ask, but I was always curious. Would you guys ever talk about LS when you were just having conversations on your own or whatever? Like, "Man, that SACWA, just what is her deal?" "Yeah, I know!" That kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 Would you guys ever talk about LS when you were just having conversations on your own or whatever? Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Would you guys ever talk about LS when you were just having conversations on your own or whatever?. Our offline conversations about what goes on here (particularly with a select few) actually helped us understand and appreciate one another better. Link to post Share on other sites
SilentVoice Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 OK, so this is way off-topic and probably a bad time to ask, but I was always curious. Would you guys ever talk about LS when you were just having conversations on your own or whatever? Like, "Man, that SACWA, just what is her deal?" "Yeah, I know!" That kind of thing. Good to know I wasn't the only person who wanted to ask that. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 I am a "late bloomer", though it wasn't by choice. I didn't have my first boyfriend, first date, first ANYTHING until I entered college. Hokie, you mentioned the race thing earlier, and I can really relate to that. I was in a sea of white people in a small town and it was very detrimental to my overall quality of life, primarily in school. I had plenty of crushes, and I was assertive about them--I always let the guy know I liked him, but I was always repudiated. I was widely known as "the angry black chick" or "the crazy feminazi" or "psychob*tch". I was picked on constantly, had racist epithets cruelly hurled at me, and because I had the nerve to assert myself I was ridiculed even more. Keep in mind, it was all guys who had been doing this. After some time I just stopped caring about having a boyfriend. It was sooner than later that I realized none of the guys in my school were worth my time. Once I started getting positive attention from guys in college I grew rather dependent on it...not good. I developed premature attachments with those who weren't right for me at all. Sometimes I feel like I was a stronger person back in high school. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 Yeah, I didn't want to jinx them but I also had exactly the same predictions. Surrrrre you did. So tell me. What EXACTLY were your predictions? Both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
welikeincrowds Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/i-like-were-this-thread-is-going.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 Surrrrre you did. So tell me. What EXACTLY were your predictions? Both of you. Can this please stop here? Isn't this what PMs are for? This was a really nice thread...can't we all just get along? And get back on the topic? Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/i-like-were-this-thread-is-going.jpg :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
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