"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[homebrew]

Wow! Man... I hate it for you.

 

Were you and here always part of this group before? Or were one of you introduced into it?

[Xero8780]

additionally, I am confused b/c she is doing this whole thing where she texts me that she misses me, is confused, doesn't know what she wants, etc.

 

I also don't know what I want, I am so scared of getting back in a relationship in which I live in fear that I could get dumped out of nowhere...especially when I was dumped when things seemed to be going so well.

 

Our relationship was so good that most of my friend thought I was being sarcastic when I would explain that she broke up with me.

[Xero8780]

the group formed freshman year with both of us in it, and we started dating as a result of falling in love as we met each other as being a part of this freshman year friend group that has stayed together.

[SDA]

im with you xero.i wish i knew why they say they "are confused" and why they have to think about it.

[homebrew]

I have thought about it and you have 2 choices...

 

1. Fake it till you make it... YOU CANNOT TALK TO HER OR YOUR FRIENDS (they will tell her) ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

 

2. Find a new set of friends.

 

On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being I want to die)... How bad does the break up still hurt?

[Xero8780]

This is going to be really tough b/c she is desperate to be friends with me. Keeps begging me to be friends, etc. and this has all be done over break....and I keep saying "I need space, etc."

 

however, I know she is going to try to be around me and talk to me.

 

The pain is probably a 5-6 when I am going about my day to day life here at home on break, but goes up to probably an 8 when I think about going back to school, dealing with all of our friends, seeing her, etc. It was just sooo shocking. For the first week after I was oddly not that sad, but now I realize that I was in shock and now I am feeling the pain.

 

I miss her soo much, but now I get nauseous, literally, thinking of the prospect of having to be around her because how I confused I am and how much I miss her. For 2.5 years she was never manipulative, so easy going, everything you could hope for and then this just happened.

 

When we are in the same place, should I just be cordial but not really engage her in conversation? I KNOW that she will try to talk and be friendly b/c I sense that she has a lot of guilt and is just so confused about what she wants. Even if I was able to fake being fine and put on this happy attitude I would not be able to normally interact because I would be thinking about her all of the time.

 

Would it be wrong to ask to get coffee with her right when we get back and basically say "I am confused by the signals you are sending me, if you want to consider a relationship then I am willing to listen and would consider it, if not then I need to not interact with you as much as possible or else I will be in pain and never get over you"

 

In her texts to me she is always saying that all she wants is for me to be happy, etc. so I think she would at least understand what I am saying...but then when we find ourselves at a party with 20 people in a room or at dinner with our friend group then we would just not talk? thats not right...we didn't have like some awful falling out breakup, I care about her so much. As mixed up as it is (considering she broke up with me) I get MORE upset thinking about her being confused and upset about the situation and me not being able to help then when I feel bad for myself.

[homebrew]

Great information... Post the overview of your situation... and then the last post in a new thread...

 

I am 38 and far removed from school and being in your situation... I would love to hear what others have to say.

 

Talking to her about where the two of you stand is NOT THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU TO DO... She views you as a friend... Does she care about you? YES! Does she want you to be happy? YES! Does she want a romantic relationship with you at the moment? NO!

 

If you try to press her on this... you are going to be very disappointed, hurt and feel like a total chump.

[Xero8780]

thank you so much for being here right now, I am freaking out. I posted it under "college"

[TheGrimSweeper]

If you are the measuring stick (which I assume you are)... She will cave.

 

Most men are jerks and will not treat her well. If she went off to party... You can count on her heart being ripped out of her chest and being shoved up her butt by some cheesed!ck / douche bag. Some girls seem to require this to happen to them more than once before they figure it out... but don't worry... she will be back, one day!

 

Yes I am for sure the measuring stick, shes had a few boyfriends before me but I was by far the longest and she said the only one she actually truly loved and could see herself spending the rest of her life with me.

 

I think your right, her first boyfriend was a complete d-bag and she still hates him till this day.

[valdeetz1]

I think I might be effected by this. See my story in the 'Broken dreams' thread. I would like input. thanks in advance.

[Ben06]

I agree with homebrew, it just happend to me, it hurts like hell.. Im still angry with my ex but what he said makes sense.. It will take me along time to forgive her but she was so into me and we work together so I can't take myself away from her all together.. She wanted to get married and we had a year and a half relationship.. we took a break and she went to another guy 2 weeks later.. it's weird because she wanted to get married right before we broke up.. she's 19 so it's going to be awhile for her to go through it.. she texts me once and while, but it's about work, phone and our dog.. she seems changed.. but who knows.. it's been 5 months and it seems like the same thing that we went through she's going through with this new guy.. she wants to be with him all the time.. he goes out with friend and hunts but she doesn't like that.. we spent every day together.. said she would only love me and all that.. it's really hard.. we never really spoke about it after words and she didn't want to deal with it.. I would hear that she felt bad for me and it would only make me mad at her.. But im getting better but I read what homebrew posted and it makes sense.. it makes it easy but i don't think it's right.. the way they handle it.. It's like the dumpee never mattered.. thats what makes me angry.. like it was nothing.. But it was a good post.. thanks homebrew..

[Shannyn8877]

Homebrew- How do you PM someone? I would love to share my situation and hear your thoughts!

[lostanddazed]

Im having that type of situation right now. she sent me an email 3 days ago saying this..

 

I had an okay day at work today. Made decent money... Lol I scammed like crazy!! I guess, in a way, I'm hoping they catch me and fire me!! I want you to know that I constantly think of you. I'm starting to question more the reasons I didn't want to be with you... This whole situation seems to have really changed you. For the better. Im dying for a change... It seems you got it before I did but I'm happy for you. I don't know if I've ever felt this lost before in my life.

 

 

You're right, I have been focusing on the negative of our relationship... But it's because I feel I pushed so hard to make it work and it just didn't. I know, to make things perfect, you gotta work at them. But I did... Whatever, I will no longer dwell on the past. No use in crying over spilt milk..

 

 

Love you forever. Hope to hear from you soon.

 

Should I respond with an email? or continue NC? we been living together 6 years.. and all this happened like 2 months ago. with alot of back and forth arguing for 2 months.

Edited January 8, 2011 by lostanddazed

[sinnister]

About it not being the dumper's fault. I was in a 19 month internet exclusive relationship. Using various online camming and IM software...we spent thousands of hours of time together..doing EVERYTHING together but intimate stuff (but simulating...masturbating...all kinds of visual intimate stuff)...since we started while I was in the recession and working for certifications before being able to get back into Uni...we spend starting off maybe 6 hours a day with each other...got engaged after about 9 months...and really stepped up the immersion to 14 minimum...sleeping with our cameras on..to the point to with the time difference (I was US..she was UK)...she even started to wake me very early cause I was battling extreme insomnia..due to sleeping pill overuse..trying to rush time to get to a point where we met. We may have argued Bi-monthly...but very small things...mostly based on space n lack of sleep or the little money she would loan me to get me by lean periods...none of my friends or family believed in the relationship as well..so they gave me another outside negative vibe...but friends were warming..I was living with my mum the whole time we were together...but had paid her far that enough to lower the pressure..but it would never stop..but we kept pushing. Still I was able to pay back her loans as I entered University in the beginning of this year....with her help with the entrance fees (I know little of this matters..but I'm trying to be as fair and open as possible about all of this)..but I punished myself for finally being able to have a definite ENDPOINT to our wait...and took so many hours in coursework..which I needed a second hobby, video games, to offset the stress.

 

She got a job as a Au Pair..but taking her laptop with her, she patched me into her job, so I had to both be there visually to both her and the child she was working with. Still...that was a phase...and we had worked through that..pushing on to December...after a budgetting problem, while thinking her Au Pair job would last long enough to get to me...but still thought if not my summer dispersement could be used as a payback to make up any difference (don't hate this was my future wife needing to see me..very important in the scholastic progress)..it was not matched to what I would've gotten in the Fall, that I did not attend. With this in mind..she ended up getting a job in a Middle Eastern..but Christian country.

 

Once there, they put her in slavery...she had to tutor English to 3 preteens 7 days a week, 12 hours MIN a day...for 3 months...they didn't pay her crap either...ended up being 2/hour..but she stayed in a pretty posh resort (very important: but the resort bar still made her pay for liquor...she worked for the owner). I don't know..I was still Skyping so I didn't live it. Long story short..she was unable to help me that last time for the whole semester..cause they NEVER paid her for 2 months...caused strain...but suddenly...she turned. Citing some Nationalistic conversion...it was the same symptoms you describe here. She cheated with a local..but not sexually YET...starting with some casual dancing...I was a month away from being able to pay back what would be her very last loan to me..which wasn't even that ****ing much and just to get petro for Summer semester cause my means barely covered books and tuition and NO ONE in my family wanted to give me a loan..cause they wanted to keep using her (she was paid fully back in January with gifts and money..so don't start dogging me for a ****ty fam environ...HERS WAS FAR WORSE ON HER..but they didn't know about me..too shameful in that country to have an online relationship). So we break up after I find out about it..with her citing many weird and conflicting reasons...like "I wanna grow"..when SHE was the one that pushed our engagement...up until I did it..we talked ENDLESSLY about our children and familiy lives..and how we'd do it differently and how she loved me more than life itself...all kinds of ****...but her WHOLE PERSONALITY CHANGED. Every drop...she wanted to party more..hung out with skanks and pimps (social term..not actual)...just people she wouldn't normally....and her new friend was brazen about cheating on her boyfriend...so I guess it put the thought in her head..and I'm here 8000 miles away at this point freaking out. We had some signs of reconciliation in the first month..but I couldn't really grasp this new guy STILL being in my life....she was falling for him...FB chats daily..besides sleep..she met his family. I mean...my bottom was falling out...and getting worse.

 

Longer story short..she got colder and colder to me as she returned to the UK..we flirted with talking about at this point reconciliation to be pushed off until December..cause I immediately tried to complete our two year built up MEET...that we'd been planning on so long to complete our first phase of the relationship..going through so much **** to get to that point. She was attending Uni at the time...which would've helped me out with the time balancing TREMENDOUSLY...as she had not been in school the year prior..so I had to serve as her premium entertainment. I tried to get her into side projects..but she was addicted to me...which makes her turn seem so insane. I thought it was due to the overwork..coupled with my anger at how messed up the pay system was...we rarely really fought over it..but I vented at the inefficiency...and I blamed her for being so passive about it all...not overbearingly..but we had NO time together after a certain point..she had NO privacy there..and soon they took her off into the mountains where there was NO INTERNET CONNECTION anymore. She started changing after a 3 week stint..to when I was finally able to call out there...there was dogs barking at all kinds of night. I thought it was slavery plus sensory overload. This is so damn complex..but I'm sure people will flame and troll anyway...but yeah..the breakup was based on a total love of the country.

 

So we set up these hotel rooms to talk...she was initially supposed to stay with me there..so we can talk intimately...unblocked...had fun touring. She became colder and colder...so it became just me out there...but 5 days before my flight she made up a close-call kidnapping story, where some guy didn't stop when she needed..and led her off so she can be saved by another stranger..crazily traumatic to hear...but made it to falsely say she feared for her safety to take a tram to meet me and have to walk for any stretch of time LOL..that I only found out was false later when I was there...and compared me to this kidnapper. I got incredibly angry about it..and she put me on speakerphone...granted this new guy was still a part of her life..but she lied about how much they talked and how important he was...bumming money from me right before the kidnapping story. Now, with me going Mel Gibson about that crazy comparsion...her roommates forbade her to meet me off the plane, even as we had already set up a room for her to be alone for the night to meet me in the morning...had to pay cancellation fees for that. I never got to meet her...citing sickness...I was out there in expensive rooms...set up earlier because they were going to be close to her University. I find later that even as she had initially planned to revisit than country to take my Christmas away from me...the one we planned for so long...she had told me she didn't have the money to go anymore...so I gave her some..not to do..I was happy....but IT WAS A LIE. After feigning being sick so she wouldn't meet me..I contacted one of her friends to check up on her..this was the closest one I knew..and she was from the foreign country she had worked in the summer..the one that cheated on her bf. She told me..that even as she had spoken to her JUST the day before and at this point a week had gone by since the incident...she didn't know she was either sick or had been nearly kidnapped. I lost it.

 

Needless to say, I threatened to inform her family and friends about the lying and the extreme personality changes..some knew at that point we were engaged..but having problems. She got a restraining order on me shortly thereafter. So...when you get someone ****ing very confuse all of a sudden..heed the advice and RUN. Unfortuately for me..this was a VERY complicated and built-up relationship...i was succeeding like hell in Uni...and she was proud..until that dude was so far in her life. AND THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON...except she loved that country. They had sex..before I had even met her...when she went for Christmas..having lied to me saying she wasn't going. I have a restraining order..for constantly being there for her...learning and understanding and just staying there for her..all of that time...and another guy sexes her first. She's 20 and I'm dying.

 

Throughout the whole relationship..she had NEVER lied to me..I know..cause it was some hard stuff she had to admit at times..not bad...but she was VERY open to me. I don't even know who this new person is....but she's now out of my life forever..and I've talked this relationship up so much...resisting any naysaying about it...or her faithfulness...just took it on my shoulders...and was so close to completing the first part...and she got on this conversion kick and now she claims to be in love with this stranger...to both of us. I can't believe my life right now..but I'm now a hermit....started because we spent so much time together..then cemented cause "the thirst" hit me and I just wanted to absorb her physically....then deepened cause of the cheating and breakup..cause I wanted as few people to know of it as possible...mum heard it cause walls were thin (I'm leaving after this semi..so don't flame me for living with)...then the complete failure after spending thousands of dollars to try to get her back with such a disastrous result...I NEVER THREATENED HER PHYSICALLY...NEVER...just exposing how much of a lying bitch she'd become and had stayed....just wanted to really talk.....thousands wasted in my first trip abroad...to save this...and a damned restraining order...started venting to her friends this week...and from it is where I found from her that they'd had sex during her Christmas trip and she had fallen in love with him.

 

I just think IT IS the dumper's fault, cause the weird breakup and the mixed signals can drive a regular human mad. And when you add another person into your problem...of the opposite sex...you set off an EXTREME urgency with the other person...they are NOW FIGHTING FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP LIVES..if they don't think of you as a f--king slut. Which she had no indication of being...while also...putting that negotiation...putting your selfishness on an actual perch over the other person..when relationships rely on equal respect. You're so invested..you're now trying to win over someone that has it easy....you piss her off...or make her have to think...or have to dig in her conscience...he's waiting on the other end to wash it off..immediately... You would think that if you had ANY respect for the relationship at all, you could WAIT AND HAVE NO ONE in your heart if you didn't have me until it was settled....but you have some people so scared to lose..they can't be alone....or it was over and I was getting played...but who would go through all of that trouble. Again..she was a very passive person..but not to me...I brought her heart out..but it seemed that I was the only one she was really assertive with....I didn't know all of this before I fell for her. But there's so much tied into this..and now so much wasted and I have this huge gulf in my soul...it is the dumpee's fault...for being so damned selfish...there are ramifications for "feelings"...you can't just blindside people..especially with another person..if there's too much pressure....slow down the relationship...EVEN IF YOU SPED IT UP...don't be a coward...some people are capable of understanding....I just compare my saga to...once that guy came into my life...I was like an XP computer with a driver problem...I was almost me again..but keep rebooting....and I could never stop as long as he was there...and I probably blew 9 novels worth of text to get her back...cause we were so close and talked so much beforehand...hours...months of hours...to have NOTHING at the end...not even met her. And EVERYONE expects this to be something you can get over in 2 weeks..cause it was internet..so despite the time commitment..and everything shared...you were never real..even if you told so many this was your fiancee...she loved me to spread it...then it seemed she used the WEAKEST THING IMAGINABLE to RUIN MY NAME, MY LIFE, AND **** THIS STRANGER BEFORE ME...as loyalty to her new country...which seems to be a form of remaking...redefining herself...when the first 9 months of our relationship was rebuilding her self-esteem in the first place...she was beautiful....but because of a cold family life and bad relationships...just felt COMPLETELY **** about herself. It took her literally a month to finally be comfortable with camming HER FACE! Hours of begging...I literally got more time with her c--t..than her face before we got engaged.

Edited January 21, 2011 by sinnister
Addt'l Info.

[sinnister]

Can't really believe how it got this bad so close to it being so good.

[AcaciaStrain]

Exact same thing has happened to me. I understand now, funny thing is i felt this way a year into our relationship but didnt leave her, but maybe because i'm an idiot. Atleast i'm not confused anymore.

[MissyLove]

Thanks for this article Homebrew!

 

Everything you wrote pretty much described my ex and the way he ended our relationship! It's sad that I didn't get an proper answers from him but I feel like after reading your article, it has given me a bit of closure and I feel better inside.

 

 

 

Just a bit of background: My ex and I were dating close to 3 years, we were planning to buy a house and get engaged. All of a sudden he ended it and gave me 10 million reasons. I was very confused and hurt. I wasn't sure why exactly he was doing this (still am not 100% sure) but after looking at what you wrote, he fits the exact description.

 

He has broken up with my twice before, the first time at 6 months, I think because we were fighting alot and he was stressed with his business. Then the second time was about 14 months into the relationship, he stopped making an effort and said he didnt feel motivated to do things.

 

When I took him back that time, he promised me he'd give it 100% and this was it!

 

Three months ago, he ended the rship suddenly .... its very confusing because he didnt really give me a straight answer, it was one thing then another but the last thing he said to me was "you're not the one, i only see you as a friend, i know my feelings won't come back". I am not sure if this is true or if he was trying to get me off his case because I did all the wrong things like crying, begging, pleading, reasoning and continuely asking for a chance. After that, I started NC and it's been about 2 months now.

 

Everything was fine before the break up, HE asked me to buy a house, we discussed getting engaged, he didnt have a problem. He even went to look at engagement rings! Then a week before the break up, he sent me an email out of no where saying "I don't think marriage is for me" - WTF?

 

I thought it was a joke and maybe he was trying to play with my mind because he wanted to surprise me with a proposal (I was wrong!) so I joked back with him but in a serious way saying that maybe we should just end the relationship then because I do want to get married and have a family. In my head, I knew it was a joke but I have come to believe that maybe that conversation affected the way he was thinking?

 

About a week later, we had a fight over something he did. His behaviour had changed, we fought, he refused to fix it, we didnt talk for 2 days. We kept arguing because I was angry he didn't bother trying to sort our issues out.

 

The following week he started saying stuff to me like how 6 months ago, we were just normal bf and gf but now everything has gotten so serious. I reminded him that HE was the one who asked me to buy a house.

 

He then said he felt SO pressured to propose and that EVERYONE was asking him when he was going to do it. I said to him, forget about them, who cares what they say .... we agreed you would at least propose before we moved in and that should be it.

 

Then a day later he told me he was not in love with me anymore, that he did not want to admit that he did not want to be with me but then agreed to a break to think and he was very happy with that because he thought we'd break up.

He said the reason he fell out of love with me was because we didn’t kiss anymore. Is that a lame reason or what?

 

In the end, I could not give him the break, I was hurt and contacted him. It ended with us breaking up. He said to me that was it, he accepted the break up and thats what he wanted.

 

He told me a week after that he doesnt want to be in a relationship, he just wants to be alone and not make an effort for anyone. He said this was NOT about other girls (who knows!) but he has never really been single so he needs to do this.

 

He said if he was single SINGLE then there may be a chance that he would be with other girls. He said he could see himself marrying me, that this is a timing issue and it was NOT that he did not want to be with me BUT that he just didnt want to be with me right now.

 

I held onto hope because of his words and since he had broken up with me before and returned after 2 weeks of NC, I had hope he'd come back.

 

I had convinced him at one stage to see me, he agreed (after a lot of begging) to spend one day with me to see if any feelings would come back. I had been very nice for one week and a couple of days before we were meant to meet, I spoke to him and I told him “I have realised I need to make some changes on my own and I know THIS time, we will work out”, he immediately said to me “But I have made up my mind, I WANT TO BE ALONE!”. To me, it just felt like he knew deep down inside, there was a chance it could work and he just wanted to be single and alone, not in a relationship with me right now. In the end I said, “ok thats fine, I give up, let’s not meet up”

 

So 4 weeks passed of us not seeing each other but me contacting him every 2-3 days to sort out stuff and I did ask him many times for another chance. I did go to his house once and confronted him, I said I wanted answers, no more “I don’t knows”. He asked me “what do u want me to say?” I told him “you shouldn’t have been selfish, whether u thought there was another chance or not in the future, you should have just told me you didn’t love me anymore and you did not see me as the one!”

 

Four weeks passed, I sent him a long message pointing out all the things he did wrong to me and he was being very understanding, replying back to me, asking me if everything was ok BESIDES that semi-abusive msg I sent. I said yes, I said I love when he is nice to me BUT I only want him as a partner. He said “maybe in time we can be friends”. I said no, we will never be friends. Then this turned into me trying to get him to give us another chance, he got annoyed (as always) and we got into a big fight.

He told me “You are not the one, I am not in love with you anymore, I only see you as a friend, in the past 2 weeks I haven’t been with u, I haven’t missed you and I know my feelings will never come back!”

We then got into a big fight and I sent him an message saying how resentment is an understatement of how I feel towards him, how the past 3 years were a lie and this was the last time he would ever hear from me!

That was 2 months ago and I have been on NC with him.

 

I know I did all the wrong things and I am not proud of it but it was all out of emotions and yes I wish now I had handled it very differently but I can’t change the past unfortunately.

I was just curious as to what your thoughts (and everyone else’s) are?

I don’t have any plans to contact him .... sometimes I just think, maybe he really was not in love with me anymore and IS over me and that’s it?

[MissyLove]

Oh I forgot to add that I think he has a new girl, a not-so-close friend told me he saw my ex with me just before Christmas, I told him it was not me. He said he saw my ex with a girl in his car but she was wearing glasses.

 

He could have been mistaken but I think not. Just makes me wonder, how did this guy move on so fast? Couldn't wait to throw away a 3 yr relationship like that and apparently, the break up was NOT about girls and now he has someone new!

 

(No I can't be for sure its a new girl, could have been any girl but I do sort of believe he has someone new)

[MissyLove]

Sorry, should I have created a new thread for my story?? Let me know please and I'll create one thanks

[Renard99]

I would also like to thank Homebrew for this article

 

It almost exactly describes what happened in my break up which was only last week.

 

We met at university. I had grown up in a happy family that had given me the opportunity to experience life and gradually gain my independence through my teenage years. I also lived on the uni campus meaning I had already had a few years of drinking, partying and dating around. She on the other hand had grown up in an unhappy family with her dad walking out on them when she was young. Her mother was hugely over protective, for example, maintaining an evening curfew of 9pm even as she approached the age of 20. She didn’t have the college experience, didn’t date around and did not have a lot of “life experiences” growing up….. All things noted by Homebrew that are prone to create G.I.G.S

 

It all started late last year after having been together for 7 and a half years (living together for the last three) when she suddenly went cold on me. She’d shy away from my kisses. Roll over in bed, turn out the light and go straight to sleep without any ‘pillow talk’. Our sex life dried up rapidly. I just put it down to the fact that money was tight and the economy was rough. We were (are still!) all feeling the pinch. I brought it up with her the next day, we both agreed it was nothing, brushed it off and all was well again for another week or so.

 

Then, her personality changed rapidly. She started going out with a bunch of new (and in most cases younger) friends from work and partying all the time. She ditched a whole load of old interests and took up new ones that were very much ‘not her’ as I knew her. She moved all of her exercise classes that we had together to similar ones with her friends. Literally over night her musical taste changed (we initially met and bonded over our shared love of the same music) from Metallica to Lady Gaga. An extreme change in lifestyle… yet another of Homebrew’s identified warning signs.

 

I, in an attempt to reconnect with her and keep the relationship on track, politely brought up in conversation that I felt like she was drifting away, and, before I could formulate my next line….. bang…. She comes out with “I don’t think this is working anymore” and “I love you but not in the same way” but says she has “no idea why”. She then spends ages coming up with answers but none that actually gave me an answer. She was clutching at straws.

 

It’s only been in the last few days that’s she’s said to me (we still have to live together whilst we both sort out new accommodation) that she “doesn’t want to grow up” and doesn’t want to feel like she’s "missing out on life”. BAM! There we have it, the whole Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

 

I would love to have her back but it would be futile to try. Whilst she has the thoughts in her head about doing other things in her life she won’t be truly ‘in’ our relationship and that will not only make her unhappy but me as well. It would be like caging a wild animal. She already seems to be smiling more now, knowing she can openly accept party invitations and not have to worry about what I’m doing. If she is hurting as much as me she’s definitely hiding it well. I also think (unhealthily I know) that she’s leaning towards another guy already. She’s always spoken fondly of this one guy she works with (but nothing that ever got me suspicious) and now she’s agreed to go to two concerts with him, which, on its own I know is not bad, but, these are two bands that I like, and she’s always told me in the past she hates the bands. The other thing is that these are metal/hard rock bands, which goes against her current change to pop music.

 

Overall, I just want her to be happy, and if this is what it takes then so be it.

 

The whole break up has devastated me and I no longer feel like getting up in the mornings, I can’t sleep, I’m off my food and I’m an emotional wreck. I believe that time is the great healer and hope it will do its thing but whilst we still live together temporarily my healing can’t begin. I’ve been crying less and less each day but I do still have the large, cold hole in my chest and the dark blanket of loneliness draped across my shoulders. I’m managing to keep busy however, and, as the word gets around, more and more friends are coming forward to offer support.

 

I know there’s little advice here; I merely hope that by telling my story others will realise they are not alone, and I don’t know about you, but where I’m at right now, the thought of loneliness is scary.

Edited February 2, 2011 by Renard99

[willpower]

The whole break up has devastated me and I no longer feel like getting up in the mornings, I can’t sleep, I’m off my food and I’m an emotional wreck. I believe that time is the great healer and hope it will do its thing but whilst we still live together temporarily my healing can’t begin. I’ve been crying less and less each day but I do still have the large, cold hole in my chest and the dark blanket of loneliness draped across my shoulders. I’m managing to keep busy however, and, as the word gets around, more and more friends are coming forward to offer support.

 

I know there’s little advice here; I merely hope that by telling my story others will realise they are not alone, and I don’t know about you, but where I’m at right now, the thought of loneliness is scary.

 

 

Just try and point yourself in the right direction. Its the worst place I have ever been in. All that keeps me going is to think about what I want from life, and to go harder at getting it. You have a lot of energy inside you when a break up hits you so hard, if you can direct that to the right places then you can actually make surprising progress in life. Dont get me wrong, I had days when I was literally paralysed with grief, couldnt do anything at all. 4 months on I'm no less in love with her than at the time, thats a bummer, but I'm functioning and happier every day. I still think about her all the time. I still cant believe I let her go. I had GIGS with her and I can say it was a massive mistake. I may take this one to the grave with me. Slept with girls in the mean time and am now dating someone, but I wont lie I still think about my ex non stop and not who I am dating. Taking things real slow and figuring out if its just my body stuck in grief mode or if the new girl is not right for me.

 

For me sleeping with the next girl has always been problem solved, not with the current ex by a long way. I literally cried like a child once I had dropped them off in the morning. Listen to "stranger" by Noah and the Whale, in fact the whole album is a must for anyone needing to out their grief.

 

Have strength and focus on pointing in the right direction, its going to be as tough as hell but what other choice is there really?

[timchambo]

Just try and point yourself in the right direction. Its the worst place I have ever been in. All that keeps me going is to think about what I want from life, and to go harder at getting it. You have a lot of energy inside you when a break up hits you so hard, if you can direct that to the right places then you can actually make surprising progress in life. Dont get me wrong, I had days when I was literally paralysed with grief, couldnt do anything at all. 4 months on I'm no less in love with her than at the time, thats a bummer, but I'm functioning and happier every day. I still think about her all the time. I still cant believe I let her go. I had GIGS with her and I can say it was a massive mistake. I may take this one to the grave with me. Slept with girls in the mean time and am now dating someone, but I wont lie I still think about my ex non stop and not who I am dating. Taking things real slow and figuring out if its just my body stuck in grief mode or if the new girl is not right for me.

 

For me sleeping with the next girl has always been problem solved, not with the current ex by a long way. I literally cried like a child once I had dropped them off in the morning. Listen to "stranger" by Noah and the Whale, in fact the whole album is a must for anyone needing to out their grief.

 

Have strength and focus on pointing in the right direction, its going to be as tough as hell but what other choice is there really?

 

Did you feel you were not in love with her anymore when you left her? Have you tried to contact her about reconciliation?

[willpower]

Did you feel you were not in love with her anymore when you left her? Have you tried to contact her about reconciliation?

 

My story is a little odd. When I met her I was in a wild place. I work for my own business and had taken the conscious decision to go and meet lots of girls. I was out 3-5 nights a week and would get up late and catch up with work as and when I could fit it in.

 

I really was not planning on a relationship I just wanted to keep womanising but I could not help it with this girl, things just went so smooth, it was the most natural thing I've ever experienced.

 

To cut a long story short, one year in and she warned me she did not feel like she was an important part of my life. She asked me to make a bigger space in my life fir her. I told her she was the kind of girl I wanted to marry and she told me she thought she would marry me ever since our first date (bit weird but ok).

 

I then told her I wasn't ready for settling down, my work was important to me and also my other activities were important to me and right now I could not give any more and she should look elsewhere if she needed more.

 

To clarify all through our relationship the dynamic was unbalanced towards me - she worshipped me and although I told her she was special I did not treat her with the same adoration (I am not/wasn't that type)

 

She asks me in the coming weeks "are you pushing me away just to make me break up with you?" in the end she broke up with me, we cried and then carried on seeing each other unofficially in a pretty odd context for anotger few months. Same commitment issues surfaced and she then told me she had been on a date with another guy.

 

That's the point it hut me what I lost, even when she broke it up the first time we both could feel it wasn't for real. This was for real.

 

I told her how I felt, it was too late.

 

We have a business together, talk regularly and have complete trust for each other but I look in her eyes and the feelings are gone. Right person, wrong time. I'm quite sure I'll never bump into someone who I'm so compatible with.

 

I guess we have a ling term chance, we left on good terms. She left me with a massive head f*** by telling me "I could make it work with you, if I come back I'm yours, if I don't I never was" that was when I asked her outright if we were 100% over.

 

I poured it all out to her, she knows where I stand. 4 months on I still cry almost daily. Life goes on. Work is good, my hobbies are good and I'm dating. She is still with the same dude.

 

We have trust and we respect each other, that's something that's a fundamental to a relationship so I suppose never say never but you have to live like it's never gonna happen again. She was my 10 in every department but I was too immature at the time to take the plunge.

[turokturok5]

hey im not really sure if im going through this but ;

it was really sudden, and she said to me...

 

She didnt feel the same anymore

She thought we were better off like this

She couldnt go back to the way things were

I would find someone better than her

We werent meant to be

I was the sweetest and nicest guy she had ever met and she still wanted to be friends, and she started to cry.

I went to leave her house, i was devastated, but she asked me if i could stay and "talk" we talked for 2 hours as if nothing had gone wrong.

 

Few weeks after her best friend told me she did it mainly because i was too clingy, but she still thinks about me a lot and shes pretty hurt.

Its been nearly a month since our break-up and i've been NC for about 2 weeks, she hasnt contacted me yet

 

Is this the same situation as you described?

[loverboy1984]

Hey Homebrew I dont see how I can PM you. Can you email me so I can email you.I have a question for you. my email is [email protected]

 

thanks