"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[mmiller5373]

Sounds to me like she didn't have the courage and the strength to do what was best for her... Which is to go deal with G.I.G.S. on your own.

 

Yeah, I honestly feel like she didn't want to let me go, but she felt like she needed to leave. I think she has felt this way since the 1.5 year mark, when she first left me.

 

She came back to you (out of her own weakness)... and blamed you / the relationship for her own shortcoming.

 

I feel like she resents me now. Like, she blames me for making her get back together with me. I never forced her. Never had a gun to her head. I was tired of all the coming and going, so I just told her, either leave and I'm gone 100% or we're back together. You can't have it both ways.

 

I THANK GOD that I went through G.I.G.S. myself. Otherwise when my EX "changed" her mind a week before moving out... I was easily able to tell her... HECK NO! Having been in her shoes before, I knew that she was nervous, scared and she was giving into it...

 

I heard from her several months later... She thank me so much for being strong (for myself and for her sake), for wanting the best for her even though it was not what I wanted and that she has the greatest love and respect for me. For her, I embody what love is... (Note: Whoever she ends up dating... They have their work cut out for them since I am the measuring stick!)

 

If I didn't hold her accountable to what she wanted and needed to do, I would have had the same thing happen to me that happened to you.

 

I hope to hear from her someday. Honestly, I think by then I will have found someone else and moved on. That ship will have sailed.

 

I wish I had acted stronger though. Congrats to you for being able to act so strong in those circumstances. I think I was honestly already feeling down on myself because of several different reasons, so when she finally said it was 100% over, I cracked. I gave her every reason to think she was right for leaving by acting the way I did. I hope that someday she realizes I was going through a tough time already and that her leaving made matters worse. I don't want someone so special to me to resent me years later.

 

This thread is great. I hope people who are going through something similar can have a read at this and your other threads before they act.

[makelemonade1974]

Just to clear it up for those that aren't grasping the very basic concepts of human attraction an relationships;

 

A person will only ever break up with you because they lose interest in you. They don't want to have sex with you anymore. They aren't attracted to you.

 

 

EVERYTHING else that is said during a break up just serves to relieve that person's guilt, and let you down easier. E.g. 'i want to do other things' is often the easiest thing to say. Recently, i let a girl down with 'i'm not ready for a relationship yet'. Nope, i just lost interest in her that way. If you guys man up long enough to experience the shoe on the other foot, then things from when you were broken up with become a lot clearer.

 

I disagree with this. My ex and I had an amazing sex life up until the day we broke up. And I know I wasn't the only person enjoying it. I think he broke up with me because he felt like he had to make a choice between me and his career. I really think he still loves me; he just didn't have the energy to work on it because of the pace of his career. There were also some complicated circumstances that I don't really have the time to go into right now. Granted, he made a lousy choice. I think for men in their 30's and 40's, it's less about the sex than about the way they want their life to be. He just didn't see me fitting into his life plan. And he doesn't fit into mine either, so it's a good thing overall.

 

It may be different for women. When I left my ex-husband, our sex life was nonexistent because we despised each other. I think it depends on the situation. People break up for a variety of reasons. Relationships don't always die, sometimes they just break.

[mmiller5373]

I disagree with this. My ex and I had an amazing sex life up until the day we broke up. And I know I wasn't the only person enjoying it. I think he broke up with me because he felt like he had to make a choice between me and his career. I really think he still loves me; he just didn't have the energy to work on it because of the pace of his career. There were also some complicated circumstances that I don't really have the time to go into right now. Granted, he made a lousy choice. I think for men in their 30's and 40's, it's less about the sex than about the way they want their life to be. He just didn't see me fitting into his life plan. And he doesn't fit into mine either, so it's a good thing overall.

 

It may be different for women. When I left my ex-husband, our sex life was nonexistent because we despised each other. I think it depends on the situation. People break up for a variety of reasons. Relationships don't always die, sometimes they just break.

 

Yeah, I think the same. August 1st, my ex and I made out like crazy. She cried when I had to leave. Begged me to stay. Just days before that, we almost had sex (she was a virgin). We never Did anything like we did that day. Then she sends romantic messages on august 14th. Then breaks up with me on the 24th? I don't think she lost attraction after 2.5 years of dating in a matter of 10 days.

[poorguy]

I've had 3 LTR'S. The first one we met when we were both young (early 20'S)...She developed G.I.G.S so I let her go. Second one was 9 years younger than me-once again G.I.G.S came along so I let her go. Then the last and 3rd (10 years younger) G.I.G.S came along so I then let her go. Basically they were all good relationship but partying or new friends always began to pull us apart, so the priority of the actually relationship sort of fell apart on both ends because of it. I won't stay with somene who doesn't want to be with me and finds all the partying more important I suppose.

 

So my question is-I broke up with all 3 of them (I was the dumper). I let them go not because I wanted to but because I had too-I still loved them I just hated the situation...So being that I dumped them and went away and disappeared why is it that 2 of them came begging back a little over a year later??? My most recent one hasn't officially yet but it's only been 5 months now. Any ideas when I was the one who left them. I want to say they all knew why whether they admitted it or not why I wasleaving when I did

[homebrew]

In your situation and in mine... You really were the dumpee... Just like I was with my current EX.

 

My EX and yours knew that if they wanted to go party and hang out with these new "young partying" friends... We were gone.

 

They forced our hand... We were the dumpees.

[poorguy]

I would like to add that all 3 of them jumped head first into new "amazing" relationships..Their words not mine lol

[suddendumpee]

I've had 3 LTR'S. The first one we met when we were both young (early 20'S)...She developed G.I.G.S so I let her go. Second one was 9 years younger than me-once again G.I.G.S came along so I let her go. Then the last and 3rd (10 years younger) G.I.G.S came along so I then let her go. Basically they were all good relationship but partying or new friends always began to pull us apart, so the priority of the actually relationship sort of fell apart on both ends because of it. I won't stay with somene who doesn't want to be with me and finds all the partying more important I suppose.

 

So my question is-I broke up with all 3 of them (I was the dumper). I let them go not because I wanted to but because I had too-I still loved them I just hated the situation...So being that I dumped them and went away and disappeared why is it that 2 of them came begging back a little over a year later??? My most recent one hasn't officially yet but it's only been 5 months now. Any ideas when I was the one who left them. I want to say they all knew why whether they admitted it or not why I wasleaving when I did

 

I wish I would have had the balls to do what you did. When my ex told me she was having doubts, I suggested we cool off a bit and maybe even see other people. She got teary-eyed, and the next day I woke up to a very sweet FB message exclaiming that she cared very deeply about me and didn't want to lose me. I fell for it, and 2 months later, she leaves me. This just proves that she couldn't handle not being in control. She wanted the relationship to end, but on HER terms and HER watch, not mine (ie. when she had a replacement on deck). If I would have stood my ground and forced her to reflect on the relationship BEFORE the new guy was on deck, things may have turned out very different...then again, if the relationship was healthy, she probably wouldn't have had the doubts to begin with.

[homebrew]

Of course their new relationships were awesome and amazing!

 

What is not to like about some player who is a man about town (a.k.a. - Cheesed!ck / douche bag)?

 

I would be shocked if they were taken advantage of, cheated on or treated like dirt...

[poorguy]

Homebrew- I've been trying to put it in a simple perspective for years and your right- They forced our hands and we were the dumpees!!! Well put sir. I met to say my last has been gone for 8 months now not 5. I do wonder what the actuall reason in their head is as to why against all odds they come back after along period of time? I've read you thread about how you have treated your exes while in a relationship and I treated mine the same way you did. I'm glad I was always good to them because at leat you don't feel guilty. Haha one tried to come back to me 1.5 years later for a whole year

[RomoGuy]

homebrew, your article is amazing and is helping me ALOT! please take your time to read this, i would really appreciate it.

 

Im going to make this as short as possible. I'm a 23 year old guy, I have been with quite a few girls before, only one of which was a 2 year serious relationship. After the first night I met the girl I'm madly in love with I thought " That is the one".. I never had that feeling before with anyone. She is 6 months younger than me and has never "been with a guy" only dated 2 guys before for less than 2 month.. We hit it off amazingly, we had so much fun together, it was unreal, we fell head over heels in love. Her family and friends also saw how amazing we were together and how we brought out the best in eachother and they all loved me. We both got better when we were with eachother, we dropped bad habits and bad friends and continued to get better. She would tell me that I'm the the man of her dreams and Gods gift to her. We both felt the same! It was better that the love you see in movies. Everything was going great, we were creeping up on 6 months, until literally one morning I can tell from her voice that something was wrong. But she wouldnt tell me. We would tell eachother anything, if there ever was an issue we would tell each other and always end up resolving it. But she wouldn't. She told me she was going to talk to an older friend of hers that gave her advice that same day and that she would talk to me in the morning. The next day I try to contact her but no reply until the afternoon when she texts me and wanted me to meet her at the park. I end up going there and she ends up telling me that Im not the guy for her, because I basically am not spiritual enough for her and basically that I don't respect my parents enough and that maby one day I will disrespect her. She told me she loves me more than anything, but if we both don't have the Lord burning in our hearts, we wont make it through the hard times. I begged her not to give up on me and she said she wasnt. She said she knows I am amazing and that one day I will be brilliant but she cant be with me, not that day. She said maby one day but not that day..... We both cried and we told eachother ' I love you' and before she left I told her i want to be her friend, that I want her in my life anyway possible and she said she wanted me to be her friend and be in her life. And before she left I told her " just how we have worked through many other issues, We will work through this one" then we both left. She then texted me hours later basically saying 'no contact' so that we both can focus on what we need to do.... so for the first 2 days I beat myself up over it, praying and wondering how did this fantasy love story come to this? I kept saying to myself, I should have been better! I need to be more of a Christian! Then I realized, We all need to be better, we all need to be more christian.. not just me! nobody is perfect... Nothing adds up, how can someone go from being the man of someones dreams and God's gift to them, to being not good enough? or not yet? I believe it was influence from the lady or her father .... It has been 4 days and I have not contacted her... I love her and will always and I still believe she is the one. I also wonder if I will ever be good enough in her eyes.. I want to be with her, what do I do? I believe she needs her space to realize and analyze what is going on, and ultimately she will have to decide, but how long do I wait? if she doesnt contact me in a month or so, what do I do? there are too many unanswered questions and nothing adds up.

 

She knows for a fact that I am good enough for her, she would tell me daily " how did I get so lucky", or "how did god make you so perfect". She would even say that when god made her, He had me in mind.... The strange thing is that I am good friends with all her brothers and sisters... and they do not know anything about whats going on.. They asked me why we broke up. Her and I were just as religious as one another... at times I considered myself more than her. This all Happened so suddenly. And the fact that none of her siblings know whats going on makes me wonder... For some reason I honestly dont think its over, too many things dont match up.

 

We never slept with eachother, we both decided that is something we will save for marriage.

[homebrew]

Homebrew- I've been trying to put it in a simple perspective for years and your right- They forced our hands and we were the dumpees!!! Well put sir. I met to say my last has been gone for 8 months now not 5. I do wonder what the actuall reason in their head is as to why against all odds they come back after along period of time? I've read you thread about how you have treated your exes while in a relationship and I treated mine the same way you did. I'm glad I was always good to them because at leat you don't feel guilty. Haha one tried to come back to me 1.5 years later for a whole year

 

You know the reason they come back... We were in their shoes once. The Partying lifestyle gets old... real quick! Also, the aholes they date... are not us and end up treating them like *****!

 

Curious... Why didn't you take any of them back?

[poorguy]

Well the 1st one I would have taken back but had become involved heavily with my second at that point. In hindsight I should have chose her. I didn't want to hurt my current (I rather it be me with the broken heart then a girl)-I grew up with sisters and I've seen them go through breakups and told myself I never hurt a girl that way or at least try not to. The second I didn't want back AT all. Her attitude just really sucked and when she wanted to come back I was with my 3rd and so it goes. The second one got G.I.G.S but I just didn't feel the same level of love for her that I did my first. My 3rd from 8 months ago....Well I'm not sure what I'm going to do when the time comes...She was the one TRUE love of my life (being older now I can say that knowing what I know about life)..

[poorguy]

I wish I would have had the balls to do what you did. When my ex told me she was having doubts, I suggested we cool off a bit and maybe even see other people. She got teary-eyed, and the next day I woke up to a very sweet FB message exclaiming that she cared very deeply about me and didn't want to lose me. I fell for it, and 2 months later, she leaves me. This just proves that she couldn't handle not being in control. She wanted the relationship to end, but on HER terms and HER watch, not mine (ie. when she had a replacement on deck). If I would have stood my ground and forced her to reflect on the relationship BEFORE the new guy was on deck, things may have turned out very different...then again, if the relationship was healthy, she probably wouldn't have had the doubts to begin with.

 

I will tell you I din't cut them off that very day.. Maybe about a month later I cut them off-so I didn't do it perfectly. I learned really quick that talking to them after you've done what you had to do (breaking up) is only torturing yourself

[TheGrimSweeper]

I wish I would have had the balls to do what you did. When my ex told me she was having doubts, I suggested we cool off a bit and maybe even see other people. She got teary-eyed, and the next day I woke up to a very sweet FB message exclaiming that she cared very deeply about me and didn't want to lose me. I fell for it, and 2 months later, she leaves me. This just proves that she couldn't handle not being in control. She wanted the relationship to end, but on HER terms and HER watch, not mine (ie. when she had a replacement on deck). If I would have stood my ground and forced her to reflect on the relationship BEFORE the new guy was on deck, things may have turned out very different...then again, if the relationship was healthy, she probably wouldn't have had the doubts to begin with.

 

I'm in the same boat. When I look back their were so many warning signs that she had GIGs (how I wish I had read homebrews thread sooner).

 

But I do kinda feel like I've taken back control now since its been over. She begged me to stay friends and cried her eyes out when I said no, that she needs to figure this out on her own and won't be able to do that with me still around all the time. As well that it was not fair to me too.

 

She wanted to find her independence and become happy on her own without being so dependent on me for everything. As well I know she probably had a heavy influence from her single friends in University. One of her friends had just gotten out of a longterm relationship with her boyfriend and was now hanging out with my ex all the time after it. I dont doubt she must have had some influence which is kinda sad to think. But I didnt stop her and told her that I hope she does find her happiness and independence and that if one day she finds herself ready to come talk to me.

 

So in a way even though she dumped me, it kinda feels like I retook control back, as much as I miss her, and want her back.

Edited January 4, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper

[homebrew]

I'm in the same boat. When I look back their were so many warning signs that she had GIGs (how I wish I had read homebrews thread sooner).

 

But I do kinda feel like I've taken back control now since its been over. She begged me to stay friends and cried her eyes out when I said no, that she needs to figure this out on her own and won't be able to do that with me still around all the time. As well that it was not fair to me too.

 

She wanted to find her independence and become happy on her own without being so dependent on me for everything. I didnt stop her and told her that I hope she does find that and that if one day she finds herself ready to come talk to me.

 

So in a way even though she dumped me, it kinda feels like I retook control back, as much as I miss her, and want her back.

 

Like you, my EX did the same thing... In a way, we become / feel like the dumper to our EX.

 

In both cases, we still cannot pursue them. They have to come back on their own accord.

[TheGrimSweeper]

In both cases, we still cannot pursue them. They have to come back on their own accord.

 

I know this, as much as I know shes just going to wait for me to "come around" and say I want to be friends with her. She has a stubborn side, but if she realizes im the one and her own stubborness / pride stops her from talking to me then thats not someone I want to be with anyway.

[homebrew]

I know this, as much as I know shes just going to wait for me to "come around" and say I want to be friends with her. She has a stubborn side, but if she realizes im the one and her own stubborness / pride stops her from talking to me then thats not someone I want to be with anyway.

 

If you are the measuring stick (which I assume you are)... She will cave.

 

Most men are jerks and will not treat her well. If she went off to party... You can count on her heart being ripped out of her chest and being shoved up her butt by some cheesed!ck / douche bag. Some girls seem to require this to happen to them more than once before they figure it out... but don't worry... she will be back, one day!

[RomoGuy]

hey homebrew, were you able to take a look at my situation? any advice?

[homebrew]

hey homebrew, were you able to take a look at my situation? any advice?

 

Do me and yourself a favor... Cut and paste what you wrote into a new thread... That way, I and many others can comment on it.

[RomoGuy]

here it is... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259492/

[coltsfan1]

hey homebrew, would you look at my situation as well. I am pretty sure that I already know the answer but your perspective ould be appreciated and can't hurt right..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219183/

[homebrew]

If anyone has any questions or would like to discuss their situation further... Feel free to PM me.

[Xero8780]

I am about to be in a situation when I return to school in which my girlfriend who dumped me b/c of grass is greener and I will be around each other all of the time. We share all of our friends, we broke up just before break when most of our friends were gone, so now when we return we will be at all the same parties, see each other on campus etc.

 

Friends have already expressed that they hope that things won't be weird and that we can all hang out like we did before despite us breaking up. Our break up was friendly (I mean I was very sad), but the only given reasons from her were classic grass is greener (we ahve been dating for too long, I want to see what its like to be single, I feel like we are married,etc.).

 

I am trying to do no contact and speaking to her is sooo painful b/c I miss her so much, I can't even imagine having to see her. It is unavoidable that we will be in one another's presence if I plan on having friends and going out and being social...I don't want to be around her though, it will kill me...however I don't want to be seen as running away from her or ignoring her in public. I also won't be able to manage seeing her flirt with other guys at parties, etc.

 

I know I am supposed to put on a happy face and act like I am not phased...but I may just breakdown...

 

What to do? Break no contact when we get back to school to discuss with her how I feel? She keeps texting me how much she cares about me and wants me to be happy, misses me and I feel like she is going to try to put herself in situations in which she will be around me.

 

I can't tell her to just not hang out with her friends (my friends too) or tell her that she better not be at this or that party, I would look so pathetic and desperate and feel mean.

[homebrew]

I am about to be in a situation when I return to school in which my girlfriend who dumped me b/c of grass is greener and I will be around each other all of the time. We share all of our friends, we broke up just before break when most of our friends were gone, so now when we return we will be at all the same parties, see each other on campus etc.

 

Friends have already expressed that they hope that things won't be weird and that we can all hang out like we did before despite us breaking up. Our break up was friendly (I mean I was very sad), but the only given reasons from her were classic grass is greener (we ahve been dating for too long, I want to see what its like to be single, I feel like we are married,etc.).

 

I am trying to do no contact and speaking to her is sooo painful b/c I miss her so much, I can't even imagine having to see her. It is unavoidable that we will be in one another's presence if I plan on having friends and going out and being social...I don't want to be around her though, it will kill me...however I don't want to be seen as running away from her or ignoring her in public. I also won't be able to manage seeing her flirt with other guys at parties, etc.

 

I know I am supposed to put on a happy face and act like I am not phased...but I may just breakdown...

 

What to do? Break no contact when we get back to school to discuss with her how I feel? She keeps texting me how much she cares about me and wants me to be happy, misses me and I feel like she is going to try to put herself in situations in which she will be around me.

 

I can't tell her to just not hang out with her friends (my friends too) or tell her that she better not be at this or that party, I would look so pathetic and desperate and feel mean.

 

Ouch! You are in a very difficult situation...

 

DO NOT DISCUSS WITH HER HOW YOU FEEL.... That I know for sure!

 

How old are the both of you? How long did you two date?

[Xero8780]

we are both 21 and dated for 2.5 years. she dumped out of the blue when everything seemed to be going well, we never fought during the relationship, etc etc etc, all the same stuff all these guys are saying when they get dumped for GIGS.

 

Well I am 21 and she is 20...until her birthday, which juussttt so happens to the be the first full day all of us get back to school...which is very confusing and overwhelming b/c everybody is going to make a whole "lets reunite" thing out of celebrating her birthday.