"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[dreamscape123]

this has to be the best post / thread on LS , and one everyone should take the time to read....

[londonbloke]

Hey Homebrew,

 

I'm new here and just wanted to say a huge thanks for this post. I've recently been the dumpee from a GIGS girl and your post has shed a little light on my experience. It's all a little raw to share my situation just yet but I'll no doubt come back soon and try to open up

[Ginger Beer]

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

(AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)

 

I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.

 

In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.

 

This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

 

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.

 

So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.

 

If anyone has any questions, I'll be happy to give you my opinion on the matter.

 

Good luck, everyone.

 

This sounds exactly like me. Does GIGS happen if they treated you badly? And also is 18 too young to have GIGS?

[londonbloke]

Would you recommend forwarding this thread to my ex who I have felt has been experiencing GIGS for a while or is it healthier to just let nature run it's course? It's hard to know if it'd help her or hinder her really

[FinOuch]

This is probably the best post I have ever read. It defines my recent breakup (as the dumpee, bleh) to a tee.

 

Thanks Homebrew.

[mywreckedworld54]

Yep mine is almost exactly what it said here. Except for some reason she was the one trying to go for marriage and I said it will happen when the time is right and I feel like we are BOTH ready for it. She seemed to never accept that.

[poorguy]

Im not too sure about including teenagera in on this theory. Teenagers are children that are still under the direction, hopefully of their parents. Adolecencts is probably a better word for it. They are still going through hormonal changes or what not and truly have no clue...after all their still kids

 

There are a few tests to consider when determining if its gigs or not to be able to define it. The number one test, if you wil is, whether or not they have a new set of friends. That is almost always the begining of it. If they in fact have a new set of friends that they like to party with or what not then that is what typically defines the onset of gigs.

 

When I say test I mean it in a legal speak context. For example to be convicted of armed robbery, in court you need to prove that a weapon of some sort was used to commit the actual robbery...if it doesnt meet that (test) meaning you cant prove a weapon was used, well it wasnt armed robbery

 

Sorry for the explanation I just wanted to be clear lol

[dicky_fish]

This thread was a great revealation when I first found this website and it did give a little comfort, but after a few days of mulling it over I realised that G.I.G.S is totally pathetic! It may be normal to go through for people, hell I'll freely admit I had it during my last relationship (I worked through it), but to break up with someone due to it is just plain weak. It shows a lack of morals and respect that we the dumpees are owed at least that, even if it is the absolute end of the relationship.

[londonbloke]

This thread was a great revealation when I first found this website and it did give a little comfort, but after a few days of mulling it over I realised that G.I.G.S is totally pathetic! It may be normal to go through for people, hell I'll freely admit I had it during my last relationship (I worked through it), but to break up with someone due to it is just plain weak. It shows a lack of morals and respect that we the dumpees are owed at least that, even if it is the absolute end of the relationship.

 

I think that's the point though, breaking up because of GIGS is weak but if the person doesn't know that the syndrome even exists then they don't know what they have to change? I guess it's one of those things that you feel at the time but can't look at objectively until you've made a few mistakes and have learnt from it enough to look back on it with hindsight.....as horrible as it is to type, there is eff all we can do about it!

[DonDraper]

Homebrew, question for you:

 

I'm almost 100% certain my ex has GIGs, however one thing bugs me.

 

She broke up with me and started dating my (ex-)friend right away! I was never threatened by their relationship and I never had any reason to suspect there were feelings between them. As a matter of fact, she one time told me straight-up that she thought he was unattractive (years before any of this went down). The suddenness of these events led me to believe she was just rebounding, but they've been together for a year!

 

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. She isn't a girl with a lot of friends and I feel like she sort of had a connection with him and she is latching onto it in the midst of GIGs. That can be my only explanation.

 

I guess my question is this: Is it possible to be in GIGs mode and date someone for a full year? You've characterized it in previous posts as being more casual dating, one-night stands, that sort of thing. Just wondering what you think...

[sleepykitten]

Sorry to gate crash your thread...just wondered if Homebrew you could read and give your insight into my post..."ex's character??" am in need on some input/advice/anything.

Thanks

[plowguy1]

Homebrew, I just want to tell you this isnt just for 18-25 yr olds. I was married for 17 yrs with 3 kids under 16, and this fits my wife exactly. I think she would even say so. I have been reading this forum, others, and so many books, my kids laugh at me! for almost 2 yrs. And nothing I have come across has resonated with me like this post... Its really helping me let go of the anger and bitterness, and see my motives in all this, and to REALLY work on me. Thank you

[DonDraper]

My ex just got in touch with me again because we were invited to the same wedding and we ended up hashing some stuff out. She said she broke up with me because she felt like I loved her more than she was able to reciprocate.

 

Does this sound like GIGs? Maybe she just didn't love me enough? We were together for four years... I dunno, thoughts?

[CaliBabe]

My ex just got in touch with me again because we were invited to the same wedding and we ended up hashing some stuff out. She said she broke up with me because she felt like I loved her more than she was able to reciprocate.

 

Does this sound like GIGs? Maybe she just didn't love me enough? We were together for four years... I dunno, thoughts?

 

Sounds like GIGS to me, but atleast you were able to talk to her about it. How did it feel? Were you healed and strong emotionally? Did she give you any indication of a reconcilliation?

[DonDraper]

This is what she said:

 

I am going to tell you the truth about our relationship, from my perspective. It had a really exciting beginning. You were older, and that was exciting. You were smart, and funny, and we could talk about things--and isn't that how all relationships start out? You were my first sexual experience. But as all that newness and excitement wore off, as it always does, there were other things. I always felt the age gap between us when we were in mixed company. I never felt comfortable around your friends, or your family, really. They are all nice, don't get me wrong--I just never felt like I fit. And that intensity that was there in the beginning seemed to naturally wear away for me, but not for you. I always felt like you loved me more than I loved you--kind of in the same way I've talked about my grandparents--and first I wrote that off as normal. But then it made me feel guilty. And then it made me ask--well, why is that? You loved me like you should love someone, and I found I just didn't feel that intensity and passion the way you did and therefore couldn't reciprocate it. The fact that we were together for that long was partially my fault, because I was too scared to veer off the path I was on. But we've already gone over all that.

 

I love you as a person. I think you have a great personality, and you are someone I would treasure as a friend. I know that's not possible now, but it's the truth. You're one of the smartest people I know. It sucks not being able to come to you anymore with my stupid political questions. I've wanted to ask you for book recommendations about a thousand times since our breakup. I don't go to the movies nearly as much anymore--that's something I miss doing with you. In the silent past few months since the last email I wrote, I have always thought about you with fondness. I just wish you didn't feel the way you do, because that means that all of these things will go to waste. The potential for any friendship in the future will completely dissolve. I guess that's what happens with most breakups. Just because I didn't want to be with you, doesn't mean that I don't miss you all the time as one of my best friends.

 

No, CaliBabe, she did not indicate reconciliation, but I knew that would be the case. She was basically giving me a coherent reason as to why she felt like she had to leave, maybe for the first time since we broke up a year ago. If she is suffering from GIGs, it would seem to me that she is still in the midst of it.

 

The complication is that she ended up dating one of my friends right after we broke up. I tend to think feelings she developed for him helped to motivate her to break up with me. I don't think he was THE reason, but I think it reassured her that she would land safely if she left. That made things rough this past year because she was with a guy who sort of went behind my back.

 

I explained to her that I wasn't going to the wedding because she was going to be there with her boyfriend (and my former friend). I told her that I wasn't going but I didn't want her to think it was out of pettiness or anger, but because I had still had feelings toward her and I just couldn't handle seeing her with her bf at this point.

 

I was emotionally strong and I was much better than I had been since we last spoke in March. It was productive.

 

I would ultimately like to reconcile with her but I can tell by her exchange that if it happens it won't be anytime soon.

 

Her plea to be friends and how she loves me as a dear friend seems to be a characteristic of GIGs to me. She also seems to be undervalue the love I feel like she really had for me. It seems like there is this weird revisionist history, like what we had wasn't as significant as it really was. I don't know, it's hard to explain...

[TheHurtProcess]

This is what she said:

 

I am going to tell you the truth about our relationship, from my perspective. It had a really exciting beginning. You were older, and that was exciting. You were smart, and funny, and we could talk about things--and isn't that how all relationships start out? You were my first sexual experience. But as all that newness and excitement wore off, as it always does, there were other things. I always felt the age gap between us when we were in mixed company. I never felt comfortable around your friends, or your family, really. They are all nice, don't get me wrong--I just never felt like I fit. And that intensity that was there in the beginning seemed to naturally wear away for me, but not for you. I always felt like you loved me more than I loved you--kind of in the same way I've talked about my grandparents--and first I wrote that off as normal. But then it made me feel guilty. And then it made me ask--well, why is that? You loved me like you should love someone, and I found I just didn't feel that intensity and passion the way you did and therefore couldn't reciprocate it. The fact that we were together for that long was partially my fault, because I was too scared to veer off the path I was on. But we've already gone over all that.

 

I love you as a person. I think you have a great personality, and you are someone I would treasure as a friend. I know that's not possible now, but it's the truth. You're one of the smartest people I know. It sucks not being able to come to you anymore with my stupid political questions. I've wanted to ask you for book recommendations about a thousand times since our breakup. I don't go to the movies nearly as much anymore--that's something I miss doing with you. In the silent past few months since the last email I wrote, I have always thought about you with fondness. I just wish you didn't feel the way you do, because that means that all of these things will go to waste. The potential for any friendship in the future will completely dissolve. I guess that's what happens with most breakups. Just because I didn't want to be with you, doesn't mean that I don't miss you all the time as one of my best friends.

 

No, CaliBabe, she did not indicate reconciliation, but I knew that would be the case. She was basically giving me a coherent reason as to why she felt like she had to leave, maybe for the first time since we broke up a year ago. If she is suffering from GIGs, it would seem to me that she is still in the midst of it.

 

The complication is that she ended up dating one of my friends right after we broke up. I tend to think feelings she developed for him helped to motivate her to break up with me. I don't think he was THE reason, but I think it reassured her that she would land safely if she left. That made things rough this past year because she was with a guy who sort of went behind my back.

 

I explained to her that I wasn't going to the wedding because she was going to be there with her boyfriend (and my former friend). I told her that I wasn't going but I didn't want her to think it was out of pettiness or anger, but because I had still had feelings toward her and I just couldn't handle seeing her with her bf at this point.

 

I was emotionally strong and I was much better than I had been since we last spoke in March. It was productive.

 

I would ultimately like to reconcile with her but I can tell by her exchange that if it happens it won't be anytime soon.

 

Her plea to be friends and how she loves me as a dear friend seems to be a characteristic of GIGs to me. She also seems to be undervalue the love I feel like she really had for me. It seems like there is this weird revisionist history, like what we had wasn't as significant as it really was. I don't know, it's hard to explain...

 

To me, it somewhat appears as if she sort of lost interest over time. It may very well have been GIGS. Only time can really tell for sure.

 

I'm just curious however. Since she mentioned you being older... Is your ex-friend (The guy she is dating now) around her age or is he the same age as you? That part just stuck out. What was the age gap between the two of you?

[DonDraper]

TheHurtProcess-

 

I can totally see where you would say that, but I just don't get the sense that this is true in reality. I get the sense she is creating a narrative where the problems seem more long-standing then they were to make herself believe there was something fundamentally flawed with our relationship and that this wasn't a freak-out situation where she got scared or we hit a rough patch and misconstrued it as something fatally wrong with the relationship. I look back on it and we had a few months at the end that were a little shaky, but I honestly couldn't see any tension or signs of real rot going on prior to that. I'm pretty sensitive to that stuff, too.

 

Of course, this itself could be an elaborate rationalization! :-)

 

Our age difference was about 6.5 years. I started dating her when she was 18 and I was 25. We broke up when she was 22 and I was 29. My friend is only a few years younger than me, maybe three.

[TheHurtProcess]

TheHurtProcess-

 

I can totally see where you would say that, but I just don't get the sense that this is true in reality. I get the sense she is creating a narrative where the problems seem more long-standing then they were to make herself believe there was something fundamentally flawed with our relationship and that this wasn't a freak-out situation where she got scared or we hit a rough patch and misconstrued it as something fatally wrong with the relationship. I look back on it and we had a few months at the end that were a little shaky, but I honestly couldn't see any tension or signs of real rot going on prior to that. I'm pretty sensitive to that stuff, too.

 

Of course, this itself could be an elaborate rationalization! :-)

 

Our age difference was about 6.5 years. I started dating her when she was 18 and I was 25. We broke up when she was 22 and I was 29. My friend is only a few years younger than me, maybe three.

 

I was thinking that you were going to say that you were in your late 30's or 40's and she was in her 20's. I'm 28 (going on 29) and my ex was 21 (going on 22). The age difference between you and your ex isn't all that big of a deal. I think you may just be right and she may just be creating excuses. She probably is going through a GIGS stage. She is in that age bracket. Around 21-22 is where it tends to start (The party/college age, etc) I believe.

[DonDraper]

I was thinking that you were going to say that you were in your late 30's or 40's and she was in her 20's. I'm 28 (going on 29) and my ex was 21 (going on 22). The age difference between you and your ex isn't all that big of a deal. I think you may just be right and she may just be creating excuses. She probably is going through a GIGS stage. She is in that age bracket. Around 21-22 is where it tends to start (The party/college age, etc) I believe.

 

Yeah, she cites this big age gap, and my response to her was that the age gap wasn't the problem, your insecurity about the age gap was the problem. I think she thought about it more than anyone else did. No one cared she was younger, but she always felt so self-conscious.

 

I do think she felt her feelings sort of falter a little bit do to us getting into a rut, but I think it was a situation where a person not susceptible to GIGS (i.e., me, who also felt like we got into a bit of a rut) would kind of work through it and understand from past experience that all relationships have their ebbs and flows; but because she is young, just graduated college, and is afraid of going down the wrong path, she took it as a sign that there was something wrong.

 

I mean, in regards to the disparity of feelings, I would just say that I am demonstrative than she was. I didn't ever think of her as being less loving, she just expressed it differently. It was more understated.

 

I don't know, she's young. I would like to think this is all just a weird phase, but you never know. And just because it is a phase doesn't mean she will be coming back around again.

 

We're going to meet up on Friday. It's been a year since we've seen each other and we've both decided enough time has passed to meet for coffee and just talk. I have no designs to make a play or anything, I just want to sort of press the reset button on a lot of the drama over the past year and just sort of talk about nothing and everything, as a kind of palette cleanser. I don't want the last words we say to each to be the dissections of our relationship via email. I know closure isn't really possible, but maybe ending the nonsense on a positive note will be nice.

 

And if that creates an environment where she would feel comfortable approaching me down the road if she changed her mind, then that's good to. But that has to be secondary to just burying the hatchet.

 

By the way, I also don't think her love for me faded over time because I think to some extent that love would be dead enough that being on good terms wouldn't be such a big deal. I sense she honestly misses me in her life and honestly wants me to have "best friend" status while she works out her feelings about life in general. I think if her feelings faded away, we wouldn't be having this conversation a year later and she certainly wouldn't be saying these things to me. I think she would be more curt and less willing to give such lip service to how much she still cares about me. At least, that's how I would be. If my feelings slowly faded over time, I would just be like, I don't care, enough. That's not what she's doing, and I can't help its because her feelings aren't as faded and gone as she thinks; they are just entangled in this GIGs mindset.

Edited July 13, 2011 by DonDraper
added some stuff

[TheHurtProcess]

Yeah, she cites this big age gap, and my response to her was that the age gap wasn't the problem, your insecurity about the age gap was the problem. I think she thought about it more than anyone else did. No one cared she was younger, but she always felt so self-conscious.

 

I do think she felt her feelings sort of falter a little bit do to us getting into a rut, but I think it was a situation where a person not susceptible to GIGS (i.e., me, who also felt like we got into a bit of a rut) would kind of work through it and understand from past experience that all relationships have their ebbs and flows; but because she is young, just graduated college, and is afraid of going down the wrong path, she took it as a sign that there was something wrong.

 

I mean, in regards to the disparity of feelings, I would just say that I am demonstrative than she was. I didn't ever think of her as being less loving, she just expressed it differently. It was more understated.

 

I don't know, she's young. I would like to think this is all just a weird phase, but you never know. And just because it is a phase doesn't mean she will be coming back around again.

 

We're going to meet up on Friday. It's been a year since we've seen each other and we've both decided enough time has passed to meet for coffee and just talk. I have no designs to make a play or anything, I just want to sort of press the reset button on a lot of the drama over the past year and just sort of talk about nothing and everything, as a kind of palette cleanser. I don't want the last words we say to each to be the dissections of our relationship via email. I know closure isn't really possible, but maybe ending the nonsense on a positive note will be nice.

 

And if that creates an environment where she would feel comfortable approaching me down the road if she changed her mind, then that's good to. But that has to be secondary to just burying the hatchet.

 

By the way, I also don't think her love for me faded over time because I think to some extent that love would be dead enough that being on good terms wouldn't be such a big deal. I sense she honestly misses me in her life and honestly wants me to have "best friend" status while she works out her feelings about life in general. I think if her feelings faded away, we wouldn't be having this conversation a year later and she certainly wouldn't be saying these things to me. I think she would be more curt and less willing to give such lip service to how much she still cares about me. At least, that's how I would be. If my feelings slowly faded over time, I would just be like, I don't care, enough. That's not what she's doing, and I can't help its because her feelings aren't as faded and gone as she thinks; they are just entangled in this GIGs mindset.

 

Good luck bud. I know it has to be hard. It would definitely be hard for me at this point. I don't think I could do it, nor would I want to right now.

 

I'm hoping that in a years time, I won't have any feelings for my ex whatsoever. Well, we've been NC for a month now and I don't vision her getting in contact any time soon. Therefore I'm hoping that I'm in the clear within the next month or so. I've had enough of the pain. I just want out and to move on with my life.

[DonDraper]

Good luck bud. I know it has to be hard. It would definitely be hard for me at this point. I don't think I could do it, nor would I want to right now.

 

I'm hoping that in a years time, I won't have any feelings for my ex whatsoever. Well, we've been NC for a month now and I don't vision her getting in contact any time soon. Therefore I'm hoping that I'm in the clear within the next month or so. I've had enough of the pain. I just want out and to move on with my life.

 

What's your story? You got a GIGs case on your hands? How long have you two been broken up?

[TheHurtProcess]

What's your story? You got a GIGs case on your hands? How long have you two been broken up?

 

I have yet to post my entire story. But I have been getting a lot of requests lately and I plan on fulfilling those requests soon. Instead of typing it out here or several times elsewhere, I think I'm actually going to make a new thread entirely. I'm hoping to get a moment to sit down and type out the entire story this week sometime.

 

I believe I have a GIGS case on my hands, as the majority of us here seem to have. We've been broken up for about 2 months now and we've been NC for about 6 weeks of that time. First, we talked for about a week, then 2 weeks NC, then she broke NC and we sort of dabbled around with getting back together and ended up getting intimate for about a week and then she pulled the old "I don't know what I want anymore" card out again and I've been NC for the past month now. I haven't tried contacting her nor has she tried contacting me this time. I'm healing.

[DonDraper]

I met with my ex tonight. It went really well. I went in with no expectations and just wanted the night to stay positive. She's with someone and has been for a year so I don't want to get my hopes up. We caught up, discussed things, and whatever.

 

However, she told me she felt our love faded for a whole year before we broke up. We dated for four years, so that really kinda hit me hard. She said we were good on paper but the love just faded, saying that it just happened sometimes. She really didn't have a good reason, she just shrugged and said, "Why does anyone break up after awhile?" She said it wasn't anything I did or my fault. This vexes me. Can that be true? I feel like there HAS to be a reason...

 

Anyway, she seems in love with her bf, but they only started dating weeks after we broke up.

 

I used to think my situation was GIGs but maybe not... I wrote about my situation earlier in this thread. Anyone wanna give an opinion?

[DonDraper]

Follow-up question... in GIGs can a girl who left you have a long-term relationship as they go through the phase or do they ALWAYS have to party and hook up with random people? My ex has been with the same guy for a year, but exhibits a lot of the same signs of suffering from GIGS. Thanks!

[DonDraper]

Thanks, homebrew. That's disappointing to hear, but I'm glad to come to that realization...