"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[sinnister]

I can't have brought someone like that into my life to end feeling, looking, and just perceived as a loser/criminal. I lived that hell with her...I did the best I could but she was locked in and did destructive things to make it easier on HER...and made it about being freed/confused about me. Even her best friend in that country thought we'd be back together...never knew we were really that bad until she made up the near kidnapping story right before I was to fly out...to say that she was too scared to travel to meet me off the plane. I dealt with my father having brain surgery AND finals that entire November...trying to keep like Atlas with the world up while everything was melting in my hands....so many mixed signals...then coldness...then bitterness that I wouldn't just accept the confusion..the wishy/washiness of even doing what she'd promised..until she found a way to not do it. Does she know that this is wrong..or can she just paint me the user forever....the psycho...when she was in my room so many months....the most intimate experience ever. I sacrificed so much for this r/s..and not saying that she didn't..but we get 85 percent of the way...she self-sabotages to either get power or something resembling freedom but now bound to some "bad boy" that adds sluts to his FB every week and MSN (yeah I check, I want to see...wanted to see if it was all worth it...he isn't)....found evidence of him trying to cheat right b/f my flight...she confronted him..but I know that would've brought her back if I'd done it b/f the trip..but I'd trusted her...I'd waited....she became a habitual liar after/during the final month of that place...only found most after the fact..but the trust we'd built up...she took for granted and did things to intentionally make me angry so we'd fight when we'd got close again a few times after. I was meant to burn...."I knew her so well" she said when she blushed on our first of two cams...hadn't since she'd cheated. Then the last after he was willing to leave cause even as he lied that he loved her to get the sex when she spent her money to see him for Christmas..he only now "cared for her a lot" and I watched her beg him back and jettison the one with the evidence that he admitted. I got burned for a lesser...and she's got me on strict NC. Do they ever break out of this? I can't do this like this..I worked too hard no matter what platitudes...this is UNPRECEDENTED for me..not working this hard for this much destruction and character assassination to cover a mistake... Try putting platitudes "syndromes" on this...she swore that she'd never do this to me, because it was done to her and nearly drove her insane.

 

And let's not even count the major hit to my reputation for talking this broad up I have in my htown (very small MS town..still close to a small city..but I'm just out of it n the girls I like don't live here). I mean, I couldn't date anyone now that isn't a loser if I tried...I am now AFC..when I took time improving myself...took myself out the game to get ready for the big jump...brought her along...talked this and her up....and this disaster and I have to keep it trapped in me to keep from bringing everyone down...don't want to see anyone..but still have to go to Uni...Everyone knows she cheated n we never touched, had sex or met....so all my intentions are painted to the people I would want b/c they know who I really am...but...I have to now try to be single when I'm half a person...don't care if people r pissed that a person can be this important..but just read how I was led on...bled for 2 years...intense..fruitful...then 6 to now 11 after that clusterf--k of the worst months of my life....for a person I easily brought out of her so-called bottom..when I didn't even know she had it..cause I waited..prepared..improved until I was ready for her...the r/s she wanted/I wanted first.

Edited May 29, 2011 by sinnister

[EgoJoe]

There is some truth to GIGS but it's obviously not the end all loss of interest explanation. It's our culture, it's society, it's emotional interaction, it's communication breakdown, it's this guy makes more money, it's this that and everything else.

 

I think it's more of an element to breakups than the end all.

[Aionakheart]

This article is completely similar to what my best friend went through. I've known her since i was about 5 yrs old and we always maintained an amazing relationship, but when she started to date this guy i kept on becoming more and more worried because of the things i had heard. When i finally confronted her, she dismissed my aligations and began to asunder. Night after night i kept on wondering if she'd be okay, regardless that she dismissed me i still cared. Finally the day came when she a "girl" called his cell number and she answered. She was unbelievably heart broken and wouldnt speak to anyone not even me, i sought out to find something to help her, something to help her cope with the realization and came across a book called The Magic of making up. In it describes how couples sometimes learn to forgive and move on, but also how to cope with breakups. My site http://howtocopeafterabreakup.yolasite.com explains a bit more about this book and my pain-staking mishaps...

[sinnister]

Think the major difference is with GIGS, it's not necessarily out of the blue. I've lived through what I feel is both of them. GIGS is something one of you experiences as Homebrew says, but the SO that has it slowly pulls away, and it usually just entails having a different lifestyle, but it bounces back. Both has new friends/and is college age, but you can see the drift in GIGS. BPD is more stressful, sudden, and the person has obvious issues (depression, just too envious, self-critical) bf acting as if the grass is greener. GIGS people leave more respectfully or just stop calling as often..usually over 3-6 months after being hot n heavy, or just sits you down and explains she's moving in a different place. BPD's act heavily confused and it's usually like a 24 terrorist attack when you get splattered ( And if you love them can feel like Bauer trying to stop it) lol..usually started because they thought you were leaving them for someone else..or they'd been cheated before. There's warning but wayyy more insecure in my case, n there's usually more arguing prior. BPD's WONT leave unless they have someone else first...n before they do need to be around you constantly, lol, then guilt you cause they love u too much. GIGS is gradual, and you can tell it's from college. They both change but GIGS is more likely to change back to what she was in high school r the point when she was most confident after the phase has passed. You can tell what a BPD prioritizes by the people they hang out with. Hope it helps.

Edited May 30, 2011 by sinnister

[Soru]

Hey, homebrew. Can I get your email as well? I dont know how to exactly send a pm on here. I'd like to discuss this with you in private.

 

[email protected]

[wilsonx]

Wow, this was an awesome read... My ex girlfriend is going thru this right now... I was looking for a reason and she doesn't even know, she made up one that did not make sense out of anger and she knows it was a bad decision but she has this philosophy right now and wants her space

[sinnister]

According to WTRanger, any peace, understanding, healing or closure you might derive from knowing what G.I.G.S. is and how you were adversely affected by it is completely irrelevant and should be discarded immediately.

 

WTRanger's World that we are all to live in

 

1. It is FORBIDDEN to wonder, consider, think, analyse, ponder, question, inquire, examine, speculate, probe, investigate, etc. why the break up occurred.

 

2. Since we are not emotional or relational beings... nothing was really lost. Therefore, grieving is NOT PERMITTED!

 

3. In any and all cases, any Contact with the aforementioned person you were once / still in love is FORBIDDEN!

 

4. It is FORBIDDEN to consider or desire a reconciliation with the aforementioned person you were once / still in love. Any and all accounts of a reconciliation happening from your own personal experience, family or friends are simply lies, fabrications or a misunderstanding of the actual events. Therefore, there has never been any reliable or accurate recorded evidence of a reconciliation ever taken place in the history of civilization of man.

 

Disclaimer (For WTRanger)

The opinions expressed in this response are my own. All the information I present in regards to Break Ups, Second Chances and Healing are based on my own experiences. I also use information and data that I have collected from friends, family members and the homeless guy down the street. While I strive to provide accurate and informative advice and information within my posts, I am sorry to say that I sometimes get inspiration, thoughts, ideas, quotes, concepts, suggestions, tips, etc. from other sources that I have read, heard or seen on TV, Radio, Books, Movies, Internet, Billboards, Magazines, Newspaper, Bumper Stickers, Graffiti, Fortune Cookies, etc. Please use your discretion before making any decisions based anything that I may post. *As always, talk to your doctor or healthcare provider before acting upon anything I suggest, recommend or encourage you to do*

 

This disclaimer is to appease WTRanger and freee Homebrew of any liability if negative consequences result from my efforts.

 

LOL, what a hypocrite! That's like all we fought about last night.

 

1. It is a capital offense to ever disagree with Homebrew as he makes it up (rather well) as he goes along w/o any consistency in principles but WINNING the argument. He wants to be number one...lol.

[uncertainperson]

GIGS... exactly how I feel at the mo. Just did a separate thread and mentioned GIGS thinking I'd coined a phrase! Clearly not, it seems many others have the same issue.

 

Ive started to 'play up' a bit, going out partying more and have recently decided to go on holiday with my mates for 2 weeks instead of my gf - reason being that I feel at 24 I still want to 'live my life' and do what I want to do...selfish I know Im being swayed by forbidden fruit, envy of single friends 'freedoms' the want to do what I want, when I want...

 

All this even though I'm in a good relationship. The buzz has gone tho... For me at least. I think. Argghh

[shook187]

i am now convinced that my girlfriend has GIGS.

 

story - she's 21. then 15 when we met. i'm 22 - then 17 when we met.

 

beautiful relationship. lived together for a year, financially couldn't cope. moved home and she got the "GIGS".

 

5 years together and one day wakes up and tells me she wants to live up her 20's and make memories. sadly i think she'll regret this. told me to "move on" like you stated in the thread. i've been completely respectful. told her how beautiful she is given my self the best chance possible of a rekindlement. 8 days NC now, broken up 1 month. i wonder how long is too long to wait. well i'll rephrase that, i'm not waiting, i'm healing.

[marqueemoon4]

Love is a choice, there are no guarantees in life and people change.

 

Sorry about your break up... Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do!

 

love is a choice? commitment is a choice, love is a feeling last time I checked.

[esrabinici]

ellerinize saglik guzel bir paylasim olmus thenks

[AmericanHoney]

Does G.I.G.S. apply to someone who is in their 30's?? My ex was in his 30's and he was very kind in the first part of the relationship and we had so much fun but eventually he met a new girl and I didn't even know about this new girl until I read his facebook ( he wasn't my friend but it was public) and it said in a relationship with Mandy and I am not Mandy so I took that as a hint and never bothered with him again. I guess he suffered from G.I.G.S. but I thought it only happened to people in their 20's??

[AmericanHoney]

Makes sense. I guess my ex realized he was missing out on something and wanted to find another girl.

[Royal Guy]

Hey homebrew, please check your inbox.

[TheHurtProcess]

I've been reading through this thread for the past few days and I must say that it's definitely helped answer many questions that I've been left to ponder as a result of my relationship's inevitable demise. Thanks homebrew. I truly appreciate it.

 

Here's a little background. I'm 28 and she is going on 22. We were together for about 2.75 years. It seems as if out of nowhere there was a lapse in communication. She also had problems with lying and infidelity early in our relationship. I didn't really open up to her until about 2 years into it. I somehow knew that as soon as I did, she was going to want to "live it up" just like every girl her age. I guess I can't say that I was too shocked. After all, I did see this coming.

 

We initiated NC at first. Well, more or less she just stopped talking to me out of nowhere. Within a week she had broken NC via text. We text messaged for about another week. I could see that the text messaging was headed no where, nor did I believe that it would progress beyond that. Therefore I just stopped replying to her texts. Three days later (today) I get a phone call from her. Now she wants to meet up tomorrow and discuss the so called "future". I'm not even completely sure I want to see her, nor discuss any "future". However, I do have quite a list of words that I would love to share before I sever ties and move on with my life. I've already accepted my fate.

 

I refuse to contend with her friends, her social life, her partying and everything else she has declared a priority over me. I've been ready to settle down for a few years now. I believe that I deserve my significant other's undivided attention, loyalty and especially respect. After all, I've done nothing but love her and I don't see any reason why I deserve the treatment I've been receiving. Besides, I highly doubt that I'm going to find a life partner within that age group.

 

I seriously wish I would have gone with my initial instinct and left her alone. I guess this is a major learning experience.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[Royal Guy]

TheHurtProcess I feel for ya man . But go through the link that homebrew just provided, its a precious piece of work by him and it will not only answer your questions but make you feel lite hearted .

[TheHurtProcess]

Thanks for the advice, Homebrew. I was more or less venting here, so as tomorrow comes, I hopefully won't feel the need to outright snap on her. The problem is that I had finally accepted the end of our relationship, when out of nowhere she decides to make an appearance, once again disrupting the order in my life that I had just finally restored. Is asking to be left alone too much to ask for these days? I feel as though I've taken a step backward to the "Anger" stage of the "Grief Cycle".

 

I'll go easy on her. I understand the process which she must go through. The same process in which we all go through at some point in our lives. In order to move on, I have to let go all over again. That's the rough part. I just wish I didn't have to do this all over again. But, it is what has to be.

 

TheHurtProcess I feel for ya man . But go through the link that homebrew just provided, its a precious piece of work by him and it will not only answer your questions but make you feel lite hearted .

I'll be sure to visit the link and leave a comment or two. Thanks bro.

[wilsonx]

My ex is still attracted to me physically and has gigs... can i ask her to hook up... i dont care anymore

[wilsonx]

Im actually resentful that I got gamed by her, I played this one relationship right and haha in my face. Karma is a bitch. Im just looking for something in the mean time from point A to point B. I hope she gets feelings for me, that way i can leave her and she will chase... Im tempted to have some fun, havent decided yet. I know its not growing and being the better person but I am single and do not care right now

Edited June 15, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

Im not going to actually do it... I wanted to play devil's advocate and see if anyone actually did it

[TheHurtProcess]

Im not going to actually do it... I wanted to play devil's advocate and see if anyone actually did it

 

It actually happened between my ex and I. Shortly after, I realized how big of a mistake I had actually made. The problem is that once they get what they want from you, they tend to go back to the "I don't know what I want" phase. If they don't do that, there's a good chance that one of you two is going to find someone else somewhere down the road and somebody is going to get hurt. There's way too much potential for possible resentment and unnecessary anguish down the road.

 

You said that you resented her anyways. I would think that this resentment is the product of hurt feelings and acts of betrayal. I'm right there with ya bro. Eventually you'll get through this stage of the grieving process and learn to accept the cards you've been dealt. Then you'll have the chance to ante up again and play a new hand.

[yulaw911]

Hey Homebrew, i know you have a lot of people bombarding you with having you look at their threads but id really appreciate it if you could look at mine when you get the chance.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283513/

[brokenfaith]

I’ve read a lot of this thread and found a lot of it to be helpful. I think I am in a similar situation. I think my biggest problem is moving forward with myself, in the event that he doesn’t return. I know I should, and I’m doing what I can to better myself, but I feel like he’s either playing games with me or just super unsure of things on his end. I don’t know what the truth is anymore… it’s just hard! Here’s a quick rundown of my story—I’d appreciate anyone’s input who has been there.

 

Basically, I met B in March 2010 by accident. Wasn’t even looking for someone to date and I had just gotten out of a short relationship in which I wasn’t happy. I met him in a class I was taking and he was persistent on being friends and taking me out for a drink. We immediately hit it off and started dating, and several weeks later we were in a committed relationship. He had been married before, but his ex wife cheated on him and left him for another guy. He was totally over her, but always mentioned it bothered him that he was divorced because he believed in marriage so much. The divorce was legal after we were together 3-4 months, but his ex wife and him had been separated for an entire year at the point I met him. There were no feelings and they never kept in contact.

 

Our relationship was flawless. My friends loved him. His 2 best friends gave me a thumbs up (which he said had never happened before… esp. with the ex wife). We were in love and spent 4-5 days a week together over the summer and through the fall. When my lease was coming this spring to an end we decided to wait on moving in because we wanted to wait a little longer. I was totally ready and wanting to, but I could tell he wasn’t ready… so I let it go.

 

In Feb 2011 he started substitute teaching at a local HS. He started doing this because he hated his corporate job and always had an interest in teaching. He met a girl there who I always thought was a little sketchy. She’s married, very religious, but she facebooked him ALL the time and was very friendly. I felt uncomfortable about it, and was upfront about it with him. He said she was just that way and was always upfront about the things she posted, etc. I trusted he wasn’t interested because she isn’t his type. In April 2011, right at our 1 year mark, he came back from an out of town family funeral and suddenly was unsure if he ever wanted to settle down again. He said he knew I wanted marriage and didn’t wanna hold me back, but he wasn’t convinced he wanted to break up. Over the next month and a half, he was up and down—spouted off about being depressed and unhappy with a lot of things in his life, especially the corporate job he still works at. He was very unpredictable… spending large amounts of money on cars and material things to make him feel better. I stood by his side because I thought we could get through the rough time together. In the meantime, this coworker was calling a lot and even as late as 1am for no reason.

 

Fast fwd to the end of May when he dumped me, citing the same reasons as April. He said he thought if he took 2 steps back and gave things some thought, he could move one step ahead. Still isn’t ready for long term and said I shouldn’t wait for him. When I asked if there was any chance he'd change his mind, he said he didn't wanna say yes and give me false hope. He said i'm everything he could ever want and he even once saw me as his future wife. The sex was the best he ever had,he says, and that he wouldn't rule out a second chance because it's not like we're not compatible. He says he’s still scared and he has a negative view of marriage because of people he knows around him that are divorcing too. He said he wasn’t sure ANY woman would make him want to settle down again or if he’d ever wanna live with another woman again. Come to find out, this coworker is leaving her husband as well, and they’ve been spending a LOT of time together. I went to his house after finding some posts online about him calling her “the other half” and decided to get the rest of my things. After telling him I knew what was going on, he told me I was just reading into things and she wasn’t his type (which I already knew.) He said he wouldn’t get involved with a woman like his ex. I left there not really sure if I believed him or not. Also should add, she was there when I came over unannounced.

 

Last week, two days after I told him to just come clean (and he denied, of course) he emails me to tell me she is moving in temporarily because she has nowhere else to go while she sorts things out. She is supposedly staying in a guest room and paying rent. I don’t know if I believe him or not. He tells me “I wouldn’t move in a girl right away that I was dating, and you know this because even after a year I didn’t ask you to move in.” In a sense, I believe him… because I know this isn’t at all who he is. He’s always too nice and he can’t say no to people… especially friends. However, it seems oddly coincidental that this all happened this way, and she has nowhere to go.

 

In the same email he told me he was getting kind of horny and taking care of himself wasn’t the most sufficient thing. He said he’s doing his best not to text me inappropriate things because he doesn’t want to cause me pain. He also said he might come to my friend’s band’s show next month if it was OK with me.

 

I don’t know if he’s stringing me along… If this is GIGS or what. It seems a lot like GIGS for both him and this girl he’s seeing. I am moving on with my life, but don’t know what to do if he comes back around… I don’t even know the total truth right now—just what I have gathered here and there.

 

Anyone have thoughts? Is giving someone who left for GIGS reasons even worth taking back, even if the relationship was flawless?

[Mr. Savage]

Homebrew you are a legend! I just read your original G.I.G.S. posts and I think my life has just changed. Thanks man!

[TheHurtProcess]

Homebrew you are a legend! I just read your original G.I.G.S. posts and I think my life has just changed. Thanks man!

 

I definitely agree. It's as if I can look at life and relationships from a whole different and new perspective.

 

His explanation of G.I.G.S. brought absolute insight and answered a lot of questions that were previously left unanswered. As a result, I feel as though his words have helped me to accept my relationship for what it was and my ex for who she was, which in turn, allowed me to move on with my life.